I had great plans to torment my children this morning, the morning of the first day of school. I had the alarm clock set early so I could sneak into their bedrooms and delicately awaken them with an old air horn I found in the back of my husband’s shed while simultaneously singing Poison’s “Your Mama Don’t Dance” at the top of my lungs while perfecting the art of tossing my hair around.
I planned on actually cooking breakfast for them this morning instead of the usual of slapping two empty bowls, a box of Cheerios and a jug of milk in front of them. (And by actually cook I mean pour premade pancake batter out of a jug into the non-stick waffle iron. Maybe toss some bacon into the microwave. Maybe.)
I planned on chirping happily to them as I tossed a couple of slices of bologna into some bread for their lunches while they munched on the breakfast I so thoughtfully and meticulously made for them.
I had a series of Miss Molly Homemaker moments planned this morning before my children toddled off to school for yet another new and exciting year of public education and peer powered persecution.
My children, however, had other plans. Plans that included getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, creeping about the house silently like thieves and getting ready for school while I drooled out of the left side of my mouth on to my pillow and softly snored.
I woke up to the sound of the coffee beans being freshly ground for me and the clatter of a bowl being dropped into the sink. I blearily looked at the clock and noted no sane person should be up at such an unholy hour and cursed my demon spawn for being excited to go to school instead of behaving like normal kids and hiding under the covers until they are dragged from their beds kicking and screaming.
Apparently, two months of having me in their faces constantly inspires my children to want to go learn. Away from me. I’m choosing not to take this as a reflection upon my parenting, no matter what I may have over heard my daughter tell my son last night while they did the dishes.
While disappointed that my kids foiled my plans for morning amusement, I am nothing if not adaptable. Which just means I’ll wait until a morning they over-sleep to bust out the airhorn. Heh.
Unlike my children, I am not excited about the start of school. I rather enjoy having my children around at all times to fetch me a drink, cook me supper and take the clothes out of the dryer for me. Unless Nixon grows opposable thumbs on his front paws and learns to walk upright, it looks like my reign as Queen of the Coach Potatoes has come to a screeching halt for the next ten months.
Besides that, my daughter is entering junior high. Middle school. Seventh grade. This hardly seems possible to me. After all, it was just yesterday that I was in the seventh grade and desperately wishing for a pair of boobs to sprout on my chest. Or so it seems.
Now it’s my daughter’s turn and it’s freaking me right the fack out. She’s going to be twelve in less than 2 weeks and I’m only 32. I’m still a baby for crying out loud, no matter what the crows feet and wrinkles on my forehead say.
Junior high was the gateway to hell puberty for me. It’s where I had some of the best moments of my school years as well as some of the worst.
It has taken me most of my adult years to get over the wounds suffered during those formative years and I am not ready just yet to repeat the experience through my daughter.
Junior high was when I started wearing aqua green eyeliner and frosted pink lip stick. I back combed my hair and used more hairspray than any human being should ever spray during their entire lifetimes. I strutted about in acid washed jeans and over-sized neon tee shirts. I stuffed my bra.
Junior high meant boyfriends, tongue kissing and dances. It meant Friday night house parties at what ever kid’s house whose parents were dumb enough to leave them alone for the night.
Junior high meant doodling on scrap pieces of paper about the dark haired boy with green eyes who didn’t know I was alive. To this day I’m a sucker for dark hair and green eyes. Damn you, Jamie G. If only you had noticed my googly eyes on you back then, I’m sure my life would have turned out different. Heh.
Junior high is where I slowly started to unfold my wings to get ready to fly from my nest and explore the skies of the world. It’s where I got the first real glimpses of who I was to become before disappearing under the weight of my painfully self-aware and insecure self.
Scarier still is the fact that junior high was were I learned about sex. Not through our mandatory sexual ed classes and snickering while a room full of hormonal boys and girls made crude jokes and peeled a condom on banana. No, I learned the real truth about sex through gossip and furtive whispers and hidden notes that spoke of who let who into their pants or got drunk at a party and had sex in a bush.
Up until that precious moment in time, I never knew what anal sex was. I simply thought the butt was a one way door and not the gate way to the pleasure palace for some.
