Dragonlady.
I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the betrayal. She was my best friend. Scenes from our friendship ran through my head like video played on a loop. Memories of laughter and hugs blurred with recollections of shared tears and tender moments. Nothing made sense. I couldn’t, still can’t, understand what motivated this woman whom I loved with all my heart to be involved in such an act of betrayal.
A myriad of emotions warred within me. All at once I felt hollowed out with the knowledge of her treachery, confused by her motives, saddened for the sudden end to a long time friendship and yet filled with a burning rage at the injustice of her actions and the devastating consequences those actions had.
I was momentarily rudderless, stunned into inaction as my brain tried to make sense of why someone I loved would do this to me without so much as an explanation. I babysat her children. Regularly.
Boo was equally devastated and incensed. His anger was white hot next to my shock. He wanted blood. He wanted vengeance. He wanted answers. He wanted this entire nightmare to go away and for BamBam to be back in our home with the promise of adoption looming on our horizon.
Together we examined every angle and mulled over what to do. In the end, there wasn’t much we could do. Legally, our hands were tied. Morally, would anything we do undo the damage that had already been inflicted? We decided to wait until our emotions settled and we could see past our collective pain and handle the situation rationally and logically. But we were wounded, deeply in a way we never anticipated, never thought possible.
We didn’t have much time to dwell on the Dragonlady’s nastiness though. We quickly received the phone call informing us the bureaucratic red tape had been cut and the government had finally decided how to handle this complaint. Because BamBam was no longer in our home and the allegation didn’t pertain to the safety of our own children, they had been stumped on how to proceed with an investigation. They weren’t all that interested in pursuing the costs related to clearing our names simply because BamBam was no longer in any perceived danger now that he was removed from our part time custody.
But we wanted him back and because we could not move forward with any adoption proceedings until an investigation was mounted they finally took pity on us and scheduled our inquiry.
Thoughts of the Dragonlady receded from our minds as we focused on righting the wrong that was done to our family and to little BamBam and we anxiously waited the moment we could clear our names. There wasn’t much we could do to prepare for our examination because at this point we didn’t know what the allegation was, but I needed to do something.
So I cleaned. Every damn inch of my house. In my mind a passel of white gloved police men were coming to my house and while several of them strip searched and waterboarded our family for answers, others were combing through every nook and cranny of our house looking for signs of parental ineptitude.
Oh look! She doesn’t fold the socks…she rolls them. Five points for shoddy laundry skills.
Aha! The canned goods in the pantry aren’t organized into food groups and alphabetized. Ten points for laziness.
Oh the horror!! There are dust bunnies behind the television stand. Crumbs under the stove! And looky here, she keeps the dry dog food next to the cereal boxes. That must mean she feeds her children dog food. What a CRAPTASTIC mother! OFF WITH HER HEAD!
The reality was a lot less dramatic. A lone gentleman wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater and a smile knocked on our door as Boo and I were madly straightening up the living room before our appointment with doom. He was a pleasant man, with an easygoing demeanor and he was intent on making the four of us as comfortable as we could be while we faced the firing squad.
After the requisite small talk about the weather and our beloved Edmonton Oilers hockey team, we got down to business. It was decided he would interview all of us separately and individually, starting with our son, Frac.
While Frac met his maker, Boo, Fric and myself went outside and twiddled our thumbs. Fric wasn’t nervous; she was more interested in finishing the final chapters of the teen romance novel she was ensconced in. Boo kept trying to make small talk and distract me from chewing my fingers off in nervousness.
All I kept wondering was whether my children would pass this strange man’s test or if I would find myself not only without BamBam but also without my biological children by the day’s end.
Fifteen minutes or so later, Frac came outside and told Fric it was her turn. Fric turned to her father and me and grinned an evil grin and said, “Last chance Mom. How much is it worth to you for me to keep quiet about all the times you beat us with wet noodles?”
I groaned and Boo laughed and told her we didn’t cave to terrorists. My heart was in my throat. I couldn’t sit still. As soon as Fric was in the house I turned to her brother and asked Frac what type of questions he had to answer.
“Mom, that’s CHEATING. You’ll have to wait and find out yourself,” he grinned like the son of Satan he is.
Time ticked by and the minutes stretched out. Fifteen minutes went by and then twenty. Then twenty-five. I was starting to worry about how much a lawyer would cost for when I had to go to court to fight for custody of my own children when Fric suddenly opened the door and told us that our investigator wanted to interview her father and myself together.
It was our turn. My heart galloped wildly in my chest and Boo squeezed my hand reassuringly.
“What did he say? What did you tell him?” I whispered to Fric as I went into the house.
“I buried you Mom. You are in so much trouble,” she grinned. I could have choked my little cretins. Where they picked up this annoying habit of making light of serious situations at inappropriate times is beyond me.
Boo and I settled in for our turn at the chopping block and our investigator smiled reassuringly.
