There is nothing harder in the world than having to say good bye to your child.
It is a pain no parent should ever know. Tears that should never be wept.
We enter parenthood in good faith, with dreams of watching our children grow up and become parents themselves. Images of little league games and school pageants, followed with learning to drive and onto dating.
We try to visualize our children’s future all the while breathing in their sweet smells and blowing raspberry kisses on their little bellies.
We moan and groan over potty training foibles and temper tantrums in the grocery store. We dread the teenage years and the rebellion we know which must surely follow. We never think of the possibility of not having another tomorrow with our child.
It’s unfathomable.
We do everything in our power to give our children the tools they need, the love they need to succeed in life, with the hope their lives will be everything they dream it to be.
What we don’t ever imagine is being robbed of that joy, of that promise, of that life we created or adopted.
It is unfathomable to think we can have a child one minute and only a memory the next.
Two of our fellow mommy bloggers and their husbands are facing this reality. Two of our own, in this electronic community we have created online for ourselves are struggling with the knowledge there will be no prom dates, no more raspberry kisses.
Two more families now have to face their new unimaginable reality and deal with the fiercest pain they will ever know.
I’m in Los Angeles to help the Spohr family say goodbye to their beloved Maddie. Meanwhile, I’m sending prayers to Thalon’s family and asking my Bug to play with his newest little angel friend.
I wish I didn’t have to.
I wish I didn’t have an angel of my own to talk to.
I wish I was anywhere else but here.
I wish I could say this was unfathomable.
But I know it’s not.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 4:46
This is just so horrible. God bless you, Tanis, for going to lend some comfort to Maddie’s family. And to Thalon’s family … To all the men and women who responded here saying they too lost a precious child, I am so sorry. Hugs and lots of love coming from Germany to you …
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 7:24
May you be a blessing and encouragement to these families that are going through what I imagine to be worst possible pain in life.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 8:51
I work as a nurse in a pediatric cancer unit and I unfortunately deal with parents losing their children on a somewhat regular basis. It never NEVER gets easier for me. It is always unimaginable and profoundly unfair.
I remember a few years ago, I read an article about a parent who had lost her child to cancer. A year after his death, she still found herself crying every day and she contacted her therapist to discuss the fact that she didn’t feel like she was “getting over it”. The therapist began by asking her what term we use for someone who has lost a spouse. The mother said, “A widow/widower.” Then the therapist asked her what term we used for a person who had lost both their parents. The mother replied, “An orphan.” Then the therapist asked, “So what term do we use for someone who has lost a child?” The mother paused and thought about it for a while and then said, “I don’t know. Is there one?” The therapist shook her head and replied, “Losing a child is so horrible, so painful, that we have not even given it a word in the English language.” She went on to say that something that indescribable must surely require more grieving, and she encouraged the mother to grieve as long and as hard as she needed to.
Everyone’s grief is different and lasts as long as they need it to. And no one can tell them how they should feel or not feel. God bless you, Tanis, for being a quiet comfort to them and for just telling them that they are not alone. I’m sure it means more to them than they can ever say. But they don’t need to say anything to you, do they? You know. You just know.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 8:53
so heartbreaking. your story… their stories… this world is so unfair… my heart just aches and i know that it is not even anything CLOSE to what I could even IMAGINE a mother would feel if the unfathomable occurs….
what can i say????? theres nothing -
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 9:47
Oh, how very very sad. Thank you so much for providing links. Have a safe trip. I’ll be thinking of you all. xo
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 11:09
safe travels.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 11:58
You are an amazing person for making this trip to be with Mike and Heather. If anyone can understand what they’re going through, it’s you.
I can’t even wrap my mind around this kind of loss. I was torn apart and devasted when I lost my baby, but he was never born, never outside of my womb. I knew him, but I didn’t ever get the chance to hold him. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt, so I can’t imagine if it was a child that was once living.
Hugs to you, the Spohrs, and Thalon’s mommy and daddy.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 12:02
I love you, T. So much more to say, but no more words left.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 13:27
A little over a month ago I got to watch my 85 year old grandmother bury her almost 63 year old son. My inlaws buried 2 of their 3 sons. I’m not sure it ever gets any easier as they get older. I’m so sorry for all of you who’ve lost your children. And I’m so grateful things worked they way they did the night my youngest was born….
With so much sympathy,
Tryl
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 13:46
I just saw that you are going to the funeral for sweet Maddie Moo. I can’t believe this is happening. I wish I could have went but I am there in prayer.
Tuesday, 14 April, 2009 at 21:38
My heart hurts so much for both of these families. You are truly a wonderful person for being there physically and emotionally for Maddie’s family.
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 0:02
I think as a mother of two that is my worst fear that I don’t even like to go anywhere near!! To lose a child is unthinkable. my deepest sympathy to all of the souls involved ! Tracy
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 2:41
It truly is unfathomable. So so sad. But what a great community!
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 9:08
Tanis, you are a truly remarkable woman. I was thinking about you and the Spohrs all day yesterday. To willingly open your heart and your arms to them, knowing the pain will be excruciating; I admire your strength.
The internet community is in mourning. I have been crying over Maddie and Thalon all week, and I didn’t even know them until these tragedies. What a blessing to the families that they have so many people supporting them in real life and online.
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 14:41
I love you.
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 15:40
You are right, it is unfathomable.
Thank you Tanis, for putting your unending kindness out there for these families. Your strength will help them now, and so will Bug’s.
Wednesday, 15 April, 2009 at 22:44
I’m quite sure Thalon is playing with both Bug and Maddie. I’d lose all faith in all that is holy if it weren’t true.
Thursday, 16 April, 2009 at 9:09
Prayers to everyone.
Thursday, 16 April, 2009 at 13:03
No parent should ever have to bury a child. My condolences go out to both families…and yours!
Sunday, 19 April, 2009 at 20:51
I sit here night after night, day after day and cry. My heart just aches for both of these families.
I wish I could offer wise words to make the pain go away. I know there are none.
I still grieve from my miscarriage and I grieve over the loss of this ‘life’ we want for our children…for my third child (he was born not breathing, in NICU for 21 days, and now has cerebral palsy) but in the same breath I am grateful that he is here with me.
I just hope they find comfort in all the love that is obviously out here for them.
Monday, 20 April, 2009 at 5:31
That is just so awful. My biggest fear has always been losing a child.
My condolences go out to these families.
Monday, 20 April, 2009 at 10:35
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain. I do hope that this new generation of kids coming up in this world have the ability to beat these types of things off with a huge fucking bat.
Monday, 20 April, 2009 at 11:38
Hopefully they will find comfort in your strength… you are truly amazing for supporting them the way you have.
As much as you were blessed to have him, your Bug was just as blessed to have you. Stay strong, xo.
Thursday, 7 May, 2009 at 2:41
*crying* It still HURTS. I’m not even a parent, and if EFFING HURTS.
Your header, with crying little one, has never seemed more appropriate.
*HUGS*
Tuesday, 19 May, 2009 at 13:40
Sigh. I too have a child who dances in heaven. Her name will forever be Emmma, our Little Bit. In three days it will be four years since she left the earth, passing away from a rare syndrome (cockayne syndrome) when she was three years old. I always say the journey with her was worth the pain but sadness still seeps into my heart, especially this time of year. Slowly the painful memories have been replaced with the joyous ones. I am passionate about helping other families with similar journeys. Blessings to you and your own family.