I have been blogging for what seems like forever in the world of online blogging. Four years. My blog, she is an old and crippled thing already. I can no longer consider myself a newbie at this online writing gig.
But for as long as I’ve been blogging, I’ve been parenting longer. For almost thirteen years now. I’ve got four kids and a schwack of parenting experience under my belt.
Because of this, I rarely jump on any of the band wagon issues that continually make the rounds in the mommy blogosphere. It all seems old hat to me and I never feel like I have anything new or fresh or interesting to add to the conversation. Let the other’s speak for me because there is always someone out there who can say it better than I can.
But this latest mommy blog fever about how declaring oneself a bad mother is nothing but a trend, a social media ploy to sell books or get traffic has quite frankly incited my ire and fury, similar to when a 14 year old boy bullies my 12 year old daughter and bloodies her nose.
It pisses me off enough to make me want to jump on my soap box and break out my bullhorn.
So I am adding my voice to the discussion and breaking my own blog ethics by chiming in.
Where’s Black Hockey Jesus to compose a musical for bad mothering when you need him?
It’s time for a little redneck edumacation if you will.
Oh ya, I’m about to get all sanctimommy-ish and up in yer grill. Now would be the time to click the big red X if you’re not up for a little cussing.
You see, I have had a unique experience that most parents never have had the pleasure of enduring. For the last three plus years I have had my parenting and every parental decision I have ever made, put under a microscope to be dissected and analyzed by a plethora of ‘child raising experts.’
I know first hand just how damaging the social media construct of what a GOOD mother is and the consequences of bucking that trend by being an atypical mother, someone who is unabashedly ‘BAD’.
And I was being bad on my blog and real life before it became the hottest media trend. I was country when country wasn’t cool. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
It started the night Shalebug died and having to spending the next three months facing the firing squad with various Albertan coroners over why my son mysteriously and suddenly died and what did I do to cause it? Those f*ckers were determined to find neglectful or inept parenting as cause of death. In yer face you over-educated schmucks! (Ahem. I’m not bitter. Really. Okay, fack yes I am bitter still. It was a nightmare. Almost worse than having your kid drop dead on you in the first place.)
There is nothing quite like the rigorous investigation of an untimely death by authorities who have the power not only to take away your remaining children but to sentence you to be somebody’s bitch at the local prison while fighting over a bar of soap to strip down your parental beliefs and self-examine your definition of what ‘good’ parenting really is.
Having survived that festive period of time with more scars on me than a man sentenced to 20 lashes for stealing a loaf of bread, I figured I would publicly document my ‘bad parenting’ for the world to see and hence the birth of this blog.
Cuz what’s more fun than writing from the heart to document my experiences with my children and then to be indirectly criticized for “endlessly tapping the vein of faux self deprecation for shock value or cheap laughs or sympathy.”
For the record, there is nothing faux about my self deprecation. Ask my therapist.
Then, as if having my community, my family and myself examine and doubt my parenting skills wasn’t enough fun, my husband and I decided to jump through hoops of fire in a bid to adopt. Not only was my parenting and very inner core examined through this process but again last summer when I was falsely accused of being a baby beater.
For more years than I care to admit, I have had to do nothing but jump through hoops to prove I am not a ‘bad’ mother.
My kids have been questioned, analyzed and dissected and I’ve answered more personality diagnosis multiple choice questions than a crazy person tossed in the loony bin.
A child psychologist invaded my home and sat on my furniture to observe the effect of my parenting on my children’s precious psyches.
I’ve sat at a table of six judgmental professionals and defended my parenting style and choices over and over again.
They didn’t want to, (especially after they discovered my blog) but they HAD to stamp me a ‘good mom’ because according to them, and I quote, “despite Tanis’s unique parenting style, her children are well-adjusted, emotionally happy and highly functional children.”
DESPITE. Not ‘because of’, but despite my parenting. God I love parenting professionals.
What I have learned through all of this and ultimately, my point to this long winded diatribe, is that nothing matters as long as your children turn out to be happy, thriving, functional and well-adjusted adults. (‘Cept Jumby. He may not be functional in the tradional sense of the world but he’ll steal your heart with his smile and his amazingly well-adjusted personality.)
I choose to embrace ‘bad‘ mothering. It’s the only mothering I really know how to do. I am not archetypal mother who dons an apron and helicopters her children. My children happily roam free range, pee in pools and pick their noses.
I am the mother who rejects the dominant cultural narrative of what defines a ‘good’ mother. I am the mother who calls herself a bad mom with her tongue in cheek, not because I am employing a transparent, unimaginative marketing ploy but because I am okay with my imperfections as a parent which goes against the societal imperative for perfection.
