This day, twelve years ago, I was exhausted, grouchy and felt like my nether regions had been shredded.
I had just spent eight long hours labouring to have a squalling infant claw her way to freedom from the warm cocoon of my uterus, and I was a tad pissed off all the child birthing classes I had attended neglected to mention how my va-jay-jay would feel after pushing out an eight pound, five ounce baby through a tiny hole.
Ten centimeters is not big enough to shove a bowling ball through, let alone a squirming infant with a head bigger than a cantaloupe.
No, those classes snookered me with the promise of unabounding love, wrinkle free babies and the sweet intoxicating smell of your newborn’s grace.
There was no mention of how when you finally pushed your sweet baby through your petunia you would look at said child and wonder who the hell she was because she looked nothing like what you imagined.
There was no mention of stitches and frozen maxi pads being shoved into your pants to cure the fire burning your cooter after hours of torture.
And there certainly was no mention of wondering if you were ever going to be able to poop again with out feeling sheer terror.
Oh, to be twenty again with a new born baby.
Fric was an unexpected child, the by-product of two young adults copulating every chance they could, their lust burning brighter than a comet soaring in the skies. Boo and I were young and in love and slaves to our rabid libidos.
We took precautions but never believed we would need to until one morning I woke up and thought “Oh Shit.” I didn’t say anything to Boo, but I went to the drug store down the block, picked up a pregnancy kit and locked myself into my tiny apartment bathroom, wondering how the hell to pee on a stick with out pissing all over my hand.
I didn’t need the test to tell me I was pregnant. I woke up that morning and I just knew. I needed the pregnancy test to tell me I was out of my ever loving mind, I was delusional, there was no way I could be pregnant. I was twenty. Far too young to be making babies.
Those sixty seconds while I waited for the chemical stick to give me peace of mind were some of the longest seconds of my life. When I saw the positive sign I tried to tell myself it was wrong, an impossibility, even as I made an emergency doctor appointment. Home pregnancy tests are always wrong, I told myself, as I spoke to the doctor’s receptionist.
Turns out those little home pregnancy tests are fairly accurate. Who knew? When the blood test results came back the next day and the nurse from the doctor’s office phoned to confirm the pregnancy and offer her congratulations, I stood there dumbfounded and amazed.
Holy shit. I was pregnant. I went out and bought a pack of smokes and tried to puff my way back to pre-pregnancy reality only to have to rush to the bathroom to toss my cookies. So began my descent into parenthood.
My pregnancy flew by, what with my constant puking, obsessive pizza eating, and my predilection for passing out in grocery stores.
Finally she was due to make her grand entrance. The day came and went and I was getting crankier with every hour. I was ready to reach in and pull her out by her ankles. She wasn’t even born yet and here she was already disobeying my wishes.
I waited and paced the days away and finally, after trying to climb a fence and landing on my ass, I went into labour. Nothing like falling five feet onto your butt to convince your overdue child to finally get the hell out of your womb. She must have thought she’d have a better chance at not being knocked about on the outside than on the inside.
Finally, after a hellish ride to the hospital where my husband ran over and sacrificed a porcupine to ensure I didn’t give birth to our child on some back country road, (a ride where I repeatedly threatened to rip off his testicles and shove them down his throat if he didn’t drive faster), I gave birth to our first child.
A girl. My Fric.
She was everything I didn’t imagine. Short, fat and round. She was perfect and I couldn’t believe she was mine.
Seriously. It was one thing to be pregnant, quite another to be someone’s mother. When the nurse wheeled her into my room, after being examined and bathed, I remember feeling overwhelmed and wondering what the hell to do with her.
I had read so many pregnancy books and was so focused on the pregnancy I never gave much thought to what I would do with an actual baby. It’s not like I could give her back. She started to cry and I immediately burst into tears, overwhelmed with uncertainty. There was no freaking way I could parent this child. This fat baby who looked nothing like the perfect little Gerber babies in magazines. My baby looked more like an angry Ukranian bubba. What the hell was I thinking?
I waddled over to her bassinet, tears steaming down my face as I watched her scrunch her face up and yell at the world and never felt more alone or panicked in my life.