“You have remarkable children. They are very lovely. And very funny,” he smiled. It was all I could do to smile and not choke out a snarky response. I let Boo do most of the talking because at this point I was nowhere in control of my emotions.
As we spoke, the allegation was revealed and we duly responded to his questions. Then, after scribbling something on his official looking note pad he looked up and waited until I made eye contact with him.
“I want you to know Tanis I think you are doing a fabulous job with your children and from everything I’ve heard here today I’m going to announce this allegation as a false one. Once the paper work is filed, your name will be cleared and you should be able to proceed in any foster or adoption application you choose.”
The wind escaped my lungs and tears silently streamed down my face because I’m a big fat over emotional baby. I knew, KNEW I would be cleared and the accusation would be unfounded but the relief I felt to actually hear the words spoken was overwhelming and my emotions escaped from my barely tethered control.
We talked then about any recourse we had available to us (none) and what we could do to undo this false complaint (nothing.) Then we cut to the meat of the matter. What would this mean to bringing BamBam back home.
The gentleman investigator smiled a sad smile and sighed. He was brutally honest with us when he explained that although I was found innocent and the complaint unfounded, the fact of the matter is the complaint still exists on my record. A record that will not be expunged for 99 years or until my death.
It will be up to the discretion of any future social workers that we come into contact with as to whether they choose to want to work with us or not. In other words, it is up to BamBam’s social worker and supervisor to decide if they want to return him to our custody or look at new avenues to pursue. It is a completely subjective process.
Hearing that, any elation I was feeling at having my name cleared quickly evaporated like steam from a kettle. BamBam’s supervisors were by-the-books bureaucrats. Fear and doubt niggled at my heart.
We thanked our gentleman investigator and then as quickly as he came, he was gone, leaving us alone to deal with the aftermath. Fric and Frac scampered off to resume tearing at one another’s limbs like the wild animals they are and Boo and I sat quietly and mulled over what this meant for our future.
One phone call and THREE months of waiting and it was finally over. I was no longer an accused child abandoner, beater, endangerer or what ever you want to call it. It was over. I was once again a mom in good government standing.
But would that be enough to get BamBam back in my arms and allow us to continue our foster to adopt application?
The quick and dirty is, I don’t know. Realistically, probably not. It’s been two months since my name was cleared (five months since I lost him) and I haven’t seen him once. When I contacted his social worker after the allegation was rendered unfounded, his social worker expressed extreme sympathy for our situation and congratulations on having my name cleared but went on to say, “But we can’t overlook the fact that an allegation was made in the first place.”
Translation: They’d prefer to pursue a family that doesn’t have a Dragonlady waiting in the wings making false accusations and stirring up drama where non exists.
It’s not a done deal, not yet. The case still hasn’t been stamped closed and I’m still jumping on my own caseworker’s back (he just looooves when I do that) and still persistently phoning and inquiring as to when I may get BamBam back. He hasn’t found a permanent home and until someone else adopts him, I’m not giving up. Even if that means following him from social worker to social worker as he bounces around the system, growing up in foster homes until someone will give him back to us. Even if that means he’s 16. He’s my BamBam and there will always be a place in our heart and a seat at our table for that little boy with the dimples.
I didn’t start off writing about this story with any clear intentions. I just knew that I had promised my readers and more importantly, myself that I would be up front and honest with our quest to bring home a special needs child. I needed to write this pain out to be able to let it go and move on.
There was no design or clearly thought plans as I sat here and plucked the words out of my head and posted them to my blog. I never intended the series to stretch out more than three posts. But once I started to write it became increasingly obvious that more words were needed than I originally thought to spill this story that I have been holding in since August.
There has been no resolution with the Dragonlady, no reckoning. I don’t trust myself to see her and not physically harm her. Nor do I trust myself not to break down into tears and present myself as a pathetic cry baby whining through a stream of snotty tears about how she done me wrong. I’ve chosen to cut her out of my life and my family’s life like one does a cancer. The pain still throbs when I think about her or a memory creeps in past my carefully erected walls. I will bear the scars of this betrayal for a long time to come.
I want to tell you I harbor no bitterness or resentment or anger towards her or a system that refuses to return our sweet dimpled boy because of a social worker’s single opinion of us. But I do. When I think of what could have been and what will be for my sweet BamBam I am hard pressed to swallow the anger that rears up within me.
I’m still raging on the inside.
But I refuse to allow the negative to overshadow the slivers of positive this experience has brought my family and me. For four months I was the mother to BamBam. Four months this year my children, my husband and myself were happier than we’ve been since that fateful day we walked out of the hospital without our Bug.
BamBam’s love lives on in our hearts and we carry that with us. It was this little guy’s love that helped heal some of the painful scars that crisscross like train tracks across my battered heart. And I know the love we poured into that little boy will be carried somewhere inside of him, and helped mold one small part of his personality even if he never has the chance to know it or remember it.
My family grew even tighter through this painful period of time and our bond is even stronger than it was before and I would never have thought that possible. I learned (again) the true meaning of family and what it means to have the support of loved ones when the chips are down and it seems the world is against you.
