There comes a time in every person’s life where they are forced to do something they really don’t want to do for whatever reason. Today is that day for me.
It’s like eating lima beans to prove to your children that lima beans are nutritious despite the fact they taste like, well, lima beans or being forced to be your cousin’s date to his senior prom because his pocket protector and pimples have acted like escort repellent and your parents threatened to revoke your driving privileges if you didn’t pony up and don the corsage.
Only today is worse than either of those two things. Today I humbly stand before the Internets and bow my head in shame. My big mouth and my arrogance have landed my arse in a sling and I stand before you walking the plank and eating a slice of humble pie.
I made a bet and I lost. This post is my penance; my debt for stupidly believing my sheer force of will could twist the events of the universe to match those of my imagination. Sure I could welch on my end of the deal and not write something that is so spectacularly distasteful even my own brazen sensibilities recoil, but what lesson would that teach my children?
(Besides never place a bet unless it’s a sure thing?)
I am a woman of my word and no welcher. Which leads me to here. It’s all Backpacking Dad’s fault. He is the devil winner. I am the poor sport humble loser. It didn’t matter to him that I swore an oath to forever support one hockey team. My tears for mercy fell on deaf ears.
I tried to wheedle and whine my way out of the terms of our bet, but he is unbending in his will to have me abase myself to him while he sits on his hockey throne. I offered him my first-born child. He didn’t want her. I offered to post pictures of my hairy boobs on the net. He gagged a bit and then politely refused while muttering something about how he’s not a pervert.
I even offered to throw a bloggy baby shower when his newest little bundle of joy arrives, but he dismissed my suggestion with a flick of his hand and bumptiously declared that as his bloggy best friend I was already responsible for that. It says so in the bylines of blogger etiquette.
Damn him for his annoying tendencies to read the fine print. I can’t pull anything over that dude’s eyes. How his wife lives with him is a complete freaking mystery. Heh.
(Wow. All of that prose just to say I can’t believe I lost a damn bet to Gay Ray. Farcklenuts.)
So to satisfy my end of the bet and appease my tyrannical taskmaster friend, I bring to you a list of reasons (gag) why the Detroit Red Wings could be considered best hockey team ever.
Yes, the Wings have won the coveted Stanley Cup 11 times. That is impressive. Absolutely. But seeing as how the Wings are one of the Original Six and have been around since the dawn of time, I should expect them to have accumulated a few Cups along the way. It’s not so impressive really once you take into account the team was founded in 1926. They’ve been playing in the NHL for 82 years for criminy sake. And only managed to take Lord Stanley home with them 11 times. Big deal.
The Edmonton Oilers, however, have been only been playing in the NHL since 1979 and have won five Stanley Cup trophies. Give us a few more years and we’re bound to catch up. (I freaking hope.)
Some people (surely not me) may believe that the depth of talent and maturity the Wing’s lineup contains is reason enough to bestow the title of greatness on them. They do indeed have a talented team, filled with very capable hockey players.
But maturity? If maturity comes from age, then I’d have to agree. I mean, Detroit does have the oldest players in the league. Some of them are so old they’ve been there since the league rules were drafted.
If having the second oldest player to ever play in the NHL gives them maturity and makes them the best, well they’ve cornered that market.
I’ll just overlook the fact they are the only team in the league whose players qualify for retirement benefits.
(No offense to you, Mr. Chelios. I’m almost half your age younger than you and not near as fit. Call me. I’ll tell you about it. Wink.)
Yes, the Wings have given us greats like Gordie Howe and Steve Yzerman. But the Oilers gave the world Wayne Gretzky, inarguably the greatest hockey player to have ever laced up a pair of skates.
You can’t compare apples to oranges, people. (Oh dear lawd, I’m digging my own grave, aren’t I?)
If one compares hockey fans in each respective city to measure the greatness of their teams, surely Detroit would have the best team. It takes a certain type of person (crazy or deranged) willing to boil an octopus, strap it to one’s waist to smuggle past security so that it can be hurled onto the ice in a misguided attempt to wish the team luck.
Detroit can keep the Legend of the Octopus. I’m not fond of seafood.
I won’t lie to you, as a die-hard Oiler’s fan, this post has been a test to my writing abilities. As I watched the Oilers get their sorry arses kicked the other night I just about died as I realized I’d have to write a whole post about how the Red Wings are the best team in the league.
The only thing good I could come up with was I kinda liked their hockey logo. Like the true girl I am, I kept coming back to how pretty their jerseys are. But that got me to examining why they may have chosen that festive red as their team colour.
That’s when I realized not only does it make it easier to spot their players on the sheet of white ice, but it also hides the blood from all the fights the Wing’s bloodthirsty players like to pick.
Money spent on cleaning bills can go back into player’s salaries. That’s pretty clever, if you ask me.