Then I picked her up and shushed her. She immediately fell quiet. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. She knew me. She needed me. I was buoyed with courage and hope.
That lasted until she started to shred my boob with her angry beaver impression.
It was a rough start to motherhood. It was nothing at all like what I saw in movies and read in books. There were no rainbows and unicorns shooting out my arse. Just bloodied nipples and a badly bruised bottom.
Yet I wouldn’t change any of it. (Well, okay. I would totally change the battered boobs if I could.) Fric was my first ticket onto the train of parenthood and she was the reason I knew I wanted more children.
She is my firstborn, my daughter and my heart and soul.
And if I woke up this morning, freaking out a little that she’s now TWELVE, and feeling a bit out of my element with the preteen years staring me in the face, I just need to remember that moment when I picked up my fat little Ukranian bubba and held her close to my heart.
She wrapped her little fingers around my finger and my heart in that moment, giving me strength and courage with her unadulterated love.
It’s that same love which will carry me through her love of boy bands, blue eye shadow and bad attitudes. She may not have such little fingers any more, but they are still firmly holding my heart in her hands.
Happy Birthday Fric. Thanks for finally vacating my womb to fill my heart.
I love you.
81 Comments
Happy Birthday Fric!!
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All pregnant women should read this. Especially first-timers. It’s the most honest thing I’ve read about giving birth. I’ve done it 3 times, by the way. I was just as shocked the first time, and even the second.
I’m wondering when Fric will bless us with her presence again? I enjoyed her writing!
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Oh yeah! Happy Birthday Fric!!
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Very beautiful - and all so true!
I had to comment that your part about Fric attacking your nipples and doing her best beaver impression actually made me laugh out loud…I’m laughing again thinking about it! That IS what it’s like! Too funny!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIC !!!!
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AAAWWWW. That is so sweet!!
Happy Birthday, Fric!! May you never do the angry beaver impression again…hehe.
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Your little girl is beautiful hope her birthday is a good one.
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That damn near brought me to tears! such a wonderful & totally accurate description of a woman’s first child!
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Awww, sniff.
And also, thanks a whole lot for trying to dislodge the denial I have set firmly in place about the parasite I am currently gestating.
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happy birthday fric. please don’t freak your mother out with your pre-teen angst issues.
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AWWWW! Happy birthday, Fric. Thanks for making her a momma, so we could have her, too.
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That was sweet….I think… not sure I liked the visual of Boo’s balls being ripped off and shoved down his throat…
Great post. Happy B-Day Fric!!!!!
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Awwww, that was so sweet! And yet so true at the same time. I was the same exact way with my first at the tender age of 18 and NO woman warning me about the “rest” of birthing babies! A friend of mine who just recently had her first stood (@8 1/2 months pregnant) almost in tears as I told her that in fact it DID hurt, MORE than anything in the world, and it would STILL hurt for a while after. I wish someone would have let me in on the scoop instead of being blissfully blinded by all those damn Gerber commercials! Crowning = Ring Of Fire (ALL the fires of every hell in the entire universe).
Happy Birthday Fric!
(And God bless your mama for having an almost teenager!)
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My gosh, she favours you!
(And that’s a good thing, too!)
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Any spawn of yours must be pretty awesome. Happy birthday!
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Happy birthday, Fric! Now take it easy on your mom.
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Happy Birthday Fric!
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Happy Birthday, Fric. You are beautiful, just like your mother.
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You are an evil woman for making me cry.
Happy birthday, Fric! Have a wonderful celebration.
I will now go and hug my own firstborn, who’s sick and home from school.
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Happy Birthday Fric!!
And great story-telling, as always, T.
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BLue eye shadow, face glitter and drugs…That is what I am dealing with as my kids grow. I have an almost 12 year old too and a 13, a 16 and a 9 I’m haivng problems with the 9y/o growing up.
Happy Birthday to her
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Happy 12th birthday Fric!!!
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Truthyness..you speaks it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIC!
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Happy birthday to your beautiful girl! If she wants to borrow my Jonas Brothers cds, just say the word!
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Imagine the feeling of an 11 lb. baby through same said tiny hole. Yeah, that would me my toddler-baby.
