*Warning: This post contains graphic language and may not be suitable for any one with a heart condition, a stick up their rectum or is in any way related to my husband. Read at your own risk.*
Dear husband,
While I love you deeply and deeper with every breath I draw (for reasons that just don’t include your weekly ability to pad my pockets and line our bank account or the fact you have a rock hard ass that every woman should be able to ogle just once in their life for the sheer eye-orgy it provides) I need to tell you something.
Something you may not want to hear.
But first I need you to know that you are a fantastic husband. You work your tail off to support your family, you chase our kids around and make them squeal with laughter and you have been known to do the dishes or vacuum without me ever asking you to.
I couldn’t ask for a better life partner to snuggle up to at night. You even let me stick my icy cold feet in between your deliciously warm legs to heat up my toes and you never complain. That right there is a demonstration of love. True love.
So when you come home after being gone for weeks at a time and want nothing more than to pour yourself a stiff drink, sit on your couch, watch your wide screen t.v, and have your children rub your feet as your wife whispers sweet promises of action yet to come, I don’t begrudge you.
In fact, I’ll even get you a refill on that drink while making sure to show off my cleavage in front of you as I bend over to get the ice cubes out of the freezer.
I’m not above using my chesticles to show you how much I love you.
And when you come in to the bedroom after being gone for weeks and weeks and ask me to rub the knots out of your shoulders, I willingly oblige. Because I know how hard you work for us.
I may even use that back rub as the starting point to rub other things, if you know what I mean. (Waggles eyebrows suggestively.)
Which brings me to the meat of the matter.
Your meat.
Specifically, what happens to your man meat when you are drinking and I am not.
In other words, whiskey dick. Defined as what happens to a penis when a man consumes large amounts of liquor and is unable to ejaculate in a time effective and/or romantic manner.
Boo, nobody questions your ability as a lover. One look at my goofy grin and people know right away that I’m a happily satisfied woman.
So there is no need to prove you can out beat the Energizer Bunny. Sex is not an endurance sport. I’m getting older. I spend my day chasing children and small dogs. I’m tired. Sex to me means get in, get off and get out.
I realize I poured you that last drink, but I swear if I had known it would vault you into the Olympic trials for love making, I would have switched you to soda and slapped on that slinky outfit you like a whole lot sooner.
You may not know this but when I say “Are you finished yet?” with a slightly annoyed tone to my voice it’s because I’ve well, come and gone and am ready for sleep.
“Are you close yet?” is not code for “Please keep pounding away at my sensitive nether regions until it feels like raw hamburger and eventually goes numb.”
Nor does it mean, “A little longer and I’ll be right there for Orgasm number 9.”
No. It means “hurry the hell up you nimrod and do what you need to do because if this goes on much longer I’m going to rip off your dick and stick it down your throat while I go soak in a tub of hot water.”
I am not a porn star. While I am extremely bendy and have been known to go above and beyond the call of duty to bring a sparkle to your eye, chances are I’m not going to have multiple orgasms just because you are pounding away at me like a jackhammer.
I know you know this already. I realize your common sense is being held hostage by Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels and your penis is merely a pawn in the war whiskey wages on your libido.
But don’t be a dick and think that whiskey dick of yours is something to be worshipped upon.
Consider this a public message for when you come home next.
Whiskey dick won’t get you to the promised land. That I promise you.
But it will get you a trip to the bathroom with a tube sock and some lotion while I slumber on peacefully.
So next time either get me good and hammered with you, love or just stick to root beer.
It’ll be much easier for both of us.
Sincerely,
Your loving wife.
110 Comments
My husband has been in Texas rebuilding the power grid since September 13th. He comes home next week. Thank you for sharing this story. It’s helping me to prepare for his arrival!
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Who uses a tube sock? Ew!
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bwahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
sing it sistah! Love the new look.
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pffffft! I just spit my tea across the desk. LOVE IT!
As for the tube socks… I remember going to friend’s apartment back when i was in college… and was warned.. if you see a sock on the floor.. don’t touch it. Now that’s eeeeeeeeew!
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You don’t mind if I print this out and give it to my own husband, do you?
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Thank you for posting this very necessary public service announcement. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get my HUSBAND to read it..
Do you think pulling up the link on the computer in his office is too subtle?
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Boo, I will NEVER be able to talk to you again. EVER.
