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Peering Into The Crystal Ball
I am a warrior fearlessly peering down danger and death everyday.
Well, the reality is I’m actually a giant pansy who hides under the bed and sucks her thumb is afraid of any sort of physical confrontations but in my mind I’m the long lost sister of Braveheart.
Facing grief and wrestling with it every damn day tends to toughen an old bird up. At least in my mind.
I sometimes forget that I’m not the only soldier out on this battlefield; that my loss wasn’t strictly my own. It was also my husband’s and my children’s. I try to remember this, but to be honest, sometimes the rawness of their emotions takes me by surprise and feels like an imaginary cast iron frying pan whacked upside my noggin.
The other day, out of the blue, my lovely daughter was staring out into space with a faraway look on her face.
Thinking she was drooling over some boy at school or envisioning herself as the future wife of some teenaged heart throb, I poked her and asked what was running through that pretty little head of hers.
“I was just wondering what Shale would have looked like when he was a grown up.”
THWACK! That’d be the sound of the ole frying pan up against my head.
“I mean, I also wonder what I’m gonna look like when I’m a grown up, but all I have to do is wait and see. But there is no waiting and seeing with Bug. He’s gone. I miss him so much Mom. And, well, I just was wondering what he’d look like right now, or when he was grown up.”
I swear I heard imaginary birds twittering around my head like in the cartoons and I blinked back the stars I suddenly saw.
I gave her a big hug and told her there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by where I didn’t wonder if he’d grow up to look like his father or like me or some weird hybrid of both of us. I wondered all the time if his hair would have stayed curly and blonde, if he would have been tall like his father and my brother Stretch or if he would have been vertically challenged like both his grandfathers.
Satisfied that she wasn’t alone in her grief, she bounced back into happy form like a damn rubberband and went to find her living brother to go fart on him or push him down a flight of stairs.
Leaving me of course, gasping for breath and wondering. Would he look like Boo? What if he grew up ugly with a big nose and a big bald spot? Would he have been thin? Or one of those potbellied drooling dudes who wheel themselves around asking for spare change to buy smokes with that you see downtown.
I snapped out of it eventually. I mean, this was my child I was thinking of, not some random disabled homeless dude on the street. Even if he was, he’d have been the best looking beggar out there. He’s got his daddy’s genes.
The truth is, all I have to do is look at the photos snapped through the years to get a clear idea of how he would have looked as he grew up. He really didn’t change much, he was very much like his siblings. Cute from the get go.
Well, maybe not, but love will blind a mommy to even the most hideous imperfections. Right?
I remember being Fric’s age and staring at myself and hoping I’d mutate into some beautiful swan. I was desperate to look into the future and find out if I’d be pretty, or thin or tall. I didn’t care much about whether I succeeded in life or had a nourishing career, I just wanted to know if any boys would finally like me.
Hell, I just wanted to know if I was ever gonna grow boobs.
It’s a good thing I didn’t know back then that I wouldn’t sprout a pair until well into my late teens and that even after popping out three babies I still would have a rather small set of girls.
It’s a good thing I didn’t know then that by the time I turned fifteen my twelve year old little sister would be wearing a bra that I could only dream of wearing. The only thing of mine that would fit into my younger sister’s cups was my head. Not so good for the pubescent ego.
It’s probably for the best that I couldn’t have seen myself in the future, slouching about in yoga pants and a ratty teeshirt, still without a bra, not wearing any makeup and my hair in a pony tail, doing my best impersonation as a soccer mom. If I had known then I never would have been a supermodel I may not have had the fortitude to endure all those years of teenaged teasing about my being ‘flat as a board and never been nailed.’
But a small adolescent part of me still wonders what the future will hold for me. I have faith in my children’s gene pool to know they will grow up to be strong, happy, beautiful people. At least in the eyes of those who love them. But what of me?
Will I be a graceful elegant older lady who embraces every wrinkle, every liver spot and still manage to look striking?
Will I lose my height and become a shrunken version of who I am now, stooped over and hobbling around chasing the neighbourhood children with my cane?
Will I be a pleasantly plump elderly woman, the type children love to bury themselves in with hugs, handing out sugar the way crack dealers pimp out their drugs?
Will I keep my hair or will it grow so thin and fine that you can see my skull from underneath? Will I start dying it hideous shades of orange or start wearing a lot of ugly hats?
Will I develop a sudden love of orange lipstick that makes me look like a bad drag queen?
I guess, like my daughter, I will have to wait to find out. And pray that my friends and family keep me away from anything orange in the cosmetic’s departments in the mean time.
Then I found this.
Suddenly my future self flashed before my very eyes.
Not bad. Not bad. At least I have hair and I’m not wearing any funky coloured lipstick.
I always knew I’d be hot stuff.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Thanks for the old lady pic, I will never look at grandmas the same way again. Who knew what could be hiding under that granny dress>.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:39 am
I hope Boo likes it when you keep the flip-flops on.
