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Help a Gibbled Gal Out
Woe is me.
While I’m still mourning the fact that I was not born a bazillionaire heiress able to spend my time frolicking carelessly on some tropical beach, (and yes, I realize I’ve had thirty odd years to come to terms with this small injustice but what can I say? I’m stubborn,) but as of late I have a new injustice to mourn and curse about.
My once young and nubile body has become a traitor, deserting me and leaving me trapped inside an aging, wrinkling and ever expanding carcass.
Thy body is a temple.
Snort.
A temple dedicated to snap, crackling and popping at every damn opportunity. Especially after four days of playing in the dirt and planting my flower beds and vegetable garden.
I’ve done everything I could think of to pamper my biomachinery. I rest it by taking long naps, I avoid strenuous exertion at all costs and I frequently lubricate with fine wine.
Still, my body rebels. Let it be known if it continues at this pace, I will be forced to stop spoiling it with treats such as mint chocolate icecream and nachos ladened with extra cheese and guacamole.
Won’t my body be sorry then for all the grief it is giving me now?
It’s either that or I’ll be forced to start going back to the gym. Then nobody will be happy.
So I’m holed up inside, trying to avoid the mountain of laundry that threatens to swallow me hole, while the dust bunnies try and gnaw at my ankles every time I lower my legs off the couch.
I figure if I stay still long enough I can trick my back into thinking it is once again the limber superstar of it’s glory days; days when I could garden endlessly and still have the stamina and flexibility to put my ankles behind my ears and do backflips in the bedroom.
Meanwhile, I’m bored. Not bored enough to tackle the house cleaning (hellooo! I’m injured. Not lazy. Heh.) and certainly not bored enough to dig out the pile of unpaid bills and tackle my finances.
Just bored enough to surf the net, channel surf and moan to the assortment of telemarketers about the vagaries of growing old and why no tomato plant is worth a week of back pain.
(Telemarketers just love to listen to your list of complaints of bodily ailments. Almost as much as they like to hear about how your husband demands sex more often than a teenager asks for money and how your dainty hooohaaa parts are used and abused after an entire week of trying to be a good wife.)
Hmmm. Maybe that is why my back is sore.
Snort. Who am I kidding? That would imply I actually put some effort into any mattress dancing partook in our bedroom instead of just laying there, daydreaming about Clive Owen and asking Boo if he was done yet.
Heh. Yeh. I’m a real romantic.
So I’m doing something I’ve never done before. Mostly because I always feared no one would participate and I would be publicly shamed and embarrassed and forced into hiding in my pantry while the entire blogosphere snickered at my audacity and stupidity for thinking anyone would even care.
I’m opening myself up to all of you. Spreading myself wide for you all to know.
Wow. Apparently, I’ve spent too much time in the bedroom.
Gotta question? Wanna know something about me? Ask away. I’ll answer. I’m not setting any boundaries as I’m a pretty open gal. Just don’t ask what my husband’s last name is or what my pin number is.
I don’t remember. Wink, wink.
But to those who want to know what my favorite position in the boudoir is, I’ll just cut you off at the pass and just tell you know it is any that require the least amount of effort on my part.
After all, my body is a temple.
Heh.
***Help me out here people. I’m flat on my back and bored to tears. I may start randomly prank calling my siblings people at this rate.***
May 20th, 2008 at 9:51 am
What is Nixon up to while you are laid up? My Boston tries to climb into any available orafice just to get close, he snuggly that way. That wouldn’t jive with a bad back.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:54 am
The whole layout thing, I’m stuck. I like the redhead in the bikini, she’s sorta scary and sexy at the same time. But, then again, orange isn’t my color. So yes, I want you to change it because I’m selfish and your blog should be all about pleasing me while I read you.
That is what blogs are about, right? Right?
Ahh, who am I kidding. I just don’t do orange.