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Heh, I have no idea what you’re talking about… Oh I’m so full of it. I’m sending this to SB.
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Chesticles!! That’s my new word. Thanks.
Sorry I didn’t mean to laugh. Great post. I’ll have to share this with my man.
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OMG, how funny! I loved reading this. I laughed out loud here at work!
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All the women of the world say “AMEN” LMAO
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Oh, so many nights I’ve attempted to explain this to Hubby. I was so afraid I was the only one afflicted. Thank you, thank you, Tanis, for shedding light on this most sticky of dark secrets. hehe
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good god, can i relate to this post.
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I thought I was the only one who sometimes can’t wait for my man to just cum already…..Sometimes
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I’m so confused. … In the world I inhabit — a place called “mediocre,” evidently — whiskey dick has the exact opposite effect.
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“Get in, get off, get out.” hehehehe
I’m laughing at my new motto. Every girl needs these words from time to time! THANK YOU!!! hehe
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Too Much Information is why I love you. You say the things I’d like to say, but never would. And I definitely couldn’t say it any funnier than you…or even nearly as funny as you.
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Ho-lee-fuck, I haven’t laughed that hard at something I am no doubt guilty of myself in I don’t know how long. Fraking brilliant.
You see what I did? Yeah, I went there. Prove me wrong yo.
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I like how you capitalized orgasm. Heh.
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There’s another kind of whiskey dick.
It’s when you want to BE that energizer bunny but you’re carrying a full load (kind of like college) so you unload a few “sessions”.
And, suddenly, the engine sputters.
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I really had no idea that this was such a common problem. Alcohol just puts me to sleep. I was sure that was going to be the problem in this post. Maybe I need to drink whiskey.
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i love you. i love you i love you i LOVE you. i could never post this. i’m going to set this as my boyfriend’s homepage, though.
maybe.
i love you.
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I honestly never knew that is what the problem was when he drank whisky(wish I new this prior to the split), but you made me laugh so hard and put a smile on my face.
Thanks!!!
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Oh this is good, and I am sadly familiar with this affliction. A good indication that I am good and done with this whole “sex” thing, is that I’m whispering things in his ear that would make a porn star blush. See, I’ve found that guys get it over with faster the dirtier I talk, so by the time I’m describing in detail what exaclty you’re doing to me, I’m well past the point of enjoying myself.
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Oh I know whiskey dick!!! Yes, I unfortunately do. Briefcase gets home on Monday after being gone most of the last 6 weeks. Thanks for reminding me to hide the alcohol. Or meet him at the door naked and THEN pour him a drink after we’ve played around. Your commenters are saying this post is funny … but it’s my REALITY. What’s so funny about THAT?! Ha!
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Around here, whiskey dick is when a guy can’t finish or goes limp. How interesting the dialogue differences between regions!
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WOW sounds just like how I felt about my EX husband…. Except the signed your loving wife part.. Very Funny post!!
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Holy cow, after posting this for the whole world, you might not ever get laid again. either way you won’t have to worry about whiskey dick any more.
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One of the reasons I’m glad iPastor doesn’t drink much anymore…
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*Sigh*
We spend our teens and early 20’s trying our hardest (hee-hee, I wrote hardest) to last just a little bit longer, and now that we’ve conquered that one, we find out about this…
Apparently, given the enthusiastic support you’ve received in the comments, this is common…I’ll have to ask the Swede about it tonight…
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And here I was thinking that my dude was weird because he did this instead of just taking 5 minutes and then going to sleep. He goes on so long my freakin’ hips start to cramp up! I think I may do what the other ladies above are gonna do: not so discreetly leave this page up on his computer.
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sex is so confusing for us men
that’s why we drink whiskey!
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I’m going to have this post framed AFTER I show it to my husband. He probably won’t laugh like I did, but he’ll appreciate the irony.
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OMG I am laughing so hard I swear if it weren’t that I was well practiced with kegels I’d be peeing my pants.
Your blog title is true to form, but holy hell what a blast!!
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Attention Men: Read this post!!!!!!!
My god, thank you for the PSA, I hope that it will help you and me and all the other wives out there who suffer like we do!
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Reminds me of a friend of mine who declared: “Don’t even THINK of coming near me with a rum hard on.”
Or the Newfoundland woman who said: “I gives him twenty ups and twenty downs and that’s IT.”
