Back in the day, Boo and I had libidos like two loved-starved bunnies in heat. We were that obnoxious couple, always touching, kissing and making those disgusting goo-goo eyes at one another from across the room. Ya. You know the ones. The ones you always wanted to slap.
We drew the line at graphic public displays of affection because although my brain was addled with pheromones and drunk on love, my common sense was shrieking like a monkey in a cage, effectively prohibiting us from flagrantly disregarding public indecency laws and going at like two amateur porn stars in the supermarket.
Thank God for common sense.
Over the years our libidos have dampened a bit. The pheromones that used to have us in a choke hold have evaporated into the mist of life and the raging inferno of passion that once singed our very souls is now a distant memory. Our passion mostly resembles white-hot embers now. It takes some kindling and a good gust of wind to get that fire raging out of control once again.
In other words, time, children and probably the extra forty pounds between the two of us has made us lazy geriatric lackadaisical lovers. We’d much rather sleep than swing from the sex swing hidden in the back of our closet.
I’m not going to feed you that bull that even though we no longer fornicate as often as we once did our love has grown even stronger and deeper and when we do make love the world still shakes, just shakes a little quieter.
It has, it does.
But f*ck, sex is work now. Between making sure the kids aren’t around, the legs are shaved, deodorant has been applied and we’ve each had eight hours of sleep it’s a wonder either one of us ever sees any action.
Not to mention there was once a time we could go at in the shower or on the kitchen counter and be oblivious to everything but the intensity of our love; now if we try that I can’t get past the feeling of the cold counter against my ass cheeks and he whines about pulling a muscle.
It sucks getting older.
All of that said Boo and I aren’t that old. Neither one of us are sporting grey in the pubic regions nor do we qualify for the seniors discount at the local theatre. Occasionally, in a nod to our youth, we like to kick it up a notch and get frisky like two horny teens after the prom.
Generally there is large quantities of alcohol consumed and much whining about sore muscles, bad backs and hangovers the day after. Still. We get it done. Old school style.
There may or may not have been a recent romp not so long ago that involved my vehicle, a folded down back seat, a starry country sky and some sexy music on the stereo. There may or may not have been some cursing about bumped knees, gear shifts getting in the way and general mutterings about how we are too damn old for crap like this.
A lady never tells.
But a lady with two preteen children who think money grows on trees, a lady who is trying to instill a work ethic in said preteens so they don’t turn out to be pathetic useless bums when they get older, well that lady may send her children out to clean said vehicle in order to earn a few dollars and learn a valuable lesson about hard work and equitable pay.
Said lady may or may not have had a stale french fry stuck to a butt cheek at one point and was tired of her vehicle containing more trash than the local landfill.
What said lady was not prepared for was when her children came in after detailing her car for the hefty sum of five bucks a piece (child labour laws bedamned) was when her children, oh so young and innocent children looked at her in puzzlement and asked:
“Mom? Why are there boot prints on the ceiling of your car?”
At least said lady remembered to grab her undergarments which may or may not have been hanging from the rear view mirror.
Said lady would have had a pickle of a time explaining that to her young ones. As it is, this lady has learned a valuable lesson from all of this.
Remember to take off one’s boots the next time the urge to re-enact one’s younger years knocks on my one’s libido. Apparently age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Until after the fact.
***Another blogger had a little fun at my expense last night. I’m torn between laughter and mortification and I’m not sure I’ll ever answer the phone again. However, I can promise the blog world and Adam himself, that revenge will be had. When he least expects it.***
59 Comments
Couldn’t you just say that “Daddy wanted to see if I could drive while standing on my head?”
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I told you that you’d be able to help me with my writer’s block, even if our actual phone conversation didn’t yield any surprising results.
If it helps, I had the weirdest dream after we spoke about you and Backpacking Dad decorating my bedroom while I slept.
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thank you for the words of wisdom. We have currently taken to trying to hide and yet, did you know that a barbie hand can be used by a 4 yr old to unlock a door and interrupt some parental time?
Oh yes, it can.
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My husband and I don’t even ever DRIVE in the same car at the same time. Color me impressed.
