**I have a soft spot in my heart for Danny Evans. His blog, Dad Gone Mad, was one of the few things that could momentarily make me forget I was a grieving mother struggling to cope with the pain of suddenly losing my child. Danny is partially responsible for why I started blogging. He inspired me. Plus, I knew I could do it better than him. Heh.**
I’m not sure if this is the first guest post I’ve ever written, but it’s definitely the first one I’ve ever written for a fucking redneck. A Canadian redneck. A Canadian redneck with children. A Canadian redneck with children, a filthy mind, and the distinction of having been the first person ever to have referenced her “boob rings” in an interview with CNN.
Larry King: “East Bumfuck Canada, hello.”
Tanis: “Hi, Larry. It’s an honour to be on your show – and that’s ‘honour’ with a U, as in ‘U wanna see my boob rings?’”
Larry King: (drops dead)
(Ed. Note: What’s up with the Canadians and their fucking U’s? It would be an honour for thouse of us whou speak English if you sunza bitches would learn houw to spell.)
Indeed, there’s a lot about Tanis (or is it Tanius) to tease, but my favorite is the fact that she’s one of the most misguided sports fans known to walk the earth. (That is, if you consider Canada part of earth.) See, Tanis The Boob Whisperer roots for the Edmontoun Oileurs. Are you hockey fan? If you’re still reading this, you must not be. Because anyone who knows jack squat about hockey is guffawing himself or herself into severe bladder-control peril right now. The Oileurs?! Can U be serious?
Here in the land of literacy and spell-check, we know Tanis’ team as the Oilers. Also as One of the Worst Teams in Hockey Right Now.
Larry King: “East Bumfuck Canada, hello.”
Tanis: “Hi, Larry. It’s an honour to be on your show. How ‘bout those Oilers!”
Larry King: (shits his pants, drops dead)
One of my closest friends, Dave The Ass-Spelunker, is Canadian as well. He grew up near Montreal, and despite the fact that he lives 10 minutes away from the Honda Center, home of the Anaheim Ducks (who are one year removed from The Stanley Cup), he still roots for his beloved Habs, who have probably forgotten what The Cup even looks like. But I give Dave at least a smidge of credit for finally seeing the light and moving his sorry ass-spelunking ass down to the U.S., where the cool people chill.
(As an aside, Dave The Ass-Spelunker’s name is derived from the fact that he is a gastroenterologist. Part of his job is to remove objects that the fine folks of Southern California “accidentally” shove up their asses in pursuit of the perfect prostate massage. Dave and I were out playing golf one afternoon, and after consuming at least a six-pack apiece I said this:
“Hey, Dave? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever pulled out of someone’s ass?”
Dave thought for a moment – or perhaps he just thought he was about to throw up – and then he said, “Uh, that would be an eight-inch black dildo.”
“Wow,” I said. “Eight inches! Was the patient’s name Tanis by any chance?”
Dave cited an annoying American law called HIPAA – which I believe to be an acronym for “Hey, It’s a Private Asshole, Asshole!” – as the reason why he couldn’t reveal the identity of the aforementioned bedildoed cornhole. But I think anyone who reads Tanis The Boob Whisperer’s site with even an iota of regularity knows the real truth.)
Larry King: “East Bumfuck Canada, hello.”
Tanis: “Hi, Larry. It’s an honour to be on your show. Guess what’s in my ass right now.”
Larry King: (spontaneously combusts)
40 Comments
why could i see that actually happening?
[Reply]
Absolutely great poust - I’ll be laughing all mourning.
Booub rings? I gotta read the rest of this bloug. I’ve been missing out.
Thanks for a great wakeup laugh - better then coffee.
[Reply]
I am going to be giggling over these images for hours and every time I see L.K. I’m gonna start giggling all over again.
Ye gads that was funny. or is it ‘humourous’ ?
[Reply]
OH NO YOU DIDN’T! Mocking us for using proper British spelling is akin to peeing in our Tim Horton’s coffees! The HUMANITY!
Seriously though, as a Canadian newly transplanted in the US, I’m clinging to my native spelling, even if it DOES make me look like a half-wit around here.
[Reply]
Oh for the love of God. I haven’t even had my coffee this morning and you’re making me laugh. Unforgivable really. Now I have to go check out YOUR OWN blog and see if your funny there too. Or if you’re just having fun with RM’s.
[Reply]
Um, wouldn’t that be “WEST bumfuck Canada”? You know, geograuphically.
[Reply]
I gotta start watching Larry! Ha!
[Reply]
LOL
Great touch by adding Larry King!
She would indeed be his one reason for spontaneously combustion.
Great job.
[Reply]
You said “bedildoed”. That’s fucking awesome!
[Reply]
I can’t stop laughing, and that’s saying something since I haven’t officially Woken Up yet. Brilliant!
[Reply]
“Bedildoed” has edged out all my other, less awesome favorite words, some of which included extraneous ‘u’s. “Boob rings” remains high on my list, though. Hilarious!