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OMG! Thank you for the public service announcement. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who finds myself in this situation!
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This is so fantastic. The fact that they can never decode the, “Are you close yet?” question couldn’t be more dead on.
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We just can’t win.
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That’s strange… I think I get that without the whiskey. Not that I’m bragging.
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certain medications have the same effect…and I’m not talking about a man pill like Viagra.
Way to lay it out there, girlfriend.
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I hate that! And when you’re very bendy, they want you bent in crazy ways the whole time! Can’t they understand that your hips, and joints, and muscles start to hurt? Especially *those* muscles. I’ve started feigning sleep as soon as he starts drinking. lol.
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OMG well said! Unfortunately at our humble abode we are both in the whiskey dick mode and it really isn’t so much fun then - for either of us. I think. I could be wrong. No one ever remembers. Either way it was an awesome post
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OMG fucking hilarious!!
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I can remember those times, and I just quit and say we’re done…I understand…..I remember…
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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Great. My husband is at the damn hockey game with a flask. I’m screwed. Literally.
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LMAO!!!!
What IS it about men and tube socks?
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BWAAHAHAHAHAAA! I am SO leaving this open on our computer to be ‘accidentally’ ready by my darling husband.
i’m weeping, that was so hysterical.
xo
b.
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Hey, I think Whiskey Dick was the frontman for Los Carnitas Locos, a cowboy-punk band from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. I’ll check my CD collection and get back to you!
(And yeah, that was a bit on the info overload side…but funny)
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*clapping*
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*snort* Way to take one for the team! I could have written this myneownself!
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Seriously who uses socks. Paper towels work even better. Bounty. The quicker picker-upper. Very absorbent.
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That is tooooo funny. But, I hate to say this, but I wonder what my husband thinks of me when I am a little (alright, sloppy) drunk and we get it on? Oh, that’s right….. he is a man…. thrilling in any way, shape or form….
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ah yes, also known as coke dick
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Hahahahaha, your poor husband’s gonna end up with a complex!
Maybe it’s ’cause I’m a young’n but I love the Energizer Bunny sessions. They’re always something to treasure, ’cause we usually have to hurry.
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I always thought alcohol had the opposite effect - referred to in our neck of the woods as “brewer’s droop”. Maybe it was the beer. Heh.
Love Witchypoo’s comment of the Newfoundland woman - “I gives him 20 ups and 20 downs and that’s IT!”
Very funny post, T.
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This would be hilarious if I couldn’t totally relate…
Jeesh.
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*gigglesnort* so so true. brava for going there!
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Whiskey River, take my mind.
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Hurts. to. laugh.
So true, T ~ so very, very true.
Like someone above, I also talk verrrrry dirty when the hubs goes on too long for me.
Works like a charm and I usually get him finished before I’m walking funny. 
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I am now in love with you.
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Yikes. How true it is. And here’s the terrible secret of whiskey dick: most men, while they’re drunk and bouncing around on top of their patient partners, are amazed at their alcohol-induced stamina and covertly congratulating themselves. We don’t know, especially after a certain period of marriage, that efficiency trumps longevity.
And here’s the saddst truth: we will never figure it out. Even after reading this. For shame, us.
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Holy SHIT! It is 4 AM and I have no idea how my husband and kids slept through my laughter, crap girl, you crack me up!
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In our house, “whiskey dick” is completely the opposite. Either definition, it’s not very amusing.
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All in favor say I, “I!”, Ok, motion adjourned!
Seriously, when I sent that email yesterday saying, “It hurts when I wipe or sit down!”, it was in NO way,shape,fashion, or form a “Thank you for pounding my pink parts longer and harder than a freshly released life sentence prisoner let out a little early for good behavior!”. I was TRYING my hardest to NOT sound like an ungrateful bitch for the action, but simply telling him that I was less than pleased with my sitting down abilities because HE felt it necessary to “tear it up” in the more literal sense. So, “That means I did my job! =) You’re welcome!” was NOT the reply I was looking for. I would *almost* rather get wrong holed than have to sit on an ice pack while I fold the laundry the day after all because he wanted to prove his manliness!!! Maybe back when we were teenagers, and I was all about the long haul, but after I have chased a 9 yr old & a crying-all-day-everyday-for-the-last-week-and-a-half 2 yr old ALL while preforming every other Suzy Homemaker task required for me to sit at home while he brings home the bread, all I REALLY want is to hurry up and get to that sweet blessed part of snuggling AFTER! Hell, I’ll even blow bubbles if it means we can be done in the same time it takes Domino’s to deliver a pizza! In 11 yrs of being the picture perfect lady in the street, freak in the sheets, a quickie is more than enough to satisfy & reassure me of his love and lust OF me! And he wonders why I never let him play in the back yard…
Has anyone seen that episode of the Dave Chappelle show where they are advertising the “Wrap It Up” Box? I SO want one of those!