I lost a friend, a family of friends really, this summer. But through that loss, I found deeper truer friendships. People who supported me and propped me up when I was all but slumped over from the pain of this loss and unable to take even one step forward on my own without them.
I want to thank all of you, every one of you out there who ever had to endure my emails and phone calls and put up with my tears. And to Catherine and Shawn, my love knows no bounds. You both have kept me sane and my husband appreciates it.
Happy endings don’t always come neatly wrapped with shiny paper and satin ribbons. But there is a happy ending in this story even if it isn’t wrapped in a tiny diaper.
We are back on the adoption list and while I may not be calling BamBam my own anytime soon, there is a child out there who is destined to become the newest permanent member of the Redneck Clan. Life is funny that way.
I’m a better person for this journey because I finally learned the answer to the secret I have been searching for since the day I said goodbye to my son in a dark emergency room.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds.
Love does.
And there is a lot of love in my life.
*****Thank you all. From the bottom of my heart. My gift to you? Go forth and laugh at me. You have earned the chuckles and it’s the least I can do for my peeps.*****
232 Comments
Oh, Tanis. I started crying when your name was cleared; I continued to cry when I learned that you’re still without BamBam.
I know it’s trite, but it has made a lot of shitty things bearable for me: it all works out the way it’s meant to work out in its own good time. You may have to be even more patient than you already have been, but this will work out — I can feel it in my bones.
Much love and many hugs.
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It breaks my heart that you all went through this. You should be celebrating your first Christmas with BamBam. I hope and pray that the stars align and you get your sweet baby back in your arms.
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While that wasn’t the happiest ending I had hoped for, it’s definitely good that your name has been cleared and that you’re not giving up. I cannot imagine the pain of that betrayal, and I hope one day she feels the same pain as she has caused you.
You are an amazing person, with a fabulous family. And the fact that you have so much love for a little boy and are unwilling to give up is beyond admirable. I’m so glad you shared your story with all us.
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Ack. No, it didn’t end like I’d hoped, but there still IS hope, and that’s good. I’m glad the investigator guy was kind and that everything was cleared up. But oh the betrayal. That’s just so horrible.
I’m amazed you haven’t given her a piece of your mind, but then again, sounds like she doesn’t deserve any piece of you or your family. (and she’s already stolen one piece anyway.)
Thanks for finishing this part of the story Tanis. I hope we’re soon reading the real happy ending where it all works out and BamBam comes home.
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Tanis,
I have been following you blog for a long time but have never commented until today.
My heart aches for you. I am soooo sorry. I will keep my fingers crossed that one day BamBam will be yours, not just in your heart, as he is now, but physically a presence in your life.
As a teacher I know how important it is for all children to have a loving home.
Peace to you and yours,
Karen
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This is a horrible story with an unsatisfying ending. But I am truly impressed with your strength and your family’s, just- total love. I’m sorry your “friend” will never feel the same.
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Wow. Just, wow. You are an amazing woman. I am so sorry for your heartache, but I’m confident that it’ll all work out for you soon.
Thank you for sharing this!
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I REALLY enjoy reading your blog. This story has been a heartbreaker. You have been through so much already, BamBam should be in your home!
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You sound like a awsome mother. And I know there is a child out there for you. And that child will come in and help heal more of that shatterd heart of yours.
I feel for you losing a friend. sometimes people see you happy and do not like it cause then they feel that you will leave them, so they do something stupid like that, and because of that lose you anyways. I know this is something that DragonLady will regret for the rest of her life.
You have so much love in your heart left to give that I know God will bless you soon. Wether you get BamBam or another child who needs as much love as you have to give, it will come to you.
I wish you luck. Merry Christmas to your family from Mine.
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Oy! I’m so sorry about all this. I do thank you for sharing this story with us, even if it didn’t have the happy-ever-after I was imagining.
I admire you and your family for dealing with all this and persevering. I look forward to the day when I get to read a post that shows a picture of the newest member of the Redneck clan.
Love to you all!
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I hope for you that you do find peace, love and joy now and as time goes on.
What a betrayal…I have had so much experience with miserable people trying to make me miserable. I don’t know Dragonlady, but her actions seem to come from personal misery of some sort.
You have so much to share. So many people would love to be adopted by you as a friend, and so many children would love to have you as a mother, I am sure. Keep sharing!
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Oh Tanis. I have no words other than I’m proud as fcuk to call you MY FRIEND. Because, sorry lady, you totally are.
Love you lots.
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I have nothing wise to say, all I am left with is people suck. I’m glad you and your family have pulled through, and are ultimately better off for the experience, but I cannot understand what would motivate a person to be this, well, mean.
Wishing your family a merry christmas, you deserve one.
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You’re a better woman than I…
Good ending!
It’ll happen when the time is right. You just have to have faith.
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Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
What a beautiful, heartbreaking love story to BamBam and Bug you have written. Thank you for sharing.
May 2009 bring you resolution to your adoption saga.
