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The Word of the Day is FORGIVENESS
In ten days I will have been married for eleven years. I have been looking at the same dirty socks strewn about for over a decade. I have been nagging at the same man to pick his wet towel off the bathroom floor for 4015 days.
Not that I’ve been counting or anything. I’m just really good at arithmetic at the top of my head.
Heh.
During these eleven years of wedded bliss *twitch* I have learned a thing or two.
Thing one: Boo has vile gas when he eats cheese. He loves cheese. He eats a lot of cheese. Consequently, I have no nasal hairs left as they have been singed off by the wickedly foul odors he likes to emanate in my direction.
Thing two: If you don’t keep score, no one can lose at the game of marriage.
I’ve learned a few other things along the way, like how a grown man needs constant nagging reminding to cut his facking toenails yet will always remember to when he runs out of beer. I’ve learned how nothing will deter a man from constantly grabbing at your funbags of love, not even having to roll up the ole beavertails to stuff them into your bra after your wondertitties have been sucked dry by the vampires you call children.
But no marital lesson has been as important as learning how to forgive and move on.
Which isn’t always easy. Especially when you are nine months pregnant, having gained over a 100 pounds, can barely fit behind the wheel of your van to drive to buy milk for your toddler demon spawn and all you can dream about is that last bit of mint chocolate chip ice cream waiting for you to lovingly devour when you finally arrive back home, only to find an empty container and a spoon sitting inside of it while your husband is burping up minty fresh breath.
It took a while, but I finally forgave and moved on.
It’s not always been easy but I have learned the fine art of forgiveness. Let’s face it, eleven years of marriage has given me many an opportunity to practice this art.
Like the time Boo gave me a can of tuna and a chocolate bar for my 26th birthday.
Or the time he gave me a shop vac for our anniversary. I wasn’t bitter. Not at all. Not even after having scrimped and saved to buy him the set of golf clubs he had coveted only to receive a vacuum for HIM to use in HIS shop.
Forgiveness allowed me to move on and not wrap said golf clubs around his neck.
I forgave you, Boo, for the time you laughingly told everyone that I was caught picking my underwear out of my arse by your boss. I forgave you for the time you announced to your family that I had to go shopping for new jeans because “the ole girl is finally filling out and putting on some weight.”
It wasn’t easy, but I forgave you.
I learned how to forgive him for making us chronically late for every family function we’ve attended in the last eleven years because of his incessant and annoying need to ‘finish the next level’ of what ever video game he was playing while I run around like a mad woman trying to get myself and the kids ready to leave.
I even forgave him for running out of gas when I was in labour with our son Bug. Sure my contractions were less than a minute apart. I understood how he may have simply forgot to fill up the family vehicle the night before I went into labour after I politely nagged reminded him we needed gas. He was dealing with a hormonal, bitchy cow and was distracted by my girth.
I even forgave him while he chatted up a storm with the gas station attendant while I had to squeeze my legs shut in order to prevent giving birth in the front seat of our van while he laughed about outrageous gas prices and how ridiculous it was to run out of gas while your wife was eight centimeters dilated and her contractions were coming every twenty seconds.
We made it to the hospital. Barely. So what if Bug just about fell on his head onto the floor. I forgave you, Boo.
I have grown to be a better person than I would have been if I hadn’t got knocked up married him. He taught me how to laugh it off and move on.
Even when he forgets to put down the toilet seat thereby ensuring my ass will take a dip in the icy waters of the porcelain throne as I fumble in the darkness to relieve my now stretched and damaged bladder in the middle of the night.
It’s not always been easy. I still don’t understand how I can send him to the grocery store with a list and he still manages to forget items that are clearly marked and underlined on the list clutched in his hands. Items necessary to the happiness and survival of his self family members. Items like toilet paper.
I forgive you, Boo, even though I know you will do it again. And again. And again. Because clearly, this is NOT your fault.
I love him. And I know he loves me. Even when he brings home monstrosities like my darling Bertha and then runs away with his tail tucked between his legs leaving me to look at the piece of shat rust bucket sitting in our yard, advertising to the world that we are the neighbourhood’s token rednecks, I forgive him.
I know you meant well. You did your best. Even if you and I have a different definition of what your best really means.
I forgive you, Boo.
Eleven years have brought about a lot of forgiveness. Not that I’m tracking it or keeping score. That would be wrong. I just want to let him know that I will always forgive him. Even when he accidentally flips over our brand new lawn tractor because he was drag racing it with his buddy.
I love you and I forgive you Boo.
Remember this when I tell you about a little accident I may have had the other day involving our atv and my car. Try and remember how much I love you and all the times I have forgiven you for misdeeds, no matter the cost to our bank book, my pride or my abused uterus.