It’s not that I’m reveling in ‘bad’ parenting, I’m simply acknowledging that society’s rigid dictates of what a ‘good’ mother is, is not for me. I am not calling myself bad in order to bait people into saying what a good mother I am, I am calling myself bad to share my insecurities and doubts with other mothers (and fathers) who have felt the same pressure to be the perfect parent and wonder why it’s not enough just to love and protect one’s child without having to live up to a definition of parenting that fits as well as a strait jacket.
I am not conforming to media labels, nor trying to influence the next generation of mothers to embrace neglectful parenting. I am neither trying to glamorize the definition of bad parenting nor bastardize the definition of good parenting. I am simply putting one foot forward each day, doing the best I can while maintaining what is suppose to be a humour blog.
If I offend your sensibilities by embracing my inner badness and the irony that accompanies that term, I won’t apologize. I am what I am as Popeye says and it works for my children and for me. I’m not trying to be defeatist nor passive aggressive by labeling myself ‘bad’. This blog isn’t about me being trendy or joining in to be one of the cool kids, it is simply about being me. In all my redneckkin’ bad glory.
It doesn’t matter one hair on a cat’s ass what other people label my parenting or my reflection of it on my blog. Call it good, call it bad, call it redneck-tastic, but it’s all semantics no matter which side you flip this pancake. In the end the only thing that matters is my son is not rattling the bars of a prison cell with a tin can and my daughter isn’t spending her free time trying to self-medicate with sex in the back seat of some doofus’s car.
So, through my blog, if I encourage more parents to imitate my special brand of BAD PARENTING or feel less isolated because of their own parenting techniques, then I say HELL YA.
Cuz if my two children who are happy and well adjusted after the hell they went through when their brother died BECAUSE (not DESPITE) my parenting helped them, then more children could benefit. Plus the child welfare authorities gave me papers saying that I make bad parenting look good so I figure I’m not the worst role model out there.
*Jumps off her sanctimommy soap box and goes to pour a cup of coffee laced with Bailey’s Irish Cream. Cuz I drink first thing in the morning too. I iz da BAD mutha.*
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 7:08
I think you’re a great mom. Sure, there are things that moms would not do the same way as you. (Playing with a stuffed ahem…body part)
However, you are so supportive and a cheerleader for your kids…even when they act like they’re embarrassed they secretly love it. You know they do! Also, there are so few of us who would be willing to adopt a special needs child and I applaud your bravery and compassion. Long live the Redneck Mommy!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 7:18
This whole thing is so completely ridiculous. I don’t understand why anyone cares how you choose to describe YOUR OWN SELF. And all the talk about this being a trend? Every blog I’ve read on this topic (the ones you or Catherine linked) ALL refer to the same ONE article. Please tell me there are more out there to support anyone calling this some sort of media trend. Is it a trend if the Today Show hasn’t run it yet? Maybe they have…So weird.
And, if only to show solidarity with my favorite bloggers, I’m a bad mother too…the good kind of bad.
Natasha Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 8:41 am
@St, Actually, Andrea Gordon’s article has appeared in two places that I know of and Brandie Weikle also wrote an article for her wing of The Star. As well, we have bloggerS adopting the same phrase that Her Bad Mother has been using as her blog title for years, which works out nicely for her.
As well, I don’t think that Jane or I or anyone else is really griping so much about changing the meaning of words around, although I find that to be weak and annoying instead of powerful, it’s the reasoning behind it that bugs us. I don’t believe that changing “bad” to mean “good” is the best solution to a perceived problem but it IS probably the most marketable.
St Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@Natasha, I’d say the real problem here is the assumptions being made that Catherine has tried to start some sort of marketing campaign. Sounds like the same old blogger jealousy crap. It’s why people hate Heather Armstrong and it’s ugly.
Natasha Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am
@St, Bwwwaaahahaha. Yes, it COULD sound like jealousy crap. Which is why I addressed that in Part Deux where I tear into mommy blogger practices and cliches, which I may or may not post. I probably won’t post it because it would really just be to vent and pat myself on the back and I really, genuinely, don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I have zero jealousy issues. None. It’s not my dream to be a hugely popular blogger. If someone offered me that reality tomorrow, I am really not sure that I’d accept it. I have a talent for making my dreams come true and I have no doubt that one day they all will come true. If I wanted to be a really popular blogger, there is a formula and with enough time, I’d get there.
There was no ASSUMPTION that Catherine tried to start a marketing campaign. There was a question. And it’s a freaking logical question! I would like to know if Andrea Gordon came to her or did Catherine write an article or an email and send it out to anyone? Did she initiate this at all or did someone who reads her blog just decide they wanted to do an article on her?
Honesty and integrity are everything in my world. They are powerful beyond measure. And I’m a little sensitive to the lack of such that I see in the mommy blogger world right now (and for years), in general. What a lot of moms might call just “spreading love and positivity” I call disingenuous-ness. I just don’t relate to the mommy blogger community at all and how they talk and the way they comment and so much more and so it RAISES QUESTIONS WITHIN ME.
