I’ve not been on the Internet much other than to twitter about how I was abducted by aliens, tortured for their sick amusement and had screws twisted into my thumbs. (It’s true.) I may have also tweeted about seeing an abominable snowman and how I grew ice cubes for ass cheeks as I was strapped to a cold metal table with freakishly long scary needles inserted into my abdomen.
It’s hard to blog under those circumstances.
I had a lot of time to compose my inner thoughts and myself during my alien abduction Christmas break. I reflected on all the things that happened to my family and myself over the course of 2008. As with every year, there were highs and lows. New friends found, old friends lost and the circle of life continued onwards.
Because I’m slightly tipsy lazy hitting a creative brick wall with the force of a watermelon being dropped off a bridge, I thought I’d review my year for all my readers my one faithful reader who has stuck with me during my dry spell.
2008 started off with a bang. The shit literally exploded when it Jack Frost froze my sewer pipes. In my bathroom. Which meant sewage was not going down my toilet and into the sewer but rather, coming up into my bathtub.
I had my own little cesspool mere feet from where I lay my head to sleep at night.
The year was off to a shittastic start.
Oh crap!!!
How a real redneck rings in the new year. Yeehaw.
February rolled around and things started looking up. Or at least, my sewage was going down. That was an improvement. I was starting to get slivers from my love affair with my plunger.
(Whoa. That came off way dirtier than it sounded in my head.)
As I shivered out in the sticks of Alberta others were keeping warm across the country by fondling my image.
You know you’ve made it when Her Bad Mother tries to lick you.
My husband likes to think this is art imitating life. He’s a wise guy like that.
By the end of the evening I was feeling a little dirty. And I wasn’t even there. Damn.
When I turned the calendar page to the month of March, my luck started to turn. To my incredible surprise and total shock, I won a bloggy.
Sweet niblets. I didn’t think it was possible.
I may have jumped around and acted like a complete idiot I had just won the lottery. It kinda felt that way. I finally had some leverage to justify my Internet addiction to my husband.
Not that I’d ever need to because he is a supportive and loving husband.
(I totally managed to type that with a straight face. That is emotional growth. So my therapist says.)
April brought even more unexpected surprises along with it. After years of begging for a truck my husband finally listened to my incessant harping and bought one for me. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
A lesson in how to be careful about what you wish for.
I soon learned that it doesn’t matter what the truck looks like on the outside, if one goes 4×4′ing out in the back forty and isn’t careful, U-joints will still break and husbands will be annoyed.
In May I had the opportunity to visit some of the bloggers who did indecent things with my pictures, as I was none the wiser.
Katie was overjoyed to see me. Pictures never lie.
Catherine tried to use her pregnant mammaries as an enticement to let her lick me. She wanted to recreate our photographic love. However, I’m not that type of girl. If any one is going to do the licking, it’s going to be me.
After a wild night of debauchery which included meeting a dream team of Canadian bloggers, we all put our boobs away, rolled up our tongues (or is it more accurate to say put our tongues away and rolled up our boobs???) I toured Toronto with my lady friends, including my beloved Assertagirl and MamaTulip.
Then June rolled around. It was a bumpy month.
The hubs *just* had this fixed. To the tune of three grand. Merry Christmas to me. Sigh.
It was a good thing I had BamBam to cuddle because Boo wasn’t really in a cuddling type of mood.
When July came around I escaped to San Francisco. There, under the guise of going to BlogHer, I got naked with my lady friends and discovered the true meaning of friendship.
The true meaning of friendship: being able to shed ones clothing as well as one’s inhibitions and still be able to look one another in the eye afterwards.
It got a little wild. Boobs were everywhere.
Nothing says ‘Welcome to a Professional Blog Conference’ like french-kissing another blogger.
Soon my reputation as a boob-grabbing, beer guzzling Redneck was spread far and wide. Funny how that happens when one goes on television announcing her lunacy for the entire world to see.
The high I rode during the month of July quickly crashed as August rolled around and my world was dumped upside down. I licked my wounds while I floated in my pool and tried to drown my children.
I tried to teach my nephew, Worm, to swim. He was more interested in letting me bob him around like an apple in a barrel of water.
I spent most of my time in the pool. It was safer to play with the kids in the water than on the trampoline. Ask my bladder. She’ll tell you.
While I didn’t write a lot on my own blog during August, I did manage to drag my pruned and shriveled fingers out of the pool long enough to write a guest post for a friend. After years of blogging about my own vagina, I took advantage to finally talk about another woman’s. It was a magical cooter moment.
With September came my birthday.
I celebrated a lot. With whipped cream. One doesn’t turn 33 every year, after all.
In October I had the pleasure of introducing the world to Gay Ray. I didn’t want to have to spill Shawn’s dirty little secret, but he left me no choice after he tried to pull a fast one on me.
Never advance the age of a Redneck woman with a blog and a wicked sense of humour, peoples. Especially if that Redneck woman has friends with too much time on their hands and a twisted bent to their personalities. You never know what type of revenge I’ll she’ll dish out.
