This weekend, the hubs and I had the pleasure of attending a dear friend’s wedding.
When I say pleasure, I mean I wobbled around in brand new killer heels until my feet were nothing more than shredded bloody stumps all the while trying to fight off my husband’s drunken amorous attempts to convince me to have sex in the coat room while every one else nibbled on wedding cake.
As he so thoughtfully pointed out in a slurred voice, it’ll get me off my feet at the very least. How does one resist such romantic thoughtfulness?
In general, I hate weddings. Not my own of course, but at my own wedding I was almost five months pregnant and my husband treated me like a fragile princess, catering to my every whim and desire while a hundred people paid homage to my beauty and the great love Boo and I share.
At other peoples wedding, I am just some schlepp tottering about in shoes no woman has any business wearing while trying to remember to make sure her skirt isn’t tucked into the back of her underwear after she goes to the bathroom.
My husband however, (bless him, he’s a romantic sap,) loves weddings. He says he loves them because it reminds him of our great romance and makes him appreciate how blessed he is to have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman in the world.
I think he loves weddings because he knows he looks great in a suit and he can spend his time freely flirting with other women while feeling them up on the dance floor. It’s a free pass to let his lecherous nature run rampant.
Either way, he’s always the romantic dynamo of our duo while I quietly bitch about my feet, the food and that one broad who is obviously gunning for my man. Husband stealin’ ho. Heh.
Because Boo and I have been married so long, we no longer feel the need to remain glued to one another’s side as we mingle. This gives him the freedom to talk smack about his wife to the boys and make googly eyes at all the pretty ladies while I generally hide in the washroom or by the bar.
Circumstance and happen chance led us to the same place at the same time, where the bride was taking a quiet minute alone from her guests, absorbing her special day and probably freaking the fack out about hitching herself to one man for the rest of her life.
(Okay, that is totally just my editorial opinion. But it’s my blog. Heh.)
The truth was, she was just then realizing she would no longer be the person she was the day before. Or at least, she would no longer carry the same name, the same identity. Now she was someone’s wife, where before she had only ever been a girlfriend and a daddy’s girl.
She was having trouble coming to terms with her new marital name. Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was a nice name. Nothing like Humpadick or such. It just wasn’t the name she held dear to her heart and wore like a comfortable pair of shoes her entire life.
Boo, being old fashioned and logical, (I hate that about him sometimes. Completely annoys me with his rationality,) was quick to hug his dear friend and told her she was still the same person and she would be quick to embrace her new name and her new identity. He explained that what she was feeling was normal and would pass and the greatest honor a woman could do for the man she loved was take his name.
The bride, glowing with radiant beauty already, perked up at this, smiled and looked at me and asked if I agreed. If I thought that was true.
(I have to tell you, in the milliseconds that she stood there looking at me, waiting for my response, I’d rather have been stripped naked, tied to the back of a horse and dragged through a field of thorny cacti.)
I blinked and felt blood rush to my cheeks as I gulped and avoided making eye contact with my husband.
“Um, I guess so, sure, why not,” I prattled on while hoping that someone, anyone would interrupt us and whisk me off to the dance floor. No such luck. Not another soul in sight. Because that’s the way life facking works. When you need a knight in shining armour they are all too busy getting plastered at the open bar to come and save you from awkward questions.
“How long did it take you to get used to having a new last name?” the bride innocently inquired as my husband stood there drilling holes into my head with his laser beam eyes.
“Uh, well you see,” I uncomfortably stammered, “I uh, never did change my name.”
“Oh.” The bride looked at Boo, waiting for his response.
Boo of course, took it as an invitation to jump on his soap box and lecture me before a captive audience, verbally lashing at me for years of prancing around with my maiden name.
“Like I said earlier, it is a true honor for a wife to take her husband’s name. It shows how much she loves him and blah blah blah.” I may have tuned him out having had this same lecture tossed at me for the duration of our eleven years of marriage.
The bride, being a graceful and sensitive soul, sensed my discomfort and offered to go refill my drink. I tried to go with her but Boo reached out and grabbed my arm, yanking me back to his side and almost tearing off my limb in the process.
“Ow,” I whined as I rubbed my arm.
“You once promised me you would change your name, Tanis. How long do I have to wait before that happens?”
I thought of being flip and snarky with him, but his big blue eyes stood looking at me, filled with curiosity and love and perhaps even a few flecks of disappointment. I decided to take another route. A more sincere route.
I stuck out my breasticles, batted my eyes and tried to look pathetic and torn. I hear men are suckers for that.
“I don’t know Boo. But I said I will, and I mean it. I just need more time to get used to the idea.”
He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Ya. Cuz eleven years is such a short time. Gimme a break.”
Sensing this could quickly boil over into a full fledged argument, I leaned closer and breathed into his ear, “I will give you a break. But how ’bout I give you something else right now instead? Something a little more personal.”
Boo is a smart man and knows when to shut up and smile. He smiled down at me and grinned.