And the sandals.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Boo’s a lucky man. Tattoos and with a side of exhibitionism. You are one hot momma!
I have a question though. If Grammy has the full-frontal thing going on, why did the block out the nips on the woman in the background? I’d put my money in Grandma’s g-string before the balloon lady any day.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am
LOL That picture caught me off guard!
May 7th, 2008 at 9:06 am
This was so sweet and I was totally loving it and reveling once again in the amazingness that is you when THWACK! You wacked me with your virtual frying pan with that last pic. Seriously darlin’ was that necessary :-)?
May 7th, 2008 at 9:18 am
AAHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!
Why do you do that? Lull us into a false sense of security with cute baby photos, and then BAM! that stares at us?!?
May 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I guess she didn’t think that joining the Red Hat Society made an appropriately bold statement!
May 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Next Tuesday would have been my daughters 31st birthday.
Yeah, I wonder the same things.
But then my reality is that SHE took herself from this place, and well, therein lies the difference, she didnt want to find out for herself.
So how can I?
May 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Oh, dear God. The overhang!
May 7th, 2008 at 9:59 am
This was a great post. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately too. Although I have to say, I wasn’t expecting the ending. Gah! I hope I don’t look like that when I’m older! Must go - eyes are demanding to be poked out with something pointy.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I have to comment on the first part of the blog (because that photo? I have no words)…my older brother died in an accident when I was 12, and after many, many years, I had come to terms with my loss, my family’s grief and even his high school sweetheart’s grief. And then I went to the HSS’s 40th birthday party, some 18 years after his death. And her brother-in-law, who was one of their classmates, walked over to me and told me that he still missed my brother and considered my brother to have been the best friend he ever had. And it was as if someone had hit me with a sledgehammer. I suddenly realized for the first time ever that it wasn’t just ‘our’ loss–others had been affected.
So I drank lots of wine. And maybe let myself cry just a little in the taxi on the way home.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Then ending picture was just beautiful. There’s nothing I love more than a naked old lady strutting her stuff.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I think I felt that frying pan….wow.
And grandma pic….um, ewwwwww!
May 7th, 2008 at 10:35 am
note to self: do NOT read redneck mommy at work. people look at you funny when soda is spraying out of your nose.
you should totally post a warning before you do that to people.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Whoa. I mean…WHOA!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:05 am
reminds me of the song by Kenny Chesney “who you’d be today”
god bless…
May 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Okay, you made me tear up and giggle my ass off in the span of 5 minutes.
That photo of the tattoo lady? Is PRECISELY why I would never get a tat;).
May 7th, 2008 at 11:18 am
p.s. not that I’m judging….I just know the saggy ass nature of my skin and it would be far worse.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:21 am
That photo made my day! Holy crow is all I can say.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am
hot stuff, indeed. and all of your babies are as gorgeous as their mama.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Is that a Basset Hound you are holding in the spiral perm picture? My husband had one just like that. Your babies are CUTE.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
That picture was pretty awesome. I am forwarding it to my husband at work RIGHT NOW.
It is hard to think about grief as being a shared thing and I would write more but than I would cry, so I won’t.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
dude, you crack me up and break my heart. love.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
OW, me eyes!!!!
May 7th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
too many mixed emotions for one post.
my eyes are burning.
I know exactly what you mean about it being hard to remember that grief is shared. That feeling has been my life for 8 years now.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
No no - you are the one in the background, in the golf cart flashing her heart shaped nipples and yelling “CHECK OUT THESE GUNS BABY!”.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Well you already know what sorta old lady I want to be…
Sheesh woman, I went from tears to laughter in one post. You gotta stop doing that! My poor little brain can’t handle that many emotions in the same hour…
And that old chick… at least she is not wearing Crocs. I will give her that.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Dude, I didn’t know that you’d taken a picture of me. I’m flattered that you put me on your blog.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
my eyes are burning!!! Aughhhhh!!!! I so was not expecting that. my little son is annoyed because he is nursing and I erupted in laughter and disrupted him. he has to have his little bubble of silence to effectively suck the living daylights outta my boob…
May 7th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Oh God. You are so very very wrong.
In a good way, but still. Very very wrong.
I must now Windex my screen.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I’ve gone from tears to snickering — in just a few mere minutes.
Your boy would have been a looker — those eyes… and I LOVE the hair.
And I’m quite sure you will not morph into that last horrifying image. I’m fixated on the boobs — that sag is my nightmare. It makes me fantasize not only about a tummy tuck, but also a little lift.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
How the fuck do you do that? Get me all weepy and soft and then make me fart with the laughing.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I’ve read about your son, and your tributes to him are very touching. Your daughter is going to be beautiful, inside and out.