Photoshop fairy dust was sprinkled far and wide over the internet during August and it wasn’t long before I was morphed into a gun-toting, moose-shooting bikini clad Redneck.
Making Rednecks everywhere proud.
In November I had the opportunity to kick back and show a Polly Pocket doll fellow blogger my roots as a Redneck as we sat back and enjoyed a few brews in a local Albertan honky tonk.
While I love Ali to itty bitty pieces (heh), I could do with out feeling like I was a thundering giant.
Finally, December arrived and with it, embarrassing and poorly sung Christmas carols, more chocolate consumed than a body can absorb and personal revelations as I came clean about our adoption journey.
It was enough to drive a gal crazy.
Happy New Year everyone. May the new year bring us more joy, love and happiness than we all can stand. Or at the very least, may we all win the lotto jackpot so we can start our own personal communes wherever we choose. Where the boobs and the booze flow freely.
(Hey. You run your commune how you choose and I’ll do the same.)
In the meantime, I’ll be here, holding my breath as I wait for a commune invitation.
72 Comments
Can’t believe you forgot to mention that you had sex with your husband while on the phone with me. Bitch!
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My commune will give out gratis uterine ablations for me and torture devices for Dragonladies. Woot!
Cheers!
~Scout’s Honor
htpp://unitedstatesofmotherhood.com
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The commune is coming. Just looking for finances without having to give special favors to boys. Cause in the commune, the special favors will only be for the ladies.
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THIS IS A COMMUNE INVITATION.
Happy new year. I got you out of it, so I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.
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It’s been quite a year! I hope 2009 brings much happiness and more photochop fun
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It was quite a roller coaster year for you…the maple leaf bikini alone would do most women in. Reading your work has been my pleasure and I look forward to seeing even more of you in 2009.
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What a great recap! Hope 2009 is great to you.
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Happy New Year!
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So, first you tell us pictures never lie, then further down you’re all photoshop…hmmm…
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LMAO!! @ “put our tongues away and rolled up our boobs” Age is SOOO catching up with us.
Thanks for the recap of the year. Some of us *raises her hand* are new to your blog and that was a neat little look back on your past year.
May 2009 bring you even more enjoyment!!
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Your one faithful reader wishes you a wonderful 2009. You deserve it.
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My commune will include lots of boobs, no doubt. I think our communes would get along just fine.
Thanks for sharing so much of your life with us. Here is to better and better times for the Redneck family!!
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Happy 2009! I don’t have a commune to invite you into, but I would happily join yours…. I think though, that you may have to come the the proper side of the mountains…. here in BC we have the same amount of frickin’ snow, plus, it costs about a zillion times more to live… wait, your side might be better….
Anyhoo, I hope you have a great 2009 and please keep all of us “faithful” with something to read.
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Congrats on all the ups of 2008. It was great to meet you in person at Blogher, even if I was nervous and made an a$$ of myself.
I hope 2009 brings you and your family all sorts of happiness!
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Excellent review of the year (especially the french kissing another blogger part. is it cool that I’ve blown that up into life size cardboard cut-outs?)…anyway, great review, and I look forward to your debauchery in 2009.
By the way, I’m a closet redneck. It’s true, I watch Nascar. I wear flannels. And I drink oodles of beer.
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Happy New Year and may 2009 bring much happiness to you and your family.
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Happy New Year Tanis!
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It’s ok, Tanis. You can totally admit that making out with me was WAY better than winning a Bloggy. No one will think less of you. We’re in a progressive era, you know.
heh.
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Happy new year!
Here’s to a better year for you this year ~ ~ ~
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SO I feel stupid that I just realized you have a tattoo on your arm… I’m curious. What does it say?
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As a fairly new (and very loyal) reader, it was really nice to see the year in review
I uhm… think I have your truck’s twin sister. As an FYI, brake lines also break easily, and so do the hydraulic lines to the plow. Not that I had ANYTHING to do with those “incidents” of course.
And as soon as we get our commune going, I’ll be sure to send you an engraved invite. Just waiting for the winning lotto ticket
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Time lapsed blogography.
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Commune? I don’t think so darl… but feel free to blog about it. I might just tune in!!
Seriously though - you are a pearl amongst the swine, dear Tanis. Love your writing (even if your ‘bendy’ references make me blush just a little!) and hope your 2009 brings you all the joy you deserve.
Can I also acknowledge your long-suffering hubby. They get forgotten a bit in the melee of the gal-blog. Mine sure gets tired of sharing his wife with the laptop!! Yours is much more patient than my Mr Incredible…
Hugs and *chink* with a cold chardonnay!!
BB
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Happy New Year! Looking forward to more good reading in 2009. thanks!
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great recap (lick). i really (lick) liked all the (lick lick) pictures of you (lick).
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You made out with Loralee? Woah. And for the record, I wake up looking like that each and every day. The screaming never ends.
Here’s to building the best kick-ass rack commune in 2009.
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Happy New Year Tanis! I hope 2009 brings you and your family tons of redneck fun and joy!