They’re just questions. I’m open to the concept that I’m wrong. Anyone who really knows me knows that.
St Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@Natasha, “I just don’t relate to the mommy blogger community at all and how they talk and the way they comment and so much more and so it RAISES QUESTIONS WITHIN ME.”
Then I guess I don’t understand why you are here, taking part in the mommy blogger community.
Mr Lady Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@St, best comment in this thread, seriously.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@St,
Which article do they all refer to?
The ones that I had seen in a matter of a few days before writing about it myself included:
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/article/645826
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/News/Being+black/1669328/story.html
http://www.babble.com/The-Cult-of-the-Bad-Mother-When-everyones-a-bad-parent-is-anyone/index2.aspx
http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2009/05/30/babble-talk-the-cult-of-the-bad-mother.aspx
That then reminded me of other articles I had read on it in the past and then came the flurry of blog reactions.
St Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@Annie @ PhD in Parenting, I had only seen the first one there, parent central? I thought if it had been a mainstream media thing I would have heard something about it.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 8:00
You can’t see me, but I’m standing up at my computer shouting: AMEN! SING IT SISTER! PRAISE BE TO BAD MOMMIES! HAL-AY-FUCKING-LU-YAH!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 8:13
I have been a mom for 34 years. Finally, you have opened the door and let the fresh air in. I, too, was ‘unconventional’ in my parenting style. I managed, on my own, to raise two well adjusted, nice people. That is all I had hoped to do and I did it! This perfect mommy, question every decision, make everything a committee decision really is too much. Yea, to you Tanis. Strong woman, terrific Mom!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 8:29
I hope I’m half as good a mom as you to my two boys!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 9:06
I’m not bad, I’m dumb. May yield similar results, but totally different. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your post and am glad to have discovered you and all your rednecked badness. Will be back frequently to marvel in it:)
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 9:16
wow, I’ll be the 150th comment–is that a record? I’m new to reading blogs, so I could just be ignorant, but I think it’s great that so many came by and left their thoughts on this here . . .
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 9:16
YOu go girl…you know you a da bad mom of all da bad mom’s and it works like cheese and bread…work it girl
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 10:10
Call me a dumb Mexican who doesn’t understand english…but to be honest I don’t understand what’s going on??? I think this is the best honest to God blog out there. You are my hero. I stalk your blog like, an illegal to a citizen!!!! LMAO!! I love the rawness that you write with. I read your blogs like as if it’s a lifeline. I feel you speak for the rest of the moms like (ME) who … Damn… if my kids are gonna eat a double chocolate fugde cake for breakfast, because mom is reading her favorite blog in the whole world, then….So be it. Who gives a hoot?? No?? Or am I getting this wrong?? Te adoro, Tanis!!!! You rock in my CASA!!!! (o= xoxox
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 10:39
I’m not a mom. Let me get that out there right now. The reason I read ‘mommyblogs’ like yours, Mr Lady’s, Catherine’s, All & Sundry, Dooce… well, you all are friggin HYSTERICAL. But more importantly, you’re all INSPIRING. Honestly? I’m terrified of having kids, of being a mom, because I think I’ll suck flea-infested-donkey-balls at it. But reading this, and the Bad Mother Manifesto, gives me a bit more confidence. That it’s okay to suck sometimes, and that being a PERFECT mom is ridiculous and scary like clowns and Stepford Wives. Or something. So power to the ‘badASS mothers’ (which maybe would solve the whole semantics argument) and here’s hoping I have the guts to be one someday!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 11:21
I still can’t wrap my head around the whole “Despite” thing. Wow. You’re brilliant, babe. No matter what.
Now, if you’re looking for me I’ll be in the corner in the fetal position sucking my thumb because the mommies are fighting. That’s always been my go-to coping mechanism in situations like these.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:00
You rock sista! I’m very sorry about why you started your blog, but I think most of us moms can relate to the “bad mom” feeling.
Love & Hugs!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:04
You have so many comments, that I rarely bother, although I always read. But Tanis? I’ve been reading here for years and I’d only call you a bad mother in the fun sense of the word. Mostly, I’d say that you seem to be an awesome mom and I love hearing about how you torture the kids, because mine are getting to the point where the good stuff is about to start. The prime, torture my tweens age.
That despite crap, is just that, crap.
I just hope I’m even a quarter good at being a bad mom as you are. *ok, going back to my corner now*
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:08
*gag* Fuck that sanctimonious bullshit. Why do moms have to be so judgemental? And what got that lady’s curlies all in a knot anyway, was it that people call themselves ‘bad mothers’ (seriously — is she just not getting it..?) or was it that she’s not getting enough attention because she’s lame? (She said it. Not me.) Dude, whatever. I’m with you: as long as your kids are healthy, happy, well-adjusted people, who’s freakin’ business is it?