I do not want my daughter to know what anal sex is, people. Hell. I don’t want her to know any of this. I want her to be the sweet little girl who still struggles to tie her own shoe laces, not the young lady she’s blossoming into who can conjugate verbs into three languages, play two instruments and is wearing her first pair of leather loafers with a wedge heel out the door and into middle school hell.
When I was in junior high, my parents were invisible. I did my very best to pretend they didn’t exist.
Which is why I am determined to do my very best to remind my daughter that I do exist, that I won’t be rendered invisible and forgotten. No child of mine will ever be too cool to acknowledge my presence.
If that means chasing them down the driveway to get the requisite back to school shot while wearing nothing but a robe and slippers, then that’s what I will do to remind them I’m still here, loving them as they grow into themselves and away from me.
If that means making them turn around to pose while all the cool kids, their friends and even the bus driver wait while I immortalize this moment for posterity, so be it.
And if my robe happens to gape open and a boob falls out, blinding the eyes of all the children and teens on the bus and mortifying my spawn, then that is a price I am willing to pay to remind my children they can run, but they can never hide from me.
They will never escape from this mother’s love. Or, apparently, my boobs.
At least I made my daughter’s first morning to junior high memorable. One way or another.
86 Comments
My son started 7th grade weeks ago. It was huge for both of us let me tell you. Then he did the worse thing every, he turned 13. UGH a teenager. Heaven help me.
Hope the bus driver enjoyed your peep show.
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My 14 year old baby started high school last week. You should have seen him trying to ignore me in the sporting goods store while I tried to figure out which “athletic supporter” would fit him! Good times.
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It looks cold up there already! Coats? We’re sweating in Iowa.
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Who said they were allowed to grow up??
Ungrateful little brats.
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Coats? Crazy Canadian weather, it’s still summer down here!
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Hehe. That’ll teach them to do what you say anyway! For the rest of their school lives you can remind them that’ll you’ll flash a boob at every kid they know if they decide to ignore you.
Also… Your kids do dishes? Together? I WANT MY KIDS TO DO DISHES DAMN IT!
And oh yeah, I’m so moving to Canada, whether the kids and hubs come or not. It’s too freakin hot down here in South Carolina!
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Mine are in 11th and 2nd already. I am counting the days until I can be children “free” on most days, other days I just want them to still be in diapers and cuddly, not smart mouthy and demon spawn.
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Big Sis started junior high last week (Thursday) for some reason our country school picked two days before the long weekend. I will eventually post about it I hope……
I’m a step mom so I’m only 27 talk about feeling like a baby and ooold having a daughter in junior high!!!
Lets all hope your girl and mine are late bloomers!!
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Thank you for making me laugh Redneck Mommy. My daughter’s in first grade tomorrow. I don’t think I can take middle school. I’ll probably just hide her in the attic and give her a stack of books to read.
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First, let me commend you on your willingness to go the way of the pre-made pancake batter. Vive la Bisquik, baby!
I’ve spent the past two weeks getting in my 6th grader’s face, reminding him over and over again that, if necessary, he can talk to me. Anytime and about anything. He promises me he will, but he basically wants me to get out of his way so he can watch wrestling and field countless telephone calls from girls. GIRLS!!! I was a girl once. I’m not ready for the girls!
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Though I am already nervous just thinking about my kids making it to junior high, I am even more terrified of the thought of how much things have changed since I was there. They are growing up WAY too fast as it is and society is hurling them even faster! And puh-lease dear Lord NEVER let either one of my kids say ANAL SEX within my ear shot - even when they’re grown!!!
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My oldest started 4th grade this year. The grade I specifically remember as when I first used “bad” words. Totally freaks me out knowing it’s all downhill from here.
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This reminded me of my dark-haired, green-eyed crush…He was soooo…HAWT. Yeah, like HAWT! But I was in Gr.10 so it was way more mature than a middle school crush. ;o)
I have to go and slow down my heart rate now…feeling flushed…
(Some people read the paper…I read your blog now…I’ve been creeping around here for about a month…but I’m really cool. Really. I’ve been creeping in a very cool, not-at-all creepy way).
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That hair was rocking. And you’re right: junior high seems somehow old. For a kid.
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Your Girls are just determined to get more attention, aren’t they?! Hell, that’s probably the best day THAT bus driver’s had in a loooong time.