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I am so happy for you, Tanis! Although I do wish you could have your BamBam. I’m sure things will work out for you. I’m keeping my fingers crossed! =-)
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We are all blessed that you’ve shared your story with us. Fric and Frac are very lucky kids to have you guys as their parents.
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I’ve been following your blog for a while and don’t think I’ve commented before. But today, I have to. I am so very sorry you don’t have BamBam in your lives. I can’t imagine loving a baby like you obviously did love him and then lose him. Especially, for no good reason. I am certainly glad you have been cleared “within the system” and I’m glad you haven’t given up on your dream. It’s just so sad that the “social workers” would deprive an innocent little boy a loving home, especially since it was proved the claim was false. As far as your friend, or should I say, ex-friend, I do believe she will answer to a Higher Power for her deeds. I will be praying for you and your family, but mostly for BamBam. That someone will have a heart and give him back to you.
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It speaks volumes about the type of person you are to have gone through so much grief and sorrow over the loss of friends and family and to continue to fight and have hope. You’re an inspiration because of it! Aaaaaand I really want to punch dragonlady in the throat. She sucks a fat one. Karma is motherphuker and is going to sucker punch the hell out of that bitch one day.
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Delurking to tell you that my heart breaks for you.
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I’m so, so sorry to hear that BamBam is up in the air. It is truly a crime. I hope your story has a happy ending someday SOON!!
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I know you live in a small community and honestly I hope that the people who read this know what that fine “Christian” woman did to you. Not just to you, but the fact that she has most likely sentenced that poor baby to a lifetime of foster care when he could have had the most loving amazing home.
I have made so many mistakes in my life that I am usually highly compassionate about others who make severe transgressions.
This one, though?
I cannot come up with ANY scenario that can give me one iota of sympathy for Dragonlady or whomever she put up to making the complaint. NONE. Beyond whatever petty, jealous or psycho religious babble she felt about you, I might (MIGHT) be able to wrap my brain around but TO HURT A CHILD LIKE THIS FOR A LIFETIME???? Knowing damn well she was lying???????
Totally vile.
WENCH! WENCH! WENCH!!!!!
Whew.
That felt good. I’ve been wanting to say it publicly since August or so.
Love your guts.
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You are a better person than I. I would be in a prison cell.
I am happy that your family was cleared but I can not believe they won’t let you have Bambam.
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I hope the New Year brings BamBam a new social worker. One with a functional brain and heart who sends him back to you.
I really do.
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Ditto on the “Better woman than I” comment. Dragonlady would be watching over her shoulder & sleeping with one eye open if left up to me. Her day will come. Take peace in knowing that what goes around truly does come around in spades.
XOXOs to you & your family. May the New Year be brighter.
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Hope, indeed. You have brought tears to to the eyes of a stranger. After following your tale, I sincerely hope that you get your dimpled boy back. Sending love to your clan this holiday.
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Wow. I am really surprised you haven’t talked to (or strangled) the Dragonlady. Because I want to.
You know, everything happens for a reason. You found a silver lining in this journey and I have a feeling that in the end, you’ll have another member of the Redneck Clan.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Happy holidays!
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Damn. In my mind, BamBam is immediately brought to your arms with everyone’s profuse apologies.
So relieved that you were found to be an awesome mom, which anyone reading your blog knows, but saddened that just the allegation was enough to keep BamBam from you for the time being.
And many thanks for sharing this heart-wrenching chapter in your life.
(((HUGS)))
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Merry Christmas. I hope you get the child that is perfect for your family.
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Completely choked up and yet totally enraged for you. Even in our brief conversations, it is obvious to me what a fantastic, genuine human being you are. I can’t fathom why someone could be so cruel. Stay strong.
(And I know this isn’t exactly helpful - but I’ll bet you did more for BamBam in those few months than most people could do for him in a lifetime.)
xoxo
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I don’t know how to respond to the end of your story, except to say how profoundly sorry I am that this happened to you and your family. And how glad I am that the entire experience has brought you closer together. I hope that things do work out with Bambam, and if not with him, then with the next child blessed to have the Rednecks in his or her life.
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Thank you , Thank you , Thank you for sharing this. I’m really in awe of what you’ve taken away from this crazy turn of events. I can’t imagine it was at all easy to pull anything positive out a betrayal and the loss of that dimpled little boy. But you did and for that you are truly remarkable.
I have every hope that if not BamBam you will soon have the child you so rightfully deserve.
All the best to you!
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Tanis,
I have been reading this story as you’ve posted it. I am disgusted.
Disgusted that your BFF did this to you, that she could even fathom to do this to you. She SAW the pain your family went through when you lost Bug, she saw you and your family fall in love with Bam Bam and she took the steps to ensure that he was cut from your lives. What sort of a monster does that, knowing the havoc she would wreak? She left her own children in your care, yet had the nerve to call into question your skills as a mother. I am left with no choice but to say … WHAT A HEARTLESS BITCH, what a cold unfeeling ice queen. I feel sorry for her children.