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:18
Wow, well I can see you’ve all said every insightful thing I was planning to write.
I just have to say that I’m thrilled to finally learn that I’m trendy–even if the bad mommy “phase” is doomed to pass, leaving my sad little, blog to wither up and blow away. I’m finally trendy!
But I still ain’t joining the PTA.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:29
Here’s the thing — you spend your whole entire life seeing various media outlets and societies having an expectation of what a mother is. You have the idea that mothers are a certain way, at least the good ones. So if you see a mother who does not conform to whatever ideology you’ve got in your head, then sometimes you end up raising your eyebrows and thinking, “Ooh, she’s a bad mother.”
Now, I’m not talking about bad in the I-find-all-my-baby-sitters-from-the-local-jail-dockets bad, or the mothers who leave their infants home while they go have wild sex with strangers and snort things that definitely AREN’T organic. I’m talking about bad in the sense that maybe these mothers aren’t expecting their children to grow up within the same parameters and roles that other mothers might deem valuable.
I mean, does the fact I let my son wear nailpolish on his toes bother me or make me a bad mother in the sense Family Services needs to whisk him away? Erm, no. But to some mothers, what I’m doing is blurring a gender line that need not be crossed. I’m also the mom that decided we’d say “penis” and “vagina” — cause, you know, that’s what they are — instead of “miss pretty lady kitty” or “special purpose” or whatever.
Ultimately, you can be a bad mother — a mother who is striving to let her children be real people instead of little doppelgangers of the neighbors — if you want. They’re YOUR kids, and to me, unless they are injured or neglected or unhappy due to a combination of those things, then even if you’re a bad mother, you can still be a good mother.
The hell that you’ve been through, Tanis, proves that there are myriad ways to raise kids and that as long as they are loved and taken care of, they’re going to be alright.
A parent’s goal isn’t to make a perfect child or to fulfill an idea that you have for a child. A parent should strive to teach their children to find their own path to be a functional, contributing part of society.
At least, that’s what I think.
MommaSunshine Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
@Lona,
“Miss pretty lady kitty”….bahahahahaha
Love it!!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:47
Ok, before I wade through all of these comments, I wanted to put my 2 cents in.
I’m so tired of the weekly drama in mommybloggingland. This shouldn’t even be an issue. #1 – All moms (and dads) have something they do that they feel bad about it. The only difference is that the “good” ones lie to cover it up and to make themselves feel better. #2 – I’m so glad I discovered blogging and this community because every time I read a book or article about parenting I got sick to my stomach and cried because I thought I was the only one out there doing it my way and I thought I was totally screwing my kid up. The admissions of others made me realize that parenting the way I felt was right was not a bad thing.
Tanis, you’ve been through so much and you don’t deserve to be belittled or dragged through the mud for the way you write on your blog. Continue to be yourself, as there are many of us out here that love you for YOU.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:53
This is a worthless comment provided way too late in the conversation, but I like to practice my typing.
The message here is just don’t be a poser. If you do stuff that may be out of the established norm (whether “bad” or not in the real sense) and write about it for self-depreciation, entertainment or social commentary value, then more power to you for establishing a legit counterpoint to “traditional” values. If you feed your kid junk food tonight just so you can blog about how you are a bad parent, then you suck because you are a poser. Simple as that. I am a kick ass dad, but I do let my 7 yr old kid fetch beers for me (and have sip as a reward), I let him play guns and (gasp) point them at me, and I take him to hooters. Difference is, whether I blog about it or not, I STILL do it.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:03
If you had been around as a model of parenting 30 years ago probably none of my kids would be in jail or addicted to bad things.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:05
So I have spent the last 24 hours pondering this whole “bad mother” thing. And I am still annoyed, but not for the same reason. I was sitting here watching Oprah, while on Twitter, and my kids are watching TV, when BAM I felt like a bad mother. (not the first time)Its seems our kids should not watch more than one hour Tv a day, period. We should also not be online more than one hour. Otherwise we are cheating our kids. THANKS Oprah for perpetuating the whole perfect parenting bullshit line.
We are who we are. I still hate that we even have to joke about being bad moms, because we dont fit a mold, but if it what it takes to buck the stereotype, then bring it.
P.S.
Yeah I totally flip flopped. I am cool like that.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 15:41
i love your blog also and any girl that can quote Popeye the sailor/philosopher is my hero.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 17:23
You know what? Seeing it’s soapbox day today at Redneck Central I’m going to share anyway!!
I think with technology (blogs, twitter, Oprah, mags filled with ‘professional advice’, etc etc) we are suddenly hearing all the ‘noise’ that once (in a fairyland, in a time where party line phones still existed) the only commentary we heard was our mothers and neighbours. The only feedback we got on “what kind of mother” we made was from people who loved us or had to live in a close proximity to us. The rest was easy to tune out. What a massive luxury that was!!