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As someone who shares a September birthday, I think this year was just crap for all of us. I turned 33+2. I no longer say it out loud because almost exactly one month later I had a stroke.
Reading this helped me through a lot of therapy. Physical, occupational, and speech therapy. Remind me to tell you about the time I had to count change while on sedatives for speech therapy.
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Terrific! Your year in photos…an excellent post. And I think I’ll refrain from telling you which photos are my faves…and what I might do with them. A boy deserves some privacy…right?
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That was really the best review I’ve seen yet!
Kudos!
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Happy New Year to you; not so much to Dragonlady.
A most “revealing” post that no doubt truthfully and honsetly sum up a most interesting you. So why I wonder did the label comedy appear?
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You got a truck? Sweeeeet ride….
Happy New Year, Tanis!
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Your year has been full of ups and downs but in the end, you have an awesome life!! Good Luck in all you do, I look forward to reading your blog in 2009!! Thanks for the laughs.
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Happiest of New Years to you and yours, T!
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One of the (very, very few) good things about my 2008 was finding you.
Cheesy, I know, but still true.
Here’s to 09 being WAY better for all of us!
xo
b.
(add to resolutions: lick tanis)
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Where do you get this stuff? My head would explode with all that creative juice just flowing around in there all the time. You really do a great creative job of relaying your thoughts.
I am wrangling finances any and every way possible so I can go to Blisdom 09 which is only like a 4 hour drive from my house. I want to hear you, see you….lick you….just kidding, I’ll let you do the licking…anyway….I’m excited since it does look like I’ll get to go…whoooo hoooooo
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I lost my virginity in a truck like that. In fact, it’s possible THAT truck was THE truck!
P.S. I would totally commune with you!
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Happy New Year! Wishing you and your family the best in 2009.
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Ah, my partum boobies, long may they droop.
(Also, how fucking long is my tongue? Ew.)
XOXOXOXOX
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Happy happy New Year pretty lady. Why you so pretty? Inquiring minds want to know. And lick.
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Happy New Years Tanis! Great post!!! Love the pictures haha!
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Holy CRAP! I am exhausted just READING about your damn year!!
That was craptastic! I mean FANtastic!! yeah, that’s what I meant….
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This was the best roundup I have read yet! Ever!
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Happy New Year you crazy yatch!
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I just started reading your blog, so it was nice for you to go thru the year for me. I learned quite a bit about you, LOL. I wish you a happy new year.
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I too am a new reader and the 2008 summary was very entertaining AND informative. I also think I like Canadian rednecks better than American ones.
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That was the most fun I’ve had reading a blog post! Happy New Year!
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Happy New Year, Tanis! It’s been a rough road, but this year will be fantastic. I just know it.
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HNY Tanis Raising a tall Big Rock in your general direction. (That’s a beer for all of the non-Albertans) Hope 2009 is happy prosperous and not full with sewage or bureaucrats (ironic no)
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Glad to have you back, Redneck.
We’ve missed you.
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Girl, you can put me on your annual newsletter mailing list any day of the week! Awesome!
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That Shawn is one handsome man. He just oozes wit and charm too.
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Many happy returns Tanis. Glad to hear from you.
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Happy New Year Tanis!! That’s the best I can do with my frozen brain in this cold, god-forsaken province.
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Hope 2009 didn’t start off with the same BANG and hope 2009 is a great year for you.
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You’ve had quite a year. Can’t wait to see what 2009 brings! Happy New Year, biotch!
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I like your commune. My boobs are pretty saggy, but with enough booze nobody will notice, right?
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glad you’re back.
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Happy New Year!
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That’s quite a year you’ve had…so glad I got to be a small part of it! xo
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Well, it was good to see your ‘08 roundup post. I kept looking and looking and looking… and then, WOW, was there stuff to see! lol
I sincerely hope that your 2009 is bigger and better than ever. You soooo deserve it!!!
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That was great Tanis.
Thanks for beeping, I’ve missed you.
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i just found you through another awesome blogger. upon reading this then the bladder story, (which made me laugh so hard i had an asthma attack, well worth it i say). you dear redneck mommy are awesome and super funny
thank you very much for the laughs i truely needed them
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thanks for being so brave! <3
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Happy New Year!
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okay, seriously? now everyone can stop yelling at me when i call myself a midget…i think that’s proof right there!
happy new year, Miss!
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Gives new meaning to the s**it hitting the fan… onward and upward for 2009
gp in montana
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I hope you have a Happy New Year.
And I hope you share it all with us.
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We’re having this commune in Mexico on the beach, right? Cause cold bewbs? Eww.
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I’m all for starting a NEW commune. Where tall chicks can wear heels (if they feel like it) but mud boots are just as stylish. We can take your truck out and get it stuck in the mud then celebrate with a shot and a beer (the WI standard for keeping your blood warm) afterward. The only “gotcha” is that I want my own ATV.
Happy New Year!
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Hahahaha! Ali totally is a Polly Pocket doll! She makes me feel like a giant too.
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I just found your blog and I think it’s great.
Happy New Year and may 2009 be filled with lots of love and adventure…..and more french kissing of other bloggers.
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