I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
391 Comments
I wish a had a good joke from you but I don’t (that’s more my husband’s territory). I will say that my thoughts are with you.
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I don’t have a joke. But remember that time I told you that I totally thought you were famous and it made you smile, that wasn’t a joke!!!! wait, I have a joke…am I supposed to leave the answer?
whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer???
A prostitute can just wash her crack and start over.
Was that bad?
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What is the best thing to come out of a penis when you rub it?
The wrinkles.
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Dammit Tabitha I was first grrrrr how did you slip in before me!
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Things NOT to say to a naked woman…
Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
Look….I can get my whole arm in.
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You’re not ‘that’ fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
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K got another one
farmer says to his wife… round sheep up or I’ll f&@k you up the bum, wife replies… no you won’t but I’ll give you a BJ, farmer replies o.k. then and whips it out. wife says I’m not sucking that it’s covered in sh!t. farmer replies… ai, dog wouldn’t round sheep up!!!
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A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, “I found this while cleaning your room today…. Are you sexually active?” To which the daughter replies, “No, I just lay there.”
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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
13. ‘How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.’
And the best one of all..
14. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up there?
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A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
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What do you do when your nose is on strike?
Pick it!
Lame, I know. But it makes me laugh every time!
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I never knew a redneck woman could exsist in Canda. I thought they were only able to survive in the South (which is were I live).
How do you do it without Nascar? Deer Hunting? And Muddin?
Anyway - my redneck joke to make you laugh.
A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon.
The manager greets them and says “I see you’re newlyweds! … I can give you the Bridal”.
To which the husband replies “Na, I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hange of it!”
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A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant. “No, no, no!” insisted the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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Here’s my joke! I’m in IT, so this is HI-larious!
Tech Support:
- OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer:
- I don’t have a ‘P’.
Tech Support:
- On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:
- What do you mean?”
Tech Support:
- ‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:
- I’m not going to do that!
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I am bad with telling jokes, so I sent you a funny e-mail about Rednecks!
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
…..
….
….
Full.
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How come six is afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
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I see a joke every time I look in the mirror.
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Shamelessly stolen from Car Talk:
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.
The old monk sobs, “The word is celebrate.”
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me- knock, knock.
you- who’s there?
Me - Amy Fischer
you - Amy fischer wh…
me - BANG!!!
you - (stunned)
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!
Yeah, they’re cheesy….
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What’s the difference between Love, True Love, and just plain Showing off?
Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling.
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What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale starts with “Once upon a time…”, a southern fairy tale starts with, “Ya’ll ain’t believe this shit…”
I’m sorry, that’s all I got… I’m usually the butt of jokes, not the teller of them.;)
My thoughts are with you, I hope someone brings a smile to your face today… I’m thinking of ya’.
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Not quite a joke, but, we love to use these at my office.
Try saying: I’ll try to schedule that.
Instead of: Why the f*** didn’t you tell me sooner?
Try saying: He’s not familiar with the issues.
Instead of: He’s got his head up his arse.
And one of my favorites, Try saying: That’s interesting. Instead of: What the f***?
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Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One was a salted(assaulted)!
Sorry…it’s all I got! lol
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Me-Knock knock
You-Who’s there?
Me-A interrupting cow
You-a interrupting c-
Me- Moooooooo!
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fisher, just like it sounds, fisher…my bad.
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While your head’s up your arse, would you say hello
to our prime minister? Oh, wait, it’s his nose, and it’s up Bush’s arse. Never mind.
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I would like to leave a two parter. A compliment and a joke. I know, that brown stain on my nose has always been there. Tanis, I am in love with you in that non-lezbo way. K now for the funny. What do you call an ethiopian taking a dump?
A show off. Badum pish!
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I watched John McCain on Letterman last night.
THAT was a joke.
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I could always tell you about the time I snuck the finger to my husband…..
hahaha Classic.
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My life is a joke - does that count?
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How a Southern man can make you feel like a woman:
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, ‘I’m too young to die,’ she cried.
Then she yelled, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel
like a woman?’
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Alabama stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped….
Then he spoke,
“Iron this — and get me a beer.”
Do I get points for lame? *grin*
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Here’s mine:
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old playing with his train set. She heard the train stop and her son say, “All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train.”
The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in his house. Go to your room for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you must use nice language.”
Two hours later, her son resumed playing with his train set. She heard him announce, “All passengers remember your things, thankyou for riding with us…” she heard her little darling continue:
“For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
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Here’s a terrible joke for you…
what goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people?
–
–
–
–
A tea bag!! (get your mind out of the gutter you horrible people!!)
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A guy’s talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She says, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”
He says, “Beerfuck.”
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A trucker, who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Texas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “Ma’am, I want your ugliest woman and a turkey sandwich!!”
The Madam is astonished.
“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen Darlin, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.”
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I know what you mean. Time really doesn’t dull it, does it? Anyway here’s my joke:
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
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My joke:
A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location, in grade 3.
One day the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland, son”.
Next day, in “language”, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter “k” with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter “m”. That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland.
Next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well - endowed”. This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Newfoundland?”
“No, son,” explained Dad, “that’s because you’re 18!”
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A man goes to his doctor one day and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis has turned bright orange!”
The doctor says, “My goodness! We’ll get to the bottom of this right away.”
The doctor runs all sorts of tests on the patient - allergy tests, chemical reaction tests.. he checks for rashes and discolorations of every kind. But the tests show nothing. Frustrated, he calls the patient back in for a consult.
“Well,” says the doctor, “all your tests have come back negative. So tell me more about your life. Are you around any exotic animals or organisms?”
“Nope” says the patient.
“Do you spend time around toxic chemicals?”
“Nope” says the patient.
The doctor says, “Well, what is it you do all day?”
“My life is pretty simple,” says the patient. “I sit around all day, eat Cheetos and masturbate.”
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Sorry I don’t have any jokes. I can never remember them. But I enjoyed reading all the ones you’ve gotten. And I really enjoy reading your blog. It always brings a smile and sometimes a laugh out loud (which can be embarrassing when I do that in a meeting. lol)
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This was my favourite joke when I was 5 (and apparently I went around telling it to EVERY.ONE., much to my mother’s chagrin):
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s cute, but how do you breath through that little thing?”
And thanks for the link to Avitable’s blog: it’s been added to my reader!
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Ok I don’t have a joke but I love your blog…. will that work?
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From Sports Illustrated:
“Recovering after shooting himself in the face, former NHL goalie what’s-his-name. The 47-yr-old, who’s now a goaltending coach with the Blue Jackets, was hunting rabbits at his Nevada home when his .22-caliber rifle accidentally went off, according to The Record-Courier of Reno. He is expected to make a full recovery. In 11 seasons from 1981-92 he was best known for having his jugular vein sliced by a skate blade during a game in ‘89, an incident that left a pool of blood on the ice and shocked two spectators so badly that they had heart attacks.”
ok technically it’s not a joke, but it made me laugh. i mean, the guy shot himself in the FACE. just ensuring my express pass to hell, i’m sure…meh…whatever…
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I’m so not a good person for jokes. However, your posts crack me up and I love your sense of humor. I read you via my google reader thing and don’t comment like I should. Don’t hold that against me.
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Two men are in a locker room taking a shower after their gym session, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
If you do not mind me saying,’ stated the second, ‘that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?’
I regret I cannot’, lamented the first guy. ‘It is permanently stuck in my ass.’
‘I do not understand,’ said the other.
The first guy says, ‘I was walking along and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, ‘I am Captain Canada , the Genie. I can grant you one wish.’
I said, ‘No shit?’
Hope this tickled you, Tanis!
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There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
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So first, my heart and prayers are with you. I know this is a hard time, but we are all here giving you a big old internet hug. Now for my joke:
Two old people meet in a retirement home. They spend time together and enjoy each others company.
After a few months, the man asks the woman to marry him. She’s hesistant and decides to ask a few questions.
“How’s your health?”
“OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems.”
OK she says, “So how are your finances?”
“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable.”
The woman finally asks “How’s your sex life”
“Infrequently” he says to her.
She thinks for a minute and says “Is that one word or two?”
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle
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A professor was teaching a class on involuntary muscle spasams to a group of med students. He wanted to make it fun so he asked a girl in front “Do you know waht your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasim?” And she said ” Out deer hunting with his buddies?”
What do you get when you cross an elefant and a rhino? elifino (hell if i know)
where do you find a dog with no legs? where you left it.
smile!
[Reply]
My favorite joke (I am a simple person):
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
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Check this out. It made me laugh.
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So many great jokes here
So I’ll go the flattery route… I’m such a suck up 
You are so totally awesome!!! I love that you are selfishly giving away an iPod! You Rock!!
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This was sent to me today and made me laugh because my 401k account is a joke these days:
- If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.
- With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.
- With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.
- But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg.
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Sorry not a good joke teller. I am thinking of you and your family during this time.
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Courtesy of my stepmom:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice tits,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”
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i don’t have a joke. But I think you are pretty. Does that help ?
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No jokes…but how about some amusing (aka mildly disturbing) images? http://www.myzombiepinup.com/
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Two men walk into a bar. This clearly demonstrates their stupidity because you would figure that the second guy would have seen the first guy do it…
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Joke 1. So two guys walk into a bar. Which is pretty stupid, because you’d think the second one would have seen it.
Joke 2. Two peanuts were walking down the street when suddenly one of them was assaulted. Get it? A salted? Hey, I don’t dance, folks…
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(My Favorite Joke of all time!)
A woman is strolling down the road to work and she spies a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey you! lady, you are really ugly.” The lady is furious! And she rushes past the pet store to go to work.
After finishing her shift she saw the same parrot in the shop window and the parrot repeated what it had said earlier, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She is now even more furious.
The following morning she received the same verbal abuse from the parrot. “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” This time she was standing no nonsense and stormed into the store and said that she would sue the store and slaughter the bird. The store manager said, “That’s not good.” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the pet store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?” and the parrot said, “You know.”
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I am terrible at telling jokes, but I have something to brighten my day that I think you will appreciate. It is an article by Rosanne Cash about why she would make a better running mate than Sarah Palin… it rocks.
Here is the link:
http://www.thenation.com/doc/20081027/cash
Keep your head up Tanis! You help keep mine up all the time.
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I don’t have a joke but I did go to your guest post, read it, and post a comment. I learned 2 new things about you too! 1) you have oddly long toes and 2) your taste in men, not quite the same as mine. Um ewww! That man, cave man-esque much? Keep him babe, he’s all yours. No, really, please, keep the pictures. All you babe. Bleeech yeesh woman please DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE. Just wrong man, wrong.
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Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden
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If you take visitors for a Sunday drive that necessitates them getting out to make sure your 4WD can clear the massive rocks in the middle of the road…
If you’ve gotten convicted of reckless handling of a firearm and the story behind it is good enough to tell at parties….
If your idea of fun involves a river, a canoe and whatever dumbass you can convince to join you, such as unsuspecting teenagers or the dog, who loves to ride but will become VERY grumpy when the boat springs a leak and jumps ship without a backward glance*….
…you might be a redneck.
Oh wait, that’s not a joke, that’s my life.
And in case you were wondering, a boat becomes almost impossible to navigate when half full of water so that you hit a rapid, it is entirely possible that you will be going backwards at that point in time, which just made the inevitable flip into ice cold water that much more fun.
**Leaky boat, freaked out teenager, cussing redneck woman and one incredibly pissed off dog all made it home safe and sound though.
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This is the one my 3 year is telling everyone he meets:
What is black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
Silly but cute.
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Oooooo…Ahhhh…cool prize! Ok, it’s not the greatest, but I found you a Halloween joke:
Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
10. She’s a goblin!
9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
6. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN’T
1. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Admit it…at least one of them made ya smile!;-)
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Ok..I’ll go with cute because I just have a friend send this to me…and even thought he knows I am completely open minded….I did giggle like a dork!! Hang in there hon!
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy,what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she
asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl looking a little
puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well we’re not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in
our yard!”
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(Should be read in a Southern lady-like voice. VERY southern and VERY lady-like.)