Now we have the ability to constantly ‘measure’… whether or not that measure is something real or valuable. Stereotypes abound. You are not a bad mother Tanis. Sorry, but it’s true. You are not a cookie cutout Bree Vandercamp mother (look how her kids turned out!) – you are a product of your background, your personality, your experience.
Sure, if you came to my house, I would have to have the ’swear beeper’ on but you would be totally welcome. You have the warmest heart and that shines through all the bluster and sexual innuendo. Call it what you want. But ‘bad mother’ ain’t it.
Geez. I might copy and paste this for a post. Sorry. Over and out, from Down Under (no sexual puns Tanis!).
BB
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 20:09
WOW! What else is there to say, other than what has been already said. (I will admit to only scanning some of the comments sorry)
Now that both of my children are grown (but still living in my damn house), I can unequivically state that I was indeed a poor choice for their mother.
Could they have had a better life with someone else? Probably.
Would they have better manners and actually speak to their parent in a non-threatening manner? More than likely.
But did I do the best I could with what I had, fuckin ay right I did.
Would I do things differently now, 20 some odd years later, hell yeah, really who wouldn’t?
But until you or someone else comes up with a god damn de lorean that actually takes me back to high school (which this time I will duct tape my legs closed, thank you very much!), then that is not a frikkin option.
So for now, you make the best decisions you can and you live with the decisions you make.
You my dear are a fabulous mother semantically speaking of course.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 20:58
tanis, i love you. but i have to say, i disagree. i do think this is a fad. and quite a ridiculous one, for a simple reason: every blogger i have seen so far who has declared herself a ‘bad’ mother is one who i would consider an amazing mother. i think the success of parenting is measured by just that – its success. obviously there are exceptions, kids who went the opposite direction despite the best efforts of their parents, but for nearly everyone, success is measured by that exact description of your children: “well-adjusted, emotionally happy and highly functional children.” bad mothering would result in the exact opposite.
i refuse to call ANY parenting that results in happy, well adjusted children ‘bad’ parenting, NO MATTER how different the parenting style is from the traditional standard. it degrades your success, it degrades the integrity of your parenting, and diminishes the love and effort you have poured into your offspring. it may be ‘different’ parenting, it might be ‘unique’ or ‘offbeat,’ or called ‘tanis parenting’ if necessary, but NEVER should it be called ‘bad.’ to call it bad is to embrace rebellion, to give up fighting against the negativity and judgment that is rampant in these hot button issues. i would never call anyone like you or catherine a bad mother, because you AREN’T bad mothers. you are amazing mothers, with unique, maybe sometimes controversial, ways of accomplishing the very same thing – parenting your children in a way that best fits both yours and their needs. in my book, that’s called ‘good’ parenting.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 6:05 am
@Karishma,
THANK YOU!!!
AG Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
@Karishma, You guys don’t seem to get the mockery behind the “bad” thing, and that is ok, but just because you don’t understand it and would not use that form of expression and humor yourselves, does not make it less valuable. I am quite sure that you all practic forms of humor that do not suit everyone, either. That is ok. Doesn’t make your form better or worse, just what works for you.
Try this – when you see Tanis or someone else proclaiming themselves “bad”, imagine in your head them rolling their eyes at the term and saying “as if!” Maybe then you will begin to understand the form of expression they are practicing.
karishma Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@AG, lol it’s not the ironic self mockery of it that bothers me, i’m a fan of that type of humor, i use it quite a bit myself. if i didn’t, my blog selection would be entirely different, it wouldn’t include some of the funniest bloggers out there who use this type of humor all the time. it’s just that i disagree with THIS PARTICULAR expression and the reasoning behind it – i clarified this in a separate reply to another comment. the “as if” part is pretty clear. but here’s the problem i have with it. to call something ‘bad’, EVEN as a complete 100% joke is to say there is a ‘right.’ and i completely and utterly disagree on principle that there is a ‘right’ when it comes to parenting, therefore i won’t call anything ‘bad’ parenting even as a joke unless it is actually B-A-D. the entire reason i read tanis’ blog is because i love her kind of humor, this kind of humor, but i just can’t stand this particular instance of it.
karishma Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
actually, let me amend this a little more. it’s difficult to put such a hot button issue into words and have it come out correctly. of all people, i get tanis writing this, because of her specific set of life experiences. the humor and irony of it all works far more for her than for other people, who have never faced the type of judgment she has. her situation is extremely unique.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:21
Wait…what was the question?
Dude, I maintain my Mom-crush on you. I wanna be you when I grow up. Well, minus the nipple rings because my girls are already hanging dangerously low and the rings might then resemble a carnival game and that would just open a whole new “bad” mom level.