And I feel you on the dainty pink hoo ha parts being overused. At least he’s showing you the love! And I bet you feel it in regions you didn’t know existed.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:08 am
What’s the news on the adoption front?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I want to know how you kept both of your nipple piercings! I’m still pissy because after having both for over a year and a half, I had one get infected. I had to take it out, go on antibiotics, and get a DPT shot which left my arm sore and bruised. Plus that side looks so pitiful now!
Take care of that back! Vicodin works wonders.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Hmm
Do Fric and Frac no about your website?
Do they read it?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:15 am
and by no I mean know…
Wow.. I’m tired today.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Have Fric and Frac tried to kill you with an overdose of first aid? I ask because my wee one tried to kill me last night, but today…..not even how do you feel! Feel better, I have a back from hell and know how you feel!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Give us a “tour” of your house. The way it really is everyday. Everybody likes a dose of reality.
Also, you could tell us about the things you said lately that involved putting your foot in your mouth afterwards.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:46 am
What is the secret to maintaining a hot and heavy sex life with a man you have been with since your teen years?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am
You would kill off The Great One?
**gasp**
May 20th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I feel your pain, Gibbles….lol…injured as well from gardening plus sunburn as well! My question of the day…..Would you be so kind to share what grows in a redneck mommy’s garden? It is all carrots and corn on the cob? Or is that just what I plant in mine….Heh! I hope you feel better soon!
ps….Sick Joke for ya!
2 redneck mommies are working in their garden pulling carrots and one mommy says to the other - Oooooh, that carrot there reminds me of my hubby…..
The other says - Is he that big - NOooooooo, honey, he’s that dirty! LOL!
Snort, snort, snort…HAHAHA!
Have a good day!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Okay, I have a question. What the heck is GIBBLED?
My back went out a few weeks back and my doctor told me to start walking (flat terrain) 45 minutes each day. I managed not to laugh until I got in the car.
Then I tried it. It works, dammit.
Hang in there!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I vote for a video of you four-wheeling mud in your pickup.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Tanis -
First, I want to thank you so much for bringing humor to the world on a regular basis. I look forward to your (almost) daily updates and applaud you for keeping up with it. I know of awesome blogs that don’t get updated (or just fade away) and it becomes frustrating! Thank you!
My question is -
How did you become so articulate? Most people cannot even compose an email properly in the corporate world, but you write so well — for FUN!
BTW, I like Big Red, but if you wanted to change her, that would be fine with me. As long as you keep blogging, I don’t really care what the site looks like!
Thanks for the many hours of enjoyment and entertainment!
Jim
May 20th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I just lost a six year old nephew who had cancer, which is why I’m asking this.
Do you ever wonder where you would be in life now if Bug hadn’t died? How has life changed you since losing him? Do you ever pretend he really hasn’t died? Maybe pretend isn’t the word, fantasize. Be doing something, entirely normal, yet in your head somewhere way off, he’s still with you?
Just wondering. I love you Tanis, your writing keeps me coming back. Ditch the girl or not. :o)
May 20th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hmmm… I love the Red One. Not in a “I’m not really a Lesbian, it was just a college experiment” type way. Just in a she kicks butt and takes names kinda way. I had to vote to ditch her though. Not sick of seeing her, just thinking that if you found something as kick butt as her to begin with, I can only imagine what kind of fantabulous graphic you’ll find next.
As for the question…..
about how many readers (hits?) do you have a day and have you ever graphed to see if you have more Americans or Canucks visiting. Of course, it’s not about competition, it’s just about my weird curiosity. I’m south of the border and I can’t even remember how I found your blog, but I love it. It’s one of only two blogs I visit. I just love how real you are!
May 20th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Hey Lady, I love your blog. I just recently started reading a lot of blogs, due to promotion at boring desk job, and yours is def one of my favs. Although I wouldn’t suggest reading it all at work, I had to fake allergies because of the random times I’d start crying! Anyhoo, not that I don’t love the current layout, but I think change is usually a good thing.
