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MudSlide
“MOM!”
“MOOOM!”
“MMMMOOOOOOOMMMM!!!”
I’d like to say I couldn’t hear my darling son yelling his head off at the back door, but that would be lying. That boy can generate as much volume as a jet engine and deaf as I am, his voice can still penetrate the fog enshrouding my head.
I was just ignoring him while shopping online. From the tone of his voice, he wanted something and I had just made myself comfortable on the couch with my laptop perched on a pillow and a popsicle in my hand. The last thing I wanted to do at that moment was get off my arse and well, parent.
“MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!” he bellowed.
Realizing my son is like the Energizer bunny and would just keep on yelling at me until I answered, I sighed and called out, “WHAT?”
(It’s much easier to shout back then actually get up to see what he wanted. It’s classier too.)
Maybe I would have gotten up to see what he wanted if I hadn’t spent the majority of the day on my hands and knees scrubbing floors and walls that my darling children can’t seem to keep clean. Maybe I would have gotten up if I hadn’t spent the day slaving away doing their laundry while they frolicked outside in the pool as I sweated inside and sorted socks. Maybe I would have gotten up if I hadn’t just made supper, only to have them whine about having to eat brussel sprouts.
Maybe. Probably not though, knowing me.
From my comfy spot on the couch, I could hear Frac yell “SDLKJLFJAJEONGLKJFDLKJ!!!! HOSE! JJKHOIUEMFLNKHRWKJ!!! FIND!!! LKJGDSORKGLSKJDRW!!!”
Annoyed that I couldn’t make out what he was so loudly barking at me, (and mildly annoyed that I couldn’t just have one freaking minute of peace,) I pretended I was on a deserted island and ignored my child licked my popsicle.
I didn’t feel bad about it either. I figured if he was bleeding or broken, he’d have already showed me his war wounds. What ever he wanted couldn’t have been too important.
“MMMOOOOMMM!” He yelled again.
Why is it when you are scrubbing out toilets your kids never seem to need you but the moment you open your laptop or answer the phone, they have this sudden urgent need for your attention?
And why is it after more than a decade of parenting, I am still befuddled and annoyed by this wonderment?
Sigh.
“MOOOM!”
“Oh for pete’s sake, Frac. If you want to talk with me, walk to the living room. Stop yelling across the house. The neighbours are going to think you were raised by a redneck.” Heh.
Seconds later, my eldest son walked into the living room covered in slime, dripping wet and tracking a pile of mud and filth across my freshly scrubbed floors.
“WHAT THE H-E-double hockey sticks!!!”.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you, Mom. I fell into the slough and I stepped in goose poop. Where did you put the hose? I thought I would rinse off before coming in the house.”
DOH!
As I chased him back outside and mentally cursed to myself about having a piano tied to my ass, I grabbed the mop and started rewashing my floors. Again.
This time, I thought to myself, when I finally get a chance to sit back down, I’m skipping the popsicle and diving straight into my mommy juice.
After all, I need to toast my *stellar* parenting skills. I’m not thinking anyone else will do it for me.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Babes, I raise my glass of mommy juice (aka vodka and cran) to you and scream “you are my role model baby! ROLE MODEL!”
And omg, goose poop? That’s soooooooooooo gross. You made him clean it up, right?
July 4th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
ha ha - there is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip that perfectly illustrates what just happened there!! I tried to find it on the net but couldn’t - there is a copy on the wall at work I think - I will see if I can scan it and send it you!
July 4th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Ha Ha Ha! It’s that wonderful phenomenon known as I am a Mommy, therefore I am Murphy’s Bitch Law.
Princess did the same thing the other day. “Mom, I need my towel so I don’t drip all over the house.” This was said as she was standing in the middle of my new rug dripping mud, water and filth everywhere. It’s a good thing I love her!
Enjoy your Mommy Juice .
July 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Mommy juice cures all wounds. And makes you forget the shitty, literally, in this case, things our kids do so we can still get up the next morning and look our children in the eye and smile. Mommy amnesia. That is why God made Mommy juice. Amen.
July 4th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
That sounds like my kinda luck!
Spend all day slaving, looking forward to resting, and just as soon as I sit down. I have to get up and clean again. I hate doing things over!
Maybe I’ll have a sip of that mommy juice. Does it really help?
July 4th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Man, you answer your kids when they yell at you? You definitely deserve a toast of mommy juice. (Might I recommend Bacardi Limon (2 shots) mixed with cranberry juice over ice with a straw? It’s perfect!)
Remind me sometime to tell you about the time Teen wanted a pet. When he was four. It has foul smells, a chicken egg, and one pissed off mother in it. ;o)
Kids. Can’t live with them and can’t put them on a curb with a sign that says “FREE TO ANY HOME!” No one will take them. I know, I’ve tried. The darn things keep running in the house complaining about the heat. Now how is someone supposed to choose them if they won’t STAY on the curb. Oye.
July 4th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Can’t you just freeze your mommy juice?
July 4th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I think kids plot against us moms to make the biggest mess possible as soon as we finish cleaning. And then always manage to make it look like it was somehow our own fault…
www.notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com
July 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
“Here is to you…and me” for I have been there and drank at the mommy juice fountain. And it was good ……. in the end. At least no child was harmed in the making of this post.
