There comes a time in every parent’s life when they have to take their kids on a road trip.
Today is my day.
I’m facing a six hour drive, alone in the vehicle with a dog and three children and no husband to provide a buffer between us.
It’s going to get ugly.
I do this, because well, I have rocks for brains. And because Jumby has yet to meet his cousins and his aunt and it’s time.
I do this because having 13 children, six adults and one dog under one 1200 square foot house’s roof sounds like some bizarre insane torture technique fun.
I do this because I am determined my status as the world’s coolest auntie.
I do this because Boo’s family love me more and if we ever divorce I get custody of them and he can go find a new family.
Today, I’m hitting the road with my Go Girl in hand and wind at my back.
In six hours from now, I’m sure I’ll be banging my head against the side window while my children try and claw their way out, looking for an escape.
Wish me luck peoples.
And if you wouldn’t mind, share with us all your most horrifying road trip stories. It’ll amuse me when I am finally able to free myself from the vehicle and hide from my children with a bottle of wine that had better be waiting for me when I get to my inlaw’s house.
Have a great weekend everyone and pray for me.
Friday, 27 March, 2009 at 22:03
Delurking to sympathize – Worst road trip ever when kids were five and seven. We went to theme park 4 hours from home and the husband, kids and I all got food poisoning. We discovered we were sick around midnight when the five year old sat up in bed, said “I don’t feel so…” and put Linda Blair to shame with her projectile vomiting. Trying to clean her, the bed, the wall, etc. up when the seven year old started. We checked out about 5 a.m. when we thought the kids ran out of puck and began the ride home.
My husband decided the “quickest” route home was the winding road through an unending National Forest. I get car sick anyway and a bellyful of brewing salmonella didn’t help. He had to pull over about every 5 miles in the forest to let one of us out to puke. Then I discovered I was also hit with explosive diarrhea, in the forest, with only a used kleenex. Thank God it was early before a lot of traffic was out because I don’t care who saw me, I had to GO, repeatedly. I eventually was forced to use socks to wipe with and I left them in the forest (they’re biodegradable, right?)
The four hour trip took over six hours and by the time we were within 10 miles of home, my husband started puking and we had to fight over who was going to finish the drive home.
Just avoid theme park food called “A Taste of America” – it doesn’t taste so hot the second time around…
Friday, 27 March, 2009 at 23:13
S.F. to SLC…in a van….3 kids ages 3,5,7 and 1 dog….one TV/VCR plugged into the cigarette lighter while Home Alone played over-and-over-and over….and over again….for 15 hours…and me at the wheel with God as my co-pilot…and he must’ve been asleep because I was a mumbling fool when we arrived.
Wishing you luck…
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 2:02
You youngsters these days know not how to travel ! Way to long ago the bitter 1/2 and I (I spelt it like that on purpose with love in my heart) when we went on a trip let the kids have the run of the bowling ally behind the front seats. Believe it or not all 3 of them survived not being tied down with seat belts and are now moms and dads to my 10 grandkids that if we had known how much fun they would be we would have had them first. Those old station wagons were a wonderful invention. I used to work up north 30 days in and then 12 days off. When I got home Moma Bear and I would pack up the kids and go explore Canada & the States with the kids. It was like having 2 weeks holidays every month. The teachers did not think much of the idea but now after all is said and done if you ask my kids they will tell you it was some of their fondest memories. Family times are great times and we still have lots of them.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 3:57
After reading your first sentance I was thinking ” oh the HORROR”…My 3 year old is evil incarnate after 10 minutes in the car…forget 6 hours.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 6:16
Since we got the minivan with the DVD player, I sometimes forget we have kids in the car with us.
Until someone has to pee. Or vomit. Or looks at the other one.
Second thought, some things never change.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 6:45
Drove from Illinois to Florida with 2 kids under 6.
Heard “Shrek” played on a dvd player approximately 32 times.
A leaky poopy diaper all up the back and onto the car seat of one child somewhere around Kentucky…
Smelled GREAT.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 7:14
I’ve never been on a road trip with kids, but I have been on a road trip with a cat. A grumpy old cat with a voice like an opera singer. I had to move him from my parents’ house to my own, a distance of about 900 kilometres, and the car seemed the only viable option. We did drug the cat a little bit, but it wasn’t enough to knock him out properly – he’d wail for 30 minutes, then suddenly fall asleep for maybe 1 hour, then wake up again all confused and scared and ANNOYED, and wail for 30 minutes more. Repeat for 14 hours.
It’s been 6 years, and I swear my ears are still ringing.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 7:58
you are the world’s coolest auntie
but
would you like some cheese with that whine?
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 8:50
OY.
Good luck. Hope that 6 hour drive includes several stops along the way.