Drat. I had a question for you when I started typing this, but now I forget. Ah well. I’ll send it later if I think of it. Thanks for being so awesome!
May 20th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I’m all for the change. I love Big Red, but I like to shake things up.
I’m trying to figure out if I can afford to do the same before BlogHer. I’m getting a little tired of the orange and staring at my eyes all the time.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Hmmm, I know. What place makes you happiest?(Yes, I’m radom, I know)
May 20th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
hey…i have a question for you–why haven’t you entered my doodle contest?! it’s for charity and you could win a prize. lol.
seriously though…what’s your favorite snack-sized candy bar? are kit kats tier 1 or bottom of the barrel at your house?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
In that millisecond after you hit post what was the question that flashed across your mind? The one you hoped nobody asked? You don’t have to answer it or anything I just wondered what it was.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
PS Hubby says to keep it! It’s the only blog I read that catches his attention….
May 20th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I want to hear some drunk ass stories. Bring ‘em on!
May 20th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I’m kinda fond of Big Red, myself. Maybe you could try something new and have another poll? I know that would mean a lot of work, but if you pay off Fric and Frac to wrestle any dust bunnies big enough to choke Nixon, you might have enough time.
My question: What private info have you shared here that you (or Boo) wish you could take back?
May 20th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
OMG! YOU have to KEEP big red!
BUT since she is from the movie ” Attack of the 60ft Centerfold”, if you let her go you would have to change the whole page. Maybe to “ghostbusters” cause the marshmellow man was cool and kicked ass too.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Hmm. A question. All the ones I’m thinking of are x-rated. Ummm…
Tell me three things you want to do before you die.
And DON’T CHANGE YOUR TEMPLATE.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I want to know what you fear most about successfully adopting a child.
Because I’m not feeling funny right now.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I was wondering how many tattoos/piercings you are currently sporting and if there are any you are still dreaming of getting when husband is out of town
May 20th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Go hard or go home, I always say.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I would like to know who named you Tanis and where did it come from.
And I like Big Red. But maybe change her outfit.
Maybe a purple shirt?
May 20th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Where do you find inspiration for your posts? I try to blog daily but often have trouble coming up with material. Most of my stuff has revolved around my kids, but I find myself going to politics or stuff I see when I’m out and about…how do you make the mundane so damn entertaining! I don’t want to be “just another blog” and I’m eager to get some insight.
As for Big Red, she’s got to go. She kinda freaks me out.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Well - I second (third, fourth, or fifth) what the fuck is gibbled?
May 20th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Also, why fix it if it ain’t broke?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
A change is as good as a rest. Red is good but I’m embarassed by her at work or when she who must be obeyed is looking over my shoulder.
“..swallow me hole..” lols
wild visions
Questions. I too want to know the derivation of “Tanis”. I’m guessing Scandinavian, that goes with the blond hair too.
And why do you beat yourself up? Are you putting yourself down for our entertainment? Oh sure, it’s funny, but Boo keeps coming back, the welfare people haven’t taken Fric and Frac away (yet). You tell us you can’t cook and your house is a trough. I think you’re stretching it.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Great questions. I plan on answering as many of these as I can.
As soon as I can see straight.
Never ask a ten year old boy to give you a back massage.
After removing his knee cap from my spine he then thought it would be fun to walk on my back and pretend I was his personal trampoline.
He then ran off, cackled madly and hid my pain killers and wine.
Sadist.
Thanks for all the questions. Keep ‘em coming.
Oh, and gibbled is slang for injured, sore, or walking half stooped over like an arthritic 90 year old woman while wishing for a quick death.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:50 am
I’m with slouching mom, I am DYING here to know what is going on with the new addition!