I am disgusted by the beaurocracy that would deny a child the loving family and home that he so desparately needs. I am disgusted that an unfounded, baseless allegation stays on your record forever…it is wrong. When someone is charged and NOT convicted that charge is gone is it not…. why is this different? Why is that woman not being charged for a wrongful allegation that so OBVIOUSLY had a malicious intent (she left her children with you so how worried was she really? She just didn’t want to see you find happiness). I would seriously consider making her accountable for her actions and charge her with slander, she knowingly made a false allegation that harmed, if not destroyed your chances at adopting that beautiful boy. She needs to be responsible for that wrong doing. She HURT you, and Boo and Fric and Frac… MOST OF ALL SHE HURT BAM BAM. Was she that frightened of “losing” you, and not having you need her so much that she went on a mission to destroy you? I hope her karmadic payback is a doozy.
Tanis, I am soooo sorry that you and your family have had to endure this struggle. I am sorry that you had to endure the betrayal of someone you held dear. I am sorry that you and your family had to experience the loss of a loved one again. I am sorry that our beaurocracy sucks ass, they would rather leave that baby in foster care than allow a loving family to adopt him, it baffles my mind. Yet our papers are filled with horror stories of foster care gone wrong… where is the system then?
I am angered for you, I hurt for you.
Your strength and your compassion shines through in each and every blog post you write. You are someone that I would be proud to call friend!!!
I wish you, Boo, Fric and Frac a Merry Christmas. I wish for you all nothing but the best in the New Year, and I wish for you to be providing a home for Bam Bam come the New Year. I have faith that good can overcome evil.
Take care Tanis, be strong and hold your head high you are ONE MILLION times the person that Dragonbitch is.
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Wow. I don’t think I would be able to write one word about a “friend” like that without using several curse words.
I’m happy that your name was cleared, although it sounds like it’s cleared but not cleared. I’m sorry for that.
May 2009 bring BamBam home to you.
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You, luv, are a beautiful person and an amazing mother, and if you one day get the desire to mother a daughter older than you, I’ll pack my bags and call you Mom any day.
Seriously. You’re beautiful!
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I’m so terribly sorry that you were betrayed. That is just awful. I’m heartbroken for you and for BamBam who I am sure will never be placed in a better home than yours. I truly hope that someday he will come home. Maybe we could all write letters on your behalf? Maybe the foster mom could? For God’s sake, they give children back to parents that have abused them and used drugs while pregnant with them, I can’t believe they won’t give you another chance. It just doesn’t make sense. I, too, was TWICE the subject of false allegations and I know how you felt during that time. It truly sucked. And it does suck knowing that those allegations will forever be on my record even though my name was 100% cleared. It’s awful what can happen when one person just says something mean for whatever reason. I’m so sorry that one person was someone that you truly cared about.
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Although I knew you’d be cleared I wished you’d had a storybook ending. So sorry that the saga continues. I’m thinking of you and praying every agnositic prayer I can so that you will, somehow, soon make BamBam your very own Redneck.
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I am so sorry this has happened to you. You and your family obviously have a lot of love to give and any child would be lucky to have you all as his/her family.
I also know what it feels like to be betrayed by your best friend. All I can say about Dragonlady is that one day she will truly know the meaning of the word karma.
I wish you and your family all the happiness, love and peace possible!
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Does she read your website, Tanis? Knowing you like she did, I don’t know how she couldn’t feel your pain and your hurt and the suffering she’s caused. And the hurt we all feel too for you. I don’t know you, yet my heart has been completely broken for you through all of this so how she couldn’t feel it too. . what kind of person . . .
I have my own friend like you HAD in her and can’t imagine, simply cannot imagine!!! Your courage and incredible writing are so much to be admired for!! Thank you for sharing it all with us. I’m praying for your family and again, admiring your courage and strength. You have shown each of us what it is to come through something and look out from the other side. It’s hope and I have much of it for you and your family and BamBam’s future. Best to you and happy holidays.
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There is a special place in hell for people like Dragonlady.
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I can not believe that anyone would compound your pain like that, much less a friend. I hope you get Bambam back. In the meantime, I hope you and your family have a happy holiday.
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Thank you for sharing this story. It is important to share stories such as these, to bring to light the atrocities that happen so that those who can make changes to the system understand the importance of making changes to the system.
I, too, lost a child that I was going to adopt although under much different circumstances. No matter the circumstances though bonding between mother and child happens and when that bond is forcibly broken it is gutwrenching. It is tragic. It is heartbreaking. I won’t say that time heals, but at least time lessens the sharp edges of the pain, or it has for me. I hope it will for you too.
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You are and amazing person and have a wonderful family. My heart truely goes out to you and yours. Stay strong and I pray that BamBam will be in your arms very soon.
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I’m so sorry you don’t have that little boy in your home right now. He deserves someone who will love him and protect him as much as you did and I hope there’s a happy ending to this.
You have such a big heart—the fact that you have sought out a special needs child is really amazing.
