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Joy

It’s no secret why I started blogging. I’ve not exactly hid the fact that my almost five year old son dropped dead suddenly, leaving me adrift in the middle of an ocean of grief.

I started blogging at first, as a way to document my grief for my kids, so they would understand when they were adults why their mother is bat shit crazy.

But I quickly realized if I kept documenting my grief I was ignoring the light that was trying to shine through and lift me from the pain. So I swiftly shifted gears and switched my focus from examining my pain to reveling in the delights of life.

Cuz there is nothing more delightful than vaginal waxing gone wrong, nipple rings being ripped out and public nudity. Oh, the joys.

It’s all dildos and dead kids, and I’m cool with that, because that is my reality now, whether I want it or not. Welcome to my life.

(Feel free to run away screaming. I do it on a regular basis. Heh.)

I never actually started blogging as a ways of reaching out to others. But I won’t lie to you and tell you I wasn’t delighted to become part of this large, fluid community and find the support I was unable to find or feel in my real life.

These relationships, some deeper and truer than others, have done what time alone, couldn’t. They’ve helped heal my fractured soul and helped remind of the person I once was, the person I hoped to one day become once more.

Of course I realize I can no longer be the Tanis I was before Oct.21, 2005. She no longer exists. She was buried along side her son.

But I’m no longer the shell of the person I was, huddled in fetal position, staring at the sky and wondering if the pain will ever dissipate long enough for me to feel joy, to feel blessed.

Blogging has become a huge part of the Tanis of today. It has tested my boundaries, my creativity and some times, my intelligence.

The words I’ve read have amused me, educated me, enlightened me or even annoyed me. But what ever it was, it made me feel. I was no longer a numb carcass, pretending to go through the motions of life.

I have made some of the best friends of my life while hiding behind my computer screen. Friendships that will last the test of time and distance. Friendships that would never have been possible if it weren’t for Al Gore giving us the internet and a couple of geeks building a box known as a computer.

However, that said, I also have spent more time in front of my computer screen than pulling weeds in my garden, cleaning my house or running naked through the woods.

It’s hard to find a balance. I worry my kids will grow up remembering their mother’s image as nothing but the back of my head reflected in the soft glow of a computer screen, instead of my laughing smile aimed at them.

I also worry that my laptop will grow permanently attached to the tops of my thighs and I will have to waddle into the emergency room, pathetic and embarrassed and have to beg them to carve it off. Nothing more prominent to point out your internet geekiness like having a laptop welded to your legs.

Gives a whole new meaning to walking bow-legged.

Heh.

I blog now, for my amusement. To kill time while waiting for my family to expand. To whittle the hours away while I sit at home, watching my children argue over who has to wash the dishes and who gets to dry, waiting for my Boo’s return home to take his rightful place as ruler of this kingdom.

I keep blogging to reach out to the parents out there who are afraid of raising a handicapped child, or fearing the unknown of what the future holds for their kids. I blog to let parents know it is okay if the unthinkable happens, if one day they have to stand before a granite marker and weep.

They will survive. I did. It’s not always pretty, and it’s not easy, but it is possible.

Nothing is impossible.

Well, nothing except for the possibility of me becoming more famous than Dooce. Hell, it’s not impossible, it’s just highly unlikely.

I blog to remind myself and everyone who stumbles across my blog, there is nothing more important in life than love. To keep loving even when you feel you can’t. To always remember to find joy in your day. Whether it’s getting a nice email, a million blog hits or finding a five dollar bill crumpled in an old coat pocket. It’s all joy.

I want people to know to that sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and try not to stumble. But joy will find you. In the most unlikely places.

Like a little blog on the internet.

You, all of you, yes, even you Danny Evans, are my joy.

Thank you for that.

Public service announcement done for the day. Go forth and find joy. I know I am.


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Thanks y’all. I big bloggy love you.

This post is posted in Comedy, G-Rated, Gourmet Cheese on Friday, 1 August, 2008 at 10:34 am. Keep up with this conversation via RSS or Both comments and trackbacks are currently closed.

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