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So why *were* there bootprints on your car roof?
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Ha! Made me laugh!
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lol.. I’m with Jenny… trying to figure out the logistics of the bootprints…
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It’s worse if you let your mom in the car. This is a lesson you couldn’t save me from.
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The boot prints were there because Mommy had to do a handstand to find her keys she dropped.
Kids will believe anything.
We tried in the shower of our minature state room on the cruise last year.
It didn’t work. I’m kind of glad I don’t have to try and bend into those shapes now….good ol’ bed after a shower, after a shave, after deoderant and after the good TV shows for me.
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We have resorted to the carport and the screened front porch. That way there are no boot prints on ceilings and panties on mirrors - however I am pretty sure I know why the neighbors don’t talk to us anymore.
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Damn girl…you must be limber. Impressive!!
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Our lovemaking always hits a language barrier snag.
Ana says “Where’s the lub?”
The what?
The lub.
The she pulls the bottle out from under the bed.
Oh, the lube.
Yes, the lub. What did you think I said?
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i guess you weren’t lying when you said you were bendy, eh?
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I’m just in awe of your libido!
Boot prints on the ceiling of the car? You’re my hero.
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Hear you on the libido dampening over the years. My age doesn’t seem to be helping either.
And, LOL @ the boot prints. Whoa.
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Some days, foreplay involves a few deep knee bends (but not the kind that would result in knee things) and still getting the inevitable charley horse, but cardio is good for those of us who are getting up there in the golden years.
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Extra fizzy coke is even better for clogged sinuses that any over,under, or behind the counter cold meds I could ever pay money for! Thank you Tanis for saving me another trip to the drug store!
Oh, and we marked “in the shower” off the list a looooong time ago, apparently ceramic soap holders do NOT make good stirrups in the heat of passion, and that shit is sharp when your bare, wet leg flies down it following the part you WERE using for traction!
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So I hope you learned a lesson to never answer the phone while having sex in you SUV.Cause after reading Aviatable’s post that must have been when he called you.I can’t wait to see the payback.
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The Man & I were on the side of the road one evening, enjoying the roadside activity of similar nature, when my friend sent a txt saying she was driving to a ranch & saw “a cow getting her some bull.” We laughed about that & now use that as reference terms for gettin’ busy…
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You might like this…
http://monstermash40.blogspot.com/2008/09/2-for-2.html
Funny story…one day your kids will figure it out and really be mortified!
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You were still wearing boots?!?!
Never get mad at Boo if he tries getting it on while still wearing socks again.
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Oh I so feel you on this. I was at the end of a long and loud day shortly before Halloween. My parents and sister (with her Hubby and 4 kids) were all sitting in the livingroom when my son came in and asked if I would take him to the mall. I asked why in a half assed I’m really not listening cause the answer will be, “No” but the state says I have to supply your needs so go ahead kinda way. He told me he needed a black leather dog collar with metal studs for his Halloween costume. With out missing a beat I replied, “I have one in my closet but it has loops not studs…you know like for leashes..It’s your Dads but he won’t mind. Would that work?” The dead silence before every adult in the room busted out laughing was the longest 5 seconds of my life. Even explaining that it was in fact from a previous costume did not help. I will never live this down and my son has not looked his Dad in the face without blushing since. Even my Dad is still laughing about it…But I swear if my sister barks at Hubby one more time he may divorce me….
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Hilarious!
I’m impressed you can still do it in a vehicle. I’m not sure we could! LOL
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OH MY GOD!!!
You mean we bought my kid a Nintendo DS with TAINTED MONEY???
*shrugs*
I’m looking for part-time work from home, b.t.w., so if you want me to take over some of the lesser Daddy-blogger overflow (heh) just say the word.
Can’t wait to read the retribution…also, BOOT prints? Y’all gots no CULTURE up there. Here in the genteel South we take our boots off BEFORE fornicating in motor vehicles. Sheesh. Damn randy Canucks…
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Funny story!
We had a similar situation like that last year. Hubby and I had done it in his truck though. When the kids got in the next time, the windows had frost/fog on them, so you could see my footprints.