I wish you all the best.
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I’m incensed. This shitstorm couldn’t have happened to a more undeserving mommy. I hope your family gets the child that’s meant for you soon. I also can’t believe you and Bambam could be punished just because some bitch lied about you.
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It’s unreal, the curve balls that life throws at you. It’s what you’ve chosen to do with these curve balls that defines you as the amazing individual that you are. Keep fighting, Tanis.
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As one who would NEVER pass under the harsh scrutiny of CPS, let me say you’re amazing.
I don’t understand it all. I do NOT understand social workers who would rather see a child in the system than see that child in a loving family.
Did you ever find out what the hell the allegations were? I mean, if they were listed as “false” they should–Okay, I’ll stop now. TOTALLY not helpful.
Let me say this. I know that the universe doesn’t close doors without a reason. This one is shut….for now. What the reason is may not be clear, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that there is a a good one. I have faith that the timing will be perfect, symetrical.
And this whole story makes me love your family more.
Merry Christmas, My dear Redneck Mommy. You add so much to my life-my gift to myself.
Thank you for just being you.
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What happened to you is just wrong. There’s no other way to put it. I hope you take comfort in knowing that God’s justice is swifter and more painful than anything that you or I could dole out to Dragonlady. Otherwise, I’d be calling my friend Vitto who has this kneecap fettish…
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This is so heartbreakingly sad. I hope Bam Bam will come home to you very very soon.
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Not the ending I wanted to hear, but I know that whether it is Bam Bam or another child, you will have one to love, one that needs your love!
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I am so terribly sorry this happened to you and BamBam. If you can’t free him up there are a lot of Bam Bam’s out there. Bam Bam’s and Pebble’s too, looking at a very bleak future.
Will your part of Canada let you do a special needs international adoption?
All you will need is the home study and enough to pay for the adoption. Try looking through the list at Reeces Rainbow. They have several wonderful children in dreadful need of a family Some have Downs and there are also “other angels” with other special needs.
http://www.reecesrainbow.org
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I remember you mentioning all this several months ago, and I was so excited when you started writing this series, mistakenly thinking that this was a new chapter. But it saddens me to realize that it was a re-telling of the events, and all the frustrations that you went through. I hope telling it was cathartic for you. Thanks for sharing.
May the new chapter come to you in 2009.
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Oh Tanis,
I, like you, am enraged at the system. Just because you had, at one time, an allegation against you which has been proven completely and totally spurious — the social workers can’t overlook the FALSE allegation? What if she had alleged that you were a piece of fruit? Your being an abuser is just as false as your being a piece of fruit — yet no one seems real worried that you have a peel and seeds.
What an outrageous stupid system that prevents children from finding forever homes…but what you say about love…so true…no matter what, you have imprinted a little (or .a lot) of Redneck love in this darling little boy.
I believe, for what it’s worth, that all our children come to us by divine appointment. And so many of us here, and I’m sure in other parts of your life, really really believe that your appointment with BamBam is by no means over. It’s gotten interrupted, sure, but I hold fast to the thought and prayer that your appointment with him will continue soon.
Wish there was something to say to make it hurt even a little less. But that love you talked about? Even it comes via the internets and virtual strangers — know that it’s there and it’s real. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all. When we get to read about people who respond to crisis and tragedy as heroes, it makes us all a little stronger to face our lives. So bless you for that.
And Merry Christmas to your lovely Redneck clan.
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my comments on this series totally suck.
But you know how I feel babe.
Love you.
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Damn it all, Tanis. I thought there was a happy ending in store for us in this one. A happy ending for you. I know there’s one out there somewhere, friend.
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I’m happy your good name is clear!
I hope your social workers and Bambam’s foster family help you adopt Bambam. But regardless of the outcome I am sure you will get your new child!
Have a Merry Christmas!!
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And you know how much love comes from this corner right here.
I adore you, brave lady. Here’s to peace.
xoxoxoxoxo
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Tanis, maybe your internet friends should overload the social workers with “Tanis fan mail”! There has to be a resolution. The story isn’t over until BamBam is HOME with his redneck family! If the allegations were proven false, then there is no reason keep him from you. Is there anything we can do to help??
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So do I have your permission to cut that bitch?
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Hopefully Dragonlady is smart enough to stay far, far away from this blog and the comments section. Because I’m pretty sure I could come up with enough people to form a lynch mob with me. I am so, so angry and hurt for you. She is a horrible, horrible person for doing that to you. What goes around, comes around. Hopefully she gets hers back, tenfold.
As for you, my dear. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Your life has been so chaotic and stressful. I’m glad you are surrounded by so much love and support. And I can’t wait for the day that you are able to make the announcement of a new member of your clan.
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Thank you for sharing.
Although I am shocked and near tears, I am still full of love and peace and all that good stuff. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
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This post hurt my heart. But I hope you keep fighting for that little boy, he needs you and your family. My prayers are with you.