Tanis - GIRL, I SO feel your pain! Emotionally AND physically! And I wasn’t even dealing with “liquor dick”!
PS - Thank you for letting me say all this on your page, if I EVER blogged about it on my OWN page, it would surely spark WW3 and I would never ever hear the end of it! We all know how they can so easily get their man panties in a wad!
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What an amateur!
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I am now sitting here wondering if there is a tactful way to share this with my boyfriend… hmmm… Because the thing that you point out most eloquently is that we LOOOOOVE the action in the bedroom, guys, just not when it takes hours! Thanks for having the balls, if you will, to say what we’ve all been struggling to express to our significant others!
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Oh lord…I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time….and ohhhh how true…unfortunately…my lovely husband has more of that problem when he’s sober…and one he’s packed away a couple of drinks….it’s like someone in desperate need of Viagra….I think I’d rather have your problem….sigh……
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OMG. This reminds me of my 2.5 hour New Year’s marathon with the hubs where I got up and my knees buckled and I ended up in the floor. Damn man tried to kill me. And that sexy breathing thing in your ear does not happen after about 20 minutes before we hyperventilate. Just so you guys know.
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That should so be in the man handbook.
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Thank you. For making me laugh my ass off at 10:30 in the morning on a Saturday, while at work.
I’m thankful that my mom (of all people) sent me the link to your blog. I look forward to reading through the archives.
~Monica~
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I should just cut and paste this into an e-mail for my husband…
thanks for saving me some time!
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Oh, Tanis. I love how honest you are. You never fail to crack me up, my dear.
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I have to thank my friend for point me in your direction…I can’t say that I personally have been in that situation, but I can see how ultimately that could be a problem…LOL. Hilarious as always…
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I just remembered a funny joke thinking about this all day…
A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his hotel room where they sit down and pour a round of drinks. They begin talking and eventually get around to discussing business. The hooker starts out saying she is one of the best in town, a legend even, and charges $1,000 an hour for “services rendered”. Well, the man thinking about how much cash he had on him and how terribly long it had been since he had seen any action, he starts to negotiate. He tells her he only has $400 on him and had not really planned on spending that much to start. Respectfully she offers him a discount at $650 and after going back and forth a few minutes they eventually settle on $500, though the man REALLY feels it is a high price. The hooker goes into the bathroom to get more comfortable and comes out to find the man up on the bed feverishly jacking off. A bit surprised, she asked “What the hell are you doing?” To which he replied, “Bitch, for $500 you ain’t gett’n the easy one!”
I thought some of ya’ll would enjoy that! Who doesn’t love a good dirty joke?
While I’m at it… This is one of Hubby’s favorite jokes of all time:
Q:What’s black & blue and doesn’t like sex?
A: The bitch tied up in the back of my trunk!
He has a very “special” sense of humor…and I get to live with it ALL THE TIME.
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Okay…so it’s been ages since I’ve click over here and I feel awful about that. I just wanted to say I love the new blog design!
Also, while it was TMI, it was funny and somewhat familiar. I’m sort of embarrassed to say that!
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As a guy, I have to say that nothing like this has ever happened to me.
That said, replace the word “whiskey” with the phrase “California-sanctioned medicinal marijuana”…
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oh, so true, so true. PS you are soooo being linked in a blog coming up. If you are violently opposed, speak now!!
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Omigosh, I am laughing so hard, I can barely type. When I can breathe again, I’m showing this to my husband. Thanks for sharing!
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Oh dear Lord i thought I was the only one! Only thing is…my man doesn’t drink. Just sometimes he goes and goes and goes. I once nearly fell asleep…not so great.
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Amen, sista! Let me print out a copy of this for my husband. Wait. He knows this, I’ve told him. He just doesn’t understand.