Hopefully it’s at least a scenic drive…
I’d be prone to do it either early in the morning or late at night for the peace and quiet advantage…
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 9:20
when i was a little younger my parents and i would go on a road trip somewhere. i would always inevitably have to pee. My dad on one trip was not having it. he kept saying hold it, we are almost there, just hold it.
finally my mom pulled out the big guns, she looked at my dad and said, “honey she is on her period, you need to pull over or she is going to bleed on your seat.”
SCREEEEECH. he pulled right over.
I peed.
i was not on my period.
hahahahahha we won!
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 13:03
we have many road trip stories – my favorite – we were pulled over the side of the road because our son got car sick – he was maybe 15mos – well we stripped him down and cleaned him up, left him in the car, while we cleaned out his car seat – all of a sudden we hear click – little bugger locked us out of the car, keys were inside on the passenger seat. It took us at least 10 min to coerce him to unlock doors.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 13:25
Heh. When I was a kid, not too many people in New York had cars. My family was extremely close with another one (to the point that we were all brothers and sisters and parents were interchangable- going off a tangent here, it’s a really lovely way to live, and we are all still very close. my family is very small- no cousins or anything so it was a nice way to get an extra couple of sisters and all). My father would take us on long roadtrips together. By us I mean myself, my brother and 2-3 sisters, mother, aunt, and uncle. Not in a minivan but usually in a sedan. If we were lucky, we might get a minivan or a station wagon. I remember one year we drove to florida, my father driving non-stop. So many stories to tell, but I think the one that sticks out in my mind the most was one time, on our way home, we got pulled over by a cop for speeding (you try driving new york to florida without speeding when you can’t afford a hotel). The cop comes up and talks to my father.
Cop: “Sir, did you know you were travelling 87 miles per hour?”
My father (genuinley surprised, and a little pleased): “I was? Really? I didn’t think she had it in her” (her being the broken down POS volkswagon we rode in)
Cop looks at my father being serious, looks in the back seat at the screaming children and yelling adults, looks back at my father, realizes what is going on and sighs. He shakes his head, then tears us the ticket, patting my father on the shoulder and walks back to his car to drive away.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 14:33
Driving cross country when Giggles was 19 months old to move to San Diego from Orlando. Hubby was already in San Diego as he was transferred there months earlier and his stupid CO wouldn’t give him leave to help me drive the thousands of miles. Shortly into the trip I stopped at a hotel overnight, when we left I put my purse on top of the car and then drove away. A trucker saw the purse fly off the roof of my car and stopped picked it up and followed me for three hours-getting really close and flashing his lights and motioning for me to pull over. I decided that he must be a serial killer preying on young mothers so I just drove faster. When we got to our next destination-lunch. I found that I didn’t have my purse or any money. I then drove back to the hotel (hours) to get my purse. They didn’t have it, I was sure that the seedy lady who seemed a little too anxious stole it and all of my traveler’s checks. The trucker called my great aunt in New Mexico because her number was the only number in my purse. Well, she thought the trucker had kidnapped me because he claimed to have my purse and wanted to know where to send it. It was crazy, crazy. I lost my purse in FL, it got shipped to Ohio, then overnighted to my great aunt’s house in New Mexico where I picked it up. At the time I was a smoker-the whole trip I kept getting carded. When I got my purse back no one seemed interested in looking at my ID. Oh and the whole trip Giggles at ketchup packets because that is the only way I could keep her entertained in the car.
Fun times! Sorry this was so long-hopefully you get a laugh.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 18:13
Driving from Wa to AK. Somewhere in the Yukon territory I really had to pee and refused to stop the car for pictures because I could see a portapotty close by. Who cares if a lone wolf was trotting majestically across the ice of some lake. I argued, truthfully, it would be remembered better if we didn’t take a picture.
Saturday, 28 March, 2009 at 19:28
My little guy and I took a road trip from Salt Lake City to Sacramento by ourselves when he was just a wee lad of not quite 3. I was a mess because the husband had just jetted away for 3 months of Air Force training, but otherwise you really couldn’t expect a 10 hour drive with an autistic toddler to go any better. We were stuck in traffic in Reno for several hours though, the highlight of which was watching the woman in the car in front of us blow the driver.
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 6:06
We have been making the two day trip from West Virginia to Maine for the past 16 years with our four kids!
Yes…Dramamine is my friend.
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 14:54
Just read your Twitter Tanis – everything crossed for you guys. Hoping the next news is good news…
Hugs
BB
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 15:24
I also got the twitter about Boo. Praying madly for all of you. You so deserve peace and joy, not this torment.