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I’m so sorry you came so close and she ruined it. I wish I understood why, so I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. I hope you have a merry Christmas and know that we’re thinking of you. It’s pretty remarkable that you could end this post in a positive way. Best to your family!
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jesus, Tanis. my heart broke for you, reading this. and yet, i know you’re right about love, and i’m glad you have so much of it showered on you.
and i hope 2009 brings lucky little people into your life, forever.
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Tanis, I am so sorry. I was so glad to hear that your name had been cleared, but so sorry to hear that a friend had done this to you. You are *amazing*. And I know that your kids and husband think so too - how could they not??? Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life. I’m hoping that 2009 will be a better year for you and your family.
Mel
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I have loved your blog since the first time I found it. I haven’t been around in a few months due to MAJOR computer issues hitting our family all at once ( nothing in comparison to what you have gone through). I feel so much for your family right now,my anger at the betrayal you and yours had to suffer and still do is beyond belief. After all your family has gone thru to have a friend do this to you is beyond disgusting and shows a true hatred and deep seeded problems on her part. For you too continue to let the light shine through is an inspiration to me.Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and all else to you and yours.
Joanie
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Your strength is amazing, Tanis. I am no stranger to that kind of betrayal and you handled it far far better than I. I wish you peace for the new year, and hope that BamBam somehow ends up with you in the end.
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Tanis,
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go thru this. I know that a betrayal from a friend can cut deep. In a situation like yours it’s hard to fathom. Sending lots of hugs your way! I hope you and your family have a warm, loving Christmas this year and that nothing but good things happen for you in 2009!
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OMG– I don’t know how you do it. How do restrain yourself from calling up and saying “WTF”. You are incredibly strong.
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Did you ever find out detailed allegations? What were they?
I think it’s important in clearing your names (although it’s already been cleared supposedly) by getting something adjudicated in court that you can point to. Seriously pursue malicious slander/libel charges. The fact she left her kids with you is evidence enough that she made false statements to authorities.
Sue her blacked-hearted ass. Make her feel the pain through her wallet if not criminal charges.
You need to fight back. Don’t take it lying down. She should be shunned in your small town like you were shunned yourself.
She shouldn’t be able to hold her head high. Revenge is a bitch. Payback, baby.
Her judgment, ethics and fitness as a mother should be questioned.
Before all that, confront her. We all would like to know the motivation. Let her know you know and maybe she’ll start lying low. Ha! I don’t think she could get any lower than what she’s already done though.
Hugs. My holiday wish is Bam-Bam makes it back in your arms.
Vengefully Outraged,
Scout
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I haven’t commented before, but I am SO SORRY that your family has had to go through this. As if you hadn’t already been through enough. Karma is a bitch and Dragonlady will get what she deserves. Hang in there.
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Thank you Tanis for sharing your story here. Good on you for trying to think positive. I totally admire you for your strength and holding back from beating dragonlady to a pulp. May you and your family get a break in 2009. My thoughts and prayers to you.
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The more I think about this, the more I agree with previous comments that you should sue for slander. I don’t understand how all this works, maybe. Couldn’t you press charges for false claims made against you? She not only hurt you and your family but she wasted the time of the government agencies who had to investigate you. I guess you’d have to prove that she knowingly made a false claim, which could be hard to do…
Ugh.
After reading your story, I told my BFF that if she ever questioned the way I was raising my kid that she god damn well better say something to my face before she just goes calling CPS. We agreed that Dragonlady was totally cowardly.
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Wow-what a strong lady you are. I am still shocked that Dragonlady was the one that hurt you. Unbelievable. It is the best revenge that you were able to come out of this situation with a positive attitude and still with hope. I wish you all the best, Merry Christmas and I hope this New Year brings you everything you deserve. Blessings to you and yours!
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Honey, I am so sorry. I am praying that BamBam is able to come back to you and be part of the Redneck clan. This totally stinks. I can’t believe she did this to you, or worse yet didn’t have the courage to tell you why.
Hugs to you!! and the whole Redneck clan.
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The injustice of this infuriates me. Truly, I believe that yours is the right home for BamBam. You love that little guy, and he belongs with you. A proven false accusation made by a bitter woman should not prevent you from including little BamBam as a member of your family.
I don’t have much I can offer. But I live in your area of the world and I worked in law for many years. If you are interested, you can email me and I will gladly provide you with the names and phone numbers of the two best family law attorneys in Edmonton. (Seriously … no one wants to be on the opposing side of either of these folks.) Perhaps one of them can move the wheels of justice for you and quickly get BamBam back in your arms, where he belongs. No harm can come from talking to them about it.
I am sorry that you have had to go through this, but hold out hope that it will all be resolved in a wonderful and joyous conclusion. And, much as I’m ashamed of myself for it, I also hope that dreadful things happen to Dragonlady for what she has done to you and your family.
Finally, I thank you for sharing that video with all of us. It made me smile. (How much had you had to drink at the time?) You’re all kinds of awesome!
Okay. Let me know if you want those names and phone numbers. Happy to oblige.