July 5th, 2008 at 5:00 am
Oh chick, that sucks. Damn kids. Why is it they only listen when it is gunna cause you pain? And looks like my mate Murphy came to visit.
Don’t send him home OK?
July 5th, 2008 at 6:40 am
i see you still have that ass sniffing dog’s picture on your blog.
next time tell frac to climb back in the pool. i mean it is an oversized bathtub is it not??
what kinna popsicle you eatin? i love me some bombpops!
xoxo stranger.
July 5th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
LOVED this post. First one I never read… came from a link at Dooce. She’s amazing. You’re amazing. I’ll be back… Love, love, LOVE your style. Good on ya.
BTW - I have boys too. Ages 7 and 2. Dreadful beasts
Joe
July 5th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
DOH! is right! You’d think we’d see stuff like that coming, wouldn’t you. It never fails!
July 5th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
LOL
July 5th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I think we’ve all been there, for sure!
CHEERS!
July 6th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
It never fails as soon as I wash the floors some teenager or cat tracks muck across it. It is better never to have washed than to rewash. Hope the Mommy juice helped ease the misery. I guess only time will tell if that ear will come back. Hope so.
July 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Found you through the facebook blog app! Love your blog! Cheers to the mommy juice!
July 6th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Ew. Sometimes these things come back around and just bite us in the ass, hey? Today, here, it was an ineffective butt-wiping manoeuvre. Niiiice.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Oh man. I totally had the same type of thing. Mopped the floors while the twins were sleeping. They got up and while trying to feed them, one of them knocks the food off into the floor making a sticky mess everywere. Talk about aggrivated. I almost fed it to him off the floor…lol. If it wasn’t for that funny mop water taste I might have…
I just sigh, open another jar of baby food, and keep shoveling. Eventually it’ll get cleaned up. Hopefully before it dries, right?
Good luck with the mommy juice. Sounds like a good time to make jello shooters to me…lol.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:28 am
LMAO! Found your blog via Train Wreck’s blog. Love it!
Oh girl, we all have been there before! Never fells here when I sit down to read blogs, magazine, talk on the phone, I hear MOM! I truly believe they have built in radar!!!
Will be back!
Have a great day!
July 7th, 2008 at 7:44 am
You gave me an idea…Mommy juice POPSICLES! YUM!
I’m making some tonight!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Blogs to watch out for
For reasons too boring to go into, I no longer have a blog roll on my blog sidebar. I do, however, love to read other people’s blogs. I use a feed reader (Google) to keep up with them, and try…
July 7th, 2008 at 8:15 am
UGGG! I bet the hose was right were it belonged to, hooked up to the spiket? and goose poop huh? I guess you can be thankful it wasn’t moose turds right?
July 7th, 2008 at 11:20 am
oh crap, literally….
July 7th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
It’s funny how you need a glass of mommy juice (in my case, cheap French merlot) sometimes. Like after you just get finished cleaning the living room and move on to the kitchen and 5 MINUTES LATER you come back into the living room and find every lego ever produced in history is spilled out on the floor. Or when your ex comes over to pick up the kids and feels it’s his duty to let you know how you’re letting the place go to wrack and ruin. Or fill in the blank with annoyance of your choice. Mommy juice. It’s a good thing.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Once again, hats off to you..hope your laughing as well as they say, laughing makes us healthy. I try however, too date..too much sheet…in my life.
thanks for the moment..
Dorothy from grammology
remember to hug your gram
grammology.com
July 7th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Well, I’m always up for a good toast. Here’s to you!
July 8th, 2008 at 12:04 am
I would say that only if mommy is very, very thirsty that she should have first dibs on that juice but if she isn’t thirsty than she should leave her children to drink first. I also think that if you are capable that you should push your own straw into that cartoon of juice because most mommies have a lot of other important things to do with their time than to spend it pushing straws for children that can do that for themselves.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
See, I’m not even laughing because that was something that would happen in my house. You enjoy that mommy juice! You deserve it!
July 8th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
And I cry over all the water tracked in from the pool. Sheesh. Goose poop… bet that was nice and squishy between his toes.
Vodka- a Mums best friend… odorless and colorless, no one knows how much you’ve had until you’ve had too much.
Cheers!
July 9th, 2008 at 5:57 am
My kids FINALLY got the message when I said I am not talking through the walls or floor. They have to actually walk somewhere near me so that I can hear them. Of course, this is without goose poop smeared all over them. In that case, they need to go to the neighbors house and ask for their hose.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Ooooooo frozen whiskey pops!!! That sounds good!!! I don’t know how many times this happens to me.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:34 am
Wow! Maybe I should rethink ignoring my child when she yells my name, mommy mommy mommy. I’ve noticed that she never needs me until I sit down or get on the phone. Always, while I’m on the phone. The sad thing about all of this is that you deserved to clean up the mess even though you wanted to hurt him. LOL. Your #1 comment said, you made him clean it up right? Well, truth be told, he tried for once to not make a mess and you told him to come in the house. Right? LOL! LOVE IT! Well, I love the fact it didn’t happen to me.