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 15:34
Oh boy, this one’s easy for me. In 2000 I moved from Virginia Beach, VA to Bangor, Maine after my divorce. It was me, my then 3 year old autistic daughter Hallee, my ancient siamese cat Charlie and everything we owned in the world being pulled behind my car in a U-Haul. Now first of all, the U-Haul has huge “45 mph” warnings pasted all over it. Apparently the hitch attachment isn’t guaranteed to hold up over 45 mph. Have you driven on I-95 lately? Ever? Yeah, exactly…75 mph is considered slow on I-95. So I’ve got the hugely aggitated autistic toddler, a howling, yowling pissed off and pissing, as a matter of fact, older than dirt siamese cat and the car shaking like it has Parkinsons disease because I’m driving faster than the aforementioned 45 mph.
The first day we went from VA to Cherry Hill, NJ, where we spent the night with a kindly aunt who was willing to have us park on her front lawn because I was afraid to try reversing the car/U-Haul combo. Oh, did I mention that due to my total lack of directional ability, we went over the Tapanzee (sp?) bridge 3 times? Yes, we did. I had to pay 3 times for a car pulling a trailer. That was pretty fucking awful. Day two found me stopped at a small mom and pop garage waiting for Gomer to try to figure out why the break lights weren’t working on the U-Haul. (The nice state trooper in CT was nice enough to pull me over and inform me that my lights were out on the U-Haul) 3 hours later, we were back on the road. We pulled into Augusta, Maine late that night and arrived in Bangor the next morning. To this day I haven’t taken another road trip. If I can’t fly, we don’t go. Period.
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 17:13
I’ve got a 10-hour trip on Friday, with only 2 children. But they’re 4.5 and almost 2. And the almost 2 is potty training and WILL NOT use a diaper. I’m dreading dragging the two of them into the myriad of nasty bathrooms that I’m sure we’ll discover.
My thoughts are with you this weekend. Especially after hearing about BOo. Hope all is well! Thinking about you!
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 17:27
Read your tweet, sending healing energy to all.
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 19:32
So relieved to hear Boo is doing better. Hope there is a big old bottle of wine wherever you are tonight. God Bless!
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 20:32
Good Lord, you are full of the crazy! Good luck and I hope everyone makes it there and back intact!
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 21:07
I know you tweeted there were some awesome stories here but would you believe we’ve have nothing but awesome on all our roadtrips? In fact, Declan’s behavior gets BETTER on the road.
[Maybe that's the weirdest story of them all.]
Sunday, 29 March, 2009 at 23:28
when I was fourteen, my family (four siblings and our parents) went on a road trip up the ‘Mother Load’ (where all those fuckers got rich off of gold in california… whoopdee fucking doo), and I got my period. For the first time.
I was too afraid that I was going to bleed all over the pool ala Blue Lagoon or that someone would see my tampon string to go swimming. In the summer. In the desert.
Oh, and? I get carsick.
I hope yours was better, love.
xo
b.
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 6:22
You are way brave. I’m not sure if you survived because it’s Monday. And you aren’t back yet. Oh man.
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 13:01
I don’t do long road trips with my kids…guaranteed panic attack!
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 13:14
Hey girl, I’m back….
Last year, we took an 18 hour road trip with all 4 of our children. While I had my wife there with me to assist in beating and torturing the kids, it was freakin’ hell.
We’re doing it again this year…
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 15:04
*snort* the old road trip hey?! LOL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!
Im from a family of 4 kids. Squashed in the back of an old 70’s something model ford (you know the ones with the vinyl roof – HAWT!) ANY time we went ANYWHERE the oldest would spit ‘don’t touch me don’t look at me don’t talk to me don’t breath on me don’t think about me’ …. All before we had left the driveway. A lil’ tricky when you’ve got 4 kids on the backseat to avoid some touching or assumed ‘looking’ while craning your neck to see out the windows. Still, I would always rather sit next to her as the youngest one got car-sick HAHAHA. Yea, our family trips were real fuuuunnn with a capital NOT!
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 16:18
Good luck.
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 19:47
Looking back, I have to say it was easier traveling with the nipple nuzzlers, than with the teenagers.
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 20:02
GIRL! You may not know that my husband has lived 8 hours away for over 15 months. I can’t even tell you how many times my eyes have filled with tears and my soul with dread as I looked at a van loaded up with suitcases and kid paraphernalia…and still managed to get in, AND miraculously got us all there alive.
You did it! I’m so proud of you.
Monday, 30 March, 2009 at 20:03
After tiring of dooce.com, I found my way to your blog. The first post had me peeing my pants (literally!) See, I have real urination issues. I have the typical laugh/sneeze dribble lots of other moms have but my real issue is that I can’t go in the water when out boating. I literally use disposable cups and throw them overboard. The go-girl had me at hello. Plus, your writing is pretty damn funny also. Ahh, a new cyberstalking friendship…
Tuesday, 31 March, 2009 at 2:32
After reading all those comments, and seeing your tweets… praying for Boo. Hope the awesome dude gets back home soon.