Heh.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:29
amen just a freekin amen be damned with the conformists our kids will rock the planet
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:34
That was the best damn blog I’ve read in a long time (next to mine of course L0L). Honest, raw and beautiful. Stay real and bad! Love it!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:50
I have been thinking about this good mom vs. bad mom thing and I don’t know if I have anything profound to add except that I am a mom. Some days I am a really good mom, by anyone’s standards and other days (today being one) I am totally crappy, by my own standard. All moms have both of those types of days and if they don’t they are either lying or delusional. On crappy days like today, my temper was short, I wasn’t a completely focused listener and I only played with blocks for a half hour instead of an hour. But my kids were happy and fed and now asleep.
Bottom line: We are all trying to do our best and the unrealistic standard by which we measure ourselves has just got to stop. Tanis, you are not one to measure yourself by that yardstick and neither is Catherine. You tell us the good, bad, and the ugly and we love you (both) for it. Sometimes your life seems unbelievable to me, because by comparison mine is boring, but there are similarities in the humor and love by which we parent. We suck, we’re great. Depends on the day, but it doesn’t depend on what others think of us.
Keep up the great work and please don’t censor yourself because of how it may be perceived. You are REDNECK-TASTIC!
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 22:55
Tanis –
I have to ditto what @badassdadblog said – Your post was awesome and heartfelt.
I too have no idea where the giant shit-can of worms debate of good/bad mommying came from, but now I’m really confused (a very common situation for me).
LOVE YOUR SHOW BABE – NEVER CHANGE!
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 2:15
you, and your parenting style, rock. i find it so hard to wrap my head around how someone could think it’s a marketing ploy, but i guess there will always be the haters.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 5:24
This is why socialism and the intrusion of government into our lives sucks. I can see The US going more and more in the direction of Canada on this and it is bad. When a fricking govt agency (or agencies) can come into your home without just cause, and threaten to take away children, judge you (who is doing the judging??!!), and throw you in jail we are headed towards a dystopian future- ever read The Handmaids Tale or Brave New World? Long live DEMOCRACY and FREEDOM. BTW, Obama is leading America the WRONG way. I know you Canadians love Obama and I will get slammed for that comment, but the truth hurts.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 6:03 am
@lisa,
For real? I’ve heard many more cases of kids being taken away from good parents in the United States under a President Bush regime than I have ever heard in Canada. Give me a break…
lisa Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Hi Annie,
Really? Can you give me an example of kids being taken away “under a President Bush regime”? I would be interested to see that information. You said you heard of this happening so I am just interested where did you hear/see this?
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 6:49 am
@lisa,
Here is one: http://www.dallasobserver.com/2003-04-17/news/1-hour-arrest/1
I don’t have time to look for others now, but if you really want to see them let me know and I’ll dig some up on the weekend. The ones I am aware of are mostly kids taken away because the mother was doing something horribly inappropriate like breastfeeding a toddler (note the dripping sarcasm…I think nursing a toddler is normal and I nursed both of mine).
lisa Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I think it is interesting that a comment critical of Obama incited a, “Well Bush did (insert your gripe here)” Obama is the President now, and it is time to stop using GW as a scapegoat-let’s look forward, let Bush go, let your hatred go. Honestly, I think your link (while interesting) is irrelevant to the argument, as the Federal Govt had no jurisdiction in that case. Therefore, it had nothing to do with Bush, of course he didn’t even know about it. The blame there lies with the state and local govts. However, I agree with you and I myself am a happily breastfeeding mom. Also, “give me a break” at the end of your comment mamkes you seem rude, but hey, if that’s the way you roll-more power to you! Tolerance is the ability and willingness to be able to accept and process opposing viewpoints. And, no, I don’t need a break from you! Hope you have a great day!
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 8:18 am
@lisa,
I didn’t need to use Bush’s name, so pretend I didn’t if that makes you feel better. I was trying to point out that you can’t blame socialism for poor decisions by social services.
Perhaps I was rude, but your comment was WAY over the top.
Mom101 Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
@lisa, This is a very personal, heartfelt post about some very painful things that Tania has personally gone through in her life.
Out of respect for her, perhaps this isn’t the appropriate soapbox for your political rants.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 7:04
I also march in my own parade ( as opposed to s different drummer, I just started my own parade).. My brothers girlfriend used to crack up everytime she came over at things I would say ( to my son going into autistic meltdown mode:Stop Freaking Out!!)or things we would do that not everyone would do. Even my ex-husband has to say that while I may use unconventional methods, my kids are healthy normal and happy. You go girl!!
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:38
Standing and cheering wildly~~~ Fantastic. Very well written. I truly applaud you for writing this. And what’s all this? I see people are wanting to debate you in your comment section? Oh what a headache. Geez.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:41
Wow…I’m commenting before reading all the comments just because I’d like to say what’s on my mind rather than addressing other comments.