Miss Scarlet and Miss Margaret are sitting on the porch sipping lemonade and discussing their latest accomplishments.
Miss Margaret turns to Miss Scarlet and says, “When I had my first child, my husband bought me a beautiful fur coat.”
Miss Scarlet says, “That’s nice.”
Miss Margaret continues, “When I had my second child, my husband bought me a lovely new carriage!”
Miss Scarlet says, “That’s nice.”
Continuing to boast, Miss Margaret says, “And when I had my third child, my husband sent me on a trip around the world!”
Miss Scarlet says, “That’s nice.”
Miss Margaret looks at Miss Scarlet and says, “Well, Scarlet, what has Rhett done for you since you’ve been married?”
Miss Scarlet says, “My husband sent me to finishing school where I learned how to be a proper hostess, throw the most amazing parties, cook proper meals and how to say ‘How nice.” Instead of FUCK YOU!”
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Married too long
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprising
them wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compare notes…
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all
night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.
The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as
he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’
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The only joke I know (and thus the only one my friends hear & are very tired of hearing):
Two cows are standing in a field, chewing cud & chatting, as cows are wont to do.
One cow says to the other “Hey, what do you think about this ‘mad-cow disease’?”
The other cow looks up and says “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a helicopter.”
cracks me up! then again, I can be easy to amuse sometimes…
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Q: How do you castrate a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin!
But my favorite joke of all time is:
“Hey, did you see that new pirate movie? It’s pretty good, but it’s rated ARGGHHHHHHH!”
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
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I lost my daughter’s IPOD after warning her over and over to make sure she takes care of it and not to lose it and what did I do!? Lost it.. I’m such a horrible mom! But I admire you as a mom. I read you everyday and look forward to your posts more than any other blogs I’ve read.
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Okay, first here’s my very own NSFW response to the election trains (http://i35.tinypic.com/2cijs77.jpg) image: http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/8268/chooseyourtoymb7.jpg
But that might not hit home since you’re Canadian. So here’s an also NSFW oldie but goodie: http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/7164/batmanzd8.jpg
If you’re just not feeling it, here’s some bacon crawling around in a sink: http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/2883/crawlingbacongy0.gif
And I’d love to tell you this really funny joke, but I think it’s too tasteless even for this blog’s readers, so this one will have to do:
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there.
. . . and it’ll be Spring before you know it, Tanis.
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YAY.. I was having a horrible time getting my comment to post. I’ve got some good jokes I’ve got to look up so I don’t mess it up.
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Delurking to say I don’t have a joke, but I have a pretty hilarious picture of my daughter on my blog that might make you laugh. If you’re into kids who put weird things in their pullups. Which is a weird thinge to be into.
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Three men jump off of a cliff. An American, A Canadian and a fat guy, The American Says God Bless America, The Canadian Says God Bless America *wink* and the fat guy says God Bless Who ever I land on!
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I’m a woman without an mp3 player. That should be funny enough. But how ’bout this? I also have no cell phone. Please help move me into the 21st century. Pick me. I may not have wireless service but something to drown my crumb-snatchers out would be a great comfort.
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What do you do if you are swallowed by an elephant?
Run round and round and round until you’re all pooped out.
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Most of the jokes I know are wildly inappropriate and I only tell them to a select group, a vetted few people that I know won’t be offended. I think the group consists of about three people, two of whom are related to me.
With that said, who can’t use a little video of some myotonic, aka “fainting” goats on a Friday?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg
Trust me, this is some funny shit.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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From my 8 year old
knock knock
who’s there
you
you who
you who anyone in that brain of yours
got to love 8 year olds
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I am not funny on demand. So I will leave it to Mitch Hedberg:
I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him “Dude, you’re a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I’ll tip you over.”
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There is no way any joke I could tell would top these people who, btw, took up a lot of my time because I just had to read them all! My contribution: It’s -3 degrees outside. Isn’t that freakin’ hilarious?!
The White House
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From Comedy Central (http://jokes.comedycentral.com/random_joke.aspx?joke_id=1148)
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” she said.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ .”
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No jokes today, but I did have a great time reading everyone else’s! Hang in there.
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents (say out loud)!
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wish I had a good joke…but I don’t!
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, “Well, I quess we answered that question!”
Here’s another one:
Q: What do you call a blonde who flies a plane?
A: A pilot, you fucking misogynist.
Hope you are smiling soon Tanis. Hang in there.
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I knew I had my timing right when I emailed you the other day.
Come to my blog for a laugh. No wait. Don’t. We all know what my writing is like. Dreeeaaary.
love ya tho. Anne
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Once upon a time there was a single woman who decided she needed a pet. She went to the pet store and looked at the cats, dogs, birds, lizards, and all sorts of creatures. The one that caught her eye was a frog sitting on the front counter. The frog kept puckering his little frog lips and appeared to be blowing kisses at her.
After thinking for a little while, the woman bought the frog. She carried him in a little box to her car and settled him in the passenger seat. As she was driving, she kept glancing down at her new pet and he kept puckering his froggy lips and blowing kisses at her. Mindful of her fairy tales, she decided there wouldn’t be in harm in leaning over and kissing her little frog once.
*Poof*
The frog turned into a handsome prince.
The woman turned into a Holiday Inn.
Trust me, it’s much funnier when it’s acted out in person.
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So…I was a single mom for 12 years. Last December I finally accepted a date with a single dad whose son attends my After School Program. Neither of us had dated much and it was as much as a surprise to us as to everyone else that we were living together within a few months. He proposed in April and we were married last weekend. Both of our sons (mine is 13, his is
have had a little difficulty adjusting after having thier parent all to themselves for most of their lives. Well, at the wedding after we said our vows, our boys said vows, too. “Do you, Alex, promise to love and respect Jeff as a father from this day forward?” Alex replied, “I do.” Jeffrey Jr. followed his new big brother. It was a very tender moment.
Not a joke…but a happy ending.
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A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby who’d seen everything remarked, “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the butt.”
Hehehe!
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What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?
Lipstick! not funny….eh, screw it. =)
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What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?
Either an onion with long ears or a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
===============
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Three old men are sitting around, shooting the shit. Old man #1 asks the other two, “What do you think the best invention of the 20th century was?”
Old man #1 says, “I think it was the rocket ship. Man went into space in the rocket ship, and that’s pretty amazing.”
Old man #2 says, “I think it was the television. It’s like having people thousands of miles away in your living room.”
Old man #3 says, “I think it’s the thermos.”
The other two are dumbfounded and ask him why. He responded, “You put hot things in and it keeps it hot. You put cold things in and it keeps it cold.” The other two men were confused and one said, “Well, that’s true, but what makes that so special?”
The old man replied….”How does it know??”
HA! Love that one!
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A woman tapes a dollar bill below her belly button,shows her friend.Her friend says what is that for..woman says “all you can eat for under a dollar”..
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I never win the “giveaway prizes” on blogs, but I will try again.
–
I found your blog through the guest post you did on Avitable’s blog today. I have a guest post on his blog coming tomorrow I believe. Hell of a good guy. I sure hope someday to meet him. I have a feeling he would make me laugh so hard I’d have milk coming out my nose. Heh! Anyway… Onto a funny joke:
Found this via Comedy Central and thought it would at least give a snicker:
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of “something-something” between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”
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Why do girls have belly button rings?
So they have a place to hang the air freshener..
funny thing when I took my daughter to get her belly button pierced my 11 y/o went next door to the gas station and bought her an air freshener for her as a b-day gift…thats funny I don’t care who you are..
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Three Men on a Hike ‘
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a raging,
violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river.’
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ‘God, please give
me strength and the tools to cross the river’
Poof! …God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in one hour, after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river’…Poof! … He was turned in to a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the damn bridge.
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Sadly I’m not the jokester in my family. I’ll talk to my father-in-law and get back to you with a wicked dirty joke. He always has a good one. This time last year he was in the hospital for a heart catharization and he told his recent joke to everyone he was in contact with. I thought my mother-in-law’s eyes were going to permanently lodge in the back of her head.
I’m sorry you’re down. I hope you find your joy again soon.
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I can never remember jokes. Sorry about that.
I love your blog, and you RAWK! The hottest Redneck Mommy Blogger I read.
(Did I brownnose enough? I can has Ipod! lol)
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http://oneatlantamommy.blogspot.com/2008/09/for-love-of-god-why-octopus.html
I know… I have weird kids!
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interru…
Moo.
…………
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction.
Interru…
Mu.
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An Canadain man left the snow-filled streets of home for a tropical location. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
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My mom (against my wishes) taught my son to call his penis a “peedeeypooder.” Yeah.
So S generally starts tripping all over his words when he’s trying to say a big sentence. We were changing his diaper the other day and he said “I got a new diaper now, where’s my–my–my–peederbirder.” Ridiculous. (I call it his pepe or I just say penis, damn it!)
Hope you get lots of happy comments, lady.
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To the Beverly Hillbillies tune:
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear….
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A small boy was lost at a shopping mall, He approached a uniformed policeman and said, ” I have lost my grandpa” , the cop said ” Whats he like? The boy hesitated for a moment and the replied , ” Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits..”
Out of the mouths of babes…..
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A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you???!!
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The teacher says to her new class, “For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first.”
Billy stands up and says, “My name’s Billy. My father’s a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court.”
The teacher says, “Very good. All right, Benjamin.”
Tyrone stands up and says, “My name’s Benjamin. My father’s a pharmacist, f-a-m… f-a-r-n… f-n…”
The teacher says, “Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo.”
Angelo stands up and says, “My name’s Angelo. My old man’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he’d give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain’t spellin’ pharmacist by tomorrow.”
Hang in there………….
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I have two…
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both.. Be strong, honey.
I love you!’
His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ‘Be strong. I love you, too!’
******
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
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My husband would totally dig this ipod. Pick me, please!!
My joke is from: http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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How did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chiickens foot!
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http://www.palinaspresident.us/
Tanis,
Trust me, it’s a joke.
Trust me, it’s funny.
Alternately…
Trust me, it’s not a joke.
Trust me, it’s terribly un-funny.
v/r,
B.
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So this guy decided to take a huge island and create his own country, but he didn’t want the competition of the rest of the world, so he was only letting in one of each profession.
Two gentlemen walk up to the gate to be let in and the guard asks man #1 “what is it you do?”. He replied “I make the women’s panties.” The guard said, “You know, we already have a seamstress, so we really don’t need you. I’m sorry, but you can’t come in.”
Man #1 is dejected and turns to walk away. A few steps away he hears the guard ask man #2 what he does for a job. Man #2 replies “I’m a Deesellfitter” (pronounced Diesel-fitter). The guard is quite comfused and even calls his boss to find out what it is. The guard tells Man #2 that since its such a unique job, of course he is allowed to come, it’ll add diversity!!! So man #2 enters the country and goes on his way.
Man #1 is now appalled and runs up to the guard and cries “What are you doing?? Why did you let him in and not me?? I make the women’s panties, all he does is hold them up and say Dees’ll fit ‘er!!!”
(it works best when spoken out loud, but its one of my favorites)
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I am horrible with on the spot jokes. I guess I could steal my son’s knock knock joke.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Why are you so sad?
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this is from my husband who is a giant 12 year old…
if i have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey eats my roosters legs, what do you have?
two feet of my cock in your ass.
hardy hardy har.
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A woman got married for the fourth time. On her wedding night, she told her new husband to be gentle because she is a virgin.
“A virgin? Can’t be! You’ve been married THREE times before!” he said.
“Well,” she replied. “My first husband was a lawyer, all he wanted to do was TALK about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was LOOK at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I’m going to miss him.”
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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
moo.
*works much better in person…*
my mom introduced me to your blog and I really enjoy reading. I’m often left literally lol’ing.
Thanks!
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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
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Kinda long but SO worth the laugh!!! It’s a little kinky too!
***************************************************
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the Bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t Resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him No matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very Dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you!’ His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear . He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and Asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.. Be strong. I love you, too!
******************************************************
See? I should *totally* win for that! And/or because I NEVER win anything and I am SO pitiful I don’t even OWN a cell phone! Someone PLEASE help this girl out of the stone ages!
