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Creeped out by Creepy Crawlies
I love the great outdoors. The blue skies, the sweeping wheat fields, my yard filled with animal scat. (Damn moose think my carefully mowed slightly shaggy grass is their personal litterbox.)
There isn’t much I don’t love about the outdoors. I don’t even mind the bugs. Except for hornets, wasps, bees and horseflies. Then you will see me shriek like a school girl and use my children as a personal shield as I run for shelter. Better them than me. They’re younger. They’ll recover faster.
I jest. Though not about being scared of bugs that are capable of imparting great pain. But most creepy crawlies don’t even register on my radar. Not even the pesky mosquito. It’s all part and parcel of enjoying nature’s bounty on the wrong side of the window pane.
When I was little, I use to collect grasshoppers and catepillars and tadpoles and what ever else I could get my dirty little paws on. I’d find old jam jars and poke holes in the lid and then watch my little captives starve to death, essentially. I was such a thoughtful child.
Oneday, I encountered the most beautiful insect. It was a fuzzy black and yellow caterpillar. I marveled at how soft and fuzzy it was and imagined what a beautiful butterfly it would morph into. I imagined it would have the wing span of a dragon and feather’s of a beautiful peacock.
I was delusional even at a young age.
I hurriedly found an old plastic ice cream bucket, grabbed a few twigs, a couple of fistfuls of grass and a few leaves and set off to imprison collect the fuzzy caterpillar of my dreams.
At first, I only found one. But with the persistence of an idiot determination of a small child, I had soon managed to find almost a dozen.
I had a colony! I played in my bucket of worms, er, fuzzy caterpillars all day. My mom had to threaten to squish them all to get me to come in for supper. Immediately after supper I rushed back to my bucket to play with my new friends. It was childhood heaven. I had named them all, and constructed a whole village in my head, assigning each fuzzy friend it’s own personality, job and family.
I reluctantly went to bed and carefully left my friends perched in their bucket, waiting to be reunited upon my morning return. Only, there was no joyful reunion. The wind knocked over my bucket, scattering my town and our family dog ate most of my town’s people.
But I had other problems other than the complete devastation of Tanis Town. I was diseased. Apparently, my darling colony were toxic to touch for hours upon hours at a time. Who knew that letting my furry little friends crawl up and down my arms was a bad thing?
When I woke up the next morning, my hands felt funny. I couldn’t really bend my fingers. I opened my eyes to look at my hands and screamed! My hands were swollen and covered with blisters. All over. In between my fingers, up my fingers, the palms of my hands, the backs of my hands and up my arms.
I looked like I had the plague. And oh, how it itched. It took more than a week to gain the use of my hands again without popping a pus filled blister or wanting to scratch my skin off to the bone. I was devastated. My little furry friends turned on me. I banished all love of caterpillars from my heart from that day forth and vowed that the only good caterpillar was a squished caterpillar.
Decades later, I still feel that way. I avoid anything long and tubular (just ask my husband. Heh.) I hate worms and caterpillars with the burning rage of an eight year old who was called “Worm Girl” by her older brother for weeks.
This of course, sucks, since I live out in a rural, heavily treed area. It’s a bountiful forest for the fuzzy creatures and they rain from the heavens (okay, the leaves) if you shake a tree or brush past a branch.
Meaning I squeal like a pansy ass A LOT in the summer months. My kids know this and take great delight in terrorizing me by holding the fuzzy creatures under my nose. My husband scoffs when I tell him, EMPHATICALLY, that I am allergic to those critters and to keep them the heck away from me.
Yesterday, we spent the day outside worshipping Boo and his fabulous paternal talents. (RE: He spent the day chopping wood while cracking the whip to get the kids to mow the lawn. I sat on our pretty deck with a lemonade in hand and supervised.)
When everybody came in for the fabulous supper I had made (what? It still counts if I drove in, picked the pizza up, took it out of the box and served it to everyone) when my daughter started to scratch her head at the table.
“What? Are you confused by something?” I inquired while her brother started teasing her that she must have cooties.
“No,” she shook her head and began eating her pizza. It wasn’t long before she was back to scratching her head.
“Is something wrong?” her father asked.
“No.” She scratched a few seconds more and then resumed eating.
Scratch, scratch.
Scratch, scratch.
Scratch, scratch.
Finally, after watching my daughter rip out her hair while the rest of us enjoyed our dinner, I put my pizza down and looked Fric in the eyes.
“What is the matter with you? Do you think you have lice? I told you not to share hats with the girls on your soccer team,” I lectured as I leaned forward to peer in my daughter’s hair.
