I figure there are two types of women in this world. Those who carry a purse and those who don’t.
I’m not a purse type of gal. I think I was scarred at a young age by the sheer weight of my grandmother’s enormous purse. She always had enough loose change at the bottom of her purse to feed a third world country and a wallet that literally would bust at the seams with cards, receipts and Canadian Tire money.
It was like lugging around a sac of potatoes or a small child. I never understood it. That damn purse was so heavy that one of her shoulders was three inches lower than the other and she reminded me of a granny version of the hump back of Notre Dame. Minus the whole living in a church steeple, of course.
As a young woman, I vowed never to carry a purse. It was too girly and far too much work to find a purse that matched your outfit, your shoes and the colour of your car.
I figured God invented pockets for a reason. So what if it looks like I’m carrying a block of butter stuffed in my front pocket? I never had to worry about losing my purse. Or worse yet, suddenly dropping the damn thing at the foot of a hot dude only to have my tampons and nasal spray roll out while I try desperately to distract him from finding out I suffer from the curse of womanhood and congested sinuses.
How embarrassing would that be?
Yet my husband likes to point out the flaws in my thinking. I never have a kleenex on hand for emergency snot escapees. And as a parent to small children there has been many a time when a booger made a dash for the border only to be wiped on a sleeve because that was the only thing handy to contain it.
I have a lovely tendency to put cell phones on my lap while driving and then get out of the car and forgetting about it, only to have it drop on to the pavement for someone else to find or to smash it while I drive over it when leaving the parking lot.
(It has only happened three times. He won’t let it go. It’s not like I accidentally threw his brand new shiny phone into the fire with some trash. Oh wait. Maybe I did.)
I may have lost countless lipsticks and house keys as they wiggled loose out of my pocket and fell to the floor forgotten.
But in my defense, I have never lost my purse. That has to count for something, right?
So I stuff my bank card and my keys where ever I can fit them. Even if the only place is in my bra. (In my defense, I do try to avoid this scenario as I don’t really like looking like a pervert who likes to cop a feel as I’m digging for my debit card down my shirt while a line up of annoyed and possibly aroused customers wait behind me.)
Nothing I have lost could never be replaced.
Other than my dignity, my husband likes to remind me.
I ignore him as I don’t see him offering to carry a man bag around to tot tampons and kleenex.
I refuse to fall prey to the stereotypical woman trap of purse toting. I don’t believe bags are beautiful and I just shake my head when my lady friends coo over the cutest new purse they just purchased after having sold their newborn child to pay for it.
Yet sometime last week when I went shopping, I lost my bank card. Annoying yes, but problematic? Not so much. It just meant a trip to the bank to get a replacement card.
Again.
After standing in line for what seemed like an eternity, I finally made my way to the teller at my local branch.
“Hi, I seemed to have misplaced my bank card and I need a new one.”
“Do you know your account number and do you have any identification?”
“Yep.” I’ve been through this drill many times.
“Hmmm. It would seem you have lost a few cards before,” the ditzy teller announced. Loudly.
“A few. I may have melted a card in the dryer once before, broke another in half while trying to pick a lock. You know, the usual.”
“Our records indicate this is the 24th card you have lost since you began banking with us.” The teller is now glaring at me like I’m the sole reason she didn’t get a wage increase at her last annual review. Like replacing a few bank cards is going to come directly out of her pocket.
“That’s all?” I joked. “I was aiming for at least thirty.” Heh, heh. Aren’t I witty?
“This is your fifth card in a year.” Again with the disdain. You’d have thought I was speaking to my husband or my mother.
“Seems so,” I chirped back. By now there was a growing line of waiting customers who were starting to give me the evil eye. I could feel all the annoyed looks burrow into the back of my skull like laser beams.
I noticed then that my teller was the only teller on duty at the moment and she seemed to take more interest in hassling me than moving the line along.
“I promise, this will be the last card I will ever need. I’m planning on having it surgically attached to my left hand,” I joked as I raised my hand to show her. Come on lady. If you don’t hurry up I’m going to get whacked by all the elderly people’s canes who are waiting to pay their bills. It’s not like these people have all the time in the world. They don’t like to have it wasted by an irresponsible young person hogging the only bank teller available.
“I’m going to have to get my supervisor to approve this. I’m new on the job,” she sniffed. The patrons behind me were growing more restless. I was starting to sweat.
At this rate, it would have been easier to just bend me over and beat my arse with a rubber paddle.
An eternity later, she returned with a new bank card and a grim look. Thank heavens for small mercies I thought as I snatched the card from her claws.
“You really should be more careful with your bank cards,” she tutted loudly as I signed my life away for the 24th time and shoved the card into my pocket.
“Thanks Mom, I’ll try to remember that,” I politely replied as I turned to make my escape before the hordes of annoyed geriatrics ate me alive.