[Reply]
You are rough Danny Evans, ROUGH!
but all in good fun of course…
[Reply]
Have you never thought that just maybe Tanis & the rest of Canada & the U.K is actually spelling the words correctly and that it’s only the U.S that found the words were too difficult to spell correctly with the letter “u” so took it out?
(Don’t fret Tanis, I’ll stick up for you although with topics involving your boob rings you’re on your own!)
(no offence meant to the U.S it’s just my pitiful attempt at humour & btw I’d emigrate to your country in a heartbeat).
[Reply]
Good grief! I laughed, giggled and snorted all the way through this post. How hysterical! I’m on my way over to read this guy’s site now.
This was great!
[Reply]
Go Stars!
[Reply]
i have lived in this country for 11 years and the fucking “u” drives me batshit crazy. seriously. also? because i work for a publisher so i get yelled at a lot.
i have an ass spelunker doctor friend too. his stories are totally vomit-inducing. but wildly entertaining
[Reply]
My friend the ER nurse had to dig crack cocaine out of a man’s ass recently. I thought that might apply.
[Reply]
Danny’s first, and last, guest post for Redneck Mommy…and the first time I’ve ever squirted coffee out of my nose! I’m sending Danny the medical bill!
[Reply]
Thanks Danny. Really. There are just no words.
No nice ones anyway.
My 83 year old grandfather thanks you too. After reading this morning’s post he had a mild coronary.
Well played sir. Well played.
Vengeance will be mine.
Bwhahahaha
[Reply]
I think it’s quite interesting that the strangest thing he ever removed was simply a dildo. What about hamsters? Hrm??
[Reply]
Some funny shit goes on here and over at his place. I just recently discovered the two of you and have never laughed so hard. Thanks for making me laugh so hard I cry.I can’t wait to see how you get him back.I bet it is going to be sweet.
[Reply]
Hilarious Danny! You are the best….well besides RM!
[Reply]
Danny, Danny, Danny. Them’s fighting wourds. How dare thee mock the Oilers? They were really something 20 years ago (where I’m still living vicariously). Love me some Oilers. It’s a good thing there’s more to you than your tasteless taste in hockey teams. I just can’t quit you, Dad Gone Mad!
[Reply]
Larry King doesn’t even get out of bed for anything less than 10″.
[Reply]
It could be worse, Tanis could be rooting for the Maple Leafs, amirite?!
I mean, being a Leafs fan is like … suppose you were a Yankees fan but the Yankees never, ever won the World Series. That’s what it would be like.
[Reply]
Wiping away tears of laughter.
Danny, Danny, Danny…you should write a book.
Oh, yeah.
Never mind…
[Reply]
The Oilers?!!! The fucking Oilers!!! Oh no Tanis, don’t make me come over there and remove you from my RSS Reader. If you live in Alberta it’s the Flames all the way, baby! And if you once lived in Alberta, but now you’re a displaced Calgarian living with the hippies on the West Coast of BC….you’re still a Flames fan.
Calgary just built a new zoo, did you hear about it? Yeah, they put a big fence all the way around Edmonton.
(not really removing you from my RSS Reader)
(Jerome Iginla made me post this)
(great post Danny….you’re my favourite flavour of neighbour)
[Reply]
Yeah, it’s kinda weird to think about a Canadian being a redneck, I have to admit. Like, they have sun up there and everything?
[Reply]
Tanis I believe your blog has turned into a roast. Hurry home dear!
BWA HA HA HA
I promise I didn’t laugh…MUCH!!!
[Reply]
That’s the best definition of HIPAA ever.
[Reply]
Oh America, embrace the ‘u’. It’s a mighty little letter.
PS I’m not Canadian
[Reply]
Great post!
[Reply]
bahahahahahahahaahaha
[Reply]
You are too much — or is that two much (both of you.) Bossy adores Dad Gone Mad and Redneck Mommy.
[Reply]
Thanks for the laugh!
[Reply]
Yeah, being “bedildoed” is a real bitch. So I hear.
Tanis, I’m so jealous right now. The only time Danny’s commented on my site was to tell the whole world he jerks off with TWO hands. And if you ask me, that wasn’t so much a comment as it was an advertisement for his blog.
[Reply]
Screw you both. Go Blue Jackets!
[Reply]
I love dadgonemad!
[Reply]
Hey now, don’t ass rape the Oilers too much - we did good a couple years ago and made it to the finals after being the worst team to make the playoff season.
Ass-spelunker is my new favorite word - gonna have to use that and the new HIPAA definition at work tonight….
[Reply]
It’s not bad grammar, it’s called the King’s English, Canada is a British colony… and that being said, so are the United States of America
I can understand how confusing it must have been when our British Colony burned down your original White House, and how vengeful you must all still feel about the whole situation. Especially since our larger land mass country has always promoted the use of crazy ideas like grammar, proper hygiene and laws against incest.
:o)
all in good fun of course
[Reply]