I still remember trying to figure out what a bj was in the middle school library. We decided that it was when you blew on a boy’s Thingie like a candle to make it do…. something. Ahhh, the innocence.
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For me it was always blonde hair and blue eyes. I still get weak in the knees.
My oldest starts preschool this year. I can’t even imagine middle school.
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My daughter started preschool this morning. I shed some tears. Luckily, before she left for school I did have her go fetch a Diet Pepsi for me.
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For the love of the bus driver… But this is yet another reason to home school your majesty!
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I had the exact same hair, only my bangs were longer and, therefore, higher. It was pretty awesome, I must say. I even shaved bars in my eyebrows.
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wow… there is a niche for bachelors in this world…
every time i read your blogg or better yet, you living your life vicariously through your kids… i have to thank all my past girlfriends and live-in’s for our diligence in not be coming a parent…sxchitte- i can barely take care of myself!!!
btw…redneck mom… seems your quite happy or proud of your chest…an admirable quality of females i must say…
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Love the flashback photos!
When my BubTar turns 12, I’ll be 30. Crazy.
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What a great post - flapping boob and all. I have to say, though, your junior high years sound MUCH better than mine. At least you had boys and kissing. No boy would kiss me with a ten-foot tongue. I was so damn ugly that my only sexual experiences were fondling my long, hard, hot…”Clicker” curling iron, powered by butane, for a mid-morning touch up on my mullet.
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Thankfully, I have quite a few years before either Mac or butters sets off down that road. But when they do, I fully intend to be on the curb in boxers and robe, gut hanging out, and waving as the bus peels away.
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I had to get our picture taken on our front porch EVERY year, from kindergarten all the way to first year of university. It was embarrassing at the time but I’m so glad I have them now. Just for the fact now I know what the trends were from the late 80’s to early 2000’s!
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I am so doing that tomorrow. Just to commemorate Thursday. At the train station while they shuffle on the train with 100+ kids and various other commuters. Awesome.
And girl, your kids grind you COFFEE? This morning I was greeted with a scowl and I hate you from the oldest devil spawn. Meh. Only 2 months until that particular brat is out of school for the year. For FOUR months. Yeah.
I am sending her to your place.
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May I just say, “Thank God school is back in session!!”
My “baby” started grade nine today. I was so happy I almost kicked his ass out the door.
My oldest started grade eleven. Whenever someone sees a picture of her they ask if I own a chastity belt and shot gun. Apparently, she’s gorgeous like her Mom.
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OK, # 1, I had the EXACT same bangs in middle school AND the HUGE glasses.
# 2. Let’s sign a petition to formulate a growth stunting elixir that will keep our daughters from EVER knowing about sex, anal anything and KISSING
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Coats??!! It was 90 degrees here today!
a little boob flash never hurt anyone lol
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That post rocked, you captured something very fleeting and precious.
Plus, I think you may have just become the MILF at your daughter’s middle school….cause you got the free-flapping boobs at the bus stop.
Way to make sure she NEVER gets invited to the cool parties, it’s all about strategy.
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You have a boob that can actually fall out of your robe?
And you call yourself flat-chested. HA!
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Oh honey, my 7th grade pictures are SO MUCH WORSE. I was about four years ahead of you, just in time for the spiked-hair-rat-tail phase.
Too bad you missed it.
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I’m really surprised that you worry about public nudity still, you’re so good at it, you should embrace it!
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You’re scaring the crap out of me. STOP! Granted, I’ve got 5 years ’til junior high, but still STOP!
Oh and I was rocking the Aqua Net and acid wash pretty fierce myself back in the day!
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My oldest was up at the crack of dawn too?? What is up with that?
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I also found out about sex in jr. high. It would tide me over until my wedding night.
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My daughter is eleven and starting middle school too! Back in my day, you didn’t start middle school until the seventh grade, but now you start in sixth. I wonder how she will handle being thrown into the hormonal mess that preteens are proven to be?! S-C-A-R-Y!!! I know how many things I learned in jr high that I really wasn’t ready for. I forget sometimes you are from Canada, until I see coats on those baby’s the first day of school. Oh how I wish my mom was still around to share these things with when they happen!
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For the record, I don’t think anyone wants your daughter to know about anal sex. You’re already crazy enough as it is.
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Hope she had a good first day.