Happiest of Days, Fric!
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I have been lurking for a few months,but this time I have to comment and say what a lovely description this was. Congratulations to you and a happy birthday to Fric.
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Happy Birthday Fric!!!!!!!!!!!
“There was no mention of stitches and frozen maxi pads being shoved into your pants to cure the fire burning your cooter after hours of torture.”
That made me LOL, don’t know why but it did. Must be the memories of the frozen maxi pads I had the pleasure of soothing myself with x3.
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Happy Birthday Fric!
One of the only times in my life I have forgiven someone for giving me so much pain and let them remain off my shit list for life!
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Happy 12th birthday to Fric and your va-jay-jay. May they both give you no trouble as they enter their teen years!
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happy birthday, fric.
and … uh … tanis? good luck with that preteen/tween/teen thing. from my lofty position as mother of a 14-year-old girl (14 going on 25), let me just say: it’s wild and bumpy ride.
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Happy freaking birthday, Fric!!!!!!!
You look so much like your mom. (That? Is a damn good thing, btw)
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Holy, Hell does she look like a mini-me or what ? well not mini me…but uh mini you…well you get the point
Happy B’day Fric.
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Happy Birthday, Fric!!!
This SO reminds me of when The Spawn was born, all 10 pounds of him. And NOBODY told me about frozen maxi-pads, either! WHY did I have to wait 22 years to find out about the frozen maxi-pads???
I feel abused and left out.
And no, I didn’t have a c-section. So there was much shredding and a total lack of frozen maxis.
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Happy Birthday, sweet girl! Reminded me all too well of my Ben and the damage he did to my delicate girl bits.
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Happy birthday!!
For the record, I’ve had two kids and neither hurt.
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Man, I cry over your blog a lot.
*sniffles(
This was adorable and lovely. My vagina twinged with the memory as well. Ugh. I’m due with boy #2 in about two months and I’m looking forward to a lot of things I remember–frozen maxi pads NOT being one of them.
No one tells you about the crippling uterine cramps that jump start every time your baby latches. It’s like nature is kicking you in the balls for feeding your kid.
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Happy Birthday Fric!!! Tell your mama you wanna guest post again!!!
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That was so nice, it was like you were giving us a birthday present, too. Happy birthday, Fric.
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She’s beautiful. You are in soooooooo much trouble in the years to come.
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Ohh yeah.. i have nine kids and nope never once wished to have them. So happy you guys bit the apple
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Holy cow… how much does she look like you??? Amazing… and very beautiful. Hope here Mama is feeling better after her rough adoption ride - hang in there, we think you’re a great Mum!!!
BB
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Thank God, I never had a vaginal birth. I think I need ice from just reading that.
Happy Birthday, pretty girl, ur, young lady, ur…just be kind to your mama.
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She’s gorgeous! Looks just like you. Happy Birthday!
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Happy Birthday!!
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oh my…i’ll never be sad again thinking about having a c-section…mourning the fact that i never “got to experience” a vaginal delivery….wow!
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That was perfect, a wonderful tribute to a much loved daughter. I hope she had a great time celebrating her day.
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One word - Q-T-PIE!!! Happy Birthday~
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Happy Birthday to your beloved Fric!
I bet she loves you just as much as you obviously adore her
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I hope you had a great birthday, Fric.
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Happy Birthday!!!
Thanks for the trip down memory lane redneck. I’ve got my legs crossed here.
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what a GREAT, great post.
happy birthday Fric! my gosh, she’s GORGEOUS!
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*sniffle* Happy birthday, Fric.
And seriously, I never understand how young moms do it, because babies are overwhelming in the perfect circumstances. Hell, I’m a bit overwhelmed right now, and i’m 35, have degrees and a job, a house and resources! It must be the cobination of the sheer balls of the very young and the fact that you just don’t need sleep the same way in those years…
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Happy nether-shredding, boob-destroying, soul-buoying anniversary.
And happy birthday, Fric.
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Happy Birthday Fric - and thankyou for saying that its ok to be overwhelemed so many new mums feel that and because they feel that it is wrong to feel that way they panic and start to develop PND. so um its great to see an amzing mom saying you know what i felt that too and look at me!