(Click the fight link if you are into bloodthirsty pummeling. It’s long but it’s worth it if that’s your cup of tea.)
Maybe the Wings are the best team in the NHL. Maybe I’m just blinded by fan loyalty and the tenacious hope of a true underdog. Where else in the world other than Edmonton would a bunch of fans pay good money to sit outside in -30 C degree temperatures for three hours to cheer on their hockey heros for an afternoon?
I just know that no matter how often the Wing’s trounce the Oilers, they will never be the best team in my eyes, no matter how the stat’s compare.
Because when push comes to shove, there is one thing the Oilers have that will always make them the best team in my mind.
And that, Mr. Burns, is their impressive eye-candy heart. You just can’t beat that.
*Special thanks to Erin and Will for holding my hands and helping me out with ideas and linkage. You guys rock. *
48 Comments
I’m not sure I’m going to let this count :}
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I’ve printed this post out, and will be using it as my Bible of Gracious Losing. Thank you.
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Well, Mr Burns, maybe this will count.
The thing with the Red Wings line up is not their maturity, or so much their age, as it is the cohesive nature of the team.
You know when you first have sex with that young man, and he has (really mindblowingly) impressive new tricks, things you’ve never seen before, things you swore you’d neverever do, and it’s awesome? AWESOME? Life altering?
Still not as good as the guy you’ll be banging 15 years in a row once you’re old and dull and married, because he knows how YOU tick.
That’s the magic of the Red Wings. They move together. They grew together.
And I am a diehard Avalanche fan. How’s that, Shawn?
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Shanahan was pretty hot and Yzerman was not bad when he has his bridge in.
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He’s hot.
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Eye candy is an understatement. I’m not much of a hockey fan, but maybe I should start working my way into becoming one by next season.
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Backpacking Dad should totally accept this. You did TRY and talk about how the Redwings were the best hockey team, but she stalled for lack of material.
I watched that video and it reinforced the idea that hockey is NOT for me. Give me the good old non-violent Football.
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oh how i loved Chris Chelios when i was in high school and he played for Chicago…*sigh* but that was, um, 10 years ago. ahem.
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But I like lima beans - I really do.
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The wings are the Devil!
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Pfft. Chelios. It’s amazing what they can do with titanium hips nowadays.
I’d rather stick toothpicks down my pee-pee hole than watch a single game played by The Team That Shall Remain Nameless or attended by their legions of insufferable asshole fans. Unless of course it’s a replay of game seven the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when the Dead Wings got their asses chewed by the far superior Anaheim Ducks.
QUAAAAAAAACK!
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To lose humbly is the mark of a gracious fan. Unless the Dead Wings are involved then it’s perfectly acceptable to get just as ugly and nasty as it takes to take the burn away. I suggest that Tennessee’s finest plays a part.
smooches.
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I hold to the fact that it’s humanly impossibly to talk about; let alone back up; the notion that the Red Wings are the best.
I love that although you TRIED to say they were kinda, sorta, okay. You still ended up saying they suck and the Oil was better.
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You must have enjoyed the 7-2 rut of Carolina the other night. Oilers do ROCK! My honey used to be Smythie but now that he’s in the land of swim or ski, it’s Stortini all the way. Gotta love the name - say it with me - Stortini. Makes for an excellent drink.
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In between this photo you posted and Bristol Palin’s hot piece of hockey-playin’ ass Levi Johnston, you may have a new convert. I mean, the selection of my preferred sport hinges solely upon its players’ ability to make me dry hump my husband. God bless Brett Favre, there hasn’t been a dry seat at my house since he’s been tossing the pigskin.
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You’re better than me. I grew up in Buffalo. We would not even wager such a bet - I shudder at the thought.
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Yes, sure there are ravenous fans in Detroit, but it’s funny how during last years Stanley Cup Finals, there were people driving to Detroit from Pittsburgh to get tickets - and *cheaper*! Detroit may have fans, but there ain’t a whole lot of em!
I’ve always been a fan of the Canadian teams, past and present. Oh, and how many cups have the Hab’s won? What’s that you say? 24???!
Let’s see; math averages:
MTL - 26 in 100 years - one every 4 years.
EDM - 5 in 29 years - one every 6 years.
DET - 11 in 86 years - one every 8 years.
Go Oilers!
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Too! Much! HOCKEY!! AAACKKKK!!!
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Great job on the faint praise, or is that feint praise? I have had a hard time watching hockey since Gretzky retired. It just hasn’t been that good since they reoriented the rules to promote the goons. As my son once said (when he was four) “Is this hockey, or ‘kill the guy with the puck?’”
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i agree with bpd
she put lima beans in that humble pie
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That’s okay, Tanis. Just keep singing. ‘Cause he’s an A SS HO LE. An Asshooleeooleeoleeooleeoleeole.
