When I was 14 years old, I was tall, stringy-haired and a complete dork. My knees were so knobby that they’d rub against the fabric of my pants and start a fire while my ribs stuck out so far people constantly confused me for a starving African child.
Not to mention the boob situation. Or lack thereof. Oh ya. I was hot. And I knew it. I used to spend hours daydreaming about what I’d look like when my body finally caught up with my highly mature brain (heh) and I liked to imagine I’d be 5′10″, lithe, with breasts Pamela Anderson would covet.
Not to mention my face would finally grow into my nose, my chubby cheeks would slim out and my chin would firm up. The mental image of who I painted myself to look like was smoking hot. I was a vision. Every boy’s wet dream and every girl’s worst nightmare.
Sadly, my imagination was far more creative than my actual genes. But thankfully, my ‘highly mature brain’ caught up with my body and I grew to appreciate the body I was given and sentenced to life with.
So I’m no supermodel, as my big brother likes to frequently point out (jackass.) But I can live with the face reflected back at me in the mirror.
But when I was gestating small demons humans in my belly, I couldn’t help but wonder what my children would look like. Would my daughter reach that coveted height I had always hoped for, or would she stop short an inch and a half like I did?
Would she have big boobs like some of her chestically gifted relatives? Would she have my eyes? I didn’t really care what she looked like, as long as she took after her father’s side of the family. He has beautiful DNA. The women are stunning and the men are gorgeous.
I spent nine months envisioning the beauty I was baking; nine months patting myself on the back for having the good sense to hop on board Boo and borrow his baby batter.
Then I squeezed her out.
She was angry, bald and fat. She looked like a Ukrainian Bubba who discovered there was no more sausage in the fridge to snack on. I couldn’t get over how different she looked in reality than in my head. I honestly didn’t recognize her.
If you had put ten baby girls in front of me, I guarantee you I wouldn’t have picked her. I’d have picked a prettier, smaller child. Not a squalling nine pound watermelon who was already half-grown.
Lucky for me, I didn’t have that choice. And even luckier, she grew into herself. She is a stunning beauty, who looks exactly like all the beautiful people on her father’s side and every day she grows more beautiful.
I can live with the fact she doesn’t look like me. She got something better in return. My superior intellect and my smart mouth. Heh.
After Fric was born I realized just how out to lunch my imagination really was and when Frac clawed his way out of my cooter 396 days later I wasn’t surprised by his size or his appearance.
I don’t waste my time worrying about what my children will grow up looking like. I can already see their grown-up selves in their smiles, in their faces.
I pity the boys who become ensnared in my daughter’s future beauty and I rue the day I have to play nice with the hordes of girls who start chasing after my son, who is an even prettier version of his father.
I also try to block out the mental image of what I’m going to look like in forty years. I don’t want to envision my boobs touching my knees or how the ole meat curtains will flap against the ankle bones. (That might have been an over-share. Heh.)
I used to wonder what Bug would look like when he reached manhood. When he died, I felt robbed. Robbed of his love, robbed of his time, robbed of his future. I was angry, no pissed, that I wouldn’t be able to watch him morph into adulthood with the same lack of grace that his siblings are.
I couldn’t predict when he was four what he would look like as a grown man and I felt cheated I would never find out. Would he be a big, hulking man or would he be slight and slim? Would he have wavy hair like his father or would it go poker straight with age?
I used to wonder what my boy would look like if he lived. I still wonder what he would have become, who he would have been, what he would have accomplished.
But thanks to a day spent surfing the net, I no longer wonder what he would look like as an adult. A gift was bestowed upon me. My oft pondered question was answered. The future Shale-man stared back at me.
and his future self
I’m not a stupid woman. I know when I’m looking at a gift horse in the mouth.
I know I made beautiful babies, but hot damn.
I knew my imagination couldn’t always be wrong.
44 Comments
I used to dream of being 5″10 too only my body decided to stop at the 5″ so console yourself you beat me lol.
OMG, that guy TOTALLY has Bug’s eyebrows.
Dude, the resemblance is uncanny.
Any man willing to rock the Pebbles ponytail and a couple of full sleeves is a man to admire and respect, I say.
And you? Hot like the sun! Or your Canadian temps. Whichever’s hotter right now.
Holy CRAP! Bug was going to be a hottie, do you think he would’ve dug old chicks? I hope your memories are always sweet.
Meat curtains!! Gotta remember that one.
How can you make me simultaneously laugh and cry?
