I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 19:45
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Can I get a beer please?” The barthened looks at him, shacking his head and says, “no, we don’t serve food here.”
yeah, lame lame lame.
hope you’re feeling a bit better soon.
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 20:03
What’s invisible and smells like Carrots?
Bunny farts!!!!
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 20:23
*Slightly wetting myself* There are some DAMN funny jokes here! freebies bring all the lurkers out don’t they and im no exception. Been following for a while but been too busy trying to hold my sides together from the belly chuckles to comment. Anyway bad jokes are my forte so I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to show off my talent
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, ‘You’re in charge of sweeping.’
To the Scotsman he says, ‘You’re in charge of shovelling.’
And to the Chinese guy, ‘You’re in charge of supplies.’
He then says, ‘Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.’
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, ‘Why didn’t you sweep any of it?’
The Italian replies, ‘I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.’
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, ‘And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.’
The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin’ him either.’
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy …Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
‘SUPPLIES!!’
HAHA BA BOOM!
So the Stick joke is one of my faves but has been well and truly worn out here. So…
Whats brown and smells funny?
Clown poo!
How do you catch a rabbit in the woods?
Hide behind a tree and make noises like a carrot
Whats yellow and hangs from trees?
Monkey spew
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 20:25
ok, got another one:
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, Johnny’s hand shoots up.
“Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbour’s Rottweiler came around the corner,
and my cat arched his back and went “ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff!”
but before the cat could say “Fuck Off!” the dog ate him”
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 20:30
Ok here goes: I’m funny — too bad looks aren’t everything. Ha ha ha!!!–my grandkids love this. And, I must add–pick me! pick me! pick me–p-l-e-a-s-e
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 20:33
They tried to kiss in a dense fog. They mist.
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 21:13
Found you on Facebook (and that’s NOT a joke!)
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 21:55
Here is one I heard one night while bartending, i laughed so hard i spilled the drink I was pouring. I told my boyfriend the joke and now he tells it to me to see me giggle, it never fails…
A grasshopper walks into a bar,
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you”
and the grasshopper stares at him in awe and says…”you have a drink called Steeeve”….
so silly but it gets me every time.
Dark clouds must come in order for us to appreciate the sunshine when they pass. I hope you see the beauty soon.
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 22:19
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.” Adam decided to to his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
Sunday, 19 October, 2008 at 22:40
The only joke I can think of right now:
What’s the worst thing about being an athiest?
No one to talk to when you cum!
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 0:46
OK, I know it is now 90 minutes past the deadline but I figured you could use another laugh anyway. This isn’t a joke though; it actually happened a few years back while driving through the Okanagan with my two young daughters.
Annie (11 years old): Dad, can we play a game?
Me: Sure. Do you have an idea of which one?
Annie: Yeah, let’s play 20 questions.
Christine (9 years old): How do you play that?
Bzzz… bzzz…. bzzz (several minutes of explanations) bzzz… bzzz… bzzz
Me: OK choose a category: person, place or food.
Annie: A person.
Me: OK…. got one. Fire away with your first question.
Annie: Is this person a boy?
Me: Yes. Your turn now, Christine.
Christine: Is it Brad Pitt?
Annie: Christine!!
Christine: What’s wrong with that?
Me: It’s OK, it’s OK, no big deal. That’s a legitimate question. And no,it’s not Brad Pitt. Your turn Annie.
Annie: Is this person alive?
Me: Yes. Your turn Christine.
Christine: Is it Jesus?
Annie: Christine!!! He’s dead. You have to ask about someone who’s alive.
Christine: But he is alive.
Me: Christine, Jesus was a man but he really did die about two thousand years ago.
Christine: No he didn’t. We just passed a big sign that said “Jesus Lives”.
I damn near drove off the road I was laughing so hard.
Keep Happy. Only six more months until spring.
Andre
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 2:43
whats the difference between pink and purple?
Grip
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 6:05
Subject: The Newfie’s Diet
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60lbs!
Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my
instructions?
The Newfie nodded…’I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus, I
t’aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the fuckin’ skippin’
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 8:46
When do monsters start their day?
Fright-fully early!!
Badump-bump.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 9:24
I am probably too late for the IPOD drawing, but this one will still make you laugh (Sorry it’s long, but it’s worth it!):
An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 10:25
Shoot! I missed the contest cut-off because I spent too much time reading the jokes!
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 14:57
Frick, I’m also a day late. Hope you get a good snicker none the less. Got this from my BFF this morning to start the day off right.
Aren’t you tired of those Sissy Friendship Poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You will see no cutesy little Smiley Faces here…
Just the stone cold Truth of our Great Friendship.
1. When you are sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey that’s jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are Blue — I will try to dislodge whatever’s choking you.
3. When you Smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you’re Scared — We will high tail it the heck outta there.
5. When you are Worried — I will tell you horrible stories ’bout how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya Big Baby!!!!
6. When you are Confused — I will use little bitty words.
7. When you are Sick — You can tell me how you caught it, but Stay Away from me until you are well again. I really don’t want Whatever you have.
8. When you Fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off…Again.
9. This is my oath. I Pledge it to The End.
‘Why?’ you may ask — because you are my FRIEND!
And Friendship is like
peeing your pants…
Everyone can See it but only You can feel its True Warmth.
Send this to 10 of your Closest Friends,
And try not to get depressed cuz you can
only think of 4.
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 15:33
I’m a day late, but here it is anyway..
Have you seen moth balls?
No, its too hard to get their little legs apart.
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 19:46
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
At tooth hurty.
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 19:51
I have a bruise on my arse the size of a Wunderbar, I’d be happy to send you a picture.
