There was this boy in seventh grade who made my life a living hell. His name was Kris and he had flaming red hair. He was tall for his age and on the fringe with all the cool kids. I was decidedly no where near that social status with my over-achieving scholastic ways and determination to be the star of every sports team imaginable.
I was a junior high geek. The only way I could have fallen any further into the pits of geekdom was if our school had had an A-V club and I was the club president. Luckily for me, we were a poor school. It saved me from having rocks tossed at my head on a frequent basis.
Kris was a likeable kid, the class clown. He had ADD and couldn’t sit still and drove all the teachers nuts with his constant wise-cracking and fidgeting. So they did what any good teacher would do. They sat him beside me, the class brown-noser, in hopes my goody two shoes behaviour would rub off on him.
It didn’t.
He took every opportunity to make fun of me, pull my proverbial pig-tails and make me the butt of his jokes. I was skinny-minny Miller, the girl who was flat as a board and never been nailed. In art class he made a collage dedicated to me, titling it ‘The Carpenter’s Dream.’
How I hated him. I would see him and cringe and pray every day he would fall ill to some mysterious disease and have to drop out of school thereby never having to sit beside me and needle me with his jabs through out the day.
Yet, there were a few moments, generally when no one else was around, when he was completely different. He was sweet to me and thoughtful and almost apologetic for his incessant public torture. It made him almost likeable. Almost.
For three years I was stuck with this boy, the boy who made me the laughing stock of our class on more times than I could ever keep count. On the last day of juniour high, we stood together, alone at the bus stop waiting for the bus that would forever drive us out of pubescent hell and towards greater adventures of high school that waited for us.
He was moving to England and I was heading to a new school, a huge high school where no one knew who I was, no one would know I still didn’t have a real boyfriend or didn’t need to wear a bra. I was glad to be rid of Kris.
Standing at the bus stop, he looked over at me and said “Hey.” I nodded hello towards him and looked at my feet, holding my breath not knowing if he was going to cut me down verbally or be nice to me. Which ever way it went, I knew it wouldn’t matter because after this moment in time I would never see him again.
“Tanis, I just want to apologize to you for all the teasing I did to you in school,” he said in his deepening man voice.
I just grunted.
“I want you to know, I really like you. I’ve enjoyed sitting next to you for the last three years. I wish we were better friends.” I looked at him like he had just grown horns out of his head and stood there tongue-tied. “I only teased you because I had a crush on you.”
Then the bus pulled up and the doors swung open. He stepped onto the bus, turned around and smiled at me and said, “I teased you to get your attention.” Then he turned around, headed towards the back of the bus where his friends were waiting for him and I never spoke or saw him again in my life.
At the time I was annoyed. I could have thought of a dozen different ways he could have shown his affection for me, none of them which included stealing the training bra from my gym locker and hanging it up on the back of our class door and decreeing it our new school mascot.
But I’ve grown older and wiser and I look back on the memory of that redheaded boy who loved his comic books and I see what I was blinded to in the midst of my youth.
Kris loved me. He was just a jackass about it.
Fast forward to this summer.
I met a man. This man found my blog through some happy clicking from one link to the next and landed on my site. The flaming redhead in a bikini caught his attention and my words intrigued him. Men like it when I talk about my boobs.
He started dropping witty comments and soon I was wondering who the hell this guy was that teased me so on my blog. So I went to his site and started reading his words, getting to know the man behind the blog name and a friendship was formed.
From dropping comments on each others blogs, to eventually striking up an email relationship, we talked. We amused one another. My husband delighted in the verbal smackdown this man would unerringly deliver and I would just shake my head and wonder if I managed to find yet another Kris in my life.
Except I am no longer the knobby kneed, flat chested, insecure teen I once was. And I no longer take offense when a boy tugs at my pig-tails to catch my attention. I’m the Redneck Mommy, confident and secure in who Tanis really is.
So if my internet friend, this man, wants to publicly flick my nose and snap my training bra in a desperate bid for a sliver of my attention, I’ll roll with it. I’m an easy-going gal like that. Tease me all you like, it will just roll off my back like water on a duck’s feather.