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Just realized my joke got posted before! Damn. Oh well. Here, try this I wrote it, so I know you haven’t heard this one before.
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I don’t have a “joke” that comes to mind, so much as a funny story.
I used to be a special education teacher. One of my students was a sweet tempered boy with autism in the first grade, we’ll call “M”. M and the rest of my class planted bean plants as part of some unit I can’t remember and M was enthralled with his little plant- he loved to hold the cup and stare at it and “pet” it. Unfortunately, I learned all the touching the kids were doing to their plants was quickly killing most of the plants so one day, as the kids rushed in to class and made a bee-line to the plants, my aide and I reminded them of the new rule- “Eyes Only” for loving their plant. Well, M being smarter than the rest of us proceeded to rub his little bean stalk lovingly against his closed eyes. I couldn’t do anything but smile. He was still following the rules!
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This joke contains a word that most women despise but the joke just isn’t funny without it. I hope I don’t get in trouble for posting it.
You pass 3 tampons walking down the street. Which one says hi to you first? None of them. They’re all stuck up cunts.
Sorry…
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a joke? oh, i know I’ll steal one from Chris Rock’s recent HBO special…
“George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra…anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!”
hope it brought you a giggle at least!
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Thinking of you & hoping all these comments bring a smile….
Okay, the only ones I can think of right now:
1. A chicken lies in bed next to an egg. The chicken sighs contendly while smoking a cigarette. The egg rolls over and grumbles, “well, I guess we settled that question!”
2. my favorite 3rd grader joke:
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
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What’s the difference between sexy & kinky?
With sexy you use a feather.
With kinky you use the whole chicken.
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I was told this joke in grade 7, didn’t get it until grade 9.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Say sorry and wipe it off
(now just change the spelling of “come” to the slang…)
What can I say… I was an innocent child.
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My daughter’s favorite…
Q. Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly?
A. ‘Cause if they were small, blue and smooth they’d be blueberries!
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A man enters a restaurant with his two young sons, 5 and 7 years old. They’re seated at their table and a waitress comes up to take their order. She turns to the oldest boy and asks, “What’ll ya have, sugar?”. He replies, “I’ll have a gotdammed cheezburger”. Quick as lightning, Dad reaches out and pops him a good one. The waitress quickly turns to the other little boy and asks what he wants. “Well, I sure as hell don’t want no gotdammed cheezburger”.
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All I have to offer you is the family portrait that Nathan drew. I could print it out and mail it to you…or maybe have him draw one of YOUR family. Heh.
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The other day I went downtown to go to the news stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, ‘Come on, man, don’t you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren’t you out chasing crooks or
child molesters . . . that’s out of your league, obviously!!!”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a ‘Nazi.’
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him ‘Barney Fife’.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care . . I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘McCain’ in 08.’
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Four Worms and a lesson to be learned……
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,’As long as you drink, smoke or eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service —
Hope you feel better……
[Reply]
This is my favorite joke:
Q:: Why is the ocean blue?
A:: Because the fish go, “Bloo. Bloo. Bloo.”
It’s lame, I know but it makes me laugh.
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What is an elephant’s favorite game to play?
Squash.
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You’re going to blow up the internet, sweetie! In that vein, here’s a blow job joke! Woo HOO!
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ”Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up - you look so excited.”
The groom replies, ”I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, ”Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”
The bride replies ”I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.”
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This made me laugh out loud today
McCain &Obama at the Barber Shop
WOW!!!
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
McCain in his chair reached for the after shave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, ‘ No thanks, my wife Cindy will
smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse’.
The second barber turned to Barack and said ‘how about you?’
Obama replied ‘Go ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like.’
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I flew home to visit my Mom a bit ago and while driving home in her car I said something totally normal (although now I can’t remember what it was) and she clearly heard my say “You smell like shit.” Needless to say, she was quite taken aback. We had a good laugh about
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
A point of view …
Barbara Walters of Television’s 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters’ vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now
seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
“Land Mines.”
Moral of the story is (no matter where you go)
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN
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Warning: Politically incorrect.
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Urghrrghrghr
Okay here’s another one:
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.
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Why haven’t women found the perfect man?
Cause no man has a dick made of chocolate that ejaculates money.
or . . .
What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
Sparky
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I hope you promised him that guest post 6 months ago, because someone sold me some whispers in the dark and my inbox remained empty.
That’s like a joke, right?
Don’t enter me though. In the contest that is, not my orifice(s).
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Ok, I have 2 for you- hope they make you smile!
(the second one works better if you read it out loud)
1. A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake”
2. A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says ‘i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate” so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the “van” in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes “spell the straw in strawberries” so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes “spell the fuck in chocolate” and the lady goes “there is no fuck in chocolate” and the clerk goes “thats what i’ve been trying to tell you!’
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BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Did that work? No???? DAMMIT.)
I love your everlovin’ guts, Tanis.
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After being asked by my management to stay in my current job “just until things get better” and knowing that things are going to get (much) worse before getting better, my friend sent this to me in an email:
“Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, ‘The Light at the End of the Tunnel’ has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
It made me smile anyway.
Take care and hugs… xoxo
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Oh most beautious and wise Redneck Canadian Woman…
Knock, knock.
(you have to play along)
Boo!
(don’t spoil the fun)
Don’t cry, it’s just me!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who posted the same joke on her own blog today, so now she’s twice as lame.)
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I got this via email the other day, I LOVED it:
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’ The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’
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Or you can go here and laugh until you pee (or is it just me who does that?): http://www.stupidvideos.com/fullscreen.php?sk=7&fc=0xFFFFFF&pr=undefined&i=34039&t=Lazy%20Cat%20On%20A%20Treadmill&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Estupidvideos%2Ecom%2Frss%2Frss%2Ephp%3Fchart%3Dsimilar%26pl%3D1%26v%3D34039
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
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I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
ba da bump pah.
and this one made me think of you:
If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
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I’m #148 in the comments, but I so don’t care, I want that damn ipod. This is a way better giveaway than Breakfast Club notebooks, and I wrote a whole post for that.
So, I hope I win.
By the way…a Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
That’s Tina Fey.
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I fuckin love Tanis.
The weirdest thing I’ve found while snoopin has to be a book in my brothers room when I was like ten…and I didn’t understand why some pages stuck together when I tried to open it.
*pukes a little*
Comments by Dora
comment by Dora Friday, October 17, 2008 @ 5:21 pm
Here’s my post from your guest post.
[Reply]
I couldn’t narrow it down, so I’m going to give you three of my favorites.
—
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big “T”.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not
“Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah Lord.”
6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and The Boys”.
7. David slew Goliath. He did not “kick the shit out of him.”
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as “Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook”.
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never “Mary with the Cherry”.
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
—-
A boy went out hunting with his dad, and brought down a turkey with bird shot. That night as the family were eating, they kept running into the pellets and accidentally swallowing them. The dad told them not to worry, “It’ll pass, it’ll pass.”
The next day the daughter runs up to her dad and says, “It passed when I went potty!” The son looks worried and asks the dad what he should do, the dad just says, “It’ll pass, it’ll pass.”
The next day, the son comes up to the dad, nervously. He says, “Dad, last night…. I was masturbating…
I shot the dog!”
—-
A father and son live out in a tar-paper shack in the country. There’s no food, the dad is elderly and can’t get around well, so the son decides to go get some food.
He gathers up some chicken wire and starts to head out the door. The dad says, “Boy! Where ya goin’ with that chicken wire!”
“Paw, Imma catch me a chicken!”
“Ya can’t catch a chicken with chicken wire, ya durn fool!”
“Paw, watch me!”
The son leaves and comes back an hour later with a chicken. The dad says “Well I’ll be! I guess ya can catch chickens with chicken wire!” They ate well that night.
Two days later they’re hungry and the son decides he’s going to go get some dinner again. He grabs a roll of duck tape and heads for the door. The dad says, “Boy! Where ya goin’ with that duck tape!”
“Paw, Imma catch me a duck!”
“Ya can’t catch a duck with duck tape, ya durn fool!”
“Paw, watch me!”
The son leaves and comes back an hour later with a duck. The dad says “Well I’ll be! I guess ya can catch a duck with duck tape!” They ate well that night.
Two days later, the boy decides to head out again. He picks up some pussy willow and heads for the door.
The dad says, “Hold on son, let me get my shoes.”
[Reply]
Oh, I forgot. You might also enjoy this site http://notalwaysright.com/
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Three moles came upon a hole leading to the surface. The first one popped his head up out of the hole and said, “I smell sugar.”
The second one popped up out of the hole and said, “I think I smell maple syrup.”
The third mole popped up and said, “Hmm…That’s funny, all I smell is mole asses.
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This is so sad. I’m racking my brain for a good dirty joke, but all that I can come up with is a knock knock joke from my kid’s beloved joke book. But really, it makes me laugh hard. Which may be yet another sad statement about me. *sigh* here goes. No polite chuckle necessary…
Knock Knock
Who’s There
Little Old Lady
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Since it’s his joke, he gets the iPod if I win. I think that is fair.
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the Bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds; leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’
THERE’S MORE….
Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’
IT IS NOT OVER YET…
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. … And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’
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A married couple on vacation in Jamaica walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in, Dey make you wild at sex mon” Well the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed but her husband felt he really didn’t need them being the sex God that he was. The husband asked the Jamaican: “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Jamaican replied: ” Jus try dem on mon” So after some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in and slipped them on to his feet. He got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in years. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down the Jamaican’s pants, yanked down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips. The Jamaican then began screaming “You got dem on the wrong feet Mon, you got dem on the wrong feet!!!
[Reply]
There were two peanuts walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Shit, that doesn’t translate to the written word so well. Go back and read it out loud like “assaulted”. It’s funny! It is so.
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I’m having a pretty craptasic day myself, so I have no jokes for you unfortunately. But I am needy… needy for a new ipod!
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favorite W.C. Fields saying
“i never drink water…fish fuck in it.
wishing you many joys Tanis
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I’ve always been partial to this perv classic:
A girl is sitting at a bar eating a Twinkie.
The bartender says: “Little girl, you’re getting hair on your Twinkie.”
Little girl says “I know, and I’m gettin’ boobs too!”
[Reply]
oooh I like this one!
ok so my boyfriend came home from work the other day and told me this TRUE story….
So Bill (my boyfriend) heard this story and relayed it to me.
A couple of years ago, this shipyard worker with a reputation for being a big ol farter, was working at his workstation grinding steele, when he suddenly burst into flames!! so appearantly what had happend was, he had let one go and the gas from his farts built up in his coverals , was then ignited by a spark from the grinder. The workers rushed to put out the flames, both of wich sustained serious burns to their hands. Also the dude with the farting problem had to be hospitalized due to seriously burning his back.
before the fart fire, this guy never missed a days work and put in all the overtime he could. sadly after being hospitalized, he later found out he had cancer, and six months later he died.
So the men at the shipyard are convinced that his extreme case of the farts was a big part of why he died. And when ever they speak of his memory they can’t help but smile, and I’m sure thats how he would have wanted it.
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrupting cow wh–”
“MOOOOOOO!”
Shut up. It’s funny.
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I love your blog, your sense of humour the can only ask you to keep it up. To that end, enjoy the attached….. ;o)
HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH!!
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that
her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I’m wearing
it,’ she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll
get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘Aren’t you going to
return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you
could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear.
I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’
[Reply]
This is my 8 year old’s favorite joke.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Watcha.
Watcha who?
What ‘cha doing?
(Hysterical laughter is inserted here.Even the 15th time he says it.)
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
‘The official asked: ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.’
Enjoy!
Sue
[Reply]
Don’t have joke..but my life IS one….
How is this one for starters….and not on the blog because my husband reads my blog!
Caity and I are killing time on the community centre couches waiting for Adam’s Taekwon Do.
She has been bouncing off said couches and the coffee table…the whole ‘look what I can do’ thing is goin on.
Then she climbs up my sprawled out body (and see when I sprawl it isn’t pretty…like beached sea cow)..she climbs up and straddles me.
And start bouncing.
“Mommy” She says…
“What is this called?”