Seriously I wasn’t even aware of this “trend” of bad mom’ing for attention and publicity.
I write from the heart. I write what I want. If it doesn’t always shed me in the most positive light then so be it. I’m not perfect. But I’m honest and real…and do it because I want to and because it makes me feel good (most of the time)not because of what I potentially stand to gain.
Thanks for writing this. I seriously could do a post of my own about this issue.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:49
Coming back to address the bad mom’ing issue more specifically. All that matters is how you feel, how your children feel- essentially how your family feels.
We all do the best we can and none of us, provided we are truly trying to do the best we can should be labeled bad.
Who decides what’s a bad mom anyway ? I’d like to think we’re all imperfect. We’re good moms that make occasional mistakes.
Cheers to you, Tanis!
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:54
I’m sure we were all great parents BEFORE we became parents. As outsiders to parenting, we all think we know how we’re going to run the ship when we’re at the helm. Thing is, once those precious children arrive, preconceived notions fall by the wayside because hey – parenting is NOT easy!
Doing whatever works, learning as you go, and doing the best you can ultimately wins out for parents because kids are all different, have different needs. It’s just too bad that outsiders to our individual experiences still feel the need to preach what constitutes a good parent and acceptable parenting practices or ’styles’.
No matter what you call it – good or bad or otherwise, what matters is that we as grown ups should be allowed to raise our children without being judged on technique. And more importantly, if children are happy, healthy and decent human beings, then their parents should be commended for that success and not condoned for using methods that are a little left of what society feels is right.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:55
Holy christ, totally overwhelmed by the comments here. Just wanted to say that this was a great post, but mainly that what I have learned about you in the relatively short time I’ve been reading (about a year?) is that you have been through some seriously awful shit that no one should have to deal with – and the way you’ve dealt with it is truly inspirational. So your parenting, no matter how it’s labeled or who it’s labeled by, is pretty fucking good in my books. I hope I get to say hi to you at BlogHer.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 10:16
People that judge are ignorant. Yes, that is me Judging judgmental people, but ya know what I mean. I think as long as your children grow up in a healthy way, and no harm has come to them by your hand then there is NO way you could be considered a bad mom.
I don’t parent with the trend. I refuse to be mainstream. But my children thrive. They are happy, well adjusted, and intelligent, that are able to act (At times) selflessly.
You continue doing what your doing. You continue to love your babies, and all those that feel the need to intrude and pass a judgment on your parenting style can look the other way, and zip it.
Oh and If I weren’t pregnant right now, I would so take some Bailey’s in my coffee too.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 12:03
Do we really have to label ourselves? Bad parents. Good parents. Parents who over-parent. Can’t we all, as parents, support other parents and understand that, in most cases, we all are doing what we think is in the best interest of our children? Sure, there are trends. There is pressure. But there also are many many parents who don’t fit in to the trends. Who never have. Or who aren’t trying to keep up.
Wait. Didn’t you just say all that?
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 12:34
HELL YEAH!
Perfection is overrated. Imperfections are what make us, and our children, unique.
I’m not saying you’re not perfect – you’re kick ass, redneck awesome at it’s finest!
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 13:37
I haven’t visited in a few days, and missed your blog. Damn you crack me up!
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 16:19
Looks like I am a little late to this.
I have no clue what’s going on, all I can say is that there are no perfect parents, if they claim to be they are wrong. There are no parent experts. Parenting is a process of give and take and constant learning. If through that process you happen to become labeled one way or another, it passes.
Phew, sure glad I only blog to vent and not to receive money or popularity. Not saying that’s what you do, but I’ve been reading other blogs who just search and search for advertisements and right about stuff and they have lost touch with themselves. Holy long comment, sorry.
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 17:42
I’ve been reading blogs on this topic left and right, and I say that no matter what the label is, we’re all trying to raise our children to be well-adjusted and happy.
The path we choose to get there shouldn’t matter.
I know I’ve made tons of parenting mistakes and I’m certain I’ll make more.
This post is so on target… thank you, Tanis.
Saturday, 13 June, 2009 at 6:26
Jeez. Can’t we just write our fucking blogs without people getting their nuts in a tizzy? Fucking A. I guess everyone has to make a buck.
Saturday, 13 June, 2009 at 11:33
I’m so glad I’ve been out of town and without internet for the past week. This shit is heated.