But be wary when you tease me. Especially if you decide to take that teasing public and onto the streets of the blogosphere, with my community of internet friends and readers watching, reading and taking pleasure in my public humiliation.
Have fun at my expense on the twitter boards. Tease me about my beloved Edmonton Oilers. Go ahead and write a birthday post where you try and convince the world I’m forty freaking years old instead of the youthful 33 I really am.
I’m a big girl. (About 25 pounds bigger than I’d like to be, but still.) I can take it.
Just know that if you mess with the bull, you are going to get the horn.
And in this case, Shawn, I am bigger than you. I have a bigger, better blog than yours. My stories are funnier and more touching than the drivel you peck out. How do I know this? Oh, my site meter tells me so. The sheer number of readers who lovingly come back daily to read my words let me know this.
(Thank GAWD for each and every one of you. Smooches.)
You see, I am no longer the little girl who trembles in her school desk, fearing the boy who tugs at my pig-tails.
I am now a blogger, with a community of friends and loyal readers, all of whom have my back. So when you mess with me, they sit up and take notice. They aren’t about to let you use my training bra as your class mascot.
They may even invent a catchy nickname for you, just for my very own amusement.
Don’t worry dude, I know that you are just nipping at my heels like a small puppy because you can’t resist me. I am rather irresistable. Wink.
(Apparently, I am also a raging ego maniac. Sigh. Tongue in cheek people, tongue in cheek.)
But know that if you tug my pony tails to catch my attention, I’ll tug back. Harder. Because my big brother trained me how to fight dirty.
So cowboy up partner, the game is ON.
Everybody, I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Backpacking Dad. A stay-at-home dad, a philosopher and a man who likes to think he’s funnier than he really is.
Otherwise known as Gay Ray.
Your friends love you, Shawn. Some more than others.
Wink.
*Big thanks to Gaming With Baby for putting together that lovely photograph. I bloggy heart you, Will.*
74 Comments
OMG!! That is freakin hilarious!! I love it. Now that’s what I call a smackdown. What do you have to say to that, Backpacking Dad?
[Reply]
Love it!!!
Note to self: never start a taunting war with Tanis, she will always win.
[Reply]
Well you know what they say,
Hell hath NO Fury!
Tanis, you just made my day - girlfriend!
LMAO
~Rachel
[Reply]
“My one great talent lies in making
those who wrong me suffer horribly.” -Archilochus
Anytime T.
Signed which much love,
your affectionate pitbull (sans lipstick)
[Reply]
Funny enough, I can quit this.
[Reply]
Nailed it!
[Reply]
I think I love you Redneck Mommy.
[Reply]
Such brilliance. Sigh.
[Reply]
So maybe roasting you wasn’t such a good idea?
[Reply]
bwhahahahahhahahaha that photo chop rulz!
[Reply]
Oh this is gonna be fun to watch.. game on!
[Reply]
Dude, I said after I read your post and her’s that she was not done by a longshot, and well, Redhead has effectively placed a poker up your rear, and toasted you like a big ole gay marshmello.
These are better than nay network show….
[Reply]
Genius.
I wonder if Ray knows how to quit him.
[Reply]
oh I love it!! I am now going to be a regular of Redneck Mommy to see how this game goes
[Reply]
Ha! Revenge is so delicious when it’s this good
Genius!
[Reply]
That was hilarious!!! I will remember to never tease you
[Reply]
Yeah, aren’t you both married? Good thing he’s gay, because otherwise I’d have to admit that I thought things were getting a little inappropriate.
[Reply]
Ok, first…
No…let me just skip to 49th: You are too cute when you’re tweaked :}
And Will is only hanging out with you to get to me. He wishes desperately that he could be Ray in that photo. In fact, I’d put money down that he has a copy of that pic on his computer where he has ALREADY put his picture there.
And to anna: yes, we are both married. But she’s Canadian, I’m Canadian…and I think polygamy is legal in Canada, right alongside pot and gay marriage. So, since I’m also clearly GAY (or so Will wishes in his big ol’ heart) and Tanis has the sense of humour of a frat boy it is perfectly appropriate :}
[Reply]
Omg, I am dying!! That picture is just soooo him!! I will be back more often to see how this all pans, out. I love reading your blog, you never cease to make me laugh!!