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BWAHAHAHAHA!!! your kids will be the kids with the crazy boob mom until they leave for college, good job. and you have just become the subject of many a 12 year old boys wet dream, congrats on that too. were they at least bunny slippers? tell me they were bunny slippers!
p.s. i totally had kids for the purposes of future employees, (minus the paycheck of course), and i can’t wait for them to be big enough to open the fridge and reach the stove knobs to cook meh some aigs.
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I always tell my kids that they won’t ever be rid of me. I will hold their hands and kiss them forever and ever. They know if they deny me, I will make complete fools out of them, in public! I will kiss and shout I love you in front of every friend they have.
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You learned all THAT in Jr. High??!!
Note To self: Start looking for private, religious, military type, non-coed school for next year…
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My oldest started 5th grade this year, for me its the last year for her innocence..next year, whole new ballgame. And if she experiences anything I experienced in middle school…….well I am tempted to hold her back in 5th grade one more year.
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Yes, time certainly DOES fly by. It was just a couple of years ago that I was putting my babies on the bus. Now, they’re all grown up. It happened in a blink of an eye. I swear it did.
Now I just looked back at the pictures last night and reminisced.
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Oh man. I totally recognize that hair. My bangs measured 4 and a half inches tall at one time. My brother measured them just to see…lol. I also learned a few things in middle school I wish I had never learned. I didn’t have to learn about the period fairy until high school though. I just got lucky like that…hope your little girl doesn’t get to learn about the period fairy until later too…
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I used to have scary hair back then … still do sometimes. Ha!
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I’m embarrassed for your kids. Heh.
They’ll appreciate it when they’re older. Maybe.
Most likely they’ll never let you forget that you flashed their entire school bus.
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I can never get used to your school system, in the UK, middle school is years 4-7 and years 8-11 is high school or secondary school!
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At least they smiled for the camera.
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Tee-hee. Thanks for the chuckle. I am several years from being an embarrassment to my children as they are still toddlers but I know the day is coming. Sorry your morning surprise didn’t work out. Maybe when they least expect it - like say next week? LOL. Be sure to take video of their “What the f*&%” looks on their faces though.
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You should have hurled a moon at the bus just as they were leaving.
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Am I the only one who hasn’t seen your boobs, Tanis?! Glad to see it is an exciting event as they continue to get older. I just sent my little girl off to kindergarten this morning, and our heads are spinning!
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It’s all just so f*cking bittersweet.
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How I do remember the frosted-pink lipstick and how it used to turn me on! O, to be 13 again.
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School in Florida has been back in for 3 weeks (unless you count the 2 stupid days they cancelled school for rain) and I, too, miss the little slaves, I mean sweet darlings while they are gone.
Middle school is much worse now than it was when we were there. They’ll be learning a lot more than the word anal.
Encouraging, eh?
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I know an unemployed lesbian school bus driver….
She’ll be there next week to fill out an application.
I told her you’d make this an everyday event.
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Oh, yeah. If my children ever decide they’re embarrassed of their old pops, then I will really give them something to be embarrassed about.
Maybe when I’m old and crusty I’ll let my boob fall out of my robe, too.
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heyy thats mean to do that to your kids but it is awesome that you would think of doing that i will mention that to my mom thanks
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I feel your pain, Tanis.
Seems like just yesterday I was sobbing as I was dropping off my son at his first day of pre-school. He made me cry because he didn’t cry….off on his merry way….damn him!!
This year, I took him, or rather dropped him off a few blocks away from the school, to his first day of grade 12. I left sobbing…..damn him!!
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I think we might have gone to middle school together from what you described! My daughter started there yesterday and I am scared to death- everything you described and more took place during those 3 years… unfortunately, I was the one passing along all of the carnal knowledge to the other kids with my mouth like a sailor- I would NEVER let my 11yo daughter hang out with ME at her age… crossing my fingers that she won’t befriend any reincarnations of 11yo me and that it will be some time before she learns about anal anything!
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OH. NO. YOUR. BOOB. DID. NOT. DO. THAT.
HA!
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Well said, what a slice of nostalgia. And we all have those photobooth pictures with the poofy bangs, and those pictures of us at the school dance dressed as a scarecrow…oh wait, maybe that’s just you:)
Thanks for the laugh!