You rip my heart out and make me laugh - all in the same post.
That was soooo sweet. Not where I thought it was going to go, but still sweet. I think he totally could have rocked the sleeves. And the bitchin ponytail!
I hope he continues to grow in your heart because you know he is always one step in front of you leading and lighting the way.
I also wonder what my kids will look like. I think Tess will look a lot like Catherine Zeta Jones, Noah will be a big man, and I don’t know about Tripp. I think he’s going to look fascinating though.
I’m glad you decided who Bug would have looked like. And that you decided on someone who’s so freaking hot!
And the old lady with the boobs? I so feel like her. Sigh…
http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com
You make me laugh and cry. And go ewwwwwwwwww
He would no doubt have had really bitchin’ tatts, too.
xo
My sister and I are 11 months to the day apart. Everyone thought we were twins.
Bug ROCKED that mantail!!! And the resemblance between you and Charlize Theron is uncanny… you guys are practically sisters.
Bwaaa haaa haaaaaa!
You know the first thing I thought of? You wouldn’t have the patience to cultivate that perfect beard.
MPS was talking to Boo last night about how he is going to have hair on his face and chest and boy bits one day. And he was all ‘Yeah you can have a beard or a moustache or whatever you want!’
So I took MPS out of the room and bashed some sense into him. Cause WHO would be the one trying to tackle a 6ft6 toddler trying to trim a freaking beard? Yeah, not him.
Bastard.
I love the smiting pic. Put us smiting together and no one would mess with us!
LMAO! Love it love it love it… as always.
I often wonder what the little imp will look like when she grows up. Will she be a classic beauty like her eighteen year old sister and will she retain the impish grin that everyone comments on and the curly hair which seems to be the envy of everyone I come across.
I don’t know…I do know that however she turns out, as long as she keeps rockin’ that smile and retains the impishness, she’ll be great. Besides, she’s already perfect.
As for me…I’m still waiting to grow the other 10 inches into my weight. Well…it COULD happen. Or not.
And WTF was Josh whatshisname thinking with that hair fountain?
I feel for ya, girl! I remember what it was like when The Spawn got into high school. The girls were gaga over him. And they called. At. All. Hours. And YOU’RE gonna get a double whammy. Yup, your turn’s comin’…
WOW, THAT’S SOME HAIR! whoops, see, so excited I was screaming, had nothing to do with hitting the caps-lock and now being too lazy to go back and fix it.
And “chestically gifted”? briliant. I was not, but I got the brains, so screw those relatives.
T.
No way. I am monster. really.
and I have met you and darling you SO KNOW what a smokin’ hottie you are so shut up already about your lack. sheesh. ‘Sides your meat curtains would be whipper snippers with those nasty chunks of metal you have in the tips.
And as to your find on the net as to the Bug’s future self. Yeah! Right ON!
I too suffered the horror of stringy hair, knobby knees, and no boobs. I still have all of those things, I have just learned to live with it. I also squeezed out a fat nine pound baby girl. I kinda thought she was going to be big seeing as how I could use my belly for a dinner tray (and did). At least you grew up to be pretty!
Oh, for heaven’s sake, you’re SO HOT, it’s ridiculous. Seriously, if I woke up looking remotely like you, I’d have sex with myself. (Well, OK, more than I do already - a girl has needs, no matter what she looks like.)
That looks like the coolest, most fun guy, and check out that ink!! Sweet!
Somehow, I didn’t picture the tattoos. But, sadly, I totally get the boobs on the door frame thingie.
I just hope my kids get my husband’s nose. My face definitely did NOT grow into my nose. I’d actually consider a nose job above a tummy tuck or boob job. But, on the bright side? I did manage to reach 5′10″. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, actually.
God - your posts are amazing. I’ve been following several blogs since the BlogHer conference and I have to say that yours is quickly rising to #1. You’re an amazing writer and storyteller and pull on heartstrings and tickle funny bones simultaneously.
And, I love your cartoons.
You rock!
I’m thinking quit whining… lol, I’m 5ft 1/2in, you have 8 inches on me!!!!! Gah… I grew up longing to reach 5ft5in. There is hope my girls will make it that far… they are already gaining on me!
Definitely see the similarities… that’s Your Bug all grown up. Maybe with a few less tats… unless you love tats… then more the power!
That comic…. funny crap.
Cheers!