Monday, 20 October, 2008 at 20:18
It looks like I missed the cutoff. Here’s a funny one anyway. I think it’s from Garrison Kiellor.
There were 3 couples who wanted to get into the Baptist church. The pastor said fine, but we do have this requirement for new parishioners – you have to abstain from sex for two weeks. Think you can do that? Fine they said, we’ll try.
So they were gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks later they returned to him. He turned to the elderly couple.
“Were you able to uh, do what I asked?”
“Oh sure,” they said. “That was no problem. It didn’t bother us at all.”
He turned to the middle aged couple and he said, “Were you able to uh, you know, abstain.”
They said, “It wasn’t that hard the first week. But the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds, but yes, we got through the two weeks.”
“Fine,” he said. “Welcome to the Baptist church.”
He turned to the young couple. “Were you able to, uh,”
“Well, actually, Reverend,” the man said. “On the second day, my wife reached up for a light bulb off the top shelf and she dropped it and she broke it. She reached down to pick it up and I could not control myself. And we made love right there on the floor.”
“Well” the reverend said, “you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”
“I don’t care,” the man said. “We’re not welcome in the grocery store either.”
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 8:39
I had a slump a few weeks back – vitamins have helped tremendously. Stress B Complex and Iron.
Turns out I wasn’t depressed, my poor little body just needed some love. Hey and at last you are still having sex! Us single moms just have to grin and bear it … so smile about that and I hope you feel better.
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 8:43
Has a winner be declared??? If not, can it please be me??? Not only am I a single mom going without sex (see previous comment), I am also a single mom going without an iPod…equally sad…kind of.
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 9:33
look, i’ll preface my sentiments on the bikini pic. with this statement… i would never intrude upon a marrage…
now, that bikini and cammo pants… they look good on you, but they would really look better on my bedroom floor…(if you were avaiable tanis)
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 10:55
If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 12:17
Why did the frog cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken!
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 12:22
Ok from the halls of bad jokedome:
What do you call a psychic, escape-convince dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 12:23
From the halls of bad jokedom:
What do you call a psychic,escape convict dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 18:29
Hey Mama. I know this is a tough time of the year for you. Maybe this will help you smile.
What bird symbolizes freedom?
that’s right, the Eagle.
What bird symbolizes Love, even rhymes like it?
That’s right, the Dove.
What bird symbolizes TRUE love?
no clue?
the Swallow….
hahah, love that joke.
Chin up mama.
<3
Chell
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 19:08
Ok, I’ve got no joke up my sleeve! How about I just say YOU ROCK!! Or I can tell you the knock knock my 4 year old told me yesterday..
Knock knock
Who’s there
A polar bear in his underwear
as he literally snorted orange juice out his nose. Then the tears started because lets face it that stuff burns!
BTW: I purposely waited to post this till I was sure you picked someone already didn’t want to finally post something on your blog and have it be for a hand out.
Tuesday, 21 October, 2008 at 21:35
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.
I hope that made you smile, and I wish you well through this hard time. I know it never gets any easier.
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 7:10
Being a former ‘Crackhead’ I can tell this joke and not feel bad… but if you aren’t a familiar with the life of a crackhead you might not get it… Oh well, here goes.
Why is Halloween a crackheads favourite holiday?
Cause there’s only two sleeps ’til Christmas!
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 7:11
Here is some “poetry” I heard “read” on a NYC subway:
“What is the difference between meat and fish?
You can’t beat your fish.”
This was one of many gems the “poet” expounded on the passengers of the 2 Express train!
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 11:12
I have no joke AND I already have an I-Pod, but I love and adore you. Plus, I feel really shitty today so I wanted to come and read all of these jokes.
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 11:24
Honey, I don’t know if you will read this at this late date, but I hope so. It might make you smile. From your #1 Lesbian fan in Ithaca, NY:
Late one dark and rainy Halloween night a man was
walking home alone when he hears behind him …….
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
faster…
faster…
BUMP…
BUMP….
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However …
the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
clappity….
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
at the heels of the terrified man….
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom at the end of the hall, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps…
then …
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy,
anything …
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,
and…
the coffin stops.
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 13:54
So I found another one. Sorry…couldn’t resist!
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, ‘Do you know what it is?’
‘No, I don’t,’ said the little boy.
‘Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants
from your Mom before he goes to work.’
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
‘Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!’
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 14:04
I totally understand the season of grief. We lost Jadon in August 2005. I’m just pulling out of my bad season.
Hang tough.
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 at 18:31
What did one tampon say to the other one?
Nothing…. they were both stuck up C@nts!!!!
Thursday, 23 October, 2008 at 0:32
Geeze…you have alot of love out there my friend. I had to scroll down for like two hours to get to the leave a comment section. I found this today and thought you would like it. I know I laughed my ass off….
Waxing . . . .
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
(‘Cold wax, yeah…right!’) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…..OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter……
‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and….OMG!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
‘IT WORKS!! It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair….
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color…
Tuesday, 28 October, 2008 at 10:10
Been reading your blog for a while now……first time commenting. You will be ok Tanis…..live your life and love your family. You will honour your Bug in the best way if you do those things.
Anyways, here is my joke…..
Man comes home from work, opens the door and says,”Honey! Pack your bags, we won the lottery!”
Wife replies, ” Oh my God! That’s amazing! Where are we going?!”
Man yells back,”I have no idea….just get the F&%K out!”
Hope that brightens your day Tanis
Tuesday, 28 October, 2008 at 11:13
Compliment (and I didn’t even have to make it up): You’re totally a part of my joy every day… the days you post at least; you’re high on my blogger crush-o-meter.
Joke: If you’re American when you’re working and you’re Canadian when you’re sleeping what are you when you’re in the bathroom? (Say it out loud with me now…) European.