Me -…”er what…bouncing??”
Her - “but what is it called when you are naked?”
“Like this”
And she proceed to throw head back and sort of resembles maybe something she could have possibly spyed at home…and not on tv.
Yah.
Me -”um..still called bouncing I think”
She - “But you only naked bounce with someone you love right?”
Me - “er..sure…yeah….that sounds about right.”
And we will never ever have sex again.
Oh and that leads to another funny one.
Sept 26 was our ten year anniversary.
Hubs had been buying up a STORM of lingerie for the said event.
Hotel had been booked and was all looking forward to a hot and child free night of ooh lalala.
Until the night before.
When he made some comment about ‘better getting some that night’ As we struggled to get two really effin cranky kids out of the car after a shopping trip.
I had apparently snorted and muttering something like ‘yeah right.’
This apparently had turned into….’yeah right and I am only doing the hotel thing because you are forcing me to.’
He was mad…so mad he CANCELED our night of sin.
He canceled a chance of lingerie nookie without kids.
He told me later that it really hit him how stupid he had been when coming home one rainy night on the bus….he then realized just HOW stupid he had been.
And this from the man that wants me pregnant again…how will THAT miracle happen????
So this could either make you laugh or cry…or at least feel better that this is my life.
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A fifteen year-old boy came home one day with a Porsche, and his parents yelled, “Where did you get that car?”.
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?”, demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
His parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?”, they bellowed.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.”
“So I did.”
__
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
___
Hope you enjoy these!
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Did you hear about the mushroom? He was a fun guy. (Funghi, get it? It’s less funny when you write it down.)
Thinking of you.
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Mom and Dad are getting busy one late afternoon when Little Jimmy walks in.
Dad and Mom pop up just as Jimmy is running away. Mom turns to Dad and says, ‘hey you should really go talk to him about what he saw…’ So Dad pulls on his boxers and starts down the hall. He turns into Jimmy’s room to see him on top of Grandma. Dad shouts out ‘Jimmy! What the hell are you doing?!’ and Jimmy turns around and says
‘Not so funny when it’s your mom, huh!?’
[Reply]
Are you allowed in your mom’s room?
yea
Good wake me up at 7…
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I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take extra time to ensure great hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’
I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal …Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.’
Never going back to that doctor. Ever.
[Reply]
You have enough jokes.
But, you are the BEST blogger evah, in Canada and everywhere else! For sure the funniest! And you are really pretty too, the prettiest blogger evah, with the best & nicest tattoos! Those are great piercings by the way, you totally rock! You have the most adorable dog in the whole wide world!
Those are great shoes; you look like you’ve lost weight…..
[Reply]
Hello! First time commenter, but I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months (found it through DGM). I love your blog–you are so funny and have awesome tattoos!!
Anyway, I can never pass up an opportunity to tell one of my only jokes. I read it in the joke section of a Playboy Magazine a few years ago (yes, I do read the articles..hehe)…ok here goes:
A husband and wife are lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep when the wife feels a tap on her shoulder.
“Yes?” she asks.
“Let’s make love!” he responds enthusiastically.
“I can’t.” she responds, “I have a gyno appointment in the morning and I want to be clean.”
Dejected, the husband rolls back over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later the wife feels another tap on her shoulder.
“Yes?” she mumbles.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?”
BA-DUM-CHA!
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A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary.
His wife angrily told him, “Tomorrow there better be something for me in
the
driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less.”
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the
extent
of the injuries…
hope your day gets better!
[Reply]
I don’t have a joke, but I made up a limerick about a penis. Here you go:
Russel, Russel,
the quadrapalegic muscle,
he has no arms,
he has no legs,
but he sure knows how to hussle.
*If you have a body part you feel deserves a limerick, I’m selling them for $10.
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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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Ok, I have a joke for you. FOr a back story, I told this joke to my OB/GYN as he was sewing up my episiotomy after the birth of my son.
A duck walks into a store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner says, “Sorry, we don’t sell grapes, here”. The duck says, “Okay” and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner says, “Sorry, we don’t sell grapes, here”. The duck says, “Okay” and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner says, “Sorry, we don’t sell grapes, here.” The duck says, “Okay” and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner, starting to get upset, says, “Listen, we don’t sell grapes, here, man. I told you that yesterday.” The duck says, “Okay” and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner, who is really pissed now, says, “Come ON! We don’t sell grapes, we have never sold grapes and we never will sell grapes. Goodbye! The duck says, “Okay” and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”. The store owner is LIVID! He screams at the duck, “WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES. IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK ME, I AM GOING TO STAPLE YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!”
The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any staples?”. The store owner, confused, says, “No.”. The duck asks, with a grin, “Do you have any gwapes?”
There’s the joke. One of the funniest ones I know and absolutely awesome when told in person. And I want the IPOD as it is my birthday today!!!
Love you Tanis!!!
Heidi T
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Sorry I’m not the best with jokes, but did want to say I like the way the new site looks!
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Well…
When my ex and I were still married, I made him really, really, REALLY mad one night. We had plans to go out to happy hour with some friends, and before we left, he was feeling frisky. I kept putting him off and putting him off and finally he said, “Come on, it’ll only take a minute.” Wink. Wink.
So, later that night, we’re out and I’ve had a few beers and I’m chatting with this kid I went to high school with and (apparently quite loudly) proclaim “My husband wanted a quickie tonight and he promised it would only take a minute. Well, he still owes me 45 seconds!”
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I’ve enjoyed reading your blog, but never thought I would know you *quite* so intimately!
thine:
A form of the possessive case of the pronoun thou, now superseded in common discourse by your, the possessive of you, but maintaining a place in solemn discourse, in poetry, and in the usual language of the Friends, or Quakers.
[1913 Webster]
“Remember? My head is up thine arse.”
I clench at the thought ;P
=)
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You know you’re a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear
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Here’s one more - what can I say? I’m a broke-ass Mac-a-holic!
____
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, you’ve gotta’ help me! I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a …”
The doctor interrupts him and says, “Calm down. Please calm down! You’re two tents.”
______
Corny, I know. Hope it helps.
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Ok, my favorite bad joke.
How do you catch a polar bear?
1st, cut a hole in the ice, then, surround the hole with frozen peas, that way, when the polar bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ice hole:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a skelton walks into a bar. he asks for a beer and mop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a 3 legged dog walks into a bar. he says he wants to find the man who shot his paw:)
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First:
Question: Have you ever smelled mothballs?
Answer: Yes…
Query: How’d ya get their little legs apart??
Q: Whadaya call a cow with two legs?
Second:
A: Lean Beef
Q: Whadaya call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef
Third:
My dad told me this joke when I was ten. Made me laugh hysterically at the time. It’s best if you read it out loud.
How to catch a polar bear:
1. Cut a hole in the ice.
2. Open a bag of frozen peas, and place them all around the edge of the hole.
Now, when the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, and never commented before. I THINK I got here from DGM, but I’m not positive. I really like what you have to say. Hope my jokes, and eveyone elses give you at least a little grin when you’re feeling down.
Kel
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LOL…lovely. The word Second is SUPPOSED to come before the cow jokes, but I’m sure you figured that out. I fail at the internets
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
They stay up late at night wondering if there really is a dog…
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How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
P.S You are awesome!
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A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’.
Roland the class swat, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”
“Well done, Roland” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”
“Well done, Katie” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice. “Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take that cunt ages”
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Oh my… you do have some funny readers!!! *picks self off floor*.
Completely off the subject, I do love your funky new (very non-redneck!) site. Have I been away THAT long?? Was there a ta-da introduction I missed??
If you want a laugh, come laugh AT me here. I am here, but for your amusement!
BB
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If girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work?
Ihop.
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Okay I have 2. They both are lame. The first my 10year old told me but she doesn’t get. I might not either.
You ask someone if they want to hear a diry joke and when they say yes, you say 3 white horses fell in the mud but 4 came out.
This is my own. Someone saying to me.
them- your polish
me- my last name is polish
them- so your polish
me- only by injection
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle…
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From my three-year-old, who loves to make up jokes:
What do you call a horse with no legs and a chicken head?
A sitting horse duck!
Trust me, it’s way funnier when she tells it.
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I think I’ll go with the classic:
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
hardy har har
and then I’ll go with compliments. umm you’re so beautiful and bendy and funny and i love reading your blog. Was that nice or stalkerish?
does that get me two entries
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Hey, please hang in there..
Missing: One-legged dog. Distinctive mark: falls down when peeing.
–
A car is pulled over with a penguin in the front seat.
Policeman: Sir, why is there a penguin in your car?
Driver: I found him, officer, what do you think I should do with him?
Policeman: Take him to the zoo, of course.
The next day the policeman pulls over the same car, and the penguin is still there.
Policeman: Sir, didn’t I tell you to take that penguin to the zoo?
Driver: I did, he loved it, now we’re going to Disneyland!
–
Two guys are camping in a remote forest. One goes to pee and gets bitten on the penis by a snake. His friend picks up his cellphone and calls a doctor: Doctor, my friend got bitten by a snake, what do I do? The doctor says: Suck on the bite until you get the poison out, that’ll save him. The fellow returns to his friend, who asks: What did the doctor say? He replies: He said you were gonna die.
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C’mon, I came here looking to you for jokes.
Okay, here goes…
What do you call a smart blond?
A Golden Retriever.
(says one blond to the other. that is, if you’re still blond these days.)
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I didn’t bother scanning the almost 200 comments that were already on here before I started this and got rudely interrupted. So if you have heard this one before, please forgive.
A guy walks into his regular watering hole and asks the bartender for a double shot. As soon as the bartender pours it, the guy throws it back and asks for another. Again, the guy downs it and asks for another.
As the bartender is pouring the guy’s third double shot, he says, “I don’t mean to pry, but you’re a regular. You don’t usually drink like this, and I’ve never seen you look more miserable. Are you okay?”
The guy tells the bartender that when he returned home from work that day, he found his wife in bed with his best friend, having wild passionate sex.
The bartender says, “God, that must have been really hard on you. What did you do?”
The guy replies, “I kicked my wife out, and told my best friend - Bad Dog! Baaaaaad Dog!”
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It may have been said up above-but here it is anyways….
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where to one legged girls work?
IHOP!!
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’
Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’
Not quite a head up your ass but.. lol
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Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? So she could see what was on the other side…….
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Um, here’s a joke I used to tell when I was a little kid…
What is brown and sticky?
No, not that! What are you thinking?
A STICK!!!!
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I got one I got one…Backpacking Dad.. what a joke.
No seriously…Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
… “No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
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pppsssttt…. I got one for ya, and it’s a doozy!
What’s brown and sticky?
Wait for it….
A STICK!
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Apparently I’m not the only one who was thinking of the stick joke…
/le-sigh
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OK - so I have a Barack Obama sticker on my car (a small one) and I am often on a military base - my husband is military - and the cops stop me because they say I am going above the speed limit by 3 miles per hour. Then they say they are going to call base legal to see if it’s ‘legal’ to have an Obama sticker on my car or if it’s grounds for some violation or for breaking some law.
They are told that it’s OK to have the sticker. I don’t get a ticket but a warning, be careful M’am when driving on base.
Seriously. Did that make you laugh? Or is it just too scary of a thought?
Ciao
Anita
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This joke is funniest when told in front of a group of people. Pick your target, maybe the blonde or just the one who is slow to catch on. Ask them to stand up, bend over, and spell the word RUN, over and over until they catch on to why this is so funny.
You had to act it out to figure it out didn’t you…Don’t worry I won’t tell.
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Here is a true story for you:
A girl I used to work with came up to me one day, laughing, and wanted to tell me a story about something she did to her husband the night before. She we got down to the garage of the giant building we worked in to have a smoke. She tells me this: “So last night Aaron was taking a shower and I had to go to the bathroom *number2, she whispers* and he had locked the door. I knocked and knocked and yelled and told him to open the door for me, but he wouldn’t and was laughing and thinking he was soo hilarious. So, I decided that I would show him funny. I went to the kitchen, go a roll of paper towels, piled up about 5 sheets and pooped on them. Then I put it outside the bathroom door, just waiting for him to walk out and step in it.” *note that by now she is laughing hysterically, in between smoker’s hacks*.