Walking past that line of elderly customers was like doing the walk of shame. They all eyed me like I was some irresponsible hoodlum who just wasted fifteen minutes of their precious life diseased.
Shame is a powerful tool. I went and bought a purse bag.
I reckon I’ll need it when I bring home a new kid. It can be a pseudo diaper bag-slash-purse. Really. I was thinking of my new duties as a new mom when I chose it. I swear I wasn’t remembering an old lady shaking her cane at me and my irresponsible ways when I selected it.
I have now just crossed over to the dark side. Thanks to my walk of shame, a bitchy bank teller and my husband’s years of pestering.
I feel so dirty.
I guess this means I’m a real woman now.
It sucks growing up.
54 Comments
LOL!
I’m the anti-you. I have bags. Lots and lots of BIG bags.
Everyone makes fun of me until they need a bandaid, some dental floss, or button sewed back on.
That was hysterical!
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I’m the same way. I have a purse because I *loathe* situations like what you described - and for no other reason. I see no sense in switching new purses every day…in fact, I’ve had the same one for three years.
I was invited to a faux purse party once - to think some sucker thought *I* would shell out $150 for a knock-off designer purse - HA! I could buy like 50 fancy coffees for that price…
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Welcome to the dark side…on a happier note, my bank charges me everytime I need a new card. Even if its their stupid cards fault for being demagnitized or bent or scratched!
oh and I think our grandmothers might have been sisters…at the very least cousins because they have the EXACT SAME purse habits.
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Yeah, but if this is the bag I think it is, purchased at Roots on Yonge, then it’s a kickass bag. I think I drooled a little while you were paying for it.
I love me a good bag. I think I called myself a bag whore on someone else’s blog just this morning, in fact…
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I hate carrying a purse. My ATM card and driver’s license are in my right back jeans pocket, if you’re pick-pocketing anytime soon.
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I love bags!! Have lots and lots. Big, small, dark, light, leather, winter summer. The more the better, I say.
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Wow, what kind of bank do you go to that magically manufactures new bank cards while you wait? I have to get mine in the mail and it takes at least a week.
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Never been a purse girl. It’s the damned kids, I tell you!
With the first kid I carried a diaper bag. Then the second kid I couldn’t be bothered- I just bought a succession of bigger and bigger tote bags, until one day I realized the bag was BIGGER THAN THE BABY (and possibly bigger than the toddler, too)
But the big bag held everything - and now everyone was USED to me having everything. So now that I’ve connected my mysterious back pain with the fact that I’m dragging around everything AND the kitchen sink, I’ve been weaning myself off carrying the giganticus bagus.
So far, this means I have a smaller purse on my arm and a tote bag full o’crap in the backseat of the car.
You know, just in case I need it.
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Did you forget about ye olde biker wallet on silver chain??? I’m pretty sure you could pull it off. I have something similar on a clip that hooks conveniently to my beltloop.
You’ve entered the slipper slope. Purses are like potato chips, no one can ever have just one!
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I’m so glad guys don’t carry bags.
We just have THICK wallets that stick out of our butts like some freaky-looking tumor.
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I gave into the purse thing when I had B - not enough pockets for the shit that little diva needs. Anyhow, be warned - it kinda becomes addictive finding just the right one - not too girly, not too mommish. It becomes one of those searches for the holy grail. You’ve been warned.
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Tumor-wallet? Check.
But for the dad-who-can’t-get-away-with-a-purse, there’s the Backpack. It even holds babies.
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C’mon Tanis - show us the bag! Photo. Stat.
Surely it occurred to you that we’d want to see it.
Welcome to the dark side:D.
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I think I might have just had a heart attack. The teller gave you a GUILT TRIP?
Wild. Just wild.
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I don’t want to sound presumptuous … ya know, myself having resolved to be a non-purse carrying member of the fairer sex and all … but my guess is like me … after the newbie’s out of dipes you’ll be back to wondering where your cards are.
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purses? ugh.
i’m a stick-it-in-my-pocket girl. (and i only washed my ipod headphones ONCE, i swear!!)
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24???
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just make sure you leave the purse at home when you go out partying, those new cards will be left sitting on some chair at the pub before you can blink an eye but at least there won’t be anymore bulgy pants or snot on the dashboard
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If it is any consolation, I carry a purse and still never have a kleenex, lose my lipstick, misplace my credit card and drop my cell phone…
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I really wish my son’s mom was like you I don’t think I can count how many purses she has had or has. Last week she was the maid of honor at a wedding she really didn’t want to go to bought 4 different dresses and purses to match . This makes sense to a man NOT. anyway she decides on the dress can’t on the purse . Weeks before the wedding soon become days no purse still . Then all heavens open up 1 day before great day a purse is found . She buys it and I watch for about 2hrs no kidding her try to shove all this crap in it OOPS to small. And don’t get me started on about her shoes. I love being a guy
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It’s not so bad…really, T. I bought a bright green one. I use it for all outfits, all colors. It’s a utilitarian thing, not a fashion statement, yet I get tons of compliments on it. You’ll adapt. I swear you will.