Tuesday, 31 March, 2009 at 6:35
So glad that Boo is OK and that you all are back home!
Hey– I don’t know what you do with awards these days… but I gave you one today! And it was partially inspired by you, because I adore your honesty and the hilarity that you bring to the web every time you post. You are a fabulous writer and person! So go check it out if you get a chance to get away from your frisky patient.
Tuesday, 31 March, 2009 at 8:49
Good luck! My worst road trip was actually in my own city! I am from “the city” aka Minneapolis. I have my bank in Minneapolis. It’s a local, I like to keep it local. It’s a pain in my ass.
I now live three cities away. A trip to the bank is somewhat of a trek. Well, my three year old got carsick. I guess I had the heat up too high. About 1/2 a mile from home he said, “Mom, my mouth tastes yucky.” Had to pull over in a parking lot.
Now every time we drive by there he says, “Mommy, someone parked in my puke!”
Tuesday, 31 March, 2009 at 13:42
Blimey. Good luck. And thanks for enlightening me in the way of the portable toilet (for girls.)
Tuesday, 31 March, 2009 at 14:12
You get a million points for incorporating the Go Girl in this post.
Wednesday, 1 April, 2009 at 2:26
Oh I have a story for you babe. Oh BOY do I have a story.
Best it wait till you are safely home and not planning on any more trips.
Oh yeah. It is THAT kind of story.
Wednesday, 1 April, 2009 at 10:32
When I was… maybe 10? my step-mom took me to Ohio from North Carolina to see family. We’d made the trip before and I considered myself a pretty good child-traveller. Anyway, we stopped for gas and munchies and my oh-so-cool mom let me pick my own snack. Being 10, I chose Cooler Ranch Doritos and Yoo-Hoo… You know, the nasty not-milk chocolate milk… At this point in the trip, we were in the mountains… Not long after devouring my tasty snack, said snack was, um, revisited, all over the car, the roadside, and probably me and Mom. Awesome, huh? I totally need to call my mom..
Wednesday, 1 April, 2009 at 10:37
You know, a true redneck doesn’t need a “device” to piss when a bathroom isn’t available. Trust me, I have peed everywhere from the midwest to the east coast and back (and even once on a drunk bender in vegas, but that’s another story)
Wednesday, 1 April, 2009 at 11:22
Good luck!!
I hope Jumby enjoys the weekend =)
Friday, 3 April, 2009 at 23:34
We make a five-hour trip to see grandparents regularly with 3 kids. Once when they were 3, 2 and about 6 months we thought we’d drive after dinner so they would sleep–we’d arrive at the hotel around 1 a.m., we thought, and “transfer” them one by one to the room, and maybe they’d sleep through. Well, you know where this is going. We fed them a nice big dinner, packed them up, they slept beautifully for hours, we pulled up at 1 a.m. as planned, my husband goes inside to register and then looks back to see me waving at him madly. When I went around to open the car door on the three carseats, the 6-month-old woke up just enough to start projectile vomiting copiously all over the car, herself, me, brothers. . .all that great macaroni and cheese from dinner . . I couldn’t even get near her to help. Naturally once she stopped puking she started to howl. Nobody slept till 4.
Tuesday, 7 April, 2009 at 7:24
I’m a long time lurker but just had to comment! I’ve been on a few trips with the kids by myself. The first major one was when I just had my oldest. It was pretty smooth. 20 hours on a flight from San Antonio, Texas to Frankfurt Germany. He was only 4 months old at the time. However, the airlines miss placed my reservation on the connecting flight. Luckily they found it before the plane left.
The second was when I left Germany and traveled to Detroit. He was 2 1/2, I was 3 months pregnant and the connecting flight was in Paris. I managed with the help of a fellow American. I only had 1 hour to find my next gate. Oh and we had to travel the length of the airport, going through about 6 security checks. Oh and I had a stroller…because I thought that would make it easier…2 carry on bags and 2 cats that had to be taken out of their carriers to go through security at every freaking check point. The weirdest part of the flight was that I had an Arabic guy in his 50s hitting on me in front of his 4 kids, wife, and mother in law offering to get me a small bottle of wine. He also asked for my phone number right before we landed.
The last major trip I took was from Detroit to San Antonio. This time I had 2 kids. Ages 4 and just under 2. It was a smooth take off but the kids were scared. We sat next to an older lady that seemed to take up 2 seats but was very sweet and understanding. A lot of turblence. And during the landing my youngest decided it was best to loose his lunch. I’m considering traveling by car next time.