Aaron, fortunately knows his wife pretty well, as he opened the door and stepped right over the pile of ‘ewww’ his lovely little wife had left him.
Good story huh!
BTW, you’re pretty. {: )
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What do you call a dead blond in a closet?
The 1987 Hide and Seek champ.
Read that on the bathroom wall of a bar the night I was introduced to my husband and thought it was hilarious (still do). He married me anyway.
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I have been enjoying your site for some time now so in honor of your redneck-ed-ness….
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than Boo.
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I love jokes, I’ve been obsessively watching Craig Ferguson for weeks now and yet, when asked for a joke, all I can come up with are two that I learned when I was in elementary school. It’s possible my childhood was slightly twisted.
How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
(I don’t know)
You paint its toenails red. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(No)
See? It works!
There was a group of nuns riding their bicycles down the road. The mother superior led the group. Suddenly she heard the other nuns giggle. “Ladies!” she admonished. They quieted down but a few minutes later there was more giggling. “Ladies!” tutted the mother superior. A few minutes later there was more giggling, though. The mother superior spoke up, “Ladies! If you don’t quiet down I’m putting the seats back on the bicycles!”
Good luck in your grief season. I hope you’re getting a lot of laughs.
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Dammit!!! I finally made my way thru all the jokes and saw someone beat me to it 10 comments before! Still funny though!
Ok, so I still get entered in the drawing, right? Or do I need to go on and on about how totally freak’n awesome you are as a writer and a Mom??? And the hottness?
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This is so strange, I just got an e-mail the other day from my aunt claiming this was the funniest joke in the world…I kid you not!
Here it is…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
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JOKE!
A lady goes to the dentist, and he tells her she will need a root canal.
“I’d rather have a BABY than have a root canal!”
The dentist responds, “Well just let me know which. I’ll have to adjust the chair.”
TA DA
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Hmm when I TRY to think of a joke I can’t, but I do have a distraction for you. And I’m not sending this as a spam effort, but because I think you’ll genuinely get a kick out of it. I wrote a post this week on faking orgasms. The post is decent, the comments are AWESOME.
http://tinyurl.com/4dgl6p
Hugs!
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Tanis,
March 25th is my day of sadness, as that is the date that my son was stillborn. I tried to inject some happiness to that day years later when I got married for the second time. However, misery stayed with me, at least unitl I divorced her!! I remember reading a book entitled “Misery is…”, which contained the following:
1. Misery is needing a bra at age 12.
2. Misery is not needing a bra at age 13.
and my favorite:
Misery is a near-sighted gynecologist!!
Your blog is the best, your Bug is beautiful and you are the greatest!!!
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I cannot remember jokes for some reason but I did try to stalk Michael Buble’ today, to no avail.
I suck at stalking….there….I’ve said it. I felt like I was a teenage girl combing the parking lot at the venue he was to appear tonight. With the hub at the wheel taking my orders, our stalking tactics bombed. So we did what any stalkers would, we stalked out the pub next to the venue. He has to eat, we have to eat…he wasnt there either. Although, the waitresses were waiting for him to come in too….it turned into a stalkers luncheon at the pub.
My ass is paying for it tonight.
So it’s official, I am a fuckupstalker.
I manage to get a picture of his tour bus. Maybe next time, I will GET IN the bus….ya never know.
peace
#2
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Do you know the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb!
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Why did the police arrest the potato for solicitation?
Her sticker say Idaho. [say it out loud... there ya go]
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*What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name!
*How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb into a tree and act like a nut.
*Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts to do it.
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My wife and I have our very own Bug. I’ve called her that since she was born. My wife and her mom picked her birthname, Angelina, even though I didn’t like it much. I called her Bug for revenge and the name stuck.
I’ll be losing her in a different and happier way in a couple of months. She’s 18 and attending an online university. Her boyfriend, whom she still likes even though we do to, is trying to buy a house. Once he does she will be moving in with him. She is our last and our home will surely never be the same.
I didn’t write this to cause you pain or illustrate what may have been under different circumstances. I want to let you know that your blog reminds me to be thankful of my own Bug, an many other things also.
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Sorry, I don’t have any funny jokes. I’m a loser.
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What’s brown and sticky?
A STICK!
Ha.
Guaranteed your kids will get some mileage out of that one if told with the right flair.
I’ve been in the same funk. We all have. My new bloggy friend Pants explains what’s going on in her post “As far as I’m concerned, this week can eat a bag of dicks”: http://melliferouspants.wordpress.com/2008/10/10/as-far-as-i%e2%80%99m-concerned-this-week-can-eat-a-bag-of-dicks/
Check her out. She’s awesome.
And my roommate who hails from Beaverlodge, AB was impressed with your civic devotion this week with the election. She tried to explain the Canadian system to this American law student, and I’m befuddled. But good job helping out!
Happy Friday!
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Sorry, I don’t have any funny jokes. I’m a loser. I can tell you something funny my two year old said - I was getting him dressed today and I held up his shirt and asked what came next and he said “Next we poke your eyes out!” Okay, that’s just really scary but it made me laugh at the time.
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What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
May I have the iPod? =-)
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Okay, I’ll tell you my 2 1/2 yr olds fav joke.
Where do pirates like to go to eat?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrby’s.
Pathetic, I know. I got nothin.
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P.S. I hope the little joke made you smile at least a little. You make us laugh.. I hope we’ve done the same for you.
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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The teacher fainted.
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what’s big, grey, and comes (cums?) in buckets?
an elephant.
huh, sounds better out loud. maybe cause the spelling ruins the joke?
or maybe cause i was piss ass drunk when i heard it.
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She’s Alive!!!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:
—Watch that wall!
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Hmmm, I can’t think of anything good…but I hope things look up for you soon!
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the raccoons that it could be done.
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A fellow walks into his doctor’s office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
“I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. Bring a banana and a cookie with you,” said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says, “Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit.”
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy’s butt. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.
“Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm,” advises the doc.
Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patients butt.
“Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie,” says the doctor.
The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says, “Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer.”
“Not a cookie?” asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
“Nope, a hammer,” confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor says, “Okay, you know the routine”.
So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.
Then a little head pokes out of the patients ass yelling, “WHERE’S MY COOKIE!?!”
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First let me say I love your blog!
ok my joke…
What are three two letter words that mean small???
“Is it in?”
lol
I hope all these jokes lift your spirts! They cracked me up!
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What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
It didn’t say anything it just let out a little wine.
Thank you for an enjoyable Fridy night, the jokes sure made for a fun evening. It’s really too bad that you aren’t feeling well but you brought many a smile to us tonight. Feel well soon.
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I have no joke but seeing my b-day’s the 20th this would be an awesome gift!!!
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Not commenting to enter. I never win shit anyway.
Commenting to tell you I love you babe.
The pain may never go away, but I will always be here for you. You know it.
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Instead of a joke, how bout a great redneck picture. I think it’s just another use for duct tape….babysitter! Good timeout idea as well.
http://www.meetthegrants.com/images/RedneckTimeOut.jpg
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This is a terrible joke, but it is made better by the remembrance that my father-in-law, a 60 year old straight-laced actuary told it to us at a fancy dinner.
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
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Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches? They can’t keep thier trunks up!
Hoping for that random draw…
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When did nerds rule the world?
In the dork ages.
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This is a true joke…it is my life every week day…usually something like this happens and there is no one to share it with but 5 year olds and they just don’t get the jest of it, but today I got to share with all the parents….so here goes:
The kids are lined up at the classroom door this morning…each kid gives me a hug or a high 5 before entering the doorway. The 2nd kid in tells me, right in front of parents, “You’ll have to be careful, I’ve got slippery balls!” He was holding up 2 Pokemon balls on a chain attached to his backpack…and it just gets better from there
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joke? hmmm……
my memory. serious. i can’t remember shit.
knock knock
who’s there?
needy cat
knock knock
who’s there?
needy cat
repeat over and over cuz my needy cat won’t leave me the fuck alone….
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“Your pussy gave me vertigo!”
Funniest quote of my day… I hope you get a laugh out of it, too!
By the way, I also sent you an email last night… before you ever even posted this entry. It’s chock full of compliments and the luv! I hope it brightens your day and brings a smile to your face!
May the Bluebird of Happiness Shit in the Cornflakes of Anyone Who Tries to Fuck Up Your Day!
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Here’s my joke for my favorite blogger–hope you get a chuckle!
A lady was walking through her house with a painter telling him how she wanted each room done. In the bedroom she told him she wanted blue. The painter writes something on his notepad, goes to the window and yells, “Green side up!” The lady thinks this is kind of strange but she doesn’t say anything.
Next they go into the bathroom. The lady tells him she wants pink paint in there. The painter writes something on his notepad, goes to the window and yells, “Green side up!” The lady still thinks this is kind of strange but she doesn’t say anything.
They go into the next room and the lady tells him she wants white paint in there. The painter writes something on his notepad, goes to the window and yells, “Green side up!” The lady has had all she’s going to take so she says to the painter, “every time I tell you a color you go to the window and yell green side up. What’s with that?” The painter says, “I’ve got some blondes across the street laying sod.”
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I have no jokes-I can never remember them. I like laughing when I’ve had no sleep and I can laugh till I cry at things that aren’t even funny.
My 7 year old son and I also find farts incredibly funny.
I enjoy reading your blog.
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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, thinking, Isn’t it obvious?
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading,’ she replies.
To which he replies, ‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book?’ she queries.
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I am reading,’ she replies,
again.
Again he says, ‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the
woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
And she replies, ‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ he said, and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
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Tanis, I hope this kid story from a co-worker makes you at least smile. My friend is a single mom with 2 kids out of the house, and a 5yo son, and 11 or 12 year old son. The other morning she was getting ready for work and still in her underwear when her 5yo son comes into the bathroom and starts circling her and looking at her very intently. After a few minutes he chimes in:
“Mommy, your belly and your booty are a little bit fat.” (they’re not)
She apparently didn’t mask the appalled look quickly enough and she could see the “oh no, how do I spin this” look in his eye. After a couple of beats he followed up with the ultimate comment:
“But they make great bongos”
and proceeded to ‘drum’ on her. She was feeling good about herself that day.
Ohhh, and I’ll share my story of the week too. My 3yo daughter got in trouble last weekend for dropping her big brother’s yo-yo from our 2nd floor ‘balcony’ down onto her mom’s desk on the 1st floor. She spent her required couple of minutes in timeout for this and she seemed ready to get up, so I asked her:
“Are you ready to go apologize?”
she said yes and made it to the door before she turned and ran back to her timeout chair with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Being the attentive father I am, I followed up:
“Were you not ready to apologize yet?”
Her reply was to start writhing in pain:
“No! It hurst so BAD! OHHH IT HURTS!”
Being the smartass father that I am I told her it was “probably guilt you’re feeling.” which prompted even more pronounced writhing and rolling on the floor accompanied by “YES, IT IS MY GUILT! IT HURTS SO BAD!!! RIGHT THERE, IT’S MY GUILT OHHHHH” at this point I left the room and after 5 minutes or so managed to catch my breath long enough to relay to her big brother (of the yo-yo) what had happened. My wife was left in the room with our daughter and was likewise trying to hide her face.
The next day (and most days since then) if you ask her how she’s doing she’ll tell you “my guilt feels much better.”
I am doomed.
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I’m utterly hopeless at remembering jokes. Here is the one I was told most recently that made me laugh. You’re smutty (in a good way), so it may raise a smile.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
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What kind of bees make milk? Boobies ! So since boobies are a fave topic… and I wouldn’t want to be the only kid on the block with a portable CD player…
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Little Johnny is outside playing so his Mommmy decides to sneak in a quick shower. Not long after she gets in and begins to relax the door is flung open by Little Johnnny.
As he peers around the corner of the shower curtain he points to Mommmy’s crotch while asking:
“WHAT’S THAT????”
“Why Johnny, that’s my little black sponge”
Happy with the answer Little Johnny goes back outside.