Jamie
I can *completely* see the resemblance! Would have been a hottie… and I bet he’ll be rockin it like that while he watches over you a good 10 years or so from now… =)
And, HELLO? You are HOT, woman! And I’m rather particular! LOL
I can feel your worry about when Fric and Frac are in high school… the Munchkin is already a heartbreaker, and has been since about 6 months old! There’s just something about big, brown eyes and double dimples that apparently gets even the oldest of ladies swooning over him… *sigh* He’s only 2 1/2, and he becomes the Pied Piper of Pipsqueaks whenever we are out and about…
The funniest thing is that - he TOTALLY looks like me at the same age. So why in the hell was *I* picked on relentlessly while he reaps all the eyelash-batting reverance??
Ah, phooey.
*muah*
I am lucky that Melissa spit our little one out… and I already know who she will look like, because you can’t tell their baby pictures apart at any age so far.
You are smoking hot, don’t let your imagination fool you!
LMAO!!! So far the only thing my children have inherited from me is my smart ass mouth. LOL.
And that pic of you is so awesome. You know you’re a hottie. We all think so. You don’t need any air brushing either.
Hot damn indeed, I know your imagination isn’t wrong one lick.
Thank you for another beautiful post. Pierre in the UK but originally from Montreal
Imagination can be a blessing and a cruelty.
All of the preTzel boys were supposed to be girls. They even showed us Middle’s uterus. (Which was his stomach!) But, they came out sporting turtles (uncirc’d penis) and squalling like little dudes. Teen looks like Mr. which is hilarious because they aren’t biologically related but everyone says the same thing “Wierd. Teen looks like Mr. Wierd.” Yeah, wierder still is Teen’s middle name is Mr.’s first name and my dad’s first name. Heh.
Your post is poignant, loving, funny, and wistful all in one. (((Hugs))) to you T and my wishes that someday you’ll see your Bug and he’ll have a smile and look exactly as you wish him to look.
I am completley and totally in love with you. You had me totally sucked in and all weepy, I was like, wait… isn’t that the guy… oh. OH! AHAHAHAHAAAA! Jeezus you’re funny.
And like Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
You rule.
xo
b.
Oh, and p.s., because I don’t think I’ve said it yet, I’m so sorry.
You’re prettier then Charlize… in a whorish readneck kinda way.
What? Too harsh?
And Bug? He’s perfect no matter what.
Damn - had I not put “Readneck” it would have been so much more effective.
I demand more pics of hot chicks flipping off the camera!!!!!
I got to see 3 times what I would of looked like as a boy. I would of been much better off sad to say!
I look awesome as a Marine! HA HA HA
You do favor Charlize and not in the monster way, GOD no!
This was a great post..remember beauty comes from within and you have the whole package and the gift of writing.
Love visiting your site.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Ok, note to self.
DO NOT read this blog while sipping your beloved whiskey.
It WILL end up all over the monitor.
I tend to think that Bug-man would have a tat that read “MOM”.
growing up everyone told me i was the spittin image of ol punky brewster. that was ok as a kid seeing as how i was an uber tomboy and and least they’d stopped calling me a dude. however as a teenager, i was also a rail, and those boobs you talkin bout, never totally came my way- unlike my doppleganger soleil moon frye- hell she had a breast reduction- bitch. anyhow, when my daughter came out, i too was shocked. my guy’s got rockin blond hair, beautiful blue eyes… and my lily looked like she just came across the border- mexican that is. with a not right amount of black hair and a low, low hairline, i was seriously hating my dna. however all that mess went away and now she, and my son rock the platinum buisness. anyway, that’s my two cents- your blog rocks- i just discovered it a few weeks ago. after neglecting my kids for hours on end as i toured the archives- i decided you are more than a keeper! thanks for sharin the love…
Wow! That one had me up, had me down…Great stuff!!! I made it to 5′ 10″. I have a six yr. old who is up to my armpit already (WNBA??). But, as W w/ S said it; it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Think of all of the Petite departments and name me a store with a Tall dept. Being discoverd at the grocery store means somebody needs me to reach the generic Navy beans on the top shelf. You’re beautiful and, man, can you write!!!
I have read several of your posts and you have a way with words! jill jill bo bill has you as one of her favorites and now I see why!
Thanks for the giggle!
Sorry, it was amelia bedelia who had you as a favorite but afterall she and jill jill are sisters (no kidding) and both know funny when they see it!
I needed a good laugh today!
I have an outy belly button, so I… like to poke it alot.
And my biggest fear is that one morning Ill wake up and poke
my outy belly button only to find its my nipple.