And that’s when I led him (like a horny little puppy dog) to the bar, shoved a beer in his hand and told him to drink up. Hopefully I could get him drunk enough to forget the whole damn thing. And I did. Heh.
Until the next wedding we have to attend.
I freaking hate weddings.
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So peoples, chime in. Did you change your name? For my three male readers, did you expect your wives to change their name? I’ve decided to let the internets settle this argument and see who’s right or wrong.
Everyone knows everything you read on the interweb is true.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 18:43
Oh man, I can’t believe that “yes, you twit” already has 44% of the votes.
No to nane change (sorry fella). Who cares! Blech. Unless, of course, your maiden name is Humpadink…. well, even then though, you may like that.
Tanis Humpadink? Okay! I don’t know if one of your other commenters already said that, there was too freak’n many to read and check.
Stoopit popular bloogers. Not that I’m jealous, ’cause I’m, like, spiritual and shit.
I didn’t change my name (cause I’m cool). In fact… me and mine have been together coming up 12 years and we’re not even married. Yay sinnners! Woo hoo!
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 20:57
I agonized over this before we got married last year and actually still use my maiden name at work and my married name for personal stuff. I’ve found it to be a unique “gift” that women get to have multiple names. You can add your husband’s name to yours and still use whatever you want whenever you want.
I wrote all about it last year here.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 21:54
I changed mine, but I didn’t hold my maiden name to terribly dear and his last name is WAY cooler. Funniest part though… my married last name is the first name of my oldest son.
Shit you not.
How hillbilly is THAT?
Seriously though, it seemed important to him and his clannish family and I couldn’t have cared less. I figured he’s got my name tatted on him not once but twice before the wedding least I could do was take on a much cooler and much shorter last name on paper.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 22:13
I changes mine as my maiden name belonged to my birth father who as of now I haven’t seen in almost 20 years (no real strong attatchment to it as a result).
But seriously after 10 years of marriage I still love answering no I’m not THAT Jacquie Collins but I wish I had her bank account, if I had a dime for everytime I was asked I might have a good sized one LOL.
Saturday, 9 August, 2008 at 1:04
I’ve always hated my last name, so any opportunity to change it will be welcome, frankly. (My last name is a man’s first name, so it’s confusing and people rarely get it right.)
Saturday, 9 August, 2008 at 10:25
Never changed my name. Saw no need to, really. I have a difficult last name that took me years to work out the perfect way of how to spell it for people. But my husband also has an unusual, hard to spell name. Why trade one I was used to for another that I’d have to get used to spelling for everyone?
I still see no need to change. If people ask, I quickly point out that I kept my name. Problem solved.
Saturday, 9 August, 2008 at 11:12
I changed my name. I’m a sucker for tradition. Plus his last name is better.
Saturday, 9 August, 2008 at 15:59
I hyphenated my name as my maiden name was very meaningful to me and I had already started to use it professionally. (Not to mention that it’s a very short name, so easy to tack stuff onto) I also wanted to “honor” my husband, as it meant a lot to him. Professionally, a lot of people still just call me by my maiden name. On a personal basis I’m Mrs. L., a lot of the times. And legally, I’m “Ms. Hyphen.” I’m not picky, and everyone is happy.
Sunday, 10 August, 2008 at 13:06
I think my husband might have had second thoughts had I wanted to change my name. He’s like that. (As are his bros and the women they marry — his parents have three sons and all three wives kept their names.) We did consider making up our own combo last name, but they all sounded horrible.
We ended up BOTH switching middle names — mine is now his last name and his is now my last name. In fact, it was a bigger switch for him, losing a middle name than for me, since I had none. My mother, in her infinite 1964 wisdom reasoned that I didn’t need one, since I’d just get married, use my maiden name as a middle name and lose any middle she gave me.
For the kids we decided that boys would have his last name as their last name and mine as middle and girls the reverse. However, we only have boys, so that theory was never tested.
If everyone just chose the coolest last name or chose using some other criteria than male vs. female, I’d be more open to the whole thing. But we don’t and men get pouty when women don’t change their names. I admit that has an ick factor for me.
Sunday, 10 August, 2008 at 13:08
Since that last comment wasn’t long enough, thought I’d add that I don’t give a crap what people call me — I answer to Mrs. my last name and Mrs. my husband and sons’ last name and Ms. my name or whatever. No biggy at all on that.
Sunday, 10 August, 2008 at 13:35
I hated my maiden name… and the married name sounded better…
do you know that i’ve had this name for almost 11 years now (even though i divorced him 8 years ago) and my father still refers to me as Heather Moore. As does my brother?
But I will tell you this… when i get remarried, I will take the other man’s name, only because i don’t think it’s right to keep my ex-husband’s name… and so i PRAY that the man i marry has a good last name. Otherwise, I’m not sure I can marry him….
yes, i’m shallow.