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I tried to read it. I did. But every time the words “Red Wings” or “Oilers” came up next to a glowing comment I couldn’t make sense of the words. It was jibberish.
Finally, I just substituted “Avalanche” and my comprehension skyrocketed!
(a very gracious post, though)
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Boy, that was almost like me having to write about the Bears for my friend Ann. *shudder*
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Why do I get so much joy in seeing people make other people do things they don’t want to do?!
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GO OILERS GO!
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Wait, I thought the Hartford Whalers were the best hockey team ever.
Oh crap - they moved to
Carolina.
Gordie Howe, how we miss you!
Never mind.
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thank you so much for staying true to our Oil, despite the bet…..as a dye-hard Edmonton fan living in Calgary (i know, what am i thinking), and having to live through the flames playoff run of 2004 (ugh, the agony), it’s refreshing to hear someone else rant about their love for the team, no matter how many times they lose :0) Long Live the Oiler….Down with Peter P. :0)
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Master of the backhanded compliment, you are.
Still, the Wings rock. Can’t deny it.
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I saw ‘Backpacking Dad’ and ‘boobs’ and then that was pretty much it for me, because hockey? I know nothing about hockey. Other than our state team is called the Pork Chops. Pretty fierce. Like boobs.
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nice try; but both your teams suck.there is only one true great team in hockey and that team is the 23 time stanley cup winning ” MONTREAL ” CANADIANS
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Sorry. I’m a Pens fan. Their farm team is near us and the only team I ever have a chance to see.
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Canadiens.
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Go Oilers! They swept me up in their cup run and I’ve been loyal since. I heart Roli!
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Dude… you should see the Pittsburgh or Philly fans!
Especially when they pile on busses and come to Washington, DC!
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It really all just boils down to which team is cuter, and in that case the Gretzky factor means that Edmonton wins. Everytime.
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What’s hockey?
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GO WINGS!
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As an Avs fan, I am with you. I will never be able to get behind the redwings, ever. But holy hotness, batman, The Oilers now have a chance to be my #2 team!
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The Red Wings might be a good team, but their fans are a bunch of jack asses. (Backpacking Dad excluded) Seriously, their fans are just mean and vicious. Even to little kids that are rooting for the opposing team.
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ahhhh .. i remember that fight… i sat 9.5 months into my first pregnancy watching while jumping crazily on the bed waking up the hubby. Go Wings!
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You are one brave mama, I’ve NEVER been able to lose so humbly! You rocked it though, as always!
Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a good recipe for home made biscuits, would you? I am offering a prize for the recipe that makes the BEST home made biscuits! Yeah, I’m a little desperate, lol! It’s become more of a personal quest than anything at this point! Maybe I *should* go back to work…nah.
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GO REDWINGS!
GO REDWINGS!
Trounce the Oilers? Sugar, we HANDED them their arses on a platter this past Monday!
Although I will pass on smuggling dead seafood to throw on the ice.
I might spill my beer in the process or have it land on some one’s head with my bad aim.
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I love ya. I love me some Chelios it’s true.
We here in good old Northern California are home to your beloved Oilers triple A team the Stockton Thunder. However as a Sharks fan my blood runs teal.
You did a great job, I know how hard this must have been for you. It’s true hockey has lots of eye candy so many people miss out on. Let’s keep it our little secret shall we?
GO SHARKS.
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I’m speechless. I never thought I’d live to see the day. A pox on the head of Backpacking Dad for causing this travesty of sportsmanship!
I hope you went and washed your hands a magillionty times after typing this.
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Stupid Red Wings. You have no idea how tough it is being married to a Red Wings family. Actually, it’s not as tough as watching your own team suck lemons for the last few seasons. But still, I’d wave an Oilers flag before a Red Wings flag any day.
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Ohhhh, I feel your pain. You see, I live in Vancouver (ergo, Canucks fan by default, but have a soft spot in my heart for the Oilers - who did indeed produce The Great One) with a rabid Blackhawks fan (ergo, hates Detroit).
I feel your pain at this, and I think you did a divine job at being a gracious loser.
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Detroit born and raised baby. Go Red Wings!
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As a Red Wings fan, let me tell you, the Red Wings are currently one of the best teams. Oilers don’t come close.
I’m sorry, anaheim who? Oh right, the ones at the bottom of the pile? Hell, the blue jackets, who have never even been to the playoffs, are playing better then that sorry excuse for a team (the ducks). Way to win a stanley cup and fall off the face of the earth.
Oh yeah, I love me some Wings. We’re a great team. And the AVs have fallen by the wayside and the Canadiens, sadly, have fallen as well.
Oh how the mighty have fallen and the Wings still stand.
The cup is ours this year!!
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