[Reply]
I swear I love reading your blog….I don’t know what I would do all day if It was not for reading the likes of you and backpacking dad…
oh yeah..I work from home..I would probably accomplish more
[Reply]
lady,i will never piss you off….loved it
[Reply]
You Go Girl! Your way too funny.
[Reply]
Watch it, guy, she’s gonna bring it the Canadian mafia, go all crazy on you with their hockey sticks.
[Reply]
You said that this revenge was hilarious but OH MY DEAR GOD ABOVE!
I AM EFFING DYING HERE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I love you. And Gay Ray, my fabulous cousin. (I always knew he was WAY too good looking to be straight.) Ha!
[Reply]
You said that this revenge was hilarious but OH MY DEAR GOD ABOVE!
I AM EFFING DYING HERE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I love you. And Gay Ray, my fabulous cousin. (I always knew he was WAY too good looking to be straight.) Ha!
(I wish I knew how to quit you.)
[Reply]
That was awesome! I just stumbled across your website and had to say that that story was great. I’ll definitely be back for more.
[Reply]
I will gladly be your pawn in this power struggle. Whatever you want.
[Reply]
I’m only mildly disappointed to discover that Kris was not the guy who found your blog, and that you didn’t renew old acquaintances and become fast friends.
I look forward to reading more blog wars between you and BPD!
[Reply]
Bwah hah hah ha ha ha! Love it.
[Reply]
Hilarious!! Best laugh I’ve had all week : )!!!!!
[Reply]
Game Set Match.
[Reply]
I guess I miss all the good stuff not being on Twitter.But being able to come here and catch up on it is way fun.I can’t wait to see what happens next.I guess I will have to travel over to Gay Ray’s blog to see his response.
[Reply]
Burn!
Someone got served. Hope you like wearing your ass for a hat!
Indeed, revenge is a dish best served cold, sometimes eaten right put of the little white box just taken out of the Fridge of Unfinished Business.
Madam T., if I need some advice on just desserts, please allow me to ring you up. You are in my faves list!
[Reply]
You only get ONE HORN. Geez, I thought that maybe you would bring, at least, both of them. I guess you are being a lady. LOL!!
I am happy to never get on your bad side, because if this was all in good fun, then I would never want to be on the receiving end of the mean and out for blood Tanis.
[Reply]
LOL. I loves me some photoshopping.
[Reply]
So funny Tanis. Did you really mean to kick him when he was down with the (flu, cold, whatever)? He does deserve it after the birthday post, though.
I love following you two on twitter-I laugh lots.
[Reply]
Bwaaaahahahahahahahaha!
Now, THAT was funny.
Well done, T (and I am sure that BPD laughed as much as I did)
[Reply]
Honey, look at that photo again. Shawn totally looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, all squinty and quasi-goated. It makes me want to either talk with a Boston accent or be all, “I won’t let go, Jack. I’ll never let go…”
Can I go out with one of you if and when you break up?
[Reply]
that’s got to be the 2nd filthiest picture i’ve ever seen. when the first was taken, i was young and really needed the cash.
[Reply]
Burns is way more apple cheeked and baby faced than Ray.
Gerber baby with a goatee, perhaps?
[Reply]
OMG, can I just say that Backpacking Dad total deserved the ass-reaming.
Secondly, um, the blog roast? CHAG MADE ME DO IT.
[Reply]
My birthday is in less than 9 min, counting this as the first thing that made me laugh when I turned 30somethingish
[Reply]
Peeing in my PANTS!! You are too funny woman!!
[Reply]
LMAO!! Your guys’ war is infinitely amusing to me!
[Reply]
Reading that — I’m not sure ‘your guys” makes any actual sense. So let’s just say I’m a huge stalker and seeing the two of you fight (lovingly, of course) back and forth through your tweets is HILARIOUS!!
[Reply]
you just can’t quit him, can you?