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How do these misadventures happen with your boobs all the time? I thought junior high was awesome, for the most part.
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OMG!!!!!!! I am mortified for all of you!!!!!! But laughing and peeing too!
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Well, I was going to say “COATS They’re wearing coats”. But a quick glimpse at the comments tells me I am not original.
But really. Coats.
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oh man tanis you crack me up….my eldest graduated from grade 12 in may…and i have one in grade 10.and one in 3….but my baby is still home till next year…and i’m pretty sure there will be lots of crying then…
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I feel like the dorky kid left out of the cool club. I mean, how have I never seen your boobs?
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at least the boys will like her. hahaha
seriously. i love this post. i will need much much much alcohol when my Emily starts junior high…because I KNOW. i know what junior high was like.
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Oh My God. We were 12 year old twins. I am dead serious. I’ll find a picture.
And, um, can your kids teach my kids how to make coffee? PLEASE???
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Love the post. You did NOT loose me as a reader.
our 11 year old just started middle school…and we have one in K, one in second, one in fourth, one in eighth and one in eleventh.
I love it cuz I can identify and get to ‘go back’ to those times…in my head.
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THANKS be to god that school started! I don’t like middle school age it is WAY too Weird. Why have I not seen your boobs?
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OMG… I think I just peed my pants. I think if my boobs did a cameo, the entire bus would be traumatized. The boys would run away and hate me forever and ever… Or all the other pre-pubescent boys would be begging to come home with them and help with their chores… LOL
Whew! Thank God my baby is just starting pre-schoo, giving me several more years to research proper breast restraint when waving goodbye to my babies in my bathrobe. *hug*
You crack me the eff up!
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Just came here from Jenny’s site to look for trolls…
Kidding! Love your blog. I’ll be coming back!
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My oldest just started jr. high and he’ll be twelve next month. I’m right there with you sweetie. Except for the robe. It’s too hot in SoCal for robes. I just wear my pajamas. Because I’m cool like that.
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Oh, you’re THAT mom that flashed the bus full of kids, I heard about you!!
Just kidding.
I’m 31 with an eleven year old. So I think we had babies around the same age. Way too early.
My son just started middle school, although he’s entering sixth grade. It’s a whole new ballgame.
Fun read, love the photos. I think I wore huge dorky glasses for a while too.
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Oh my Gosh, at 62 did you ever bring back bad memories…I hated school then and I hate it more for kids today…and if you think you had bad hair..I was raised in the country where we spent one dollar for our dresses and geek wasn’t even close to what we looked like..I wouldn’t even share a photo (too ugly) however, memory lane it was. My daughter is 42 and she said mom how can my youngest of seven kids be going to kindergarten…? How does life get away..who the hell knows. hang on while you can..
Great post…
Dorothy from grammology
http://www.grammology.com
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Lord - funny. Bossy had those same enormous glasses. In fact, if they repurposed all the glass that used to roam Bossy’s Middle School hallways, they could have provided windows for a skyscraper or three.
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Ah…junior high. The two scariest words in the English language.
You SO ROCKED that shark fin!!!
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Mine is grade six this year. I looooove reminding her with public hugs and kisses in the schoolyard that I am present and will always be on her trail.
Your boob did NOT fall out! NO WAY!
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OMG!!! LMAO!! I have to say I was glad to put my Dirt Faced Okie kids on the bus. And I made sure I kissed them on the street by the bus stop.
I had my boobs covered, though.
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You’re a crazy boob flashin’ redneck mama - and that’s why we love you!
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I can not wait until Frac is old enough to have her very own blog! LMAO! Tanis you are freakin’ crazy! ‘Ata girl! As for Fric, I got $20 bucks says he marries one just like you! LMAO!
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I hope to never escape your boobs. Ever.
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I’m so screwed. My 3 year old gives me crap about taking her picture on her first day of school, I’m scared for 7th grade!
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By the time I scrolled down all those fucking comments, I forgot what I was going to say. And it was damn good, too.
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Anal sex? Could she at least wait until College for this subject?
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*snort* LOVE the pics!!!
My one and only started 5th grade this year. This cannot be as I couldn’t possibly have a child that old–what with me being 29 and all. *fluffs my hair and tugs my drooping lovelies back in place*
Good memories.
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