She shook her head no and started to protest that she doesn’t have nits, when we heard a sudden soft plop. And then another plop. And another.
Everyone looked down and reacted at the same time. Three little tent caterpillars fell from my daughter’s head.
She screamed and started flipping her hair one way and then another to get all the creepy crawlies out of her hair.
I screamed because my sworn enemy was being tossed from the soft locks of my precious daughter and if she didn’t settle down, they could land in MY hair.
Boo laughed and continued to eat his pizza.
Frac, screeched with only the joy of a sibling whose head isn’t under attack from the creepy crawlies. Eventually, we all settled down and order was restored to our dinner table. Not that her or I were hungry anymore.
Thankfully, there were no more creepy crawlies hiding in my daughter’s scalp. The three little hanger-on-er’s were lovingingly squished by my husband’s thumb. My daughter had brushed her hair until it glistened. And I sat there reliving my own wormy nightmare from the past.
Just another typical Redneck family dinner.
Frac looked at his sister with an evil twinkle in his eye and then grinned.
“I always knew you had worms for brains, sis, but now I have proof.”
June 16th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I call my wife the “Bug Lady”.
She loves all things outdoors, and she has alwayas been a friend of wildlife. hell, she married me didnt she, enuf said.
She will rescue bugs from the inside of the house and put them carefully outside.
She started a couple of years ago to get plants for butterflies. This year she has a bunch of them, host plants that are what butterfly’s lay eggs on and plantas that they eat from. She works at a nature center and gets plants first before they sell them to the public. She has lots of dill, mexican hats, butterfly bush’s, pipestem plants and of course milkweed plants. This past week we had the first of many Eastern Black Swallowtail form a puppae, then this weekend released and then by sunday night it started laying eggs all over again. The monarchs will appear later this month, or perhaps not until September, but we have lots of
Yep, the Bug lady at work. i told her for what she spent on the plants, there better be a bunch more butterfly’s, or else that one will have cost nearly a hundred dollars LOL.
June 16th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Thank you! I am finally validated.
You see, just a few years ago I was sitting on the porch one summer morning in my pj shorts and a tee. Maybe TMI, but I was sans underware under the shorts. For some reason I had an itch, in the groin area. I came in and got in the shower. It didn’t go away. After my shower I picked up my clothes and happened to see something yellow on my shorts. It was THAT type of caterpillar. I screamed and threw them then quickly started having an anxiety attack as I was sure they were poisonous.
To this day, whenever we see a caterpillar, the husband quickly points out how I was “attacked” and tells me to run for my life!
Huh….I am printing this cause no one believes me you can get a rash from a caterpillar!
June 16th, 2008 at 10:05 am
*shudder, shudder, shudder*
June 16th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Glad to know I’m not the only one who did yard work on Father’s Day (well, technically I did the city boy version of yard work, but it was still yard work nonetheless).
June 16th, 2008 at 10:35 am
If it crawls on it’s belly? I am havin’ none of that, please and thank you!
June 16th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I thought I’d heard of tent worms before but couldn’t remember what they looked like so (stupid me) I [retch] looked them up on Google Images (urp).
I hate those things [gag] I just looked at the picture. Those little fuckers are always falling on my shoulders and stuff when we’re at the park with the Little Guy [BARF]
June 16th, 2008 at 11:02 am
As a fellow hater of creepy crawlies. This post made me break out in hives of empathy.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I think I would simply die. I do not do bugs. And, who could blame you for going into convulsions? That sounds painful and life changing. I hope your daughter avoids the blisters.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
As much as I love the garden, it pains me to be scratching here and there and get bitten by insects once in a while. But caterpillars creeps me out. Just the sight of them makes me itchy already. LOL!
Better watch them creepies.
It’s only good to look at them.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m a country girl too and I have no problem with bugs but catepillars freak me out. Iremember about 15 years ago there was a huge infestation in Southern Ontario and they were everywhere. It was so bad there were warning about slippery highways - DISGUSTING!
June 16th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
LOL… i never had a bug family of mine..
June 16th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Ooh that Frac - such a little sh*t! :b
June 16th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
urgh - my skin crawls… *shudder*
I grew up in southern Ontario and we had those nasty caterpillars/worm things that would build webs in the trees. They would often fall down on us - like rain. *so *damn *nasty* urgh. I haven’t seen much like that since we moved out west here (thank God!) but it still creeps me out so I totally feel for you! Poor girl though, that would be nasty to go through too!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I am sitting here itching all over it sympathy. I HATE BUGS!! Any kind of bug. I don’t care what kind, whether it flies, crawls, swims, whatever. I hate it. The only bug I like is a butterfly and I still won’t let them land on me because of the legs…ick!! I absolutely run around screaming like a little pansy when a bug gets near me. Just ask my hubby. He’s fended off many a spider/bee/ladybug/anything that resembles a bug.