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is there any way that you’re mistaken? i hate believing that your best friend could do this to you.
*sigh* i’m so sorry about bambam. it’s just ridiculous that they’d have someone like you not just willing but EAGER to adopt a special needs child and they aren’t jumping through hoops to help you. makes me sick.
well, i hope you can have a wonderful holiday, stupid and/or evil people notwithstanding.
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I”m so sorry that BamBam is not with you. It seems so shitty that instead of putting him with a family that loves him and wants to be his permanent family, the government is bumping him around. Lots of love, you deserve it.
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i’m sorry you are still without sweet bambam but i think you ar handling the situatuin with dragontraitor correctly - cit her out like cancer and dont look back. What good would come of further feeding into the drama, ya know
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Wow, I am so sorry for all you have been through, and your children. I am sure you all have come out stronger and I wish you all the joy, peace & happiness in the world! My heart aches thinking about all you suffering and sadness. I think your a great gal!
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No, no, no. I was so certain that this story had a different ending. One that would have you hanging an extra stocking this year. You’re incredible. Even people looking in through your windown via your blog know it.
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Wow…absolutely amazing! You all are an AWESOME family.
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Aw Tanis. I have no words - no way to express how awful I feel for you. It’s so obvious from everything you’ve written that you’re the perfect mom for this little boy.
And in my heart of hearts, I have to believe that someday, he will be at your table. Because otherwise…Dragonlady wins. And that bitch doesn’t deserve to win a thing.
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I don’t know if you read these or not but i wanted to tell you something anyway. I grew up around special needs children, my moms been a special needs EA for as long as i can remember. They, like the rest of us, need love and acceptance. Sad thing is somtimes there isn’t very many people willing to offer that to a special needs child. You Tannis, are one of the people who is. you are my hero.
As a girl whose best friend has downs and whose brother in law suffers from late development brain wise i feel the need to to tell you all of this and thank you with all my heart.
Your so accepting and your heart is so huge.
I truly belive that bam bam with be with you again someday, im praying it everyday.
thank you for being amazing.
thank you for being you.
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Damn Dragonlady. What a TURD!!!!!!!
Love you, Tanis — just have a feeling fate is gonna work this one out SOMEHOW… you DESERVE to be a mommy to a special little one again. Love DOES heal.
xoxo Gwen
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Oh Tanis darlin’
Bless you and yours. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this and that DL did such a terrible thing to y’all. That is unconscionable.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
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thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m grieving for you & the pain you & your family have suffered. at the same time I’m so grateful to read your story, I am inspired by your honesty & grace. may 2009 bring you more love than you can imagine.
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I found your blog a few weeks before you started posting about BamBam. You’re a wonderful writer and I am so sorry for the loss of your son and for the loss of BamBam. There is a special place for people like the dragonlady. I pray for the best for you and your family.
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I am so devastated for your family, and that includes Bam Bam. Having your name ‘cleared’ isn’t a realistic term, apparently, when dealing with The System. There should be a process that prosecutes people who make false allegations; after all, they perpetrate fraud using the taxpayer’s money, just like any other corrupt entity. You should sue the CRAP out of her.
I tell my kids, when people do things that hurt them, that it’s because some people have no joy in their soul, and we cannot expect out of others that which they don’t experience internally, because you can only give what you have. In that vein, Drangonlady must have some serious black hole inside her that is eating her alive. I don’t know whether to say, ‘GOOD!’, or to mourn that fact, since she’ll only be able to continue dishing it out to people, including her poor children, who must be horribly, horribly confused.
I was once completely betrayed by someone I considered to be a true friend (although it doesn’t hold a candle to what you’ve been through), and who was the mother of my daughter’s best friend. After freaking out, later found out that she is mentally ill, and has repeatedly done similar things to everyone in her life, until she is completely alone except for her husband. It sounds to me like that’s where this woman is headed, too.
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I read what you said about love healing hurt…I’m not so sure..17 years after my son’s death I still feel horrible pain when I think about the time I’ve missed with him.
Although I will think about what you said and hope for the best as time passes…
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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Things have a way of working out, and as far as the Dragonlady is concerned, what goes around comes around. I really had hoped for a much happier ending, but we’ll just call it a work in progress. I wish you and your family a blessed holiday.
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I’m devastated that you are without Bam Bam but that is not my place to be devestated, it’s yours and you’re not.
Your strength is amazing and as the mother of a child I lost, I feel for you and your family.
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I notice that you didn’t mention exactly what the allegations were. Dragonlady told them that you were friends with me - a known pervert and pornography aficionado, didn’t she?
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I really, really hope that there’s still a happy ending to come.
All the best for 2009
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I am so happy your name is cleared from a useless and damning allegation. Which is bittersweet cuz you still suffer from it. I hope and pray BamBam comes to your home soon. They say they do this for the childs expense, but really, he may be a bit young but he still connected to you, and taking you away and keeping you away, isnt best.. But you know this. I hope you have a merry christmas, and new year, and that t