Keep in mind that while I was cleaning our yard up and doing chores that should, by nature, fall under your pervue, I may have had a little more fun than I intended with our quad. I may have gotten carried away and in so, accidentally bumped into my car with our quad while driving in reverse.
It wasn’t my fault. Accidents happen. I wasn’t showing off for our kids and my friend fooling around. I was working. It had nothing to do with the fact I was laughing my arse off and not paying attention to what was around me.
It was an accident. Expensive, perhaps but an accident nonetheless.
The important thing for you to remember is no one was hurt and cars can be fixed. It’s just money after all. Isn’t that why you work out of town?
Don’t worry Boo. No matter what I will always forgive you.
Even if you flip out when you read this and see what I did.
I forgive you.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:42 am
your just making the car fit in with Bertha, you are such a caring soul, you dont want the redneck truck to feel left out.
Your sweet like that!
LOL
April 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Oh dear! Trying to stifle a laugh here. I was the first to chip the paint on our one-month-old new car last week when I was moving rocks over to the community garden. I felt AWFUL. I’m sure Boo will forgive you! How could he not, when you have such a magnificent rack?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Eh, it’s not so bad. Maybe they can pull the dent out…
Happy early anniversary!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Not that youi’re keeping score, but I think you have only withdrawn a fraction of what Boo has from the forgiveness bank account.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but I don’t think I’ve posted a comment (I’m lazy that way). A friend sent me your link with a comment along the lines of … “HOLY CRAP you HAVE to read this blog! But put your drink down first …” — she was right. I always remember to put my drink down before I open the page. Some lessons stick with you, including the memory of Diet Dr. Pepper sprayed on a monitor …
I just wanted to say … I wish you were my neighbour! That’s all. Thank you, please come again, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, do not proofread cos there’s no proofread button
April 30th, 2008 at 10:45 am
It’s just a scratch. I bet he wouldn’t have even noticed.
*grin*
April 30th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Those are important lessons!
I bet they can buff that little old scratch out…
April 30th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Ouch!
April 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Good one Tanis! I think it’s called CYA–covering your ass! I’m copying you the next time I have an “accident” with our hulking SUV that always seems to veer towards mailboxes…
April 30th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Wow! I have a bit of advise…..just park the car with that side against something. Then insist that Boo take the your car next time he needs to go somewhere. When he returns, conveniently point out that someone hit him and all is well……
and I’m NOT saying this from experience…just in case my ever loving, pineapple giving (for Mother’s Day at that!) hubby reads this!
April 30th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I can’t help but wonder what things he needed forgiveness for that you didn’t mention.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I swear sometimes I think you are married to my husband! And that small dent? Forget about it! He is a man and it may take months for him to notice it. By then you can say, “Oh, that, I don’t remember what happened, it was soooo long ago.”
April 30th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
He’s really lucky to have you around to forgive him in such significant, denty ways.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I’m in love with you.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Niiiice. Using the blog to break bad news. Gonna’ have to try that one on for size.
Perhaps, AFTER my hubby sees how pretty my new big-girl blog is, he won’t mind so much that the bill for it needs to be paid. We’ll call it a birthday present.
I guess you know what you’re getting for your anniversary? Forgiveness in the form of a gift certificate to the body shop?? (For your CAR - not you, silly! That would be a present for BOO.)
April 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
you are my hero.
the end.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
You PUBLISHED this? After only EIGHT years of bliss *cough cough* I have one word.
Deniability.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Oh my god!!!
That is awesome! If I ever have something bad to tell my husband, im totally copying you and saying it on a blog! That is the best thing i have ever seen.
P.S. I read your blog everyday. It makes me laugh and cry. Thank you for that.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Hahaha that is hilarious! You could total the car & still be “behind” you are a good writer. I’ll be back. Not kidding!
April 30th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Oh you know he saw something coming while reading this… you just know it.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I’m not so sure I’ve learned about forgiving so much as ignoring over my own 11 years next month. Ignoring socks left on the hallway floor until he gets the hint and picks them up himself, for example. I totally won that one.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
As I started reading I thought “oh crap, what did Tanis do?” Frankly, you were setting up something bad. Turns out it was just a dent. I’ve seen worse. It’s forgivable.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I’ve been reading this blog religiously for some time now (and loving it from the very first post), and this story once again proves a couple of facts I’ve known for a while: First, never, ever read these truths of your life while drinking a beverage. Second, my goal of achieving a stand-out voice in my fiction writing may is an uphill struggle to reach what you have in describing your own reality! You rock.