All I gotta say is….EEEEWWWWW, GAG, RETCH, GROSS, I THINK I JUST BARFED A LITTLE…*shudders uncontrollably*.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I’m pretty immune to most bugs, too, but I must say I have a special place in the dark part of my heart for spiders (which creep me out beyond speaking, and seem to seek me out) and for mosquitoes, because I literally itch until I bleed, and they ADORE me. Apparently, I am yummy.
June 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
FUCK I hate those things..seriously…beyond giant spiders..ick…and while I can pick up snakes etc..noooo worms for me.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
once a cricket got stuck in my (long, at the time) hair. it was absolutely revolting.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.
Frac is pretty clever though.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
yuck yuck YUCK - I am not a fan of creepy, wormy things. I ‘ll take a spider anyday.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Ew,ew,ew!!! That made my head itch! I guess it’s sympathy!
June 16th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Sorry for the double post and this is going to sound like a shameless blog ad, but you should go check out my latest post. I think you’d appreciate the humor in it as much as I did. =]
June 16th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
i don’t think i’m going to sleep well tonight…….
June 17th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Ugh I had to fix my link. It probably sent you to the wrong page if you clicked it. It’s right now though.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I’d still be screaming. My big fear is flying bugs–it’s okay if they’re on the ground and you can track their progress, but flying out you? Terrifies me.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:48 am
You should NOT come to Louisiana..
and I never knew catepillars would do that!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:53 am
OH, ick. Poor Fric.
I remember a summer when we had a gypsy moth invasion, and it was like we were overcome by some biblical curse that made all outdoor surfaces squirmy and disgusting. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Dam
all these wemin scared of bugs. Do you know that even after washing that crock in the inside of your arm, opposite your elbow, you have millions of bacteria living there per square inch. Millions. And lets not even talk about your gut.
Talk about getting the heeby jeebies LOL
wussues.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
*shudder*
My town used to get infested by tent caterpillars (we called them army worms) like every 7 years or so. They were soooooo gross. I can still remember the smell of thousands of the things swarming the trees, garages, etc… And the sound of them popping under the wheels of the car. bleeeeecchhhhh
June 17th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Girl! I feel for you. Yesterday, there was a black widow outside the size of my THUMB. I decided to be a heroine (or an idiot) and took the hairspray out to spray it, then squish it. Not the brightest idea I have had.
eeew.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Those caterpillars are the devil, I tell you! Now when I am laying in bed tonight I am going to think of you and feel all creepy crawly. Blech.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Wow! That brought back memories. Right down to the glass jar with the hole in the lid, the stick and some grass. And those Fuzzy Bear catepillars…at least that’s what we called them. But what I completely forgot about was the rash they produced. Thanks so much for bringing back such great (read painful) memories.
Personally, I like bugs. Well, not mosquitos, or horse flies, or deer flies, or wasps, or hornets, or great big spiders…but, um, ya, I like bugs.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
ACK!!! I would have FREAKED out.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I had a wasp fly up my shorts once and I stripped them off in the middle of the driveway… the neighbor got a peep show and I had hives for four days.
Damn bugs.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I had the (almost) exact same experience when I was a kid!!! Only I had let them crawl on my tummy. I can still remember the doctor visit for that one…
all that’s left to say is “Ugh!”
June 17th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Watch Man vs. Wild. He eats those things on the show. Yum.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Blech!! I don’t even remember how I got here! It’s late I’m surfing. I found your page and I’m trying not to wake anyone up with my laughter!
Catipillars yuck!! We don’t have many here! Thank goodness I had no idea they were so “deadly”!! I am adding you to my favs, I like your sense of humor!! How do you feel about snakes? Yikes!!
June 18th, 2008 at 6:45 am
How funny! Well funny if it wasn’t me because if it was me I would be screaming my head off!
June 18th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Hi
I have spent the last couple of weeks reading through your complete archives following the link from Petite. I thought I’d de-lurk and tell you that I think you are utterly inspirational!
You write beautifully and have made me cry both happy and sad tears! I can’t see your pics so all emotions have been induced by your writing alone.
I hope the adoption works out for you all, you obviously have a lot of love to give.
Also, this Boo of yours sounds like a dream - any ideas on where I can pick one like him up in the UK…..?!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
LMAO. A typical dinner at Tanis’ house.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:30 am
I saw her website on Headline news and it’s the funniest thing i’ve read in a while. She would actually be a very good writer.