Saturday, 13 June, 2009 at 14:03
I think there is a world of difference between being a “bad” mother and being a bad mother. There is a world of bad parents out there: parents who batter their kids, parents who emotionally abuse their kids, physically abuse them, sexually exploit them, fundamentally betray them on every level.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I’m kind of uncomfortable with the whole tongue-in-cheek “bad” mother thing, partly because I wonder how much validation it gives to the AUTHENTICALLY bad parents who see the whole “I’m a bad mother!” line as a way of saying that being a really bad parent is a socially acceptable way of parenting. Like, “Look at all of us bad mothers! We’re all in the same boat!” When we’re not, at all. Some of us are being facetious, some of us are using it to differentiate us from a different type of mothering, some of us just feel guilty about what we do or don’t do so quickly say, “Oh, I’m just a bad mother.” I don’t know why admitting that actually you think you’re a kick-ass mother is somehow embarrassing or a joke. Why don’t we say something like, “I don’t parent the same way as a lot of people, but damn it, I fucking ROCK. My kids are damn lucky to have me.”
There’s such a wide gulf between “not as perfect as I perceive that others think I should be” and “bad”.
I don’t for a second think you are actually a bad mother, you’re a great mother who was put through an absolutely awful experience that you didn’t deserve at all after suffering the worst loss imaginable. I’m really sorry that happened to you.
You love your kids unabashedly and you fiercely protect them and make their lives safe and secure. You’re always thinking of your kids, you are caring for your kids. That’s the whole gig, really. That is NOT bad mothering. It’s awesome. What’s wrong with saying “We are a new breed of awesome mothers”?
I can’t quite put my finger on it in a very eloquent way, but I think it just unnerves me how quickly and readily women undermine themselves by labelling themselves negatively because they believe they don’t conform to expectations of others. Different isn’t bad, it’s just different, and as often as not, it’s better, no?
Just my 2 cents.
Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy) Reply:
June 13th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Wow, Karen who commented just before me (#146) very eloquently (despite what she thought) said pretty much what I’ve been thinking.
It’s too easy for people to see “bad” vs. “good” as a very black and white issue.
You have been through a hell I can’t even imagine Tanis. And this is the first I’ve heard about what happened after Shale’s death. Unbelievable.
I think you rock as a mom. I think your kids are incredibly lucky to have you as a mom. I think my kids are lucky to have me as a mom, even if I do have some challenging days with them.
I guess you have to add me to the list of mom’s who are a bit uncomfortable with how the word “bad” is being used.
That being said, I love reading this blog, I think you are amazing, and I LOVE how you stick up for your friends!
Tuesday, 16 June, 2009 at 8:27
I can’t believe that nobody took you up on your offer to call you the world’s twattiest mom. (waaaaaaaaay back in the comments)….so there.
Keep rockin’ it lady….
Tuesday, 16 June, 2009 at 12:09
while raising a special needs child and after the death of a child you learn not to buy into labels. I know all about the labels.
I am actually glad that blogs are filled with every kind of mom, diveristy is good, the bad, good and ugly all have our place.
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 3:53
You are one of the few bloggers I can stomach, because you don’t sugar-coat who you are or what being a parent is like for YOU.
I was raised in the 70’s with NO mother, at all. My aunt told me that it was “better” having no mother than having my mother around. I still don’t know why she said that.
I was terrified of becoming a mom, because I had no role models. Dad cooked about four meals besides eggs. Cleaning meant dishes and vacuuming, as needed. I honestly thought I’d end up feeding my kids PBJ or spaghettios every day!
I became a single Mom at 25. At my Dad’s funeral, two years later, my older half-sister actually came up to me and said that she was newly married and expecting, and “that’s the correct order” to do it in. This was about the second conversation she and I had ever had since I was a little kid!
She had no clue how it was I ended up being a single mom, nor how I was faring. She just KNEW that the BEST way to raise a child was with a mommy and a daddy and wedding vows. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, NOT. For ME, at that time, WAY NOT. (I know, shoulda, coulda, woulda…)
The point is, mothers are always being labeled and judged. The only fathers who get labeled as bad? Deadbeats, or abusers. Period. Work 95 hours a week? That’s being a good provider. Wipe a butt once a week, wow, he’s sharing the responsibility. Okay, I exaggerate. Do men care if others call them good or bad? NOPE.
I have had many moments when I’ve worried about raising my kids. I will never be the “crafty” mom, the “recipe” mom, nor the “starbucks” mom. Sometimes I am the mom that will let a bad word slip, laugh at my kid’s naughty behavior, miss a school event, or forget to hide the Easter baskets. I have also refused to work on my kids’ birthdays, holidays, or when they were sick; and have gone through hell and back to keep a roof over their heads and keep them safe.
I do know that if my DD ever has to choose between being a single mom or being in a horrible, screwed up marriage, she would know that she can count on me to back her up, and let her become the best mom she can be.
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 19:44
I feel for you. Only you could turn something so heart wrenching into humor. And I relate. My divorce turned ugly and a custody dispute ensued. Meaning my parenting was also scrutinized, though probably not quite as much or the same way. Still. No fun. Now I have been diagnosed with ADD and I am learning my limitations. I cut back (or never start) all the hyper-parenting and just go back to the basics.
I love your blog.