Mommy is in the kitchen tidying up when Little Johnny comes running in …
“Mommy, can I see your black sponge again?”
“No Johnny, I lost it.”
Little Johnny dejectedly goes back outside.
Not five minutes later he comes running into the house, yelling;
“MOMMY, MOMMY I FOUND YOUR BLACK SPONGE….”
“THE LADY ACROSS THE STREET HAS IT AND SHE’S USING IT TO WASH DADDY’S FACE!!!!!!!”
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http://www.noob.us/humor/google-maps-gone-wrong/
this is the best I can do - I “stumbled’ across this and it should divert you if not make you chuckle.
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I don’t do jokes–really, I suck at them. <y preschooler tells better knock knock jokes than I do, and they consists of “Knock, knock. Whose there? Banana? Ha ha ha!” all said to himself. I could talk about knockers, but mine aren’t bejeweled, just serviceable grand titties feeding a teething baby–ouch! I hope/pray/wish you an easier passage through your Season of Sorrow.
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Umm, don’t really have a joke right now. OH wait…No not that either. I know…I have never had an ipod before in my life & my husband works for a place that distributes them!! He ships them everyday. Even gets his OT paid by Apple, Inc.:O
Will that work?
OK, how about this? We just got our first home PC in July…ever. We have only been hooked up to the world wide web for less than 3 mos.;)
Now surely THAT is worth winning an ipod??!!
Last chance here…I am a stay at home mom of one very active 3 1/2 yr old girl. We have no babysitter & no preschool. I am going insane. A FREE ipod would help lessen the effects of my impending break with reality.
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salfishly seeking joy? i’m selfishly seeking that ipod. which will bring me joy
PG joke:
-What do you call a vickar on a motorbike?
-A Rev
X rated joke:
-What is the similarity between a woman’s asshole and a 9 volt batter?
-You know it’s a bad idea and you know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re going to want to put your tongue on it.
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What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?
Brown chicken brown cow (say it fast with attitude)
It’s really funny when my six year old says it!
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Okay Tanis, you know I say this as the mother of a child who is classified as “mentally retarded” so I’m not worried about YOUR reaction, and everyone else can kiss my arse if this at least makes you crack a smile:
What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her cooter?
Only SOME of the things that come out of her cooter are retarded.
*rimshot*
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A little old man walks up to a table of little old women in a nursing home.
The little old man says “Today’s my birthday, I bet you can’t guess how old I am.”
One of the little old ladies says “I bet you $20 that I can.”
The little old man agrees. The little old lady says “Drop your pants.”
The little old man drops his pants and the little old lady “weighs and measures” his privates.
“You’re 80 years old.”
“How did you guess that?”
“You told me yesterday!”
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Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her love, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
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A three legged dog walks into a bar and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?
For the drizzle.
I’ll be here all week.
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My 4 year old’s favourite:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Police
Police who?
Police let me in it’s freezing out here!
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RIP Pillsbury
Dear Friends: It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded”.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he’d rise once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note — romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
——————————————————————————–
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love,
Hollingsworth
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
How’s that, hon? Hehe!!
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OK, I am insanely jealous of your fabulous prizes.
Insanely.
Bitch.
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Somebody just sent this to me. Made me laugh!
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Bubba had two a $$ holes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:
‘There’s Bubba with them two assholes.’
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A young girl caught her mom giving her dad a blowjob. She new a little about sex and asked her mom if that is how you got a baby. Her mom replied, “No honey, that’s how you get jewelry.”
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In these troubled times…
What’s the capital of Iceland?
About $7.99
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A young girl caught her mom giving her dad a blow job. She new a little about sex so she asked her mom if this is how you got babies. Her mom replied, “No, this is how you get jewelry.”
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Secretary to Psychologist: “Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible.”
Psychologist: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
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The disclaimer here is that I haven’t read the bazillion other jokes, so I’m sharing two:
1. Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The judge reads over the documents, and gives Mickey a raised eyebrow over the paperwork.
“It says here you’re requesting this divorce because your wife is insane, Mr. Mouse?”
“No! I want a divorce because she’s fucking Goofy!” Mickey answered.
2. Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns the other and says, “Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”
The second muffin looks at the first and cries “Aaaah! A talking muffin!”
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Leaf fans too. Not really knowing what an Leaf fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not an Leafs fan,” she retorts.
“Then,” asks her teacher, “what are you?”
“I’m a proud Vancouver Canucks Fan,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Canuck fan.
“Well, my Dad and Mom are Canuck fans, so I’m a Canuck fan too,” she responds.
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
“Oh,” says the little girl. “Well, then I’d be an Leaf fan.”
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ok one more:
There was a Chief of a village in the middle of the Congo, who lived in a grass house. When the village got word that the white people were coming, everyone said “oh no, what are we going to do?! they are going to steal everything we have!” And everyone went around hiding their most valuable possessions. For the Chief, his most valuable possession was his throne. So for the lack of a better place, he decided to hide the throne in his roof. So eventually the white people came to the village, and asked to see the Chief. The white people entered the Chief’s house and asked, “are you the Chief?” “Yes,” the Chief replied. “Well then, give us your most valuable possession.” The Chief said “I will NOT give you ANYTHING!” while stomping his foot. As he stomped his foot, the grass house shook, and the throne crashed down through the roof, landing on the Chief’s head killing him instantly. What is the moral of the story? Those with grass houses should not stow thrones.
Get it???
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What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vaccuum cleaner?
The position of the dirtbag.
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knock knock.
who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVAR FORGET!!!1111oneonejuan
was it inappropriate? Yes.
But I’d like to win and I would like to make you feel better.
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Holy shit comments! Wow.
damn, this is an amazing giveaway. hubby is dying for one of these for Christmas but I don’t think it’s in the budget…. Gack! Here’s to hoping I actually win something!!
Of course with this many comments, my chances are getting slimmer.
Here’s the 4 year old’s favorite joke.
‘why did the chicken cross the road?’
‘To get to the playground’
*i know, i know*
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Although you are WAY too young and beautiful to be a baby boomer…these are kinda funny…(I don’t remember which blog I “borrowed” this from)
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.
They include:
Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr — I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye — Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations — Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Abba— Denture Queen
Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy — I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again
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Here it goes.
A blonge is in the doctors office and tell’s him that it hurts when she touches here, and here and here as she points and touches her arms, legs, stomach with her finger. Doctor says to the blonde, that is because you have a broken finger. LOL. Way to funny.
I thought i would give it a try as i do need a new iPod. I have a shuffle that is used every day to block out the sounds of motherhood, but it is getting very warn and would love a new one. Hope my joke made you laugh.
Lori
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Well, I’ll start with the sucking up compliment first…
I’m new to blogging, only since August, and have only found you recently, too. I laughed my ass off reading that first post I found of yours…it was the one when you got your new car. Then, I read some of your older posts, and cried when you posted about your friend that had died. I then went on to MissingMyBug.
You are awesome, indeed. You share beautifully.
I am hooked.
I found you through a friend of mine, you were on his shared items list, and to try to give you a laugh, I am going to try to reproduce that days tweets:
Me: Thanks so much for sharing Redneck Mommy…so funny
Him: Glad you like it, not as PG as what I usually share, but I liked it, too
Me: Everyone needs a little R rating in their life…and that post was fucking hilarious
Him: Fucking A
Me: ROFLMAO-Redneck Mommy Sept 24 blog, I’m crying from laughing!!
Him: I’ll check it out when I get home.
Me: OK, now I really am crying from Sept 22:(
Him: Awwwww
Have a great day!
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I’m back…not too good with jokes, but here is a story I blogged and I hope you find funny!
Had a great dinner at Logan’s last night with the whole fam…Hubby’s side. Mom, Dad, brothers, wives, and kids. We then went to Mom and Dad’s for dessert and to draw names for Christmas.
We had a blast…lots of laughter. Some how we started talking about, I don’t know, trademark phrases. Great Granddad would always say “WooWee” to the point that it was his nickname when he was younger. Candy always says “Well…….anyway”. And so on. I was thinking about what Hubby always says to me, and I said that I couldn’t say it out loud. Hubby looks at me strangely … figures it out quickly … and he says it … “Show me your boobs”. After having to repeat it for his Mom…she looks around wide eyed, and suddenly mimics grabbing each lapel and ripping her shirt open. I just about peed my pants, and my brother in law is now scarred for life…not really
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Bubba & Cooter’s Sure-fire Pick-up Lines
Thank you for purchasing ‘Bubba & Cooter’s Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines’ brought to you by Bubba & Cooter.
Enjoy!
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND… the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
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Are we allowed to give you links for this contest…I love Anthony Bourdain and this is a clip from his show that I thought was very funny…
http://monstermash40.blogspot.com/2008/09/worst-meal-ever.html
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Another story…I’m almost done…
…well Saturday started pretty funny…I was reading an article and the word arrears was used. I had never heard that word and the context of the sentence didn’t really help, so I asked Hubby aka Knowitall. He just said he didn’t know…but as he pondered, he started using it in sentences… ” Would you like me to touch you on arrears” , “Do these pants make my arrears look too big” ” Is your arrears…. You get the picture. Then he topped it off with the infamous Newlywed Game….Bob asked the question, “Where is the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee?” “In arrears, Bob, most definitely in arrears!”
And now you know why you NEVER ask hubby ANYTHING…simply go to your dictionary and look it up. Arrears: overdue debts…In Arrears: behind in payment.
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Last one…another link…hope it counts
http://monstermash40.blogspot.com/2008/08/mystery-solved.html
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Why was white chocolate invented?
So all the African American kids could get their faces dirty too
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah reason you’re not laughing at this joke?
P.S. Did I mention I’m the last person on Earth without an iPod? It’s true!
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Three women go out for lunch; a girlfriend, a mistress, and a wife. They start talking about their sex lives…
Girlfriend: My boyfriend is so sweet and caring. When we make love it’s just magical.
Mistress: Whenever I meet up with my man it’s just crazy sex…it’s so hawt!
Wife: My husband and I haven’t had that much excitement lately…I’d do anything for that kind of fun again!
Sooo…the ladies suggest to the wife that she try a “fun outfit” but since she feels uncomfortable being the only one, they all agree to wear a sexy outfit and report back. They decide on black lingerie and stockings, with a black mask to make it mysterious. ;o)
The next week the ladies meet for lunch. Here are the reports;
Girlfriend: My boyfriend couldn’t believe his eyes when he walked in the door. We made love three times that night!
Mistress: I walked into my man’s office wearing a trenchcoat over the outfit. When I took off my coat, he cleared the desk and we had sex right there!
Wife: My husband called me on his way home from work and I told him that I’d arranged a sitter for the kids so we could have a night to ourselves. When he came in the door I was waiting there, in the outfit, with a drink for him. He looked at me, looked around the house, and said….
“Nice outfit…so what’s for dinner Batman?”
LOL :o)
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I need both hands in the air to tell you the only joke I ever get any laughs with so I’ll just tell you that I get a major laugh every time I read your blog. This is my sad season as well and I get a little less sad when I see a new post and think damn girlfriend I wish you lived next door. I’m fixing me a drink now and toasting you and yours and sending wishes for a either excellent mood altering substances to fall into your lap (well, er, uh, I mean mouth) or a short sad season.
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You are the best…I love, love, love stopping by you have the balls to say what I sometimes think..I think sadly when you get my age…you shy away from confrontation so keep going for it…hugs
Dorothy from grammology
http://grammology.com
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Probably I’m thinking that by now there are a gazillion posts and mine is going to be lost but here goes:
I told Teen to be different than I, strive for more. When he asked why I said “Because I don’t need you walking in my damn shoes. They barely fit my own feet. Besides - do you really want to spend the rest of your life staring at your mom’s fat ass?” The look on his face was priceless - something akin to pure fear and absolute disgust and horror. It’s nice to see he’s now forging his own path.
T - you know I love you like mad. I think you’re the best mom and the best blogger. Chin up, you’re in my thoughts. (((hugs)))
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Hmm…a joke. :::thinks:::
Ok. This one was told to me by a 4 year old 23-24 years ago and it still makes me laugh.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies!