Oh and do you match your bra with your panties? Cause I guess there is not a lot of chance of getting hit by a bus whilst lounging on the couch eating mint chocolate icecream (with extra choc chips? *drool*) but you just never know…
May 21st, 2008 at 7:51 am
Stupid question…but how many people in your town know who you are? I’m pretty sure I figured out where you live just by reading a few entries, so I’m ssuming others near you have. I just wonder because my blog has no where near the radership yours does and the other day I was talking to someone and they realized they read me…too weird for me.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:57 am
Sorry your laid up. I happen to love the template you have.
Let’s see…question….
What is your favorite wine? Have you ever tried to make your own wine?
May 21st, 2008 at 8:59 am
Quick question: Top Ten Best-Loved and HadAStrongImpactOnYou books, novels, plays, poems” Just because you have romantic and sexual fantasies about Clive Owens doesn’t mean you don’t read!
Best loved perfume? Nail polish? Bubble bath? And what is your personal preference: Brazilian or Landing strip?
If you saw someone wearing a MILF-tee at a soccer game would you be a.)disgusted or b.)delighted?
Yes, enquiring minds wish to know!
May 21st, 2008 at 9:25 am
Great blog, I don’t come for the layout. change it if you want.
ok a Question
well I don’t need to know any more than your willing to share in you blog.
Thanks
May 21st, 2008 at 9:50 am
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
PLEASE get rid of the red lady.
here is why…
I have a woman boss.
She is half Portuguese/Columbian (as in Bogotá Columbia),
she used to be catholic,
now she is Muslim.
She has walked past my cube three times that I am aware, right when i open your blog during my lunch before I can scroll down past the banner.
So i assume she thinks I am a weirdo, well, OK, she knows that I am, but maybe she thinks I have odd tastes, well, never mind.
But from a “work safe” banner, it could use some tweaking.
Then again, whiskey tango fox, keep it.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:57 am
Oh, BTW, I couldnt help but laugh at this freudian slip.
Maybe Bo isnt giving you the tongue of love when you said above….
“So I’m holed up inside, trying to avoid the mountain of laundry that threatens to swallow me hole, ..”
SWALLOW ME HOLE?
LOL
sounds like a drunken woman sailor, Hey barnacle, how about you swallow me hole!
thats allright, we dont marqu off for speiling her, dont oui?
May 21st, 2008 at 11:54 am
I’ve always wondered what your hubby does for a living that keeps him away from home for days at a time. (And can my hubby do it, too? Ha ha ha…I kid, I kid…wait…)
May 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Ever velcro the spawn to the wall in their bedrooms, lock the door, then go outside, drink some wine and listen to them scream? just wondering……
Peace
#2
May 21st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I can relate so much to the way your husband acts mine is exactly the same. Also, I wanted to know if the bullying has stopped at your daughters school? My daughter was experiencing a similar problem fortunately I did not have to have a confrontation with the parents of the the little snots!
May 21st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Hi, I just love this blog for the sheer enjoyment factor, its the one I read first. I would like to know are you this funny in real life, do all your friends piss themselves laughing at your stories? As someone already said I come here for the writting so I don’t mind if you keep the red lady. Thanks.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
sorry, writing
May 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
sorry, writing
May 21st, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Like Mama Tulip, all of my questions are x-rated. (You know me and my dirty mind.)
Do you wish we’d ask all of the dirty questions or are you relieved you won’t have to answer them?
May 21st, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Hmmm… I think I’d ask you, if you could have your dream job, what would it be?
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:24 am
Well dangit. We’ve went and broke Tanis! Where is the woman with our answers??????
:)~
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
LarryLily ~
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a steering-wheel in the front of his trousers.
The bartender asks, “uh, sir, do you realize there’s a steering wheel in the front of your trousers?”
The pirate says
“argh! I do, and it’s drivin’ me nutz”
*gafaw*
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
What are you reading these days?
When are you coming to see us in Toronto again?
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
My question is what kind of summer plans do you have to keep the Fric and Frac from driving you nutso all the live long days of summer vacation ? I personally dread the holidays since it means that they are at your feet 24-7 for two whole months AAAAAAHHHH