[Reply]
Okay, so BPD does totally look like Leo DiCaprio in that pic. But more importantly, the little boy on the top of the page is so totally not me in a bikini! What gives?
[Reply]
bwahahahaha! Nicely done
[Reply]
Remind me to never get on your bad side. Like there is one…
See? That is me sucking up.
Shawn, you just got owned. Or pwnd. Or something. No freaking Damn Emos here to tell me which is right.
I know he likes the bitch slap though, he likes it HARD.
[Reply]
Love the new look. I guess this is off topic, but I’ve been an Oilers fan since 78. I first watched them play against the Houston Aeros in 73 or 74. At that time I was a die-hard Aeros fan. After the Aeros folded, I guess it was 78, I switched my allegiance to the Oilers where it’s been ever since. Even through the bleak years, I might add.
[Reply]
Hahahhaha! You got yours!
[Reply]
Note to self: never, NEVER mess with The Redneck Mommy!
[Reply]
Note to self. Never make you angry. Okay.
[Reply]
Love the new look! Backpackingdad cracks me up but not as much as you. And yes, he looks like a gay Ray Liotta but I think Ray would kick his ass.
I’m glad you’re back!
[Reply]
Few things make me this kind of happy. I wish I had read this post when I was in high school. I would have had hope, though you would have had to deal with being my idol.
[Reply]
I am really liking the new template. It’s like Red Neck Mommy got all growed up!
[Reply]
Love, LOVE the new layout. It’s sophisticated (although I had a soft spot for the giant woman) and beautiful! Kudos.
[Reply]
I woke up at 2 in the a.m. and decided to explore the world of blogness. I have no idea how I ended up here - the melatonin pill must have actually been working afterall…
I digress, all that to say - so tickled I landed here. This seems to be a place I’d like to hang out at..
[Reply]
I don’t know what all the bitching from others is about, I like the new digs.
[Reply]
I love the new digs, Tanis.
What was BPD aka “Gay Ray” thinking when he started going after you? He’s completely lost his ever lovin’ (as the picture shows) mind.
And I am totally willing to be used as a pawn too.
I already know who will win this little war and I bow to the QUEEN. And not the boy Queen.
[Reply]
He has already had his brains eaten. Alas, I am too late.
[Reply]
I thought I stumbled onto the wrong site there for a minute and it occurred to me that maybe I should have eased up on the rum in my rum and coke. Whew, I panicked for a minute. Now that I know I haven’t lost it, let me just say I love it.
A for BPD… this is probably the best virtual smackdown I’ve seen on the blogoshpere.
And there’s lots… that’s sayin’ somethin’.;)
[Reply]
So funny.
[Reply]
This was so darn funny….and I’ll put my money on you…
Best of luck..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
[Reply]
I *almost* forgot how much you rocked. But then, you came out with this and not only did I remember how much you effing rocked, but now you rock even more in my book.
[Reply]
LOL… nothing like a grade seven flirtation to get the internetses going!
[Reply]
Love it, love it, love it…we picked-on girls grow up to be dangerous women!!
[Reply]
How come no one noticed? Lovely new look for the blog!!
[Reply]
OMG, so funny… I have GOT to get on twitter and start paying closer attention.
You go Tanis!
[Reply]
sooo u mean u’r not 40 but trying to convince everyone u are 33??????
[Reply]
I cannot wait, WAIT until I can pull out the Gay Ray gun, I’ll pull it out when he least expects it (don’t worry girlfriend, I will keep the Gay Ray tradition alive - I’m annoying like that).
[Reply]
You were looking the wrong way at 13 and you’re looking the wrong way now. Somethings don’t change. Don’t be mean even if the minions relish in the your misguided threats of revenge.
[Reply]
*DYING FROM THE LAUGHING*
[Reply]
My Google reader has been suggesting “Redneck Mommy” to me for weeks now, and I’ve been brushing it off by saying, “No, I read too many mommy blogs already.”
Today I found Backpacking Dad, and damned if it didn’t bring me here in the midst of this childish foolery. Crap, now I’m hooked on you BOTH!
[Reply]