=snicker=
Well…I like it
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I am never good with these things, I usually say something to make it worse…so my gift to you at this terrible time is to say only that my thoughts are with you, and I wish you didn’t need them.
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A priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, “I hope the porn
channel in my room is disabled.”
“No,” she says, “it’s just normal porn……………….. you sick
bastard.”
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Hey, did you hear that K.D. Lang is dead?
………….
………….
………….
….They found her face-down in Ricki Lake.
Ba dum dum!
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Two jokes for you T.
Both are so wrong on so many levels. Whatever.
George W Bush goes to the doctor.
W: “Doc, every time I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused.”
Dr: ” Quite understandable, perfectly normal. You’re a cunt.”
———————————————
A ventriloquist is telling Blonde jokes and a Blonde down front stands up.
Hey, Stop that. You can’t humiliate me because of my hair colour. Hair colour is no more an indication of intelligence than the size of my ears or the length of my feet. You’re not funny, you’re being rude and insulting.
The ventriloquist is taken aback and starts to mutter an apology.
The Blonds cuts him off. Stay out of this Mister, I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee.
lolz
Jokes? check
Compliments? oh right
Tanis, you are the greatest. You’re deep, you’re meaningful and you’re bendy. More than enough to keep a bunch of stalkers and lurkers hanging on your every word.
We don’t want you to be sad - that makes us sad.
That’s why you got so many jokes.
Keep your chin up kiddo. You do good work.
C
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
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Next time we’re naked in a hot tub together, I’ll make extra bubbles. I promise that will fill you with THE JOY.
Seriously, love you T.
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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..
“Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
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A fish was swimming and hit a wall.
What did he say?
Dam.
stupid, stupid joke.
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my favorite…
how many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but don’t ask me how they got in there!
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How do you top a car?
…You tep on the brake tupid.
Before I ever read this blog, I read your other one, entirely. If I could hug you, I would. I may even feel you up.
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By the time I scrolled past the gazillion comments, I forgot my joke!
Dammit!
Anyway, you’re awesome, as are some of these jokes!
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Horse walks into a bar… bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”
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Sigh. I have no joke. I’m sick. My football team is losing. Give me the prize. You’ll feel better about yourself.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
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I got these in an email and thought they were pretty funny. Not as funny as some of the jokes above, but it’s the best I’ve got.
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Okay, one of the few non-dirty jokes, this one’s old but I love it…
Bush goes to London to visit the Queen. He tells her, “Wow, I’m impressed, you have such qualified people and everything is just running smoothly. How do you know they’re capable?” So the Queen calls in Tony Blair and asks him, “Your parents have a child. It is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?” So Blair says, “Me.” Bush returns to the States impressed. He calls in Dick Cheney and repeats the question. Cheney tells him he must do some research first. So he goes to the men’s room and sees Colin Powell. He asks Powell, and Powell relies, “Me.” Cheney returns to Bush and says “I have the answer, it’s Colin Powell.” Bush replies, “no you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
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Here’s one for you. How do you keep a Californian philosopher from drowning? Take your boot off his head.
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OK, this is my best ever “lame” joke:
Two guys walk into a bar…
…which is kinda stupid when you think about it, because you figure the second guy would see it, and move out of the way.
Ba dum dum. I’ll be here all night.
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My wife e-mailed me this one. I don’t know if she meant it or she just had a great laugh with it.
GONNA BE A BEAR
In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
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What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
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I am cracking up reading these jokes!! I cant think of a joke under all this pressure!!
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What kind of fish likes peanut butter?
A Jellyfish.
Where is the best place to get bugs?
at a flea market
These were overheard from tenters kids today. The pee man is back, thats not a joke, just stating the facts
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
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Here’s my favorite political joke.
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it’s conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
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These jokes are hilarious! I can’t believe I just scrolled thru and read all of them. But it was worth it.
Ok here’s mine:
A person’s outlook on life affects how they perceive their environment.
For example, a Democrat will look at a half glass of water and say “This glass is half empty.”
But a Republican will look at the same thing and say “Who the hell drank half my water?”
Ba-dum Ching!
And I really like the new blog layout! This is the first time I’ve visited in person (rather than via my feed reader) since the change. Very nice!
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office. He is naked, but is wrapped in Saran Wrap from his neck down to his knees. He pleads with the shrink “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I’m losing my mind!”, to which the doctor replies “well, I can clearly see your nuts”.
Love your blog.
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As someone who spends entirely too much time at a rink in Saskatchewan, I found this kind of funny…
sign seen at a hockey game “Hey ref, are you pregnant? Cuz you missed the last 2 periods!”
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Tanis~
Love reading you and miss you when you don’t write. I’m sending best wishes to you.
I don’t have a joke, I’m horrible at them. But I do have a funny story which Crunchy Carpets’ story reminded me of.
One morning, after a bout of “wake up sex”, our then 3 year old son hops on the bed, crawls on top of me, starts bouncing up and down yelling, “Me next! Me next! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!” Needless to say, from that day on we always checked the room before any romantic exercise.
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A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don’t stop doing that, you’ll go blind.” The boy said, “Dad, I’m over here.”
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First:
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
Bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?”
“Arrrrggh. It’s driving me nuts.”
Thank you, thank you. try the veal.
Second (and true story):
Last night I was eating a bowl of cereal before work. Our son (3 years old) saw this and insisted he also have a bowl.
Daddy pours him a bowl with milk and our son insists he get ‘lots of milk’.
Hubby resists, telling him he doesn’t drink it when he gets a lot, but finally relents.
A while later we hear:
All done Daddy!
“you’re not all done…I see lots of milk in there.”
All done Daddy!
“You need to drink that milk, that’s wasteful!”
blink:blink from the boy
“Look, there are starving children in China…”
“CHINA?!? DADDY! I don’t have a ‘china, I have a penis! I’m a BOY!”
To which Mommy spit out her cereal, laughing hysterically.
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I got this in an email and laughed so hard I cried. (You’ve probably already seen it, but it’s still funny!)
This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of… Bless this woman!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…. The Wax!!
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; “Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?”
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK… So it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!
With my next wax strip, I move “north”. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself…. RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
I’m Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!… OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP… Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it!
Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair… The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off.”
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax. So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she’s waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter, “So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!” There is a slight pause. She doesn’t have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, “Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?”
She’s laughing out loud by now… I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace… The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don’t care!!
“IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair… THE HAIR IS STILL THERE… ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I shaved it off. Heck, I’m numb at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color . . . . . .
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You are the most beautiful 26 year old on the planet. If I was a lesbian, I’d fill that ipod full of idigo girls, then seduce you away from your husband with promises of weekend trips to home depot and flannel lingerie.
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I don’t have a joke…but I’ll tell you why I need this Ipod. Tonight, my boyfriend of six years (yeah, no wedding wtf?) puked in my hair. After he was done and I washed my hair out in a bar room sink he had the nerve to say “Hey, you smell like puke, gross”
Sweet guy.
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This came from my 7 yo -
What does lightning wear under it’s pants?
Thunderwear!
Chuckle chuckle
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A patient walks into a shrink’s office and says, “Doctor, I’m really depressed, can you help me?”
The doctor says, “Sure. I’ll need to see you five times a week, at $100 an hour, for the next five years.”
“Well, Doctor,” the patient replies, “that takes care of your future, but what about mine?”
p.s. my ipod got stolen out of my car a few weeks ago at my crappy apartment complex ( <– blatant plea for sympathy)
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The only jokes I know are decidedly un-PC so I won’t share. And I don’t want to be in your drawing UNLESS you personally deliver the iPod. And even then, I’d send it back with you.
But, I understand the season of grief and wanted you to know that I heart you madly, T.
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A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
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I sent you this one before, it always reminds me of you - I hope it still makes you smile!
Last night my daughter and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She’s such a bitch.
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I hope all these jokes can bring a smile to your face. Here’s mine:
Married life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three decide to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.. After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.’
The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing he leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’
The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’
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Ten reasons men are like cats
1. They have to be trained from an early age where to pee or it’s hopeless.
2. They often show up at your door in the middle of the night and want in.
3. They all want to be petted when you don’t have time for them, but then run when you want to pet them.
4. Your cupboard becomes filled with cans of food only they will eat.
5. They often come home beat up after a night out with the boys.
6. Usually only one out ten is a good one.
7. They all want their balls to be licked only cats can do it themselves.
8. They both mark their territory with pee.
9. They always eat the stuff on the counter even if it’s not for them.
10. After they are gone, the only thing they leave you with is a box full of their shit.
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Two good ole boys, Billy Bob and Joe Bob were hunting one a sunny day. Now Joe Bob was not the brightest person in the world. They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude.
Billy Bob jumped up and said, “Boy, she looks good enough to eat.”
So, Joe Bob shot her.
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A test to determine man’s best friend.
Lock your wife and your dog in a closet for 3 hours. At the end, open the door and see which one is happiest to see you.
heh
Lame I know, but I’m down in the dumps too and that is all I can come up with. sorry
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Damn, I wanted to be commenter #333. Oh well.
Here’s my favorite all-time joke.
A woman walks into a Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors ice cream store and approaches the counter.
“May I help you?” Asks the Baskin Robbins employee.
“Yes, I’d like a scoop of chocolate on a cone, please.” replies the customer.
“I’m sorry,” replies the employee, “we do have 31 flavors but we’re currently out of chocolate. Can I get you something else?”
“Hmmmm,” thinks the customer out loud, “I guess I’ll have a scoop of chocolate in a cup then.”
The employee repeats, “I’m sorry… We’re OUT OF CHOCOLATE. Can I get you something else?”
“Oh dear.” replies the customer, “I guess I’ll have a chocolate milkshake, then.”
The employee sighs, looks at the customer for a second and then says, “You look like a smart lady. What do you do for a living?”
“Thank you!” replies the customer. “I’m a school teacher.”
“A school teacher?! Well, then I bet you’re an excellent speller.” exclaims the employee.
“Why, yes. I am an excellent speller.” replies the customer.
“Great! I bet you can spell “van” as in “vanilla”,” says the employee.
“V-A-N” replies the customer.
“Well done! And I bet you can spell “straw” as in “strawberry”,” says the employee.
“S-T-R-A-W” replies the customer.
“Excellent!” says the employee excitedly, “And I bet you can spell “Fuck” as in “Chocolate”.”
Looking confused, the customer looks up at the employee and says, “But, there’s no fuck in chocolate.”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!” shouts the employee.
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Just discovered your site today and expect to be a big fan.
I want to share with you a recent pun of the crude variety. I am a speech-language pathologist who works with adults (people with strokes, brain injuries, cancer, etc.) I have been working with this one charming yet crusty old guy recently. His adult sons attended therapy one day and marveled that I was able to get their dad to participate. One remarked that I must be a . . . “cunning linguist”!
Hope you feel better soon.
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Technically I already left a joke, but this is the first thing that has made me laugh out loud in weeks, so even if I am breaking the rules, I had to share the hilarity.
http://video.yahoo.com/network/100284668?v=3710199&l=4418225
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This one’s for you, Tanis, for all the times I laugh and say “Does this woman live in my house?”
Tanis visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Tanis stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?”
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Hope this one makes you smile!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of
the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We
have a
diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to delightful temperature. It
then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within
a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick
to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor
of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
>>Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my
>>job”. I
>>love my job……
>
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Okay jokes hmmm?
Here’s the only one I got. its rather long and I apologize
A family is on a train trip.
After a while the little boy goes up to his mom in the dining car and asks: “Mommy Big Dogs have little dogs, Big cats have little cats, so why can’t big trains have little trains?”
Mom looks a little embarassed and says “Well thats a good question son, why don’t you go find your father and ask him?”
So the little boy goes off and finds his father in the lounge, and repeats his question. “Daddy, Big dogs can have little dogs, big cats can have little cats, so why can’t big trains have little trains?”
Dad hems and haws for a moment before replying “Well son that is a wonderful question why don’t we go find the Conductor and ask him?”
Off they go until they find the conductor, and the little boy repeats his question. “Mr. Conductor, big dogs can have little dogs, big cats can have little cats, so why can’t big trains have little trains?”