I had no excuse and didn’t know what to say, so I changed the subject…quickly.
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“bet you 5 dollars i can make moms face turn red”
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Footprints on the ceiling of your vehicle, snort, serves you right. My seventeen year old is absolutely mortified and disgusted that I still have sex at the advanced age of 46. WTF!
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Oh my gosh, that is too funny!!! Boot prints on the ceiling! I keep trying to get my honey into the backseat but to no avail. I think he feels too old for that sort of thing. We are also dealing with the aching bones and pulled muscles when we try to do anything too adventurous. But we still manage to get it on!
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Boot prints on the ceiling? Consider me impressed.
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You mentioned undergarments, which leaves me wondering how you got them off with your boots still on?
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So, what exactly did you say to your kids?
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Oh what I have to look forward too….and….at least you have boot prints….it’s those people who have NEVER experienced the art of fornicating in motorized vehicles I really feel sorry for…
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I’m crying!
I think explaining something like that to your children may be easier than explaining it to your dad, which is what I had to do when he asked why there were footprints on the inside of the windshield when I brought the family car back one time.
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this is exact how I got busted with my high school boyfriend - his mom wanted to know why there were 2 sets of shoe prints in her windshield.. ahem
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Oh no you didn’t….lmao
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all I can say is…brilliant! It is work at this point in life….those two paragraphs towards the middle made me chuckle a great deal.
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I love your blog. Very funny. Thanks for the link to Avitable. The Bush shirt is far too funny not to share.
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Hahahaha.
How did you explain the boot prints?
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at least there weren’t paw prints on the ceiling. i know how you backwoods canadians roll.
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Oh. My. Gawd! That’s freakin’ hilarious!! And totally awesome!!
~Brea
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Hmm….
I was cleaning my wife’s car and notices bare foot prints on the windshield on the passenger side. The thing is, we haven’t romped in the car for a decade and the car’s new.
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As soon as I stop peeing myself, I’ll write a witty comment. OMG… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Wait until you’re in your 50’s………shit, I’ve thrown my back out brushing my freakin’ teeth. Peace, Mike.
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Hilarious. More power to you guys!
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As I was reading, I thought for sure they’d find underwear or condoms. Never thought about footprints on the ceiling. Am impressed.
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Damn. Props! I got asked why there were smudged foot prints on the windows in my little hatchback in high school by my mom one time. Talk about embarrassing…
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Point taken. Mental note made.
I’m still shaken by the sight of a small boy in blue pajamas with puppies on them standing in the bedroom doorway during a particular “youthful” encounter last weekend. I can’t bring myself to put those PJs on him again just yet…
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Great story. Being a mom, I could imagine lot’s of good stories about the boot prints. That happens sometimes when you are digging for something you dropped. Or better yet, “I have no idea. It was in the shop getting the oil changed.”
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Point taken!
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Funny!!
Some conversion vans have rear seats that fold down into a bed.
Just sayin’
/me searches Craigslist for conversion van
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Impressive. Great writing style and use of descriptive words. You are a hell of a writer.
No seriously, just ran across your blog and you seem to be in exactly the same station of life that my wife and I are in.
Thanks for the laughs
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How have I lived my entire blogging life and never been to this blog?
*added to my ‘roll*
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I’ve never been happier to have short legs. No way I could reach the ceiling to leave prints. Nope, I’d be the one who forgot her bra under the seat.
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Hahaha!!!
You crack me up
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The hubster and I are still that couple that hug and kiss in public, still have that “look” after 8 years of marriage. However, the acrobatics are long gone and replaced by a really bad back and legs the cramp easily. Getting old sux big time!
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Awesome, just awesome. You still got it
@erinjones
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Now every time I see your name, I’m going to envision french fries on naked butt cheeks and boots up in the air. You crack me up, Tanis.
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So I hope you learned a lesson to never answer the phone while having sex in you SUV.Cause after reading Aviatable’s post that must have been when he called you.I can’t wait to see the payback.
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Hilarious!
and a little inspiring….maybe our next date night can be in the car;
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