On a different note, I’m thanking my lucky stars that my post-pregnancy belly looks nothing like that tattoo lady. Wow.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Oh, my HELL my retinas are ruptured and bleeding from that last photo!!!!
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder why my bug would look like all the time. He had red hair and I often catch myself wondering if it would have stayed as red as he grew up.
Hugs.
P.S.
We’ll be hot old bitches. You just wait and see.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Ugh. I have to comment because of all of the negative commentary on here regarding that last photo.
Screw all of you that have said “ew” or gross!
That’s a freaking AWESOME picture. That woman ROCKS. I only HOPE to have that kind of balls when I am her age! Do you REALLY think that’s so gross? That’s just so sad to me.
She’s rocking out with her c**k out, so to speak, and I really think that’s AWESOME
Stop perpetuating the f**ed up beauty standards that hurt us and our children. Really, LOOK at her! That kicks ASS. She doesn’t give a f**k and I don’t know that there’s anything more beautiful than that.
I am not at all generally inclined to “go there” on someone’s blog, but c’mon people…
May 8th, 2008 at 3:16 am
OMG that Granny is hilarious … my granny only had seven gold earrings .
On a more sombre note … I get what you mean about missing your Bug and who he be or look like today (hugs).
I went from brink of tears to PMS laughter too.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Amen to what Rachel said. At 58 years old, let me tell you there is not much you can do about gravity so just embrace it as another stage of life. Alternatively, you could embrace plastic surgery and look like Mary Tyler Moore or Priscilla Presley.
Of course, embracing my body includes keeping my clothes on (mostly).
May 8th, 2008 at 5:02 am
This is why you have a daughter - she’ll set you straight and make sure you don’t go around wearing orange lipstick while sporting a nice pair of rolled down knee high hose.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Damn woman, are you trying to send me into labor??
May 8th, 2008 at 7:20 am
I’m thinkin’ I might see this woman in town this summer for Harley’s 105th! I’ll look for her and let you know!
May 8th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Gah! That should have come with a NSFW warning! Gah! My eyes! I’m bliiiiind!
But yes, I look at my MIL and wonder if I can keep myself from getting that plump or if it will matter, and wonder too, why she insists on fuschia lipstick. I think I’ll stick with lip balm, even though it’s not doing much for me now, either.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
is that legal in Canada? Can you walk around naked? or is that considered clothed. Cause I don’t think she had nipples or maybe they were hiding.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Okay, first? That dude in the background golf cart? His shirt says SECURITY. I’m guessing that refers to his need to breastfeed.
Second? That gal ROCKS. That is me in 50 years.
Third? I had a dream about you last night! I was amazed to find out you lived around the corner from me in real life and we became best of friends. I completely corrupted you and dragged you out to Karaoke weekly. We got tattoos. And you found the nerve to get that piercing we talked about. It was good times. Sigh.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I’m not sure if I feel empowered by that picture or really scared that my girls will be at my knees when I’m that age.
Best not to think about it.
And invest in good undergarments.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I’m with Rachel on this one - I’ll feel lucky if I looked like that in… oh, a couple years. Except my girls would be dragging on the floor, making me do a jig in order to keep from being tripped up and entangled in them. Something to look forward to!
May 8th, 2008 at 10:29 am
What a thought provoking post. I’m going along thinking seriously about what I’ll be like and then boom…there was that woman. What a shock to the system.
Still, I loved the post and all the thoughts about your little Bug and then about you wondering what you will look like too.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:23 am
My husband wants that security dude’s job.
Um..you really did it. The beginning had me in tears. Before I ever came here, I read Missing My Bug in its entirety. I think he was perfect in every way, and I feel blessed to “know” him.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I was..going to say..um..something but I can’t remember now..um..yeah..stuff..t..well….
May 8th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
The real question is what is that security guard doing in the background?
Oh, and I want to be that old woman some day. Not the granny that rocks her life away on a front porch wearing a mumu.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
she’s hot!
May 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Thank you Rachel- well said!
May 8th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
As usual, I’m LOVING your post!!! Thanks for making my day brighter!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Awesome pictures. All of ‘em. I hope I have the big brass ones that lady has when I’m her age. She’s one strong, happy lady to be walkign around like that, for certain!
May 9th, 2008 at 6:46 am
That is the best picture ever!!!!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Pardon me while I go and scratch my eyes out. And curl into a fetal position. And suck my thumb.
And beg and plead with the powers that be that I NEVER look like that woman!
I will return if my eyes have healed within the next few days.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:07 am
That lady rocks. I want to be just like her. Well, maybe not with so much overhang, but with 4 c-sections it’s probably inevitable. But I hope I have her confidence.
Your bug would have been as gorgeous as an adult as he was as a little kid. Of that much I’m sure. Sharing the grief helps make it bearable.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:22 am
LALALALALA I didnt just see that!! LALALALALA
Make the visions go away. Make the visions go away.
May 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am
OMG I think I’ve gone blind