The conductor thinks about it for a moment before winking at the father and replying to the little boy, “Well son, thats because the UP always pulls out on time.”
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No jokes but wanted to pop in and say “Hey!”
Seriously you make my day when I read your blog. Makes me laugh like an @ss!
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So, # 16 already posted the joke I had. What else have I got?
I only know kids jokes, so here goes.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Anyway, thanks for all the good reads.
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this is also my season of grief. I’m 26 years old and I’ve lost two babies..all in the space of a year..and no we don’t have a child..I’ve never given birth to a live child.
on the 23rd of this month, will be the year anniversary of my first baby dying at 10 weeks. I lost another one this past may at 28 weeks.
just know ill love ya if I don’t win…I’m just wanting to spread the jokes.
******************
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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Do you know why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Hope this finds you smiling…love your blog.
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So this probably isn’t as funny in Canada where you have that govt health insurance.. but it still makes me giggle…
A ninety-year-old woman goes to the doctor to get her physical. She is in terrific health and the doctor starts asking her questions about her life.
“Are you happily married?” the doctor asks.
“Yes, Harold and I have been together for 65 years.”
“Wow, that’s great. Do you still have intercourse?”
“I’m not sure” she replies, and then pokes her head out into the waiting room and shouts “Harold, do we still have intercourse or are with with Blue Cross now?”…
Hahahahha..
Ok. I really want that new iPod. =)
Hugs for you and your family at this difficult time.
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Knock Knock…
Who’s there?
Alaska….
Alaska Who?
Alaska if she can see Russia from her backyard
hehe
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I don’t have a joke but I do very much love reading your blog. I can’t wait to read your your latest entry and then make sure that my co-workers read it as well. And like you, October is my season of grief as well. I lost my first husband when I was six weeks pregnant. I think of those days as my black hole of time. Grief does not come with an owner’s manual and it was very hard to pick up the pieces of my life and fall in love with the life I carried inside of me.
What kept me going was a tiny spark of humor. That spark grew and grew until I could cope with daily living. Life does go on and time helps, but humor will always comfort me best. As it does for you as well. Humor is grief turned inside out.
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So I’m really not funny… but you sure have nice teeth… does that work? Please?
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WEll, here goes…
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lick-a-lota-puss
that’s the best I can do. Praying for peace.
Brandi N.
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“Call me Ishmael”
–first line of moby dick
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A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Can I get a beer please?” The barthened looks at him, shacking his head and says, “no, we don’t serve food here.”
yeah, lame lame lame.
hope you’re feeling a bit better soon.
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What’s invisible and smells like Carrots?
Bunny farts!!!!
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*Slightly wetting myself* There are some DAMN funny jokes here! freebies bring all the lurkers out don’t they and im no exception. Been following for a while but been too busy trying to hold my sides together from the belly chuckles to comment. Anyway bad jokes are my forte so I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to show off my talent
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, ‘You’re in charge of sweeping.’
To the Scotsman he says, ‘You’re in charge of shovelling.’
And to the Chinese guy, ‘You’re in charge of supplies.’
He then says, ‘Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.’
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, ‘Why didn’t you sweep any of it?’
The Italian replies, ‘I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.’
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, ‘And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.’
The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin’ him either.’
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy …Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
‘SUPPLIES!!’
HAHA BA BOOM!
So the Stick joke is one of my faves but has been well and truly worn out here. So…
Whats brown and smells funny?
Clown poo!
How do you catch a rabbit in the woods?
Hide behind a tree and make noises like a carrot
Whats yellow and hangs from trees?
Monkey spew
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ok, got another one:
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, Johnny’s hand shoots up.
“Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbour’s Rottweiler came around the corner,
and my cat arched his back and went “ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff!”
but before the cat could say “Fuck Off!” the dog ate him”
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Ok here goes: I’m funny — too bad looks aren’t everything. Ha ha ha!!!–my grandkids love this. And, I must add–pick me! pick me! pick me–p-l-e-a-s-e
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They tried to kiss in a dense fog. They mist.
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Found you on Facebook (and that’s NOT a joke!)
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Here is one I heard one night while bartending, i laughed so hard i spilled the drink I was pouring. I told my boyfriend the joke and now he tells it to me to see me giggle, it never fails…
A grasshopper walks into a bar,
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you”
and the grasshopper stares at him in awe and says…”you have a drink called Steeeve”….
so silly but it gets me every time.
Dark clouds must come in order for us to appreciate the sunshine when they pass. I hope you see the beauty soon.
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Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.” Adam decided to to his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
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The only joke I can think of right now:
What’s the worst thing about being an athiest?
No one to talk to when you cum!
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OK, I know it is now 90 minutes past the deadline but I figured you could use another laugh anyway. This isn’t a joke though; it actually happened a few years back while driving through the Okanagan with my two young daughters.
Annie (11 years old): Dad, can we play a game?
Me: Sure. Do you have an idea of which one?
Annie: Yeah, let’s play 20 questions.
Christine (9 years old): How do you play that?
Bzzz… bzzz…. bzzz (several minutes of explanations) bzzz… bzzz… bzzz
Me: OK choose a category: person, place or food.
Annie: A person.
Me: OK…. got one. Fire away with your first question.
Annie: Is this person a boy?
Me: Yes. Your turn now, Christine.
Christine: Is it Brad Pitt?
Annie: Christine!!
Christine: What’s wrong with that?
Me: It’s OK, it’s OK, no big deal. That’s a legitimate question. And no,it’s not Brad Pitt. Your turn Annie.
Annie: Is this person alive?
Me: Yes. Your turn Christine.
Christine: Is it Jesus?
Annie: Christine!!! He’s dead. You have to ask about someone who’s alive.
Christine: But he is alive.
Me: Christine, Jesus was a man but he really did die about two thousand years ago.
Christine: No he didn’t. We just passed a big sign that said “Jesus Lives”.
I damn near drove off the road I was laughing so hard.
Keep Happy. Only six more months until spring.
Andre
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whats the difference between pink and purple?
Grip
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Subject: The Newfie’s Diet
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60lbs!
Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my
instructions?
The Newfie nodded…’I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus, I
t’aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the fuckin’ skippin’
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When do monsters start their day?
Fright-fully early!!
Badump-bump.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
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I am probably too late for the IPOD drawing, but this one will still make you laugh (Sorry it’s long, but it’s worth it!):
An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”
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Shoot! I missed the contest cut-off because I spent too much time reading the jokes!
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Frick, I’m also a day late. Hope you get a good snicker none the less. Got this from my BFF this morning to start the day off right.
Aren’t you tired of those Sissy Friendship Poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You will see no cutesy little Smiley Faces here…
Just the stone cold Truth of our Great Friendship.
1. When you are sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey that’s jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are Blue — I will try to dislodge whatever’s choking you.
3. When you Smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you’re Scared — We will high tail it the heck outta there.
5. When you are Worried — I will tell you horrible stories ’bout how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya Big Baby!!!!
6. When you are Confused — I will use little bitty words.
7. When you are Sick — You can tell me how you caught it, but Stay Away from me until you are well again. I really don’t want Whatever you have.
8. When you Fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off…Again.
9. This is my oath. I Pledge it to The End.
‘Why?’ you may ask — because you are my FRIEND!
And Friendship is like
peeing your pants…
Everyone can See it but only You can feel its True Warmth.
Send this to 10 of your Closest Friends,
And try not to get depressed cuz you can
only think of 4.
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I’m a day late, but here it is anyway..
Have you seen moth balls?
No, its too hard to get their little legs apart.
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What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
At tooth hurty.
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I have a bruise on my arse the size of a Wunderbar, I’d be happy to send you a picture.
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It looks like I missed the cutoff. Here’s a funny one anyway. I think it’s from Garrison Kiellor.
There were 3 couples who wanted to get into the Baptist church. The pastor said fine, but we do have this requirement for new parishioners – you have to abstain from sex for two weeks. Think you can do that? Fine they said, we’ll try.
So they were gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks later they returned to him. He turned to the elderly couple.
“Were you able to uh, do what I asked?”
“Oh sure,” they said. “That was no problem. It didn’t bother us at all.”
He turned to the middle aged couple and he said, “Were you able to uh, you know, abstain.”
They said, “It wasn’t that hard the first week. But the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds, but yes, we got through the two weeks.”
“Fine,” he said. “Welcome to the Baptist church.”
He turned to the young couple. “Were you able to, uh,”
“Well, actually, Reverend,” the man said. “On the second day, my wife reached up for a light bulb off the top shelf and she dropped it and she broke it. She reached down to pick it up and I could not control myself. And we made love right there on the floor.”
“Well” the reverend said, “you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”
“I don’t care,” the man said. “We’re not welcome in the grocery store either.”
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I had a slump a few weeks back - vitamins have helped tremendously. Stress B Complex and Iron.
Turns out I wasn’t depressed, my poor little body just needed some love. Hey and at last you are still having sex! Us single moms just have to grin and bear it … so smile about that and I hope you feel better.
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Has a winner be declared??? If not, can it please be me??? Not only am I a single mom going without sex (see previous comment), I am also a single mom going without an iPod…equally sad…kind of.
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look, i’ll preface my sentiments on the bikini pic. with this statement… i would never intrude upon a marrage…
now, that bikini and cammo pants… they look good on you, but they would really look better on my bedroom floor…(if you were avaiable tanis)
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If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
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Why did the frog cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken!
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Ok from the halls of bad jokedome:
What do you call a psychic, escape-convince dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
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From the halls of bad jokedom:
What do you call a psychic,escape convict dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
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Hey Mama. I know this is a tough time of the year for you. Maybe this will help you smile.
What bird symbolizes freedom?
that’s right, the Eagle.
What bird symbolizes Love, even rhymes like it?
That’s right, the Dove.
What bird symbolizes TRUE love?
no clue?
the Swallow….
hahah, love that joke.
Chin up mama.
<3
Chell
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Ok, I’ve got no joke up my sleeve! How about I just say YOU ROCK!! Or I can tell you the knock knock my 4 year old told me yesterday..
Knock knock
Who’s there
A polar bear in his underwear
as he literally snorted orange juice out his nose. Then the tears started because lets face it that stuff burns!
BTW: I purposely waited to post this till I was sure you picked someone already didn’t want to finally post something on your blog and have it be for a hand out.
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What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.
I hope that made you smile, and I wish you well through this hard time. I know it never gets any easier.
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Being a former ‘Crackhead’ I can tell this joke and not feel bad… but if you aren’t a familiar with the life of a crackhead you might not get it… Oh well, here goes.
Why is Halloween a crackheads favourite holiday?
Cause there’s only two sleeps ’til Christmas!
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Here is some “poetry” I heard “read” on a NYC subway:
“What is the difference between meat and fish?
You can’t beat your fish.”
This was one of many gems the “poet” expounded on the passengers of the 2 Express train!
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I have no joke AND I already have an I-Pod, but I love and adore you. Plus, I feel really shitty today so I wanted to come and read all of these jokes.
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Honey, I don’t know if you will read this at this late date, but I hope so. It might make you smile. From your #1 Lesbian fan in Ithaca, NY:
Late one dark and rainy Halloween night a man was
walking home alone when he hears behind him …….
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
faster…
faster…
BUMP…
BUMP….
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However …
the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
clappity….
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
at the heels of the terrified man….
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom at the end of the hall, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps…
then …
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy,
anything …
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,
and…
the coffin stops.
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So I found another one. Sorry…couldn’t resist!
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, ‘Do you know what it is?’
‘No, I don’t,’ said the little boy.
‘Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants
from your Mom before he goes to work.’
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
‘Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!’
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I totally understand the season of grief. We lost Jadon in August 2005. I’m just pulling out of my bad season.
Hang tough.
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What did one tampon say to the other one?
Nothing…. they were both stuck up C@nts!!!!
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Geeze…you have alot of love out there my friend. I had to scroll down for like two hours to get to the leave a comment section. I found this today and thought you would like it. I know I laughed my ass off….
Waxing . . . .
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
(’Cold wax, yeah…right!’) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…..OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter……
‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
While