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I never toted the diaper bag around as much as I have lately so I kinda see where you are coming from. Lucky for me, its a Eddie Bauer backpack style bag so it isnt that girly.
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Hey, five years ago I’d have been right there with ya. It was a gang of highschool bully ‘banger betches and their requisite black leather, two pouch, pleated ‘ho handbags that totally put me off- for years! Passing them at the metal shop entrance, all carbon copies, cigs hanging from droopy, scowling lips and nasty smokes filled purses slung from boney, hard knocks life, shoulders….
I echo comment above: ’tis a slippery slope. I now have tens of them. Though, due to my longstanding former trauma, not one of them is considered a purse… they are bags, all, and tend to be more of the satchel, or army surplus variety.
Enjoy… it’s a bright, bold, new world out there! The choices are truly endless…
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Um…you sorta forgot the most important part. What does the bag LOOK like? Photographic evidence would be nice.
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*swoon* bags *swoon* so where is the photo for the bag whores woman!?
I used a gorgeous big bag for a diaper bag. Considering the kid was 5, a funky big bag was much nicer to tote around diapers and all that crap than something with fluffy bunnies!
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I tend to use bags by the season, primarily to collect gum wrappers, receipts, and assorted trash.
Yes - bags are made for trash collection. And you can always wipe a nose with a gum wrapper if need be.
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cue Darth Vader breathing saying come to the dark side Luke.
Much of the time I wear a hip sack. you know one of those belt things with a bag on it. Eliminates many problems for me.
Maybe the teller is a cousin of THAT woman from the school.
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Okay, I started carrying a purse after my 3rd card replacement. Evidently you are MUCH more committed than I am.
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I have a daughter that’s just like you. I converted here with a small, cute backpack. I’m not sure she actually IS my daughter. My younger daughter and I dream in Coach and Dooney!
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hehe…I’m not much of a purse girl either, pockets work well for my cr.card, debit crd and lipstick….but like MB said once you start using one the search for that perfect one becomes all consuming; one is too big one is too small…it goes on and on
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I’m a purse girl for sure - there aren’t enough pockets in the world for keys, tokens, money, cards, and kleenex (because I ALWAYS need Kleenex). Heck, sometimes there isn’t any pockets at all! Not to mention I don’t need the extra bulk on my hips…
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I don’t know when I finally decided to start carrying a purse. When I started wanting to carry too much crap with me probably. I like to be prepared for things. Like everything, apparently. Because you never know when you might want _____.
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Let’s see that thing! Here’s a list of what you should put in it:
1) A few used, dried up tissues.
a little ziploc baggie full of fish crackers
2) 1/2 a roll of rolaids.
3) a fingernail clipper
4) an old lipstick from 1983
5) a full-size photo album with pictures of your kids
6) a tube of neosporin
7) One of those Tide pens to remove stains
9) The prescription bottle of whatever drug you are taking or have taken in the past 5 years.
10) a few odd buttons
11) a coin from some foreign country you’ll never visit in your life
12) at least five pens that don’t work when you need it.
13) a few loose tic tacs
14) a small tape measure
15) the bus schedule for the nearest town
16) a little magnifying glass to read ingredients at the store
17) sunglasses with a long, dangly chain to put around your neck
18) a tiny note pad with a tiny pencil
19) small tube of blistex
20) at least 10 bobby pins
21) a harlequin romance novel
22) some knitting needles
23) a tube of rancid moisturizer
24) a tiny flashlight
25) a small calculator
26) a little coin purse shaped like a boot
Now get crackin’, Grandma!
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I feel your pain. I am not one to see the pleasure in a fancy $100 or more purse. I am actually a wallet person.
I often carry a purse/diaper bag and little wallet. I take out the bank card and driver lic when I go into the store and that is it. Then when I return to the car I put it all back.
So, you can still be nonpurse person in essence.
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You are so lucky! Around here when you lose a bank card you have to wait two weeks for the mothership to send you a new one. That alone is enough to make me be careful.
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Um, didn’t you buy a purse when we were shopping a few weekends ago?
LOL.
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OH! You should have called me. I have purse that goes with every outfit, every car and every pair of shoes anyone (man, woman, transvestite) has ever owned. Not only did my 80 year old grandma try to take it, a pert little 15 year old tried to take it too. My mom likes it, my MIL likes it, I get a disgusting amount of compliments on it AND! it carries more stuff than that Mary Poppins lady ever did. We could be purse sisters! HAH! Doesn’t that sound fun! *twitch*
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But you are missing the best thing about loving handbags: you get to see the expression on your hubby’s face when you tell him how much you just spent on a purse. I think I have caused mine to have small hemorrhages since I have discovered the expensive handbag.
Are you cleverly trying to tell us you made a decision regarding a child in this post? I mean you have to have a bag now that you are a new mother? Hmmmmm..
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I have too much stuff to keep in pockets (and don’t have pockets in all my pants). I have downsized my purses, however. I used to carry heavy ones, but I try not to anymore.
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I never carried a purse, then I had kids and the diaper bag became my purse. Once the last was out of diapers, I went back to carrying everything in my back pocket. The my girly-girl daughter bought me a purse for Christmas, naturally I now carry a purse. A cute little Tinkerbell one, nah, i ain’t too old for it! heh! Welcome to the dark side.
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Cargo pants, sweetie.
You can fit anything in them. Cell phone will never be lost.
http://www.dragginjeans.net/products/cargoPants/index.htm
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I have to chime in on the ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ brigade. Let’s have a looksee.
Also re: “It becomes one of those searches for the holy grail.”
I have to agree. I want a ‘purse’ that will hold my wallet, camera, extra lens and a bottle of water…..and not look like a purse. If I could raid the set of the Indiana Jones movies and steal the original shoulder bag that Indy used, I’d be in my fekking glory. It would likely hold my laptop as well.
=]
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Welcome to the world of “bag toters”. At first it’s a very foreign experience and you feel as if you are dragging around an anvil but before you know it you will be hooked on the convenience. It sucks to grow up.
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when i got old enough my mom just made me carry a purse with all her stuff, then if anything got lost it was MY fault and not HER fault, and she had the benefit of not carrying anything
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I share your pursephobia and have also spent my adult life losing crap. SO recently I gave in and bought a very, very cute purse.
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As a banker, I must say… screw that teller that gave you a hard time. It’s none of her friggin business. Her job is not to question you, it’s to either give you a card or not.
My bank will only issue 3 replacement cards, then you can’t have anymore and we charge you $5 for each replacement. So I suppose, you’ve got an okay bank, despite the bitchy teller.
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ah, you did your good deed for the day. Gave everybody a chance to be righteously, rip-roaringly RIGHT. They probably felt good the rest of the day.
I lost two wallets in close succession a number of years ago. One of the cards I was getting replaced was a card-key for gasoline (I live in a state where there is no self-serve allowed). Some time had passed and the new card hadn’t arrived. I called to check on its progress and found a similar admonishing voice on the other end: “well, my records here show that you lost your card, and then a few weeks later you went and lost it again.”
By the way, I think the bank teller has earned herself a phone call or a letter. With businesses a dime-a-dozen they try to distinguish themselves by their service and her business was not to pass judgment on you. You wanted a replacement card. Her job was to get it for you. End of story.
I’m sorry to break the news, but purses get lost too!
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So funny. I used to be the same way until I borrowed my husband’s coat and left tampons and lipstick in his pocket which he found when they fell out at work the next day. Ya. He was super happy about that. Oops.
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Your story is the perfect example of why I use my husband’s pockets, rather than my own.
Of course, he is prone to losing my lipstick…
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I do carry a purse, but I hate a diaper bag. I always just stuff a few dipes in my purse. But I definitely do not get into the whole name-brand bag thing. Mine are covered in spilled milkshakes, spit up breastmilk and snot far too quickly!
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I hate purses. They don’t help either but if your going to carry one get a wallet, otherwise you’ll flip your card out when pull something else out or worse yet when your Hubby goes to change a diaper somehow the free floating bank card will end up where the sun dosen’t shine. Not a comfortable kiddo was she….
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I don’t carry a purse. I use my children’s and my husband’s pockets instead. It works for me.
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You are the best….I hate purses. I have small ones and cram as much as I can into them. I even gave up my larger wallet and purchased a smaller one. So I could reduce my purse even more.
I thought about a purse belt around my stomach, under my blouse then I realized you’d have to lift your top every time. I wish they’d design clothes that had pockets for our essentials. A few pockets so I could in fact give up my purse..
Sorry you had to give in…good luck and don’t leave your purse anywhere soon..
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://www.grammology.com
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I have carried a purse since high school. And usually buy a new one every year or so. But the most expensive one I have purchased was $88 but that was because my brother gave me a gift certificate for $100 to a place I never shop and i’m not a size 8 and never will be and that’s about all they had for clothes so I purchased a purse and wallet and for the price I should hope it should last a life time but it’s been four months and it’s not all that great so really what I will probably do is go back to the one I had before…I usually spend about $15-20 bucks on one.. I’m not very femenine I guess. But I always have tissues, tylenol, pens, and end up carrying my husband crap too!
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