Sunday, 10 August, 2008 at 23:29
I didn’t bother with the convention of marriage when I had my daughter, so she has my maiden name (and as my partner was not enamoured of his own name, he took on a totally different surname which is a whole nother subject).
Getting married in November and it is a twisting in the wind thought for me. V doesn’t care one way or the other what I do – as he has changed his name twice in his life (stepfather issues) and daughter is keeping the original.
Of course, if a child is created (very long shot on that one) it will be V’s last name, and I don’t want it to be a half’n'half…
If we hybridised our names, our new surname would be Bugless – which my daughter is quite keen on!
Monday, 11 August, 2008 at 7:36
I was actually thinking about this a few weeks or so ago, for no reason since marriage is a mere speck on the horizon–if that at all. I like my last name. It’s Italian, it’s comfortable, and it’s all thanks to my dad. If I had my mom’s maiden name, I’d like that, too. It’s Russian and comfortable.
My boyfriend’s last name is a nice last name. It wouldn’t be awkward, if I were to marry him and take his name. (This is, of course, completely hypothetical. The M word scares me.) It wouldn’t be too bad, but what if I missed my last name?
I thought about combining the two, like some people do. Courtney Cox-Arquette, for example. (Not sure if they’re even still married. I live in a hole when it comes to celebrities and plan on keeping it that way.) Lucky for Courtney, Cox-Arquette sounds okay. If I put that little dash between my and my boyfriend’s last names, it would sound lumpy and awkward.
A comment above got me thinking about hybridizing our names. ‘Barbell’ doesn’t sound cute at all, and though ‘Campone’ could work, I’d still miss my own name, dammit.
So, to make this long story short, I have no idea what you should do. I can’t even figure it out. I have to wonder if my boyfriend would be mad if he knew this. Not that we’re getting married anytime in the next hundred years.
Monday, 11 August, 2008 at 8:05
HA – love that getting him drunk was such a simple plan that WORKED. Dumb mens.
I did change my name after getting married, and I can’t say that I had any identity issues, either. I have a few good friends who did, but then, I’m not one to have problems with big b-days, either. I guess, in my mind, I wanted my entire family to have the same name – to have that solidarity with my hubs & my kids.
But you changing your name? That’s up to you…its a personal decision.
Monday, 11 August, 2008 at 15:48
Mrs Gunfighter didn’t change her name. Didn’t bother me a bit.
Tuesday, 12 August, 2008 at 18:28
Didn’t change my last name when I married last year, and though it apparently continues to be a bit of an issue for my husband (who, ironically, told me earlier today that he thinks the reason I kept my last name was because I care about my family more than I do about him, poor guy), I figure I’ve had my last name for 37 years and I’ve kind of grown attached to it. That, and I don’t have to pronounce it multiple times or correct how its spelled. I didn’t want to be a hyphenator, so the name stayed.
And don’t fall for that “tradition” talk (which my allegedly uber-traditional husband tried to bring into the mix (unsuccessfully, I might add…))–all traditions were new and alarming at one time.
Did we ever think this would be a bone of contention when we were playing “house” as kids???
Tuesday, 12 August, 2008 at 19:57
I kept my maiden name as a middle name. Worked for me.
Thursday, 14 August, 2008 at 15:21
I’m so glad to see that someone else has questions on this! I married later in life (33) and really struggled with the “losing” of my last name. It’s not that my hubby’s last name is horrible, however it is an amercianized version of an Italian name (Alesio) and ended up Alesia. So everyone thinks I’m one of those red necks with two FIRST names, and they always ask me “and what’s your LAST name” or “ALESIA is your LAST name?”
I love my hubby, and it was a big deal to him for me to take his name, so I did. But I’ll probably always mourn MY name, even if now after two years I’m comfortable with my new name, and resigned to explaining that “yes, Aleisa is my LAST name” and getting e-mails at work addressed “Dear Alesia”.
You’ve got to do what’s right for you and Boo….
Red Neck and Proud!
Thursday, 14 August, 2008 at 15:23
Did I mention that while I’ve already changed the SS card, the driver’s license is still in the “real” name???? LOL
BTW, LOVE your writing!
Red Neck and Proud!
Sunday, 17 August, 2008 at 23:27
i really like your blogs, ive never really understood what bloggin was before. have you ever thought of a highfenated name?
my mom just got married a year ago and wanted to keep her maiden name but still satisfy her husband so she highfenated it.
Sunday, 24 August, 2008 at 7:29
I didn’t change my name. It didn’t seem necessary or worth the hassle. I don’t feel I need the same last name as my kids, and there just weren’t any other reasons that seemed compelling enough.
My parents and in-laws address all our mail to the ‘hislastnames’, though, or to myfirstname-hislastname. So I make sure any mail I sent them has mylastname/hislastname in the return address slot. Just a little cage-rattling, I guess.
We’ve been married 16 years.
Sunday, 24 August, 2008 at 7:32
P.S.
I was 35 when I got married, so maybe that had something to do with it.