E xx
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Happy Birthday to your darling Fric. She’s gorgeous.
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A fine tribute that walks the line. Walking the line is hard.
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nice jobs… (the child and the writing)
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although, after the first few paragraphs, i am sooo glad i am a guy…we get all the pleasure of the un-daunting work of fertilization, parent hood. and none of the work of the inevitable process of delivery, re-distribution of internal organs due to carrying around the child, labour pains, stiches, and cold pads, reading books…yes, people, some of us were not made to be parents…me…so far..
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That photo of her is adorable. Happy Birthday to her!!
Your re-living her birth was hilarious. I loved the expressions “angry Ukranian bubba” and “no rainbows and unicorns shooting out my ass.” You’re killin’ me. hehe
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It’s amazing how they manage to wrap themselves around our hearts. I watched my son at the gym yesterday. He’s a grown man, 6′3″ 200lbs and yet to me he’s still my baby boy, my miracle.
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Happy Birthday Fric!
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You *DO* have a porcupine story too, just like you said! Awesome.
Here’s my favorite line:
“That lasted until she started to shred my boob with her angry beaver impression.”
Ohhh, the memories that brings back.
Happy Birthday, Fric!
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I love that. Very sweet, in *your* way.
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She’s beautiful, really, isn’t she? Congrats, Mommy. Sometimes I think their birthdays mean more to us than they do to them.
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she is so beautiful - just like Mommy
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Beautiful post for a beautiful girl - happy birthday Fric!
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sniff.
Happy Birthday to that beautiful Ukranian Baby of yours! Our babies are growing up! Too fast!
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Beautiful. Love the birth stories. And the green paper crown photo is priceless.
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yay the tween years! YAY!
Dear god woman she reminds me of you.
Happy birthday beautiful girl.
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She’s the perfect combination of the two of you. You’re in so much trouble.
Happy Birthday, Fric!
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OMG I thought I was the only person who passed out in stores when pregnant \o/ Fric is beautiful
Happy Birthday to Fric!
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she is as beautiful as her mummy.
So are you giving her this post as a birthday gift? I am thinking of giving it to Moo for her birthday to say ’see? Birthing babies freaking hurts keep your legs together’
Happy Birthday Fric.
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z dnem narodzhennia!
(Pardon the Roman letters, but my computer won’t type with the Cyrillic alphabet.)
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Happy Birthday Fric!!
What a beautiful girl you are, you absolutely radiate don’t ever lose that.
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Happy Birthday Fric. The Champ missed you by one day.
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Awwww.
Happy Birthday, kid!
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Happy Birthday Fric! You’re a beautiful girl and I know exactly how your momma felt when I had my firstborn!
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Great post! I really enjoyed it.
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omg tanis you scare me… think i’ll wait with having kids another ten years. thanks
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As a first time pregnant chick (at 41 yrs of age!), I must advocate your entry as a “Must Read” for all pregnant women! I post on a website called TLOL under the guise of “professorchaos” (in addition to my own humble blogspot) - and I hope you don’t mind, but I posted a link to your entry, encouraging all the ladies to read it!
I follow your blog and I just LOVE your writing style! Your humor is wonderful - you’re great!!!
Thanks for making my day with this entry!
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Hey there,
First of all, I know you don’t know me and well I don’t know you neither personally but I have been reading your stories and well was sent via by Peyton’s page. I have been on here several times just as never really signed the guestbook. I don’t never know what to say. I would like to let you know that if I was chosen for the digital camera that I would end up taking lots of pictures of my son. He has changed so much over the years and well I just can afford one at this time. My son has been sick and we have done our fair share of being inthe hospital. My son was diaginosed with a brain tuomor at the age of 3 and to later find out that they were wrong. But unfortunately that does not explain why he suffers severely from his headaches. So he has to be admitted for scans and tests every 3 months and well I am a single mother and this is just difficult for me so I am trying to do my best and want to capture every moment that I can so I use disposiable cameras at this time. But hey you do what you can right.
Your humor really knows how to bring out the best when I am down. So again thank you for all you do and say.
Kathy
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