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OH.MY. That was too funny. I, myself feel the same way sometimes. ROFLMFAO!! Really I understand!!
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LOL - you definitely deserve a ROFL Award for this one… that cracks me up (although not so much when I’m experiencing it myself) Thank goodness hubs rarely drinks anymore! He’s a good little cop
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Jim Beam or Jack Daniels?
Just asking…for a friend…
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:O Mwahahaha! You HAVE to blog about his reaction to it!
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Amen.
For some reason, my husband did NOT think this was funny when I showed it to him…
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There have been nights I’ve prayed for my husband to have a drink, especially on those nights I see him lacing up the trainers for the sexy marathon. Apparently, I should amend my prayer!
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THANK YOU!
The spouse and I discussed this very topic two weeks ago because omg — sex should never, ever last that long.
Amen, sister. Amen.
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OH MAH HOLY HELL. You were in my bedroom last night!!!!
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I just popped over from Amelia Bedelia’s blog and I’m so glad I did!! This had me laughing hysterically out loud! I will forever remember the endearing terms “Chesticles and Whiskey Dick!”
Thanks - I needed a good laugh!
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Buahahahaaaaaa!
Oh man … been there, done that.
You crack me up.
Hope all is well. I know I haven’t been around much lately.
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Thanks for having the guts to say what many of us women are often thinking. I do wish I had the guts to say the same aloud. Does Boo read this and if so how has he responded?
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Thank you for this very important PSA.
Will it be playing during Monday Night Football, or should I just email your post to my husband?
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LMAO… I think I will print this out and tuck in my husband’s wallet. Just a reminder for his next night out with the boys.
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This is one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time. I had never heard it called that but my husband was afflicted with it the other night. Now I know the proper term for it.
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While I don’t think I have ever been the 96th poster to any blog before, I will say that the anxiety meds I am on have given me that same codition without the help of ol’ Jack.
Not too much fun on this end either when sober.
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My cousin once asked me what a Calgary girl says before gettin’ it on with the guy she met at the bar?
Get it up, get it in, get it out, don’t mess my hair doooo (sang to the tune of the Bonanza theme song)…
It could be your new Whiskey Dick song. I know I’ve used it on occasion!
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Holy crap! lmao!
Uh…yeah…not so much, when he has rubbed me raw and then wonders why i am walking funny and trying to heal FOR THE NEXT TWO FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!
Let’s get it on like bunnies and expend the energy,end in a mutual explosion…but please please please…let’s not make it a friggin’ marathon? Umk?
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BWA!
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Can’t thank you enough for the public service announcement to all our husbands - I’m totally printing this one out and laying it on Hubby’s pillow tonight!
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Nicely said.
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I seriously just got in trouble for laughing too loud at work.
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OMG! We must be twins living separate lives, accept I can’t write about it in my blog. Too many family spies. Thank you for a clear and exacting explanation of this situation. Seriously, I have been in your, uhum,…position. Beer dick is no better.
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And Hubby has the nerve to complain that his love stick is a bit painful the next day. heh.
anyways, i have (and still am) reminding him… Either we go at it BEFORE you drink or we’ll be doing it the DAY AFTER.
i had a blast reading your post btw xD just couldn’t stop laughing
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Thank you, I laughed hard. And ! will remember your PSA forever.
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that was AWESOME!!!!!
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its about time someone said what REALLY happens when men get wasted!!!!!
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Wow!!! As a man and husband that doesn’t drink I found this an eye opener and a bit sorrowful. Perhaps guilty of the apparent torture I have put my wife through. Giver her a hug and a kiss before work and sleep, but other than that, put the sex drive in the trash, it’s now wanted or needed anymore.
Thanks to your help, I’ve since apologized to my wife. She told me she does not feel that way, however I suspect that was just nice talk to try to make me feel better. It’s a cruel thing, God not turning off the desire of both spouses at the same time.
As I said, I don’t drink but boy after reading your post I’m almost drive to it.
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Man, we can’t win no matter what we do! It’s been beat into our heads for as long as most of us can remember that the ultimate sin is to finish early, and now between the comments section and the OP, I’m hearing that we last too long?! Oy vey…
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Heh. Fortunately for me, on those nights, my man just accepts that he can’t finish and gets his in the morning. ;D
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