Also, my husband’s way to observant and would never miss the “kiss and love bit” your ATV gave your car. Without the witnesses and public confession, you could have explained it away as a little vehicle lovin’.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Wow. You could fill something cavernous with all that forgiveness you have for him. Now, where could you find something large and cavernous to hold all that forgiveness? Oh wait! I know! That dent!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Yeah Boo it is all about forgiveness. And anyway it adds CHARACTER to the car. Who wants to be driving around in a car like everyone elses? I mean come on, it will make it easier to spot in the mall carpark AND AND! no self respecting thief is gunna want a dented car now will they?
I think that our lovely has actually done you all a favour and you should bow to her awesomeness.
(you reckon that’ll work?)
April 30th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“Thing two: If you don’t keep score, no one can lose at the game of marriage”.
I love this quote and I am going to remember this post should I need it … very funny and you got to win this round !
He so owes you !
My Little Drummer boys
April 30th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
What a great post! How’d he take the news???
April 30th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
You are brilliant. This totally makes me want to go and do something really insane and post about it so that I can forgive Nate.
(By the way, can I respectfully point your man towards the Cool Mom Picks Mother’s Day Gift Guide? I’m a little scared that you’ve got a toaster or a bunyon remover coming your way next week.)
April 30th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Hey don’t forget there is also Mother’s Day on top of the anniversary oh yes May is jackpot month in your world. I can’t wait to hear how the making up goes. Knee pads anyone?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
OK, so I was reading along, giggling, and then I hit those last few graphs and photos — woman, I am howling!!!
Brilliant post!!
(has he read it yet?)
May 1st, 2008 at 12:18 am
My husband was able to spot (in total darkness) from100 yards away that I’d sideswiped a tree backing into a camping spot. But I forgave him.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:03 am
This is probably reason number one why I don’t drive. I’d have to be forgiving Kyle ALL THE TIME. And I’m just not big enough for that.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:32 am
My well used line in marriage, “well at least I told you about it and didn’t hide it.”
It usually gets me out of being in trouble.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:09 am
nice one Redneck. Just go round the other side to even it out.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:50 am
We won’t talk about the time when I was 17 and got rear ended in my moms car. But! I didn’t know better and thought getting rear ended would be my fault. So I tried to lie and say it got hit in the store parking lot. She didn’t believe it. So I did the worst. I blamed one of my boyfriends saying his parking break came off and his car magically rolled into the back of ours and strangely a giant dent appeared. THEN she wanted to call him to make him pay for it. SOOOO I told her he got in trouble and his parents moved him to his grandmas and he didn’t live here anymore.
It’s been 11 years. I’m still not ready to fess up to that lie.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:11 am
Unless the cost of auto body repair is significantly higher up there than in the U.S., that really isn’t too expensive. Really- my husband and I have owned body shops, so I have a pretty good idea.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Forgiving is a big thing and one I’m not as good at as I maybe should be. Because I am a big sucky child.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:27 am
You know now he’s going to take away the Vibe and make you drive the pick-up everywhere.
Maybe greeting him at the door with nothing on but a purple shirt will help.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:30 am
You are hilarious! It’s so good of you that you will forgive him if he should flip out!
Happy Early Anniversary!
May 1st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
You are a genius blogging spin doctor. It’s like watching a surgeon at work. Everyone should learn from this!
May 1st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
You are so in trouble, aren’t you? I wish I had thought to blog when I wrecked the Silverado we were trying to sell, so that we could move cross country. The Silverado that just came out of the shop the day before…for repairs on a dent in the exact same spot. Blog soon so we know he hasn’t killed you and buried your body with that dear old ATV.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
two words, love….BLOW. JOB. i promise, all will be forgiven. or at least most. haha.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Well I’m sorry about your accident, however, I think I just wet my pants reading this post.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:09 am
ali is definitely correct.
definitely.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
Ya - I gotta agree with Ali and Backpacking Dad. It generally makes everything better.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:45 am
I love that you can announce this little “oopsie” on your blog and know that Boo will have to laugh and forgive.
‘Cause that whole shop vac business…he must still be paying for that.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 am
I wondered where you were going with that post and it’s got to be one of the funniest reads I’ve had in a long long time!
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Grabbing at the funbags…that has got to be the most irritating thing ever! But I totally laughed my ass off at this entire post.
As for the dent? Maybe the atv was possessed and ran into your car despite your splashings of holy water and speaking in tongues.
That story might fly.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
“I even forgave him while he chatted up a storm with the gas station attendant while I had to squeeze my legs shut in order to prevent giving birth in the front seat of our van while he laughed about outrageous gas prices and how ridiculous it was to run out of gas while your wife was eight centimeters dilated and her contractions were coming every